Saturday, May 30, 2009

Monday, May 25, 2009


54 Spring St.
New York, NY 10012

Bathroom situation
- two in the middle of the damn joint, right next to where they punch in orders on those big busy-restaurant touchscreens (do they use these at like Aquavit too? Visceralist would NOT know). The men's has a stall and two urinals but it looked like the women's was single-person. Comments section, is that accurate?
Takes credit cards? - yes, but watch your damn bill lest they ring up some extra Amstels on the low-low and hope you don't notice. Really, Firefly? Is the recession that bad? Ain't that a bitch.
Crowded on weekends? - for realsies...this is maybe the only sports bar in SoHo and you know who actually hangs out in you know what it is. [ed. the hell does this mean?]
Seating - the typical bar-stool setup in front, but their backroom has seats like a muthafucka. It's actually set up like a regular ol' bullshit thai restaurant, but they have...whoops, lemme save that for later...
Neighborhood - cowboyin' the SoHo-Little Italy border, but still easily accesible by the 6 train, so go nuts.
Type of crowd - apparently, the type of cunts who either don't notice or don't care about the waiters adding a few so-and-so's to the bill at the end of the evening.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist feels that this category should be expanded to potentially include the wait-staff if need-be, but the Irish-accented host at this place was actually fairly reasonable, so we won't let a few bad apples...
Cost of Stella - according to my waitress, like $6...but who knows, really. That bill was denser than Cambodian algebra.
What time people start showing up - depends on what conference is playing...but like 8.
Bartender efficiency - given that it's likely you'll be in the back, which is wait-service, expect restaurant-type wait-service. Which is to say, you'll get impatient. Bring a flask.
Official Website - here. They describe themselves as a "Soho nightspot" and the site automatically plays house music. BUT. It does provide very solid directions. Also, its "Links" section (for what?) solely consists of the bar across the street's website.
Food? How late - full bar-food style menu with a surprisingly solid salad menu. Presumably goes all night. But, again, check to make sure your bill consists of stuff that you actually ordered.
TVs? What's on - OK, so this is actually one of the better sports-bars in the sub-Houston area. They feature a gang of huge-screens showing whatever the fuck they want. Like, they really have cable. That they pay for. Legally. And word is that they take requests. So you (sorta) get what you pay for. So chillax, brah.
Guy:girl ratio - this place isn't really feng shui enough to engender intermingling...BUT, if you happen to meet someone while waiting to use the restroom, there's maybe a 30% chance it'll be someone of the other gender (if you're a dude).
Toys - Los televisores. I televisi. Les televisiones. Plus romance.
Age of clientele - mid to upper-mid 20s. And yes,'re officially mid-20s. Life's over. Suck it up.
Space for dancing? - word around citysearch is that the backroom becomes a juke-joint later on at night, but Visceralist has yet to see any evidence of this. Leave the zoot suits and poodle-skirts at home till further notice.
Décor - leaning towards television-centric. Book-learners need not...
Grimeyness - for some reason this place is actually going for an upscale SoHo sports-bar trifecta that can never really work in practice. But still, du-rags get frowned upon.
ID check procedure - n/a. Plus, it's close to NYU. Too bad NYU's only varsity sport is triflin'.
Music medium, style & volume
- the sound of MVP James doin' work isn't technically music, but it will ring out 'round these parts.
Specials or most popular drink - their website says their "happy hour is Mon-Fri"...which is so pathetic that Visceralist will leave it at that.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Gallery Bar

120 Orchard St. (btw Delancey & Rivington)
New York, NY 10002

Bathroom situation
- 3 single-human units upstairs, 2 downstairs. Downstairs isn't always open tho. These restrooms feature red lights so be prepared for things to look a lot cooler than they actually are. Presumably this is what it's like for Neo when he pisses.
Takes credit cards? - yes and with little-to-no malfeasance.
Crowded on weekends? - shit, yeah. They've even started in with the velvet rope shit and the Faizon Love-lookin bouncers. The fact that SVA's new dorms are around the corner isn't helping either.
Seating - few bar-stools, but a gang of space on the couches opposite the bar. Almost everyone stands here tho.
Neighborhood - the Disney-fied LES. There's an ATM outside next door. Like out on the street. Shows you how non-terrible this recession is so far...
Type of crowd - as Visceralist is a wannabe artist, you'd think we'd love it here cuz we're also wannabe-pretentious. But, no. The only difference between Gallery Bar and any other address in the meatpacking district is that it has apartments on top of it. So keep your damn voices down.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist is sure that no one's naive enough to think there aren't assholes in every cohort, no matter how high-falutin'...ipso facto...
Cost of Stella - fuck...they have the katana-shaped tap for Kirin beer here, so we'll have to get back to you on this...check our Twitter.
What time people start showing up - during the weekend, normal time. During the week, never.
Bartender efficiency - no wheels being re-invented here. Usually two at the upstairs bar which is wildly inefficient but somehow works out decently cuz most people who come here are too skinny to fuck with calories of any kind.
Official Website - here. A flash intro? Really? Is it 2004 out this bitch?! The site is actually wild decent, but they gets no love cuz of that shit.
Food? How late - the obvious joke here has something to do with aesthetic nourishment. Visceralist is so above that.
TVs? What's on - the downstairs portion of this place is set up like the kind of dive bar you'd expect a tv to be hanging up in the corner of, but no. Sadly, no.
Guy:girl ratio - 50 Cent had a mixtape song before he broke big called "I Smell Pussy." This was back in 2002, so clearly he's precognizant.
Toys - One of those old school photobooths that photographs of you and your pimples being tolerated by someone you bought a drink for. I Heart NY!
Age of clientele - young than a muthafucka. You know how you used to pay homeless dudes to buy you liqour and gave him a little premium? Cuz you were underage? So, yeah...
Space for dancing? - yeah and Visceralist actually has to raise the roof for this one. The DJs use Serato and the all those bs DJ tools on their macbooks, but the one good thing about the young artsy class is that they know from jams. Party in Miami!
Décor - so, a revolving cadre of artists' work on the walls. This joint's one redeeming quality is that they actually attract redeeming quality art. Mostly oil on canvas so far, but baby steps...
Grimeyness - despite the velvet rope, this place has a nice, frothy LES grimeyness that will not disappoint those who actually are too cool for this triflin' scene.
ID check procedure - given the 19-20 yr olds that stay gainin admittance to this shithole, you'd think they got that DL voucher from the NYPD that you only hear rumors about (shout out to Max Fish).
Music medium, style & volume
- usually DJs spinnin something produced by Bangladesh, DanjaHandz or Heatmakerz. J/k, Visceralist's wishlist is not in the building. Expect MGMT and their ilk here.
Specials or most popular drink - according to their website, they have bottle service here. Told you my Meatpacking comparison was prescient.

