Visceralist

Video: Jay-Z & Kanye West - "Ni**as In Paris"

2012-02-09T12:07:00.000-05:00

One Mile House

2012-02-03T21:49:00.003-05:00

10 Delancey St. (btw Chrystie & Bowery)

LES, NY 10002
(646) 559-0702

Bathroom situation - one just past the bar on the right and (we believe) a few downstairs...yeah, there must be some there cuz this place is kind of a restaurant with an outdoor area, so they couldn't very well have just one bathroom and certainly not just one that you have to walk through the kitchen to get to, now could they Graffiti? E. Coli may be gluten-free, but it damn sure ain't sexy.
Takes credit cards? - Visceralist is strictly liquid these days, so we didn't put this one on the corporate Black Amex last time we came to partake. They do have the requisite machinery for all that there tho, so
Crowded on weekends? - despite being situated directly "knock-knock-knock-Penny" next door to Bowery Ballroom, it doesn't seem to be getting nearly as much pub as shut-down-in-a-month abominations like Ludlow Manor. Which is nice for now, but this place is gonna blow up the fuck when the weather gets warm again, Visceralist is officially calling it. Just like we're officially calling the SuperBowl in favor of Tom Brady's hairplugs.
Seating - 8-ish seats on both sides of the bar, with scattered stool-tables in front. Regular restaurant-style tables in back. Outdoor seating when the mosquitos and 7pm sunshine come out to play.
Neighborhood - not quite Soho (thank god) and not quite LES, so like a biracial kid from a single-parent home, but who was raised in the suburbs somehow.
Pretentious/assholes - OMH doesn't seem to have the Feng Shui to engender European-style "Hey, let's just talk just to talk, cuz we're all having fun and God, so not even thinking about hitting on each other, cuz men and women meeting at bars with no sexual tension in the air is a thing that exists."
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here - but randomly they've started product-placing it in Big Bang Theory episodes. One of the many reasons BBT is such a gem.
What time people start showing up - like many of you, Visceralist looked down upon BBT for a long time cuz it carried the stink of the justifiably-reviled 2.5 Men. But! It's actually funny, you guys. Visceralist can watch your Portlandia's and your Parks & Rec's and appreciate the skill behind the jokes there, but we're not bust-out laughing like we do at BBT. Bazinga!
Bartender efficiency - Sheldon...man, ain't been a sitcom character like him since like George Castanza or Susie from Curb or GOB Bluth.
Official Website - here. Basically just the menu.
Food? How late - So, yeah, so this place is actually a restaurant in a weird way, but with a weird bar menu. So they have frog legs for some reason. As mentioned above, Visceralist is strictly liquid of late, so we haven't eaten in a while, so commenters, you tell us.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist offices are now permanently tuned into Fox 5 at 7:30pm, then TBS from 8-11pm, then back to Fox 5 at 11pm. Ladies & Gentlemen, we are floating in space.
Guy:girl ratio - equanimity.
Toys - nope!
Age of clientele - skews older, but with the Bowery Ballroom booking the likes of Dinosaur Jr. reunions and suchlike lately, what do you expect, yun?
Space for dancing? - nope nope!
Music medium, style & volume - mostly 90's alt-rock for some reason. Like Bush's "Machine Head" and thereabouts.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a cocktail called "There's a Word for It In Spanish" - which sounds like a category we should add here on our bar reviews. Hecho!

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Video: Blue Sky Black Death & Nacho Picasso - "Naked Lunch"

2012-01-30T18:57:00.002-05:00

From their "Lord of the Fly" mixtape. Free download here.

Pogo - "Jam"

2012-01-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

Visceralist Review: Clams Casino "Instrumentals"

2011-12-27T12:51:00.002-05:00

Look at this fucking fantastic piece of brilliant.
Download here.

Merry Xmas

2011-12-20T10:27:00.001-05:00

lol

Shea Stadium BK

2011-12-13T12:47:00.002-05:00

20 Meadow St. (btw Waterbury & Bogart)

Brooklyn, NY 11206
no phone

Bathroom situation - there are 2 to your left as you enter, one on either side of the soundboard area. Yep yep, that photo above is from the one closest to the door. Visceralist really does this for the people, you guys.
Takes credit cards? - so, this place isn't actually what you'd call "legit" so don't expect to bro your way up in here with your fancy BofA Visa, playboy. Note also that there aren't really any ATMs nearby, so make sure you've got some financial earnins' in the left or right pocket of your Jnco jeans before heading over.
Crowded on weekends? - not really. Strictly speaking, this is a venue and they do curate some new hot shit every now and then (peace to Laurel Halo and her overrated hogwash), but it's out in Way-the-Fuck, Brooklyn, so whatever.
Seating - a couple sofas that are upholstered in only the finest of pleathers, but everyone knows that catching hepatitis from a damn couch ain't cute, so we'd recommend avoiding. It's grimey like that.
Neighborhood - ok, fine, Shea Stadium BK isn't too far from the Grand St. L stop, but it still somehow feels like it may as well be in Belarus. Seriously, this hood is best described as hurt, burnt & crunchy.
Pretentious/assholes - every cloud though, right? The folks who actually do make it out here are generally down like gravity and we here at Visceralist have yet to have someone run up on us with some ol' bullshit and, in fact, have met some real human beings and some real heroes.
Cost of Stella - they only have cans of bud, bud light & tecate (and a couple bottles of Absolut or somesuch), but they're only like $3, so it all evens out.
What time people start showing up - 3rd opening act o'clock-ish.
Bartender efficiency - the "bar" is essentially a dilapidated fridge stocked with cans of the aforementioned that's guarded by a dude with a coffee can full of $1s. But it works.
Official Website - here. Its professional appearance completely belies the decor of the venue, but that's the world we're living in, par.
Food? How late - BYOF.
TVs? What's on - still surprised that Showtime's "Homeland" has been consistently top-notch throughout its first season and glad that it'll be coming back for another. Hasn't been a show this good on that godforsaken channel since the first season of "Dexter."
Guy:girl ratio - this guy for president (of Scotland).
Toys - they have a balcony that looks out on the street directly below the balcony.
Age of clientele - old enough to genuinely appreciate the societal commentary that the creators of "Homeland" are trying to make.
Space for dancing? - plenty, and they're presumably unencumbered by NYC's cabaret laws out here in Helena, but no one takes advantage. Shame.
Music medium, style & volume - the website features free downloads of recordings of many of the shows held here.
Specials or most popular drink - fucking hate that alcohol is such an effective diuretic.

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Visceralist Review: Yelawolf - "Radioactive"

2011-12-02T18:57:00.004-05:00

Look at this fucking middling piece of shit.

(plus, what in the bootleg Bart Simpson hell is going on with this cover?)

Ludlow Manor

2011-11-16T00:35:00.003-05:00

95 Delancey St (corner of Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
no phone, but @LudlowManor

Bathroom situation - street level, towards the back, take a mean left, then down the stairs, then around the damn corner. Then down the fuckin' hall, god damn! Fuckin' trail of tears trying to get to this shit.
Takes credit cards? - in one chapter of David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas that's set in a dystopian future world, the credit system is described as being essentially the same as one's soul. Not that they've magically/mystically replaced people's souls with credit somehow - it's just that "soul" is the name they use to describe the credit system. Anyway, if the novel has somehow managed to accurately predict the future (i.e. that Mitchell is a witch), one gets the sense that Ludlow Manor and its mgmt will somehow be the impetus of this new system. Explanation why coming up below...
Crowded on weekends? - can't really say because, technically, this place has only been in soft-open mode since last Saturday and won't open for real until this Saturday. However! Visceralist was invited this past Friday and rolled. Now, "invited" is V-speak for "happened to be in line behind folks who actually were invited and just said 'yep' when the bouncer asked if we were with them" but the point is we were up in there, occupying the Manor like we had a protest permit.
Seating - ...but some dude in what can only be described in the Lower East Side's raunchiest fur coat prevented us from going to check out the upstairs, so we can only really speak on the ground level. Forealdo, there were roughly 10-15 stools at the bar, a few more arranged around the shelves abutting the windows in front and a few booths and tables scattered around the Manor's admittedly impressive square footage.
Neighborhood - not long ago, this stretch of Ludlow boasted only the disappointing 87 (which was later re-branded as the only marginally less disappointing UC Lounge). It now features the splendid Hotel Chantelle,the abysmally triflin' Chloe 81, and now this. So how that go?
Pretentious/assholes - according to this, the management of this place wants to attract "sexy people that care how their hair looks." Now, this is a shame because there was an opportunity here for them to create something with that could rival its neighbor, Hotel Chantelle (a Visceralist favorite, full disclosure), in terms of atmosphere, clientele, carriage, demeanor, je ne sais quois & VIP offers to local nightlife bloggers with zero integrity and an audience of dozens. Suffice to say, they did not dress Visceralist up in their love.
Cost of Stella - so far they only have them in bottles here. Fun fact! Visceralist has been told that in the UK, they've adopted the term "wifebeater" to describe a pint of Stella because it's so damn plebeian. How that go?

Fire On Ludlow?

2011-11-06T00:21:00.001-04:00

This is the scene on Ludlow right now. The NYPD officer standing around responded to Visceralist's "Hey, what's going on?" thusly: Do I fucking look like a fireman? Theres a bunch of them around here, fucking ask one of them.

Fair point.

Visceralist Review - A$AP Rocky "LiveLoveA$AP"

2011-11-01T00:45:00.005-04:00

Look at this fucking ill piece of hood shit.
Download here.

