Thursday, July 30, 2009

Max Fish

178 Ludlow St. (btw Houston & Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 529-3959

Bathroom situation
- two or three single-person units in the back, replete with the tags, stickers & all-purpose grime that makes the LES so GD lovable. Women, make sure to stretch your thighs before heading here, cuz the hover-piss is a must.
Takes credit cards? - fuck you for asking.
Crowded on weekends? - does a chick hover-piss over a toilet in the LES?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar, 3 or 4 plastic booths opposite the bar. Ample seating in the rear, though. Which is a good point. Somehow the front part is always dumb packed like people can't see that there's a huge area in the back. W'evs.
Neighborhood - next door to a newish luxury apartment called The Ludlow. Rents start at $3k, so if any of its residents are at Max Fish, it's prolly as a goof or something.
Type of crowd - Visceralist wants to dead the term "hipster" just like Jay-Z ended auto-tune. So yeah, tons of hipsters.
Pretentious/assholes - M'Fish seems to attract some spillover from the nearby Motor City, but other than that, most people here are sweethearts.
Cost of Stella - prolly like $6ish [ed. the fuck are we keeping this category for, it's the same every week] Cuz Stella's awesome.
What time people start showing up - 10ish.
Bartender efficiency - if they ain't putting any effort into serving bebidas frescas, Visceralist ain't putting any effort into talkin' 'bout 'em.
Official Website - here. Hilariously out of date, and really they should just take it down cuz that'll at least give them some mystique.
Food? How late - no, so keep your mom happy and line the ol' estomago before getting your Dean Martin on here. Also, tell her Visceralist says "Mwah!"
TVs? What's on - no, but the walls are busy enough to keep you looking good and distracted if you're here alone.
Guy:girl ratio - Leaning towards Guy.
Toys - Soulja Boy jumps out of bed and turns his swag on. Then! He looks in the mirror and says "What's up." What the fuck did you do this morning?
Age of clientele - if you have to ask, you're too old.
Space for dancing? - no, but can one really dance to the sound of a once-cool scene being so over? [ed. damn, what was that for?]
Grimeyness - picture next to dictionary entry, etc...
ID Check Procedure - they actually do have one of those dudes on the stool right by the entrance, but he doesn't have a scanner so it's fairly subjective. Hoochies need apply.
Music medium, style & volume
- combo iPod / Juke, but the Juke doesn't really work. As for the volume, there's no need to get your Andrew WK on or anything.
Specials or most popular drink - unless you got the hook up, or the pumps in the bumps, you're paying full price, loser.

View Larger Map

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Delancey

168 Delancey St. (btw Attorney & Clinton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9920

Bathroom situation
- two multi-person water closets on the ground floor in the back near the coat-check (ain't that a bitch for the coat-checker?). Possibly some downstairs, but we have to focus on the main men's room because it contains a disturbingly unique setup for their urinal. In an apparent homage to truckstops, they've decided to employ the trough model of urine-collection. But they class that bitch up by lining the bottom of it with polished stones and having a zen waterfall pour down to provide rinseaway. You'll be so distracted by the owner's cot damn audacity in putting this motherfucker (yes, "er" and "er") in their bar that any pee-shyness you might normally encounter will melt away like a Nazi's face when the Ark of the Covenant is nearby.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and they even have one of those easily hackable ATMs that doesn't even ask you if you want to see your balance before flashing on screen how much money you don't have in your account. Just be sure no one's peek-peeking over your brokeass shoulder before withdrawing.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot has a straight ballerific roof deck with Lost-style palm fronds and everything. You'll think you've done up'n landed on Gilligan's Island. On some Prisoner shit. Shout out to Dr. Moreau. So, yeah, it's crowded when it's nice out.
Seating - Considering how much square footage this place encompasses, there's a startling dearth of seating on the ground and basement levels. This, however, is very nearly rectified by the wooden benches and suchlike on the roof deck. Most folks still stand though.
Neighborhood - confidently walking the tightrope between the Disneyfied and the fucktified sections of the LES. Lots of places nearby to get your weave right, tho (shouts out to Michael C. Hall).
Type of crowd - picture the crowd that showed up at Gatsby's parties...then halve their bank accounts...then update their frame of reference to, hmmm, the mid-to-late 90's. Then go to The Delancey if this sort of scene butters your biscuit.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist gets called out on this category constantly, but we stubbornly and pretentiously stand by it. The Delancey crowd is usually not too pick-a-fight-y tho, so...
Cost of Stella - $6 or $7 depending on how much of a mark-ass busta you look like to the bartender.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist came to a concert here once at 9pm and there weren't many people...also came to a Bday party (on the roof deck!) at like 12:30am and it was damn-near infestated with (Daniel Plainview voice) people. So, fucked if we know.
Bartender efficiency - there're bars on all 3 levels, so you're a damn jive turkey sucka if you wait more than 2 mins for a drink.
Official Website - here. The front page has a black-and-red photoshop of a Les Paul next to a martini glass, and an HTML title reading "index." That was all Visceralist needed to see.
Food? How late - don't think so, but there's a Burger King a block away in case you need to sneak-sneak anything on the low-low (witchyo fat ass).
TVs? What's on - nope, so you'll have to have to bring Drake's "Best I Ever Had" video on your ipod/iphone or watch it 5 times in a row right before leaving so it stays in your memory banks for the night.
Guy:girl ratio - the roofdeck is a fuckin genetalia magnet, period. Does not discriminate one way or the other. So, 50:50.
Toys - the flora on the roofdeck counts, no? If not, you can get your fingerbang-bang on in one of The Delancey's many dark nooks (shout out to crannies).
Age of clientele - very unsurprising.
Space for dancing? - yes, a small yet dedicated dance space just past the bar on the main floor.
Grimeyness - the roofdeck is resplendent. The men's urinal is as well. The rest, not so much. The basement is downright reminiscent of Lit's.
ID Check Procedure - present most nights w/ one of those gizmos. Meh.
Music medium, style & volume
- DJ most nights, spinning all types of ill shit...ill meaning good and ill meaning bad (and meaning mediocre...does anyone get hype when that new Jay-Z comes on anymore?).
Specials or most popular drink - well drinks are 2 for 1 all Monday night long. Shout out to unemployment...but a bigger shout out to funemployment.