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Fridge Nukin'

Damn, Pitchfork...a 5.7 for "Crime Pays" ?!?! I been should've known y'all fell off with that 6.0 for "Our Love to Admire." SMFH.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sweet Paradise

14 Orchard Street (btw Hester & Canal)
New York, NY 10002

Bathroom situation - used to have 3 in the back, but they recently turned one into an employees-only or some shit (the fuck?). The two remaining ones are ok if this was a straight-up dive bar...wild ghetto if this was a nouveaux LES gastropub (we're looking at you Allen & Delancey...with your triflin ass). Unfortunately, not much room to get with your bus' it baby.
Takes credit cards? - one of the few places that actually prides itself on not taking credit cards. Like seriously...expect to get smirked at if you ask.
Crowded on weekends? - hit or miss...alternates night to night from Cavs home-game capacity crowd to Rick Ross CD-signing.
Seating - 10ish stools at the bizzozero...5 booths in the back that seat about 5-6-7 each. Space for about 6 in each bathroom line (no seats tho).
Neighborhood - Visceralist wants to say LES, but really this is firmly within the confines of Chinatown. Plenty of new condos sprouting up in this part of Orchard St. tho so, you know...bus' it baby.
Type of crowd - the midly interesting mixed with the occasional hipster bachelorette party.
Pretentious/assholes - luckily, thanks to the spacially-enforced convivialty, not much of an issue. Plus, folks have been known to meet their next bus' it baby in the bathroom line.
Cost of Stella - don't have it here so Visceralist usually sneaks it in. Winter isn't an issue cuz our baller-ass coat with the fur trim on the hood has deep pockets. Summer, we use 3 flasks that we tie to our belt with rubberbands and hide under our shorts.
What time people start showing up - late than a mug...12ish? Again, it's hit or miss here so if you turn your back for a sec you might turn back around and have some sweaty slob's chest pressing into your shoulders trying to ask if he can use a credit card here. Or not.
Bartender efficiency - usually have 2-3 mad trife bartenders here who are actually good at their jobs. And they're assholes. As long as you don't make any special requests (like "can y'all stock some damn Stella out this bitch?"), you'll be fine.
Official Website - here. Far and away Visceralist's favorite NYC bar website. We love us some minimalism. Plus they have a list of all the albums on their jukebox (who the hell does that?).
Food? How late - yes, bizzarely, an assortment of movie candies. Not just for display.
TVs? What's on - nope. Focus on actually paying attention to your bus' it baby instead.
Guy:girl ratio - roughly 50:50. Guys take note, however, that any chicks here will likely be in a group of 4+. Meaning they WILL be talking about your receding hairline and how it likely means that your dick is the size/shape of a damn Tylenol gelcap. It's all good tho.
Toys - Jukebox kinda counts.
Age of clientele - those who think Justin Timberlake is the best SNL host - those who think Christopher Walken is. (fyi, the real answer is it's a tie between Jamie Foxx, Ray Romano & Steve Buscemi)
Space for dancing? - they actually have DJs here sometimes, but fuck no.
Décor - everything's black, but not goth-y black.
Grimeyness - as long as your bus' it baby doesn't mind, who gives a what what.
ID check procedure - surprisingly rigid. Don't roll up in here like it's that bullshit gas station where you had to slide the money under the thing and they didn't card (shout out to Duke's on High St. in Columbus).
Music medium, style & volume
- jukebox, but Visceralist has a sneaking suspicion that they really pump the bartenders' ipods more often than not. Btw, we checked, they don't have Plies' "Bus' it Baby Part 2 feat. Ne-yo"
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour daily til 10pm, but it's the bullshit. Cream Ale? Really? That's what's hot?

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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Crime Pays

"You're a, I got a scorish aura." - Cameron Giles