Awesome Jacket is Awesome

2011-10-18T22:56:00.001-04:00

@ Shea Stadium BK

Radegast Hall & Biergarten

2011-10-09T03:18:00.005-04:00

113 N. 3rd St. (btw Wythe & Berry)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 963-3973

Bathroom situation - way in the back part on the left. Seems like there's usually a line for the women's so here goes a Visceralist pro-tip - the East River is just down the block, so...
Takes credit cards? - with aplomb.
Crowded on weekends? - The Weeknd's "Thursday" was kinda disappointing, no? Still, this guy's still the buzziest unsigned hype since 50, so he'll be ok. Visceralist prediction! Dude signs with some Universal subsidiary. OK, that's boring.
Seating - so this is the big payday here. They have a gang of benches for communal conviviality. Cool! The thing is, tho, that Radegast attracts big groups who'll want to devour a whole bench like everyone other than them hates sitting down. Still and all, just run up on the seats and sit...what are they gonna do, really? Tell on you? "Teacher, teacher! You forgot to give us homework!" Fuck outta here.
Neighborhood - row houses nearby. Not exactly like the B'more trap, but not entirely dissimilar. "How's my hair look? You look good, girl." Oof.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was here on a recent Saturday afternoon and there was a whole big ol' cohort of polo shirts that were acting like they didn't have the sense God gave a mule. Some muthafuckas get a seat at the cool kids table and just lose their damn minds. That ain't bout shit.
Cost of Stella - they have more beers here than Will Arnett has fake hair on his head but Visceralist didn't see Stella listed at first glance, and then got distracted and that was that.
What time people start showing up - afternoons. This is one of those bars that you can tell folks you spent all day at without getting one of those "Oh dear..." looks in response. So what's all that now? Visceralist spends a day off at Welcome to the Johnsons and all of a sudden we're the asshole...oof.
Bartender efficiency - the bar in the main room is well-staffed, so no complaints there. The service in the "garten" area can be downright abominable tho...AND they get pissed if you take some initiative and go get beers at the bar and sit back down. Granted, this is a faux pas when you're at a wait-service table. But if the "service" is neither here nor there, what are you supposed to do? Also, these kinds of problems don't come up at Johnsons...just sayin'.
Official Website - here. Auto-play streaming video on the main page, which is a huge "do not do" but the rest of the site is clean enough.
Food? How late - oh yeah...with all the trimmings.
TVs? What's on - commenters, who you think is gonna get dead in the season finale of Breaking Bad? Someone's gotta go, right? Hope it's not Gus, but it'll prolly be Gus.
Guy:girl ratio - David Cross has this great bit where the punchline is essentially "So there's a baby in the bar. A baby. In the bar." We're butchering it here, but you get the idea.
Toys - dominant costume for H'ween '11 has to be between Jobs and Angry Birds, right? Gosling from Drive may be in the mix too?
Age of clientele - mostly around the realization-that-yes-this-is-all-there-is-...damn age.
Space for dancing? - man, don't even. Like really. Just...no. Please stop.
Music medium, style & volume - oddly, none. So if you happen to hear any, it'll be purely diegetic.
Specials or most popular drink - they have bloody marys here for some reason.

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Cam'ron "Get 'em Girls" Live Best Buy Theatre 9/30/11

2011-10-01T02:34:00.002-04:00

Visceralist Review - "Drive" Movie & Soundtrack

2011-09-27T20:12:00.003-04:00

Look at this fucking brilliant piece of insanity.

Video: ASAP Rocky "Peso"

2011-09-13T21:23:00.001-04:00

Berry Park

2011-09-08T23:08:00.002-04:00

4 Berry St. (btw Nassau & 14th St.)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-2829

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W units just to the left of the bar in the main room on street level. The M's has a glass holder built into the wall above the throne in the stall. Speaking of which, Visceralist spent hurricane Irene weekend marathoning the first season of Game of Thrones. How ill was that last scene with the dragon babies? You mad, Lannisters?
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says that they ain't 'bout this life here, but Visceralist can confirm that they most certainly are.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist is strictly house partyin' or out-of-townin' on the weekends these days, so we hope you didn't come here expecting a good answer here. If we had to guess though...we wouldn't.
Seating - plentiful.
Neighborhood - commenters, help us out. Anyone got a line on the spot No Name Bar that's around hereabouts? Drop us a line.
Pretentious/assholes - visible boxers is a must.
Cost of Stella - not present. Visceralist mad, bro.
What time people start showing up - back when he bothered showing up, Jamie Foxx told a story on Foxxhole radio about how he was throwing a huge house party (apparently he owns 40 acres in the LA area...replete with an avocado farm that generates enough income to pay the yearly taxes on the entire property) and at some point around 3am there was a turning point where he started going around tapping his guests on the shoulder and saying something like "Yo, it's time for you to make a decision. It's either go time, or time to go time." Meaning the party was about to turn a corner at the intersection of Coke & Lube streets.
Bartender efficiency - moderately understaffed, so...
Official Website - http://www.berryparkbk.com/
Food? How late - seasoned fries, which...
TVs? What's on - apparently the movie "Drive" : 2011 :: "Blue Valentine" : 2010 :: "Inglorious Basterds" :: 2009
Guy:girl ratio - LL Cool BP.
Toys - projector turns the street level main area into a sports bar.
Age of clientele - mostly folks in their mid-Greenpoints.
Space for dancing? - upstairs yes, but it is subtly discouraged.
Music medium, style & volume - disappointing 2nd & 3rd quarters so far. This Drake album better be the shiznick (pronounced like Larry David's dad in that Curb hooker episode where Larry buys weed from Hurley).
Specials or most popular drink - what are we gonna do with all this beeaaaahhhh?!

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The Weeknd - "Thursday"

2011-08-19T18:41:00.003-04:00

Look at this fucking new piece of hot shit.

Download here.

White Star

2011-08-11T19:47:00.003-04:00

21 Essex St. (btw Division & Hester)

New York, NY 10012
no digits

Bathroom situation - 2 downstairs, both with functional locks, so you don't have to worry about a replay of that one scene from the doll episode of Curb in season 2 where Larry's supposed to be watching the door while Cheryl's in the bathroom, then he gets distracted, then the plumber dude walks in on her "at the worst possible moment" (her words). God, that'd be the worst. Even for a dude.
Takes credit cards? - no, and they don't have an ATM either, so be sure to get your racks right before carrying your drinking problem across the threshold.
Crowded on weekends? - this place is smaller than a cherry's butthole, but somehow never gets too cramped.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, and a backroom with plush seating for, say, 10-15.
Neighborhood - the off-the-grid, "Into the Wild" portion of the LES/Chinatown border. Cabs be scarce and women be shoppin.
Pretentious/assholes - do douches still pop collars? Visceralist hasn't seen this in a while, so we'll assume it's an artifact at this point. Hmmm...time for an ironic comeback? Commenters...?
Cost of Stella - you'll have to do that old trick where you sneak some in in a Snapple bottle then take a few cheeky swigs when the bartender isn't looking. Cuz they don't sell it here.
What time people start showing up - though White Star apparently has a fairly strong profile in general (126 Yelp reviews and counting), it seems to cater mostly to regulars who stop by, find out what the good word is, then peace in the middle east.
Bartender efficiency - this is a cocktail-driven bar, and the cocktails they slang are fairly elaborate (pestles fucking mortars), so bring your kindles.
Official Website - none. Btw, best Bodie line from the Wire - in Season 2 when they're running out of product and two of his underlings come around asking for severance pay because they haven't had any work in a while and Bodie's like "Y'all better go and get the hell on before I lose my composure out this bitch!"
Food? How late - though Bodie has a shaved head throughout most of the series, in the pilot he has his hair like Kobe's when he first got into the league. Most likely because the pilot was filmed separately from the rest of Season 1.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist still thinks they made Bodie a bit too sympathetic in Season 4, given what he did to Wallace, but he did get his predictable comeuppance, so...composure!
Guy:girl ratio - can't stop a woman from shoppin...
Toys - if Visceralist remembers correctly, there's a pole in the backroom. Work that core!
Age of clientele - skews 30s.
Space for dancing? - is pole-dancing really dancing or is it more narcissism in motion. Commenters?
Music medium, style & volume - they sometimes have a DJ here on the weekends, but usually you'll be treated to the bartender's iPod's essential best-of greatest hits.
Specials or most popular drink - try the Stevens Point Ale. We hear it's the bomb (#SantangeloSeason3Hamsterdam).

