Monday, July 23, 2012

Burnside Brooklyn

506 Grand St. (btw Union & Lorimer Aves)
Brooklyn, NY  11211
(347) 889-7793

Bathroom situation - 2 multisex units in the front, against the left wall. Both de rigueur for dive-bars in this part of Wburg - meaning: only one has a toilet seat. Steady as she goes, ladies....
Takes credit cards? - yes and, incidentally, Eric M. has a mildly-interesting anecdote within his Yelp! review of Burnside that involves some alleged cc-tab chicanery on the part of the bar staff. Even more interestingly, the mgmt responds to his claims with a measured and “hmmm, yeah, actually that makes more sense” refutation. Gripping reading; like something out of The Kings of Cool or suchlike...
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and seems even worse than it is because of the narrow and unnecessarily cramped layout. Tsk tut.
Seating - 5 or 6 tables in the front, 8 or so stools at the bar and an all-woodgrain-everything patio in back with seating for an additional 15-20. Sitting apparently kills you faster than the Supersize Me diet though, so shoulder-width apart your feet and live your life!
Neighborhood - this part of Grand Street has been tussling with gentrification for the past few years and neither side has tapped out yet, but deep down, we all know how these things go...
Pretentious/assholes - so this place purportedly adheres to some stereotypical Midwestern ethos construct. This is fine, but there’s a reason people leave the Midwest to come to NYC. Namely, the notion that mediocrity should be elevated to an ideal. We can do better, people!
Cost of Stella - not here, so sneak some in like a “real” Midwesterner like on TV.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here on a recent Friday at 10pm and had no problem finding a seat, getting the bartender’s attention or waiting for the bathroom (well, for the one w/o the toilet seat...seriously Burnside, you can get one for like $20 at Home Depot...easy to install and everything, we’ve done it ourselves...we can do better, people!)
Bartender efficiency - a touchy subject, if Yelp! is to be believed. The bar area is designed in such a way that there’s no real way to avoid crowding if there are more people standing around than stools.
Official Website - here. One of those single-pagers with Twitter, Fbook & Yelp! links in the corner. Is this a thing now? this the new hot shit for Bar sites? You know...this might be the new hot shit. Ok, we’ll check with our local kings of cool and update this post asap if it turns out that this is the new hot shit. Bear with us...
Food? How late - cheese curds and Juicy Lucy burgers. Neither of which is as big in the Midwest as they’d have you believe. Gooder than fuck tho.
TVs? What's on - no, which is probably the biggest oversight for an MW zoetrope like this.
Guy:girl ratio - this category feels just a little bit too prurient to be used in a bar as MW’ern as Burnside.
Toys - shufflepuck and no Golden Tee.
Age of clientele - we here at Visceralist are such “Goddammit, if your fucking frisbee lands in our lawn just one more fucking time...” old-heads now that we don’t even know at what age the young folk (see how dated our references are?) are moving to NYC anymore.
Space for dancing? - fuck no. And you shouldn’t be doing the lambada in public anyway. Shameful. We can do better, people!
Music medium, style & volume - too loud! And would it kill them to play something off the Mo’ Money soundtrack every now and then?
Specials or most popular drink - Stevens Point Ale.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Visceralist Review: Frank Ocean "Channel Orange"

Look at this fucking fantastic piece of passion.