View Larger Map

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

B.O.B. vs. Bobby Ray

We here at Visceralist hate to proselytise, but GD, this dude has put out the best album of 2009 (so far...Muse still has one coming in September, so we'll see how that holds up...).

B.o.B vs. Bobby Ray Mixtape...Download here.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Faces & Names

161 W 54th St # 1503
New York, NY 10019
(212) 217-0985

Bathroom situation
- one single person bathroom on the main floor, but it's tucked around the corner and camouflaged to blend in with the wall all Batman Begins style. Just look for the gold-plated doorknob coming out of nowhere. If you do manage to Where's Waldo it from the rest of the wall, however, you'll be treated to an expansive treat of a midtown-bar bathroom where you'll really be able to get some thinking done. Like "Did Obama really do that?" Plus they put some flowers in there!
Takes credit cards? - yeah, but make sure to not forget it (or anything else) there cuz their lost-and-found policy will have you straight trippin, boo.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist assumes that most midtown bars are empty on the weekends (like we'd actually go there then), but this one's close enough to Times Square that it might occasionally catch some spillover.
Seating - in a word, ample. 20ish stools around a squareish bar. A handful of booths and tables in the front room, but a gang more in the lounge-y area in back. Still, get here early during work-week happy-hour hours.
Neighborhood - the grab-a-drink-before-a-Broadway-show section of Midtown...sans cette vibe.
Type of crowd - during the week, your usual midtown garbage. Nothing against divorcees, the ugly friendless, and the stuck-up pretentious, but...
Pretentious/assholes - actually, not really. This isn't your typical midtown pub where drunk women beckon men like like it's a pre-code talkie from the 30s and the men have no better options than the drunk women drunkenly beckoning them...
Cost of Stella - six of them.
What time people start showing up - whenever old man Pennypincher takes a bathroom break after 5:30pm. Turn your neck for a sec, your dame's missin!
Bartender efficiency - the seats at the bar fill up fast, so you'll likely be trying to nudge your way in between a couple wannabe-brahs or wind up taking one of the tables and waitin on some wait-service. Either way, they're actually reasonably attentive to your imbiblical needs.
Official Website - here. Damn, virtual tours? Really? So 2002. Avatar's bout to drop, homey, step your shit up.
Food? How late - yes, some of the best sur-Applebees fare you'll be able to find on either side of 54th St. That's right, East or West.
TVs? What's on - a few at the bar in the main room, but not at all distracting for those of us who can actually form a thought and express it verbally in a public setting [ed. Us??]
Guy:girl ratio - fairly even but, if we may butcher a beautiful metaphor, most attendees dance & leave with the person they came with.
Toys - the seats in the lounge area in the back are plush than a muhfuh, so you can prolly get your waterbed on if no one's looking. But other than that, BYOT.
Age of clientele - people with their 10-year HS reunion well in their rearview...along with their hairline and first chin.
Space for dancing? - settle down, Astaire. Somehow, accidental or not, the seats here are perfectly placed to prevent any kind of move-bustin, crip-walkin, or running-man'in. So chilllll Winston.
Grimeyness - forgot to mention in the Bathroom Situation section above that there are actualy your standard multi-person M/W units downstairs as well that are also really well put together. Visceralist has never had to wait in a line here. Grimeyness is a non-issue too. Like Habeas Corpus in Cuba.
ID Check Procedure - n/a cuz 21-25 yr olds (and/or anyone who might even potentially look slightly underage) will not be showing up here.
Music medium, style & volume
- top 40 courtesy of the bartender (or the man behind the curtain or something), but not nearly loud enough to be obtrusive.
Specials or most popular drink - the "Packages" section of their website is a sight to behold. For instance, did you know you could get a one-hour open bar (well drinks) with 3 food choices for $26.95?! Fuck a $27! Nowwwww!

View Larger Map