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Food Review: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2011-07-01T14:11:00.001-04:00

Room 18

2011-06-23T22:39:00.005-04:00

18 Spring St. (btw Elizabeth & Mott)

New York, NY 10012
(212) 219-0942

Bathroom situation - oof. One single, solitary unit in the back that caters to both Adam & Eve (which, btw, if they had two sons, how did the whole rest of the human race come from just them? Commenters, help us out here). For a space as large as this, in a neighborhood that gets as crowded as that and attracts a clientele as drunk as the third, this is an egregious oversight. Our advice: if you happen to find yourself here and you start feeling that familiar tingling sensation, just go somewhere else.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernible minimum, which is a pleasant throwback nostalgia good ol' days why isn't the Captain America movie coming out on July 4th?
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist's first/last Room 18 experience was on a recent Friday evening. It was well after happy hour (happier hour?) and, hand to heart, hand on the Bible, all I have in this world is my word & my balls: it was pretty crowded. Enough has been said!
Seating - considering how many people they pack in here, the seating options are cantankerously limited. Flibbity-jibbet!
Neighborhood - if it can be said that SoHo has an edgy part, then Visceralist is gonna go ahead and say that Room 18 in the edgy part of SoHo. Not edgy to the point where you'd want to "tool-up" with the "biscuit" and be ready for some potential "ratchet-time" just in case it "goes down," but you might want to just double check that your wallet's actually still in your back pocket every now and then.
Pretentious/assholes - though Room 18 is the kind of nondescript SoHo hangout spot that typically does attract its fair share of Sean Parker wannabes, Visceralist didn't find anything worth fretting over.
Cost of Stella - now! Now we'll tell you why we've so far been so salty about Room 18. There's really no other way to put it other than to just come right out and blurt it right on out: cans of Tecate are 6 "Samuel L. Jackson" dollars! Each! So the first thing Visceralist did upon hearing that the two cans we just asked for would run us $12 - that is, after the smelling salts took effect and we freshened up in the restroom (after waiting in line for 10 minutes) - was to launch into a lecture that began "Where do you get off?!" And that's exactly what we did. Wait, no, that's not what we did. We paid for it with a credit card and a smiled while doing it. Fuck Our Lives.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got there 12ish the other night and it was already gilled to the packs. Ugh, $6 for a fucking Tecate! 6! And we ain't talking Blossom's friend! Even Blossom's friend Six would know better than to charge that much for a can of that particular brand of micturition. And she was dumb enough to have a crush on Joey Whoa! And he was dumb enough to put out that terrible single that helped his album go quadruple platinum! The fuck??!
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist has never worked as a bartender, but we imagine that when it gets crowded at a place like this, from their point of view it must look like E. Honda's "100-hands" special move, with each hand annoyingly clutching a $20. Commenters, is this accurate?
Official Website - Google & Yelp say that they have room18ny.com, but they either forgot to renew their domain recently, or forgot to not be idiots, cuz their site is currently one big piece of spamshit.
Food? How late - they apparently have some nibbles earlier in the evening, but the Yelpster community says that they're nothing to resign from US Congress over.
TVs? What's on - no NBA for like the next 4 months, so no need to have a TV, we suppose.
Guy:girl ratio - airtight.
Toys - 6 fucking dollars...ssmh (the first "s" is for "still").
Age of clientele - well, it's SoHo, so you know it's all about 30 year-olds and the 50 year-olds that tolerate them.
Space for dancing? - if they persist in charging $6 for cans of Tecate, then the only dancing that Visceralist is interested in is the "Ottoman hump" dance that we'll be doing on Room 18's grave when they finally go under.
Music medium, style & volume - why isn't there a foursquare for music?
Specials or most popular drink - if they even have Stella here, it's probably like $22 a bottle or something. Fuck's sake...

Video: The Weeknd "The Birds (Part 1)"

2011-06-19T18:51:00.001-04:00

"Thursday" Mixtape (allegedly) coming soon.

Larry Lawrence

2011-06-11T13:09:00.003-04:00

295 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 218-7866

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person stalls (aren't they the best?!) in the back. Visceralist makes a concerted effort to take a bathroom photo for each review, and we likely did at Larry Lawrence the last time we were here. However! Our iPhone is so loaded up with bathroom shots at this point that it's sometimes hard to remember which is which. Commenters, help us out with this one.
Takes credit cards? - you know that thing where you start a tab (oh, yeah they do take credit cards here, btw) and then you get another drink and the bartender is like "What's your name?" But it's really loud and you have a weird name? Pro tip! Pull out your iPhone and write your last name out in all caps in Notes then just show it to them. We had great success with this recently, you guys!
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but there's so much damn surface area that it's never really a thing, like.
Seating - 10 or 11 stools at the bar and a few booths that look like they were hewn from some hellafied slabs of oak.
Neighborhood - the part of Wburg that no one really talks about, but has some of the most hellafied restaurants and bars. How is Bushwick getting more love than LoMidBurg, you guys?
Pretentious/assholes - hmmmm...hard to say, you guys. Someone did roll up on us and say "You'd be cuter with more bangs" but we weren't totally sure if that really counted as a neg, so we didn't bother fucking.
Cost of Stella - 6 foot, 7 foot. Anyone watching Wayne's unplugged tomorrow, btw? We don't have cable here at Visceralist HQ, so commenters, help us out again.
What time people start showing up - 11 in the post.
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist was at a bar recently where we started a tab and when we finally went to Hancock that bitch there was an 18% gratuity already included. Now, this wasn't in NYC, but still. And then! there was a line for yet another tip. Wildly inappropriate. So we signed it "Visceralist don't go for the okey doke."
Official Website - here. The "Events" section lets us know that they're open on Thanksgiving at 10pm, but hey...
Food? How late - Walter and Rye are both within a block of LL, so go there for fud.
TVs? What's on - apparently Oprah's highest-rated episode was one from 1993 that was about guys who date older women. But that was before the net-based stratification of entertainment ooptions, so what the hell else were people supposed to do?
Guy:girl ratio - gentlemen, it's summer in NYC! You know what that's about. You know...#prurience
Toys - there's an outdoor area that you have to walk up some damn stairs to get to. It's where people go to smoke light cigarettes and drink diet Coke and listen to Vampire Weekend as part of a healthier lifestyle.
Age of clientele - dirty thirties.
Space for dancing? - how does one dance to LCD Soundsystem, exactly? Not being facetious, like really, how does it work? We're sort of being facetious.
Music medium, style & volume - lots of Vampire Weekend and LCD Soundsystem.
Specials or most popular drink - remember this? "Um, excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema."

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Still

2011-05-27T20:02:00.000-04:00

Sleigh Bells "Tell 'Em" - MHOW 5/12/11

2011-05-13T12:45:00.002-04:00

Kanye & Jay-Z @ MoMA 5/10/11

2011-05-11T10:46:00.001-04:00

Midway Bar

2011-04-28T19:58:00.003-04:00

272 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-1969

Bathroom situation - 2 unisexes in the back and to the left. Pro tip: if you get super pee-shy cuz you know someone's outside, waiting on you to finish (and prolly talking shit about you on Twitter like "God damn, this idiot better not be taking a shit in there. #ruiningitforeveryone"), it can help to idly check Facebook on your smart phone or game out a few different basketball offensive plays in your head....there we go...
Takes credit cards? - yes, and btw, shouts out to getting Visa gift cards in the mail for your bday. #momsarethebest
Crowded on weekends? - so this place opened only a couple months ago and has pretty poor signage and Hipster Runoff hasn't yet come across any photos of any 'relevant' scenesters here to make fun of, so it should be fine for a while.
Seating - they have a pool table you could prolly lean up on...and also a bunch of bar stools and seats and all that normal bar shit that everyone knows about.
Neighborhood - literally on the border between North & South Wburg. Yellow cabs roll through the area often enough that hailing one can be harder than ripping open a condom wrapper, but definitely easier than putting one on properly. #fuckthisshit
Pretentious/assholes - since Trump has had a monopoly on this characteristic in NYC over the past few weeks and he'd prolly fly into a tasmanian devil-like frenzy of pearl-clutching at the mere suggestion that he set foot in here, there shouldn't be anything to worry about for a while.
Cost of Stella - commenters, remind us to steal one of those Stella-branded glasses next time we come across one, cuz we want one that we can keep at Visceralist HQ that we can adore and fuck and brag about. #stellasaprettybitch
What time people start showing up - late, because this place is prolly catching a lot of the nearby Clem's overflow.
Bartender efficiency - one of Visceralist's buddies recently got one of the bartender's phone numbers, which seemed like quite the coup at the time, but then kinda just went nowhere. #lackadaisical
Official Website - not yet, you guys. Granted, they're pretty new, but there's still no excuse for just not having a web presence at this point.
Food? How late - uff da, those "Texas-style BBQ Ribs" they had in the cafeteria here at Visceralist HQ today have been throwing a tantrum in our digestive system all afternoon. #andthataintcute
TVs? What's on - nope. Btw, commenters, is Treme any good? Worth investing in? We already got "Game of Thrones" and "The Killing" locked in and are pretty busy otherwise, so just wondering if we should bother cutting out showering/shaving to make time for it. #behonest
Guy:girl ratio - the decor here is similar enough to the nearby Turkey's Nest, so just think about the last time you were there and extrapolate accordingly.
Toys - so, is Trumps hair just an insanely extensive comb-over or (even worse?) a piece designed to look like a terrible comb-over? God, just imagine what kind of a mess he looks like getting out of the pool. Or don't.
Age of clientele - wait, what's the new 30? Is it 50 now? So what is 30? The new 18? What's that? Why are we asking? Don't worry about our lives, that's why.
Space for dancing? - don't you even dare.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a jukebox cuz they know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they're a thing that people still like.
Specials or most popular drink - Serious, you gotta remind us about that Stella glass thing. Leave a message in the comments with your email and we'll give you our mobile details.

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Donnybrook

2011-04-14T00:48:00.004-04:00

35 Clinton St. (corner of Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-7733

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person units in the downstairs and they are wet! "Wet" meaning the DMV slang that was a '07-'09 a stand-in for "tight", "ill", "swag", etc...so, not like the floors are covered in piss & snot or anything (what up, Cherry Tavern!).
Takes credit cards? - this is the kind of place where you should really know your credit score before throwing down a credit card, trying to look like a pre-'08 Madoff (or a post-Gwen Gavin) in order to impress a young such and such. Shit will catch up with you like a muh....but yeah, they take cards.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist was here at like 3am on a recent Friday night and it was kinda dead, but there was still the usual contingent of drunk high-heels dancing with each other and drunker townies [ed. not sure if that term works in NYC] trying to meet people outside if they were discouraged from grinding on said ladies. Tracie Egan, care to chime in here? [ed. in the comments would be great.]
Seating - 8 stools at the bar, 2 of those high tables you have to use stools at against the East window, and 3 or 4 long tables against the other windows. No joke here, so will just use this space to give some dap to The Weeknd. Fucking amazing debut mixtape. Industry bidding war is a given. Not giving any interviews (swag). Mark this date, Visceralist is officially calling this one.
Neighborhood - Clinton street is just as swanky as its (presumed) namesake, one William J. It has WD-50 and that one Bakery place that no one can ever get into.
Pretentious/assholes - yikes, this one's a tough call. Sure there's a fair number of folk who'll spend the night talking your ear off about that one bitch in their improv class that's just, really, no really, delusional. Ugh.
Cost of Stella - the standard $VI.
What time people start showing up - this place has flat-screens that show sports (Bulls FTW '11, write that down!), so like 8ish.
Bartender efficiency - so, Donnybrook is run by the same awesome folk that run Lucky Jacks.
Official Website - here. Flashin' like a muhfuh, but still totally effective.
Food? How late - fairly spartan, and loaded up with Irish stereotypes, but haven't seen any gas-faces here, so...
TVs? What's on - yes, hopefully showing D-Rose and the Rosetta Stones winning the Championship this year.
Guy:girl ratio - what's up with that one scene in "The 40-Year Old Virgin" where the crew of guys goes to a club and all of them score? Who is that helping? Tracie, chime in here again, please.
Toys - a surprisingly ample dance floor. Whatever happened to people using "The Watoosie" as a joke punchline, btw? So much comedic potential, kids, let's bring this one back. Tracie...
Age of clientele - people just a bit too old to have heard of The Weeknd (at least, as of today), but not too old to appreciate him if it comes on over the speakers.
Space for dancing? - minimal dance area near the bar on the weeknds.
Music medium, style & volume - Fuck, The Weeknd has seriously just sneaked in the best thing out of anything since Kanye's "MBDTF"..."Blue Valentine" notwithstanding.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a $12 cocktail menu that includes Caipirinhas...which is, like, the proverbial.

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Visceralist Review: The Weeknd - "House of Balloons"

2011-04-07T19:50:00.004-04:00

Look at this fucking dope piece of hot shit. Free download here.

Terminal 5

2011-03-22T00:27:00.003-04:00

610 W. 56th Street (btw 11th & 12th Aves)

New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-6600

Bathroom situation - T5 is a fucking cavernous architectural abomination and, when we deign tip a toe inside, we here at Visceralist tend to spend our time on the 3rd floor balcony area. As such, most of this review will be told from that perspective. We could probably devote an entry each to each of the 3 levels, but that much flattery would make T5 think we actually like it when, really, we just put up with it cuz it likes some of the same bands we like and is the only game in town some nights. Anyway, the bathroom set up on the top level is actually pretty fucking perfect. There are roughly 10 single-person units in a row against the stage-side wall and there's an attendant there to keep things nice and orderly, thus preventing all those line-jumping fucks from taking advantage of you cuz they "really gotta go." Downside is that they only let one person in at a time...unless you show that tip basket some love after your first trip. [ed. Christ, this prose is already an editorial WMD...did you learn nothing at all from the "The Wire" season 5 marathon we did this weekend?]. Plus each bathroom is lit in Blue Valentine "Future Room" neon blue.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, each bar has those touchscreens with the green squares that each correspond to a different drink (right?). So, if you feel like yelling your complicated last name into the bartender's ear over the din of distorted bass reverberating around the airspace of this converted Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Annex (true story), then you go right ahead and leave that Discover card open for the night.
Crowded on weekends? - depends...did they move the show your going to see to T5 from Webster Hall or from Radio City (yep, shots fired at you CWK! Congratulations...you will always be forgotten).
Seating - a few booths and tables against the walls on the 2nd and 3rd floors, but you best believe that once Blonde Redhead or Miike Snow hits the stage, they'll be emptier than the seats at a Miami Heat home game 10 mins into the first quarter.
Neighborhood - in the frozen hinterlands of Hell's Kitchen and, quite frankly, a little too close to the Hudson for comfort. However, savvy cabbies generally know when there are shows and when they let out (12ish due to union rules, apparently), so if you don't mind waiting, you'll be able to get one. But still...muthafuck the west side!
Pretentious/assholes - shouts out to Bowery Presents, cuz they do do a good bit of business most times, but T5 is still the west side, so...
Cost of Stella - $6, plus the standard plastic cup service charges...so, $8 plus tip.
What time people start showing up - well, Visceralist showed up to the recent Girl Talk show at like 10:18ish, and it was already going down like nitro, so...
Bartender efficiency - terrible, but, to be fair, they do get a lot of Palins in there who are like "I want a cosmo....and Jeff wants two Heinekens...Jeff! Heinekens, right?! How many? Oh wait, ok, so Jeff wanted two, but Marcus wanted one too...so 3 Heinekens...and 2 cosmos."
Official Website - here. It's part of the Bowery Presents family of sites, which are intuitively laid-out, efficient and perfunctory.
Food? How late - Visceralist found out the hard way today that there is a distinct difference between Boar's Head's Gruyere and their French Gruyere. First commenter who can guess which we prefer gets 50 Visceralist bucks!
TVs? What's on - how is it that Rockwood is like the only NYC venue that has flatscreens that actually broadcast what's happening on stage to other parts of the venue?
Guy:girl ratio - probably depends on the show. The recent Downtown Records showcase was predictably dick-heavy, but the Girl Talk show was more favorably babe-heavy.
Toys - if Yelp comments are to be believed, the bouncers here ain't known for their guff-tolerance, so toying with their emotions is a do not do.
Age of clientele - again, will depend on which side of the career-trajectory bell curve the headliner is currently enjoying.
Space for dancing? - commenters, any guesses on what will supplant the Dougie as the new hot dance shit now that the LA Times has run a drive-by on it?
Music medium, style & volume - T5's acoustics catch a lot of flack from a lot of would-be audiophiles, but really, most people can't tell the difference between 128k and 320k bitrates, so fuck them and their Super Audio CDs.
Specials or most popular drink - "Oh, you're out of Heineken? Then why is that plastic cup turned over on the Heineken tap? Oh, that means you're out? Huh...Jeff! They're out of Heineken! Ok, well what do you have that's like Heineken?"

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You Gotta Know What a Crumpet Is to Play Cricket

2011-03-20T14:47:00.002-04:00

GDP - Neural Circuitry

2011-03-11T19:17:00.000-05:00

The Crowd at Girl Talk at T5 2/24/11

2011-02-26T18:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T19:31:00.000-05:00

The Woods

2011-02-11T02:00:00.004-05:00

48 S. 4th St. (btw Kent & Wythe Aves)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-4955

Bathroom situation - 4 single-person utility closets secluded just around the corner the middle of the bar. Usually a line, but it usually moves faster than that line when you're running late and the thought of that McDonald's steak & egg bagel is hitting all the right buttons. Fuck!
Takes credit cards? - yes, if you don't mind your card being lost so hard that it's primary concern becomes "Why the fuck is there a polar bear on this island!?"
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, and this is why The Woods catches so much flackjackets. Fridays & Saturdays are a fucking ancient Mesopotamian market place on Black Friday, but still. So there's that. Ok. So we know this. Um. How bout there are other days in the week tho? God.
Seating - stools at the bar and booths against the wall, but this place has never really been about that. If you really can't stomach standing up the entire time you spend here, thinking up reasons not to talk to that cute chick/dude over there, then you deserve all the grumpies that come in the box you just bought.
Neighborhood - yeah, so this place abutts the East River like it's trying to make rent, but still. It ain't thaaaat far from the Bedford L. Still, no cabs 'round here, so make sure you didn't come to that party here with those "sort of" friends who might leave your desperate ass.
Pretentious/assholes - if you're at a spot on a damn Saturday night and there isn't anyone there who sounds like a walking/talking Hipster Runoff...then you ain't anywhere.
Cost of Stella - unfortunately, Visceralist was too aggy to really get into this last time we were here, but it's prolly like $5-6. [ed. that's technically not libelous because he's an idiot]
What time people start showing up - "Called up the homeys and I'm asking y'all / Which court, are y'all playin basketball?" - O'shea Jackson c' 1996.
Bartender efficiency - the interior of this place is more spacious than those UFOs that helped build the pyramids (both Egyptian and Mayan), so the bartenders (usually 2 at a time) are facing significant challenges every night, but they still keep shit moving like a lactose-intolerant Packers fan's lower intestine after 2/6/11.
Official Website - they ain't got that...you can check Google to double-check Visceralist cuz you don't trust us, but please double back when you realize that we're right. We love being right.
Food? How late - you can get some tacos out back when it's nice and warm. None of that was a euphemism.
TVs? What's on - unless TV is some new kind of STD that only the cool kids are getting....
Guy:girl ratio - if you're worried about this, you're most likely reading this from a place where it won't matter cuz you won't go to The Woods and you'll never know The Woods...so stay the fuck out of The Woods (shouts out to Treach & Co.)
Toys - presumably, if they were ever to hold a wedding reception here, they could do that thing where the awkward lanky dude dances ironically to "Come On Eileen" and then everyone else could make fun of how happy he seems. But that's a big if.
Age of clientele - well, the guy's are old enough to where they're used to saying "...so is that a 'no'?"
Space for dancing? - oh yes they did do it.
Music medium, style & volume - you've heard of Muse, right?
Specials or most popular drink - you can upgrade the traditional $5 beer+shot to top-shelf for an additional dollar. Eh?

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The Most Illegal Wrestling Moves of All Time

2011-02-04T18:14:00.001-05:00

Going HAM on NBA 2K11

2011-01-28T17:43:00.001-05:00

Black Door

2011-01-20T23:43:00.003-05:00

127 W. 26th Street (btw 6th & 7th Aves)

New York, NY 10001
(212) 645-0215

Bathroom situation - 3 unisex in the main room and 2 unisex in the backroom. As evidenced by the photo above, Visceralist was going straight HAM in one of the backroom room-room's the other night. The bathroom bouncer saw the Heineken in our hand and was like, "Ooohhhh, from the commercial, right!?" with a big Odie grin on his face.
Takes credit cards? - sheeeeiiittt, they didn't stop taking Visceralist's credit card info!
Crowded on weekends? - crowded NYC bars are crowded.
Seating - the Black Door doesn't take reservations, so it's first come, first served. Yo, save us a spot!
Neighborhood - Visceralist had to go to the Home Depot on 23rd street to get a replacement toilet seat for Visceralist.com HQ a yearish ago. That was the first time we'd been in the Flatiron district proper. The recent trip to the Black Door was the 2nd. Unless the LES somehow folds over the city like that Paris scene in Inception, there will not be a third.
Pretentious/assholes - this ain't your daddy's average Flatiron dive bar. No, ma'am (shouts out to The King's Speech). It's more like your childhood best friend's older brother's. The one who used to chuck those Nerf footballs at you at top speed [ed. fuck that foam shit, those can still hurt] when you just came over to play some Grand Theft Auto 3 in the basement...then he still expected you to hide his 12-pack of Miller under that one blanket until their mom left. Fuck, and that's why you still won't get near any Playstation. Still.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist took one look at the bartender's ironed-shirt & bow-tie combo and figured we wouldn't be able to afford it, so we stuck with the previously aforementioned Heineken. Shit was still like $7 tho...on the strempf.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hasn't showed up at a bar before 12am since Cheney was peppering his buddies' faces with buckshot like his first name was Cayenne. Just being honest and keeping it real. Cuz that's a virtue 100% of the time.
Bartender efficiency - they know the score and they're serving for the match, bitch. Vamos Rafa!
Official Website - they don't got one but Visceralist is thinking about a redesign to make this shit a bit more HTML 5-y. Thoughts, commentariot?
Food? How late - if variety is the spice of life, they have a lot of salt & pepper here. [ed. Ok, that metaphor almost just folded in over itself like that one Paris scene in Inception...and that is not a compliment.]
TVs? What's on - Visceralist thinks we can all agree now that The Big Lebowski has been wildly overrated, but we'll be cot-damned if J. Bridges didn't murk the fuck out of True Grit. The Academy loves (loves, loves!) actors who play real people though, so he really should've played John Wayne playing that sheriff if he wanted that gold eunuch. He shot a damn snake in the face tho, so fuck it.
Guy:girl ratio - prolly equivalent to that Star Trek reboot (counting extras).
Toys - and while we're talking about J.J. Abrams, can we finally all agree that the LOST finale DVD extra postscript was just straight triflin, unnecessary bullshit?
Age of clientele - things learned from the Sex and the City oeuvre: Sex and the City's success bankrolled so many quality HBO series (looking at you, The Wire & The Comeback) that if they wanna act like 40 is the new 20, just fuckin let them have their fuckin fun.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has recently been learning the Dougie (that's some crispy new hot shit, so don't worry, you'll prolly hear about it in the next 6 months or so) and had the opportunity to show it off here recently. Blown minds were blown.
Music medium, style & volume - loud and Top 40'd to the Tippecanoe and Tyler too!
Specials or most popular drink - they'll pour your stupid ass a drink, so either get your ass in or get your ass on.

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Kevin Hart is "Chocolate Drop"

2011-01-13T11:10:00.001-05:00

NYC Happy New Year Dance

2011-01-04T19:22:00.001-05:00

Best of 2010

2010-12-22T21:55:00.003-05:00

Album: Kanye West - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"
Song: Sleigh Bells "Crown On The Ground"
Movie: Inception
TV: Breaking Bad
Book: Savages
New NYC Bar: Hotel Chantelle
Visceralist's Bathroom Experience: Cooper Square Hotel
Sports Event: The Decision
Book Review: NYTimes on Mark Twain's "Autobiography of Mark Twain: Volume 1"
Mobile App: Netflix
Art: Kehinde Wiley x 2010 World Cup
Gizmo: iPhone 4
Clothing: Reason

The Cabin Down Below

2010-12-18T12:08:00.002-05:00

110 Avenue A (entrance on 7th btw A & B)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 614-9798

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person units right next to the bar. There is a constant, unyielding line at all times, so as much as you may want to listen to a little bit of "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" while you're peeing, do not do because people are waiting and looking awkward.
Takes credit cards? - yeah and for some reason this place reminds Visceralist of the scene in "Dig!" where the singer from The Dandy Warhols was talking about his band's recoupment status with their label and says "We were so in the black it's not even funny." As if. Cunt. *dead*
Crowded on weekends? - fuck yeah, man.
Seating - the set up is like a restaurant, and they have these booths that are mad claustrophobic like on some "Or else it gets the hose again" shit.
Neighborhood - belly of the beast, muhfucka.
Pretentious/assholes - fuck yeah, man. Tons of singers from The Dandy Warhols here.
Cost of Stella - they're mostly about cocktails here, so don't get gas-faced asking for a beer here like some simpin'-ass hook.
What time people start showing up - as befits this spot's speakeasy facade, the cool kids wouldn't be caught dead here before 3am.
Bartender efficiency - The Cabin Down Below has an unfortunate bottle-neck problem near the bar because it's so small, but the 'tenders here are gasp! surprisingly adept at pourin' that poison.
Official Website - Visceralist is of the opinion that every place, even "speakeasies", should have some type of web-presence. But a lot of managements seem to think it helps their allure to avoid this altogether. They're wrong.
Food? How late - apparently the entrance to this place used to be through some random backdoor in a pizza place around the corner. Thank God they peace'd that pretentious bullshit.
TVs? What's on - best show of '10? Welp, Visceralist loved Boardwalk Empire, but mostly for the gangsta shit that Jimmy got into...Mad Men had their best season, true, but nothing was fucking with the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul for President.
Guy:girl ratio - it's a gang of foxxy mommas here.
Toys - they have candles here, so you can do that game that everyone knows about where you take turns pouring hot wax on your hand and see who flinches first.
Age of clientele - Visceralist will (hopefully) be 40 someday, so we really shouldn't talk shit, but...c'mon son.
Space for dancing? - This.
Music medium, style & volume - if Visceralist ever comes here not wasted up the fuck, we'll let you know.
Specials or most popular drink - $12 cocktails...I know, right?

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Bedlam

2010-12-09T23:08:00.003-05:00

40 Avenue C (btw E. 3rd & E. 4th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-1049

Bathroom situation - 4 single-person unisex walk-in closets right to the left of the dance floor. This is an unfortunate design flaw cuz who wants to have to have to account for 1 or 2 4-person queues in the middle of the dance floor when you're prepping your Dougie, Jerk, 2-step or what-have you? Nadie, that's who.
Takes credit cards? - this place is still fairly new, so prolly not, but they do appear to have those touch-screens that have the drinks pre-loaded, so they just press a button and all of a sudden you're out that $8 cash that you were hoping would last til the end of Thursday night, or at least til 1:30 am Thursday night when your direct deposit finally hits your account.
Crowded on weekends? - so this place had a wild opening night which attracted international superstars like Matthew Broderick and Anderson Cooper's bf. Things seem to have cooled down since then, but don't be surprised if the place is nuts-to-butts on account of a Ted Danson sighting that's got Twitter going crazy. #SamMaloneInTheBuilding
Seating - Bedlam features a slightly longer-than-your-average bar, so it's a grip of stools at the bar. 4 or 5 loungey booths opposite the bar. Then there's a backroom that's completely swagged out with couches, sofas AND davenports. Get it how you live!
Neighborhood - the part of alphabet city that's still probably fine, but has become a little "ehhh, iffy" since the recession hit.
Pretentious/assholes - the cunt clique doesn't generally venture out to Avenue C too often, and when they do it's usually to "check out" Zum Schneider, NuBlu or Sunburnt Cow. Doesn't appear that they've re-upholstered Bedlam's pussy yet.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was here for the Fader new issue release party the other night and the open bar was only on bottles of Bud (no shots), so we didn't get to check its Stemperature. Next time.
What time people start showing up - so the decor here is extremely taxidermy-heavy. Reminiscent in some ways of Freeman's but like that but on coke for a few hours and can't stop talking about how much taxidermy is unfairly maligned "these days" and how they're gonna "bring it back." Eh.
Bartender efficiency - way more efficient at serving drinks than Salem is at figuring out when a song should fucking end. Like by a fucking order of magnitude.
Official Website - not yet, but we know they have it in them.
Food? How late - they have food here like Home Depot has food there. Like, you could probably eat some of the stuff in there, but...
TVs? What's on - nah, so you'll have to stick to Hulu and Netflix streaming [ed. shouts out to them getting the full LOST catalog again soon].
Guy:girl ratio - remember that Black Rob song "Whoa?" Well, it's goin' down like whoa here at Bedlam.
Toys - the backroom apparently transforms into a quasi-VIP section on the weekends, so the marachino-cherry dart game can definitely be in effect mode.
Age of clientele - young enough to be confused as to why there's a huge [ed. like way too huge] moose head jutting 5 feet out of the wall, overlooking the proceedings and going like "SMH."
Space for dancing? - yes! A dedicated dance floor just past the bar. It's pretty comfy-cozy, but if that new David Guetta is really releasing the right endorphins in your brain-box, then just go for it.
Music medium, style & volume - what Visceralist has been told is "progressive house" coming from the DJ boof.
Specials or most popular drink - RIP NYC 4Loko (2010). Pour out a sip of Sparks.

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The Narrows

2010-12-03T20:06:00.003-05:00

1037 Flushing Ave (btw Morgan & Wilson)

Brooklyn, NY 11237
(ONO) YOU-DINT

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex joints in arrears.
Takes credit cards? - the fuck outta here with that ol' bullshit. This. Right here. Is Bushwick.
Crowded on weekends? - The Narrows [ed. presumably] takes its name from its letter I-shaped floor plan, so there's barely enough space to do a convincing Dougie dance, so there's barely enough room for it to get too crowded.
Seating - 8 or 9 bolted-to-the-flo' stools at the bar and a small booth in the front. Plus some kind of backyard that wasn't open the last time Visceralist was there.
Neighborhood - as alluded to above, this is what could be considered the swagged-out section of Bushwick....so only a few scary warehouses. No yellow cabs, but you already knew that.
Pretentious/assholes - certainly not as many as were in the stands last night when Lebron was roasting the Cavs so tough.
Cost of Stella - The Narrows prides itself on serving "craft beers" so asking for a Stella will get you one of them looks. You know the look. The "well why don't you call the wahmbulance" look. It's all gucci, though.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hates the phrase "drips and drabs" cuz it's not even a real phrase [ed. says the person who's still trying to coin "There it is, Elizabeth...there it is."], but it seems appropriate here.
Bartender efficiency - the specialty cocktails they serve here are somewhat involved as far as prep, but the gents here are adept enough, so it's not like the sun will explode before you get your drink, unlike at Delmano [ed. damn, shots fired].
Official Website - here. Sparse than a muhfugga.
Food? How late - Visceralist came here based on the recommendation of a bartender at the nearby Roberta's. Fun fact! Roberta's was inspired by best-pizza-in-the-US-supplier Pepe's.
TVs? What's on - Boardwalk Empire has its issues, sure, but you know you can't front on how goddamn gangsta it gets some times. You know this.
Guy:girl ratio - seemed fairly even the other night. Btw, this is some hot shit.
Toys - well, the bartender's hair looked like it was cut with some Legos, so they may have some of those in the back.
Age of clientele - the usual.
Space for dancing? - he ~~may be~~ is a fucking cunt, but Chris Brown does a mean Dougie [ed. FF to 2:57]
Music medium, style & volume - how the fuck did Fergie make it onto "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"? Does she really have juice like that? Cuz you know Kanye wasn't like, "Yo, you know what this fucking amazingly awesome track needs? That one chick that the label forced the Black Eyed Peas to add in order to seem more mainstream."
Specials or most popular drink - a Bud + Jameson shot or a Sol + Jalapeno Tequila shot for $6.

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Video: Kanye West @ Bowery Ballroom "Lost in the World"

2010-11-25T08:32:00.001-05:00

11/23/10

Hotel Chantelle

2010-11-18T19:57:00.004-05:00

92 Ludlow St. (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9100

Bathroom situation - Visceralist seems to recall that there are a M & W just to the right of the bar, but there are definitely 2 unisex units immediately to your left when you enter. Fuckin strong drinks here...like, on some Four Loko shit [ed. see, we got references for yo' ass!]. They're all perfectly reasonable, but seem a tad flimsy for a place that's so clearly trying so hard to project that certain je ne fuckin sais quois.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but the bartender's eye-roll the other night told us loudly and clearly that they do not like having to do that thing where you put $15 on one card and the rest on another cuz you're close to your limit on the first one. Fuckers all uppity like they haven't ever used a Coinstar.
Crowded on weekends? - so, Hotel Chantelle is apparently still in the midst of a soft-opening. This, coupled with the fact that the entrance is one of those where you're like "Wait, is this a place...? I see lights, but I'm not sure if people are in there" means that it's still primarily frequented by folks who like to think that they're in-the-know. This will all change drastically once the button-down-clique catches a whiff of it, trust. So, to answer the question at hand, nope.
Seating - apparently the restaurant area of Chantelle seats upwards of 300, but that portion either isn't open to the public yet or just wasn't open to Visceralist the other night. Either way, if you have a problem finding a seat here, you. are. a. loser!
Neighborhood - if the LES has an area that's comparable to that part of Greenpoint that's just warehouses and regret, this is it. That said, it is still the fucking LES, so you know: no problem finding a cab, jakes in uniforms and out of uniforms & dried puke on the sidewalk.
Pretentious/assholes - we really shouldn't say "hell yes" based solely on the fact that this place will inevitably be a douchecunt-magnet in like a month or so...but hell yes.

Cost of Stella - no Stella here, but we'd like to take this opportunity to let y'all know that this post is officially brought to you by Four Loko, Lemonade Flavor. The first sip was a muhfuh, but it's no worse than like a strong Sparks/Smirnoff Ice...no better either.
What time people start showing up - during the week...they don't. Weekends, prolly like 10-11pm. Again, this place is really easy to miss, so Visceralist's advice is to just walk south on Ludlow and once you cross Delancey, stay on the East side of the street and just keep your head turned to your left, and when you get to a set of double-doors with mock-crystal doorhandles, you're there. Don't be shy.
Bartender efficiency - not so sure about the efficiency, but dude was genuinely nice & helpful last time we were there (he'll prolly get fired when his boss reads this, though).
Official Website - nah, per the aforementioned je ne sais quois. Fuck a Twitter feed anyway [ed. that's the Loko talking.]
Food? How late - they don't have any yet, but a 5-star review on Yelp! (that's clearly written by someone connected to the "Hotel") claims "The food featured (when the kitchen opens) will be a mixture from all of the colonies France once called their own."
TVs? What's on - no, but the Hulu Plus app is only $7.99 a month now (*cough* triflin *cough), so feel free to bust that out on a date and then just sit back and let the blowjobs roll in.
Guy:girl ratio - this place isn't quite to the point yet where you have to come with at least one lady friend to get in (we said "yet!"), but despite this, it's still not a total dick facocktory.
Toys - welp...it's dark enough and the booths provide enough cover to play with your significant other's privates under the table. People still do that, right? [ed. yeah, people who jerk off to Hoda & Kathie Lee]
Age of clientele - people old enough to be able to be able to pay for two cocktails with one credit card. So, like 40+ [ed. damn, we pay you enough now that you can come up off of WIC and still complaining...smh].
Space for dancing? - um, maybe if you know how to do the watoozie or the inka-dink. [ed. what did we tell you about those references?!]
Music medium, style & volume - if you haven't listened to Kanye's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" at least 5 times by now, then you haven't listened to music. And fuck you.
Specials or most popular drink - so, this is like a real cocktail lounge like Death & Co. or the Delmano or suchlike. Extrapolate from that what you will.

Visceralist Review: Kanye West - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"

2010-11-09T21:47:00.001-05:00

Look at this fucking awesome piece of genius.

Visceralist Review: Kid Cudi "Man on the Moon 2: The Legend of Mr. Rager"

2010-11-04T23:17:00.002-04:00

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Visceralist Review: Waka Flocka Flame - "Flockaveli"

2010-10-28T20:25:00.002-04:00

What Pitchfork said.

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 2

2010-10-20T21:11:00.001-04:00

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 1

2010-10-20T01:16:00.003-04:00

Das Racist at Pianos 10/19/10.

Video: The Room (Dubstep Remix)

2010-10-19T16:57:00.001-04:00

Oh, hi Mark.

Loreley

2010-10-15T21:51:00.003-04:00

7 Rivington St. (btw Bowery & Chrystie)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7077

Bathroom situation - 2 single-use rooms on the right just before you reach the hostess' stand [ed. damn, why's it gotta be a hostESS? Huh? Fuckin' better watch it with that chauvinist bullshit 'round here]. Guys, make sure you put the seat down when you're done, goddammit! How many times do you have to be told!?
Takes credit cards? - yeah, and btw why does Chase have the most pointless Rewards Points program out of all of them? These points don't do shit for you...like the Door Close button on an elevator.
Crowded on weekends? - shit, like Visceralist would know. Nobody goes to places with addresses on the weekends anymore. The fuck outta here with that bullshit...
Seating - 8-10 stools at the bar in front, 4 high-top tables in front too. A gang of biergarten-style tables in the wait-service area in back and a small outdoor backyard. Plenty to go around, so put your butt on something!!
Neighborhood - right in the midst of downtown Manhattan's restaurant supply store rainforest. Generally no problem catching a cab on Bowery tho, so no need for the machete [ed. smh, extending that metaphor was a nah-nah].
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, you'll likely find some Chads & Beckys here who breathed a sigh of relief when they read about Shepard Fairey's, like, fave spots in NYC, cuz it's like an official co-sign that, yes, they have been going to the right downtown "Spots" all these years. *fist bump*
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here, but holy hell, why didn't anyone ever tell Visceralist about this heavenly pilsner they call Radeberger?! Peace, Stella. You will always be forgotten.
What time people start showing up - dinnertime most nights....if it's a weekend night, they'll stick around til late night...if not, deuces.
Bartender efficiency - the dude here the other night was a bit ditsy, but otherwise reasonably apt. He accidentally knocked his iPod (aka the evening's DJ/Jukebox) on the ground, but it's a good thing most Apple products are totally shatter-resis...ohh...
Official Website - here. As NYC bar sites go, it's wayyyy ahead of the pack, but shit, is it really this hard for bars (or any company, really) to actually put some effort into its Web 2.0 presence? Web 3.0 is coming, kids, and it's 'bout to be a cold winter for some of y'all....#generalizedshotsfired.
Food? How late - some of us here at Visceralist were fed sauerkraut as kids in day-care (i.e. at roughly 6 years old). That shit'll stay with you...
TVs? What's on - one or two above the bar in front. Mostly showing Premiere League shit, which is so "Really?!" that it's as played-out and obvious as SNL's "Really?!" Weekend Update shit has become.
Guy:girl ratio - who really pays attention to this shit anymore....
Toys - they have a downstairs lounge area for private parties, but Yelp says that the Loreley staff stays droppin' the ball like Brett Favre's recently-became-a-grandfather ass when it comes to coordinating logistics for downstairs private parties, so beware.
Age of clientele - mostly the age that really [ed. REALLY] should be planning on voting in the upcoming midterms, but really [ed. REALLY] won't.
Space for dancing? - maybe downstairs? Not sure, they lost Visceralist's reservation...then! acted like Visceralist was at fault. Now, Visceralist was at fault, but you don't have to modulate your voice to the point where all our friends who were standing around can actually hear you explaining exactly how we Brett Favre'd that night up. Damn, couldn't you see that we were trying to get with that one chick in the scarf that night? Sheeit.
Music medium, style & volume - bartender's iPod (like the old one that holds like 250 gigs or whatever...damn, they still make those? Bartenders that have those, we mean).
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some kind of beer or something.

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Video: Yelawolf Live at Morrison Gallery

2010-10-12T21:29:00.002-04:00

10/11/10 - Fader 70 Release Party

Clandestino

2010-10-06T21:19:00.003-04:00

35 Canal St. (btw Essex & Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 475-5505

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex powda rooms in the back and to the right. One has a sliding door that is apparently super seriously difficult to lock [ed. apologies for bustin' in like that the other night...we didn't see anything we haven't seen before, promise].
Takes credit cards? - oui, bien sur, mon frere.
Crowded on weekends? - any chance the hipsters-in-basketball-jerseys thing will come back next summer now that the NYTimes has published an article about it? The $7 Visceralist recently spent on a Jordan 23 Wizards jersey really hopes so.
Seating - seats for days. Like, summer days. Like, if you can't find something here to hold your ass roughly 2.5-3.5 feet off the ground, you're just being a hater.
Neighborhood - the gentrifyin' part of Chinatown. FYI, the late-nite buses go every whicha-way 'round here...so make sure your phone has some GPS up in its guts.
Pretentious/assholes - if there are any fuckin' cunts here, they hide it like they're playing hide-n-seek in an old vacant lot and they chose the old broken-down fridge as their spot cuz their parents and/or school never showed them that one PSA video with the anthropomorphic bears.
Cost of Stella - $6...bottles only.
What time people start showing up - oh, and they will show up whenever. If you know someone who knows someone here, you can come by after all the other bars close...
Bartender efficiency - last time Visceralist was here, some asshole was buying drinks for us, so you'd have to ask his bitch-ass.
Official Website - here. Spartan, out-of-date, and considering this place is allegedly a wine bar, could seriously use a list of drinks on offer, but whatevers.
Food? How late - you saw how the Heat roasted the Pistons last night like they were some damn pigs on a spit?! Oooooh, it's finna be a hot winter.
TVs? What's on - deuces!
Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist has seen some dudes here in untucked button-ups so keep your guard up, ladies and don't fall for the okey-doke.
Toys - one of the bathrooms has a sliding door.
Age of clientele - the wise-beyond-their-years set. Now, Visceralist knows that phrase is usually some ol' bullshit that overweight and ugly writers latch onto when they're under deadline, but we actually really mean it...like rilly tho. Like forealdo.
Space for dancing? - not with all the seats, unfortch!
Music medium, style & volume - can't remember, but next time we're here, we'll record it on our iPhone's voice-recorder app and upload it here as an update [ed. now you know good and well you will never do that...why must you lie to these nice people so?]
Specials or most popular drink - something called the Clandestino Rose.

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Mulholland's

2010-09-30T21:57:00.002-04:00

312 Grand Street (btw Havemayer & Roebling)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 486-3473

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W in the back and downstairs, both of which are perfectly adequate. There is also, however, a semi-hidden single-person room at the top of the steps that's roomy as a smooth pair of sweatpants. Plus, because the door blends into the wall so seamlessly, it goes unnoticed and is often empty. Careful though, cuz the slot-sliding lock is as finicky as a kitten in an ill-fitting pumpkin costume. Just make sure to push the lock alllll the way in...and push it real good.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and if you're nice to the bartenders they may even see their way clear to "forget" that third pitcher, Drunky McGoo. Now get outta here and impress someone with your wit, you suave so-and-so, you!
Crowded on weekends? - depends on how late in the season it is and whether or not the Big Ten's been beastin' on 'em.
Seating - a whole heap o' seats. If you can't find a seat here, you have failed at life.
Neighborhood - the borderline between "scary" Wburg & hairy Wburg. Cuz this is real! Nah but really, if you're scared of the S. 1st - S6th area, you need to breath in deeply, step away from your Google Reader for a sec and then go fuck yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - a few Michigan fans in attendance here every now and then [ed. like they own the damn place], but it ain't that serious.
Cost of Stella - two field goal attempts, 8 arms up.
What time people start showing up - usually in time to catch the 3:30 game.
Bartender efficiency - mad competent to the break o' dawn. The highlight of this place is the bartenders' attentiveness. And plus! They're nice and personable, like we've heard Leonardo is in person.
Official Website - here. Clicking this link will take you to a site that has a clip-art pic of a coat-rack with a message that says "This site has stepped out for a bit." Pretty piss-poor, but the aforementioned bartender all-around awesomeness more than makes up for this brazen ball-droppin'.
Food? How late - dear god, yes. Upon first glance, the menu appears to be standard bar-food bullshit, but there's gold in them-thar hills, please believe it (believe it, please).
TVs? What's on - flat-screens for days. If you can't find the game you wanna see on one of the screens here, you misread the schedule on sports.yahoo.com, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - well, it's a sports bar, so you know...mostly super-cute mousy chicks.
Toys - clownin' on any Notre Dame fans that happen to be in the building.
Age of clientele - exactly 25-35 year olds.
Space for dancing? - no real dancing here, but no calls for flagrant celebrating either, so get. it. cah-rackin!
Music medium, style & volume - what's that song about how Michigan sucks at football? No, not that one, the other one. No...no, not those, those are great, but there's this other one...fuuuckkk. Hold on, lemme check Michipedia...
Specials or most popular drink - $10 pitchers of Bud or BudLight on gameday(s).

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73-20

2010-09-25T19:39:00.001-04:00

There is none iller.

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane - "The Appeal: Georgia's Most Wanted"

2010-09-23T19:04:00.003-04:00

Look at this fucking average piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Das Racist's new one "Sit Down, Man" is officially That New Hot Shit. Free download here.

Video: Lil Wayne "I'm Not a Human Being"

2010-09-17T17:14:00.003-04:00

"I'm Not a Human Being" EP drops 9/27 (Tunechi's bday!). Tracklist.

Interpol - "Say Hello to the Angels" (live)

2010-09-11T01:26:00.003-04:00

From the Music Hall of Williamsburg - 9/10/10

Lit Lounge

2010-09-10T17:21:00.003-04:00

93 2nd Ave (btw 5th & 6th)

New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7987

Bathroom situation - hold it in or go to Dempsey's down the street. Seriously, just..ugh. Fuck.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but do you really want your card sitting in the muck and the mire that accumulates on the counter-top here. Do you? Someone told us that that's how rubella got started back in the day [ed. damn, when was the last time you heard about some rubella?]
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and this is likely the main reason why this place reeks of sweat (among other similarly malodorous funks) 100% of the time. This place seriously must be fuckin' allergic to Glade Plug-ins.
Seating - the usual complement of chairs at the bar, a few tables in back and an egregiously out-of-place plush sofa downstairs. When Visceralist was here the other night there were 2 random dudes layin' out on the sofa like they were some damn maharishis and giving us the most laid-back mean mug we've seen this side of of a G-Dep video.
Neighborhood - smack-dab in the middle of what is likely the noisiest stretch of the East Village [ed. 'smack-dab?' really? is Heathcliff Huxtable ghostwriting this shit now?]
Pretentious/assholes - you know that thing where someone in a group of people a few feet away from you looks over at you, then looks back to their friends, rolls their eyes and laughs?
Cost of Stella - if you think for one single solitary minute that they clean their draft-to-keg tubes as regularly as they should, then I've got a 6 ft. tall invisible rabbit buddy to introduce you to [ed. OK, you've really gotta step up these references. The next category's entry had better reference something that's at least as current as the Obama administration.]
What time people start showing up - Beer o'clock! Now beer me that Smirnoff Ice so I can go Ice my brah.
Bartender efficiency - actually, not terrible. Just don't make hand-contact...and hold your glass/bottle with a napkin separating your dermis from anything his hand may have touched. The more you know!
Official Website - here. They have a list of "Bands Hoove Played" there. Yes, "hoove." Give to your local Parent-Teacher Association, people.
Food? How late - remember when they used to call puking "hurling" in the 90s...and then that sort of got sublimated into "erlin'" in the early '00s.
TVs? What's on - if they don't have the budget for toilet paper in the bathrooms or even a damn bottle of Pine Sol, why in the fuck would they have a TV going.
Guy:girl ratio - generally 50:50 and probably the only reason people still come here is that it does tend to attract a fair share of better-than-your-average looking young folk...talkin' 'bout their young stuff.
Toys - there's a stripper pole downstairs. Oh, also, they allegedly let people smoke whatever they please til whenever in the morning.
Age of clientele - too young to give a shit and/or know any better. Just remember kids, lust is fleeting, but those bumps'll come back every fall like the NBA.
Space for dancing? - jeah jeah jeah jeah. This is actually mostly what this place is known for. Kids stay gettin' it crackin' on the dance floor...downstairs and upstairs.
Music medium, style & volume - they have loud-as-omg bands downstairs every so often, but usually the music emanates from both the upstairs and downstairs DJ booths. Apparently, Telly from Kids and Johnny from the Wire spin on Saturday nights.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, it smells like foot funk mixed with skunk farts in here most of the time. Grimey as all hell. They should change their name from Lit Lounge to Grimey as A Bucket of Ballsack Lounge. SMH.

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Royale

2010-09-03T11:45:00.002-04:00

157 Avenue C

New York, NY 10009
(212) 254-6600

Bathroom situation - SMGDH. There's 1 M & 1 W single-person safe-deposit boxes just past the bar. Last time Visceralist was here (on a Friday nite), the line for the M was longer than the W's, and was even moving slower (no, like seriously). Several times, Visceralist said "Eff this ess" and went to the bar across the street, which turned out to be substantially quicker. And, the one time we decided to actually wait in line for the M, we wound up waiting for a solid 10 mins, knocking on the door several times to no avail. Gentlemen, just for your own reference, there is no reason you should ever in your whole worthless life spend more than 1.5 mins in a bar bathroom (unless you're smooshin' [ed. that term better stand the test of time]). Come to find that the culprit was a barback who actually spent that whole time trying unsuccessfully to fix the fucking terlit, which was now busted, thank you very much (and can you wait another minute?). Now, presumably this doesn't happen every single night of the week, but when it comes to bathrooms, once is way, way, way too many times.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, their site says no, and Visceralist doesn't really remember. In any event, they do have a fine assortment of $3 & $4 beers, so a card may not really be necessary, depending on how liquid your portfolio is.
Crowded on weekends?- the back-porch region is gullyrific (to be specific), so yeah, expect to do some shoulder-first walkin'.
Seating - Royale is a tiddly bit more restauranty than most bars in the area, so the seating (if you include the outdoor area in the back) is ample like Madea's bosom.
Neighborhood - the part of the EV that seems to be degentrifying of late, but is still mostly fine until like 1am-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was choppin' it up with a few dudes in the line for the restroom on a recent visit and, though they were most definitely some ol' "I like a wide variety of music...except for country & rap" type muhs, they seemed mostly harmless.
Cost of Stella - same price as what Visceralist paid for the new Interpol album (which is that new hot shit, btw)...plus $6.
What time people start showing up - when Visceralist arrived here at 11pm on the aforementioned Friday, it was already heaving like Martin Lawrence's bosom in those Big Momma's House movies.
Bartender efficiency - we spent most of our time in the wayyy back part of the porch area, and thus were restricted to wait-service. The waitress did a perfectly acceptable job of handling our relatively large group though, so we'll refrain from our usual bickering.
Official Website - here. The flash interface could use some bug-testing and the wholly unnecessary Links section has been "coming soon" for a while, but otherwise it's mad adequate.
Food? How late - so, Royale sometimes shows up in those "Best Burgers in NYC" lists, and we can see why (put any ol' bullshit on a brioche bun these days and you're a fucking contender). But honestly, you'd be better off just sticking with the liquid burgers (i.e. beer) [ed. ok, that joke doesn't work on any level...but hey, Lebron doesn't make every shot]
TVs? What's on - from their Yelp page: "We now have a 55" flat screen tv in the heated backyard showing all major sporting events daily. Come catch up with your favorite team!" So, that's a thing.
Guy:girl ratio - probably close to the male:female ratio in the infamous dinner scene in the Eddie Murphy version of "The Nutty Professor."
Toys - nothing to update your Facebook status about.
Age of clientele - remember that scene in Coming to America where Hakeem and Semi go out to a nightclub in Queens and they meet a bunch of different chicks and one of them is Arsenio in drag who says "I wanna tear you apart...and your friend too." Most of the folks here are roughly as old as those characters.
Space for dancing? - don't bother.
Music medium, style & volume - negligible.
Specials or most popular drink - in a perfect bar, Stellas would be $3/pint until 10pm and $5 thereafter. Also, there'd never be any bathroom lines (still can't believe that bullshit...). Royale is pleasant enough, but far from a perfect bar.

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Video: Interpol - "Barricade"

2010-08-27T20:18:00.001-04:00

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane ft. Swizz Beatz "Gucci Time"

2010-08-19T21:58:00.004-04:00

Beat is vaguely reminiscent of Swizz' "It's Me Bitches", but they still killt it...it's got dumb 808s and the taste of maple syrup baked right in. Gully juice.

Youtube link.

The Porch

2010-08-12T21:36:00.002-04:00

115 Ave. C (btw E. 7th & E. 8th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-1515

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex salons on the street level. Both with surprisingly and inappropriately fancy sinks. Kinda like a chick wearing "fuck-me" boots [ed. we here at Visceralist do not condone this term...cuz it's dumb played out...it's basically the Eat Pray Love of the footwear lexicon] to a bar in the meatpacking district and who also happens to have a great sense of humor (like, as in they appreciate the finest in British and American comedy) and an upbeat, nigh-on midwestern attitude. And does coke.
Takes credit cards? - nah, playboy. And Visceralist found out the hard way when we bought a drink for ourselves and a buddy and flashed the Buffalo Wild Wings MasterCard like "Can we start a tab?", and the bartender was like, "Whoa, whoa whoa..." More on this later.
Crowded on weekends?- Visceralist has only been here during the workaday live-long week, so not sure. Commenters?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a few cushioned table setups in the back. Porch's other claim to fame is having a large outdoor area with only the finest in wooden seating. Seriously, they have like a gazebo and suchlike. Plus there's an upstairs area with a fireplace and its own patio...or "porch" if you will. The upstairs area is open as erratically as the Yankee Doodle was in its depressing last year tho...shame.
Neighborhood - unfortunately, NYC seems to be gettin a little bit more brolic lately...as in, yeah, you might get accosted by someone swinging a bike chain, eye-fucking you and telling you to "Say something....Say something!". Eghk. The scary-alphabet-city thing has been done, dude. What's next? Fannypacks and slap-bracelets? The fuck outta here with all that there...
Pretentious/assholes - surprisingly, not much of an issue.
Cost of Stella -$6.
What time people start showing up- mostly on the weekends, but even that seems iffy. Come on by and pull up a seat, dammit.
Bartender efficiency - ok, so as mentioned above, Visceralist is told by the bartender that they don't take credit cards. Fine. Bartender says there's an atm right behind Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist turns around and gets fucked by out-of-network ATM fees. Fine. Visceralist turns back around and hands bartender a Jackson to pay for drinks. Fine. Bartender gives someone else change and blanks on Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist points out that bartender owes him some paypa. Fine. Bartender says "You didn't give me a $20." Ain't this about a bitch. Muthafucka, you just told me to go to the ATM, ATMs only give out $20s, I just paid for this drink. The fuck you think we paid with?! Visceralist insists he did pay with a $20. Bartender relents, but eye-rolls Visceralist back into the 1800s. Sheesh. NYC Bartenders...YOU ARE NOT SACROSANCT!
Official Website - here. Their menu is a 7MB pdf. SMMFH.
Food? How late - apparently something, but Visceralist was waiting for their 7Mb pdf menu to download...and then the Sun swallowed the Earth 5 billion years later and it was still downloading, so...
TVs? What's on- well, they have karaoke on Thurs nights, so, mostly white text against a blue background.
Guy:girl ratio - can you believe Don slept with his assistant and then a week or so later she's (apparently) all good with it? Fuck. The '60s were a muhfuh.
Toys- you could prolly bounce a basketball once or twice against the wood-grain in the back without getting kicked out.
Age of clientele - Jay-Z's like 45 years old now, but he's still the coolest muhfuh in NYC, so what does that tell you?
Space for dancing? - yeah, in the back.
Music medium, style & volume- Visceralist came here on a Karaoke night recently and there was way too much Bruce & "Come On Eileen" and really, we should start a start that's just about songs that should not be done via karaoke. Or maybe a twitter...commenters?
Specials or most popular drink - if you actually get accurate change back without having to make a scene, you're way ahead of Visceralist, so....what does that tell you?

Also, we looked up the word "Profligate" on dictionary.com before writing this, but never found a good spot to squeeze it in. Whatever, we still want credit. Maybe it's a good adjective to describe the triflin' bartender...we don't know. Commenters?

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Review: The Game - "Brake Lights"

2010-08-05T01:15:00.007-04:00

Since there's only 3 worthwhile songs on this mixtape, it's roughly 85% LATFWPOS. "You Are the Blood" is officially that new hot shit though, so...2 piece and the biscuit.

Get it here.

Savalas

2010-07-29T21:36:00.004-04:00

285 Bedford Ave (btw S 1st St. & Grand St.)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-5965

Bathroom situation - 3 or 4 unisex single-person units in the back with a communal sink. So, question-time commenters, when you see a guy & girl come out of one of the b-rooms together, do you think it's more likely they're doing coke or doing the pants-on-the-ground lambada (that's the forbidden dance)? Cuz they damn sure ain't doin both. Food for thought, but Visceralist gets annoyed either way.
Takes credit cards? - (Teddy Riley voice) Yep Yep.
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, the weekend is when this spot gets sweaty. The bouncers do a good job of keeping it from getting downright unruly, but "accidental" ass grabs will def be a must, trust.
Seating - this place prolly has one of the highest booth : square-foot ratios of any bar of its kind in the wburg diaspora. That said, you'll still have almost no chance of getting a seat at one unless your clique got there sometime that's not up in the between 11pm and 2am [ed. the grammar police just called in the grammar SWAT team after reading that sentence...smh].
Neighborhood - On the border between the tan-with-your-top-off part of Williamsburg and the clutch-your-pearls part of Williamsburg. That's a metaphor. No, but really...
Pretentious/assholes - the dance floor is usually pretty audacious (more on that later), so it seems like most folks here check their middle school insecurity at the door.
Cost of Stella -fuck, Visceralist got here at like 2am on a Saturday night recently (got a booth), but we're blanking. Prolly cuz we got here at like 2am on a Saturday night.
What time people start showing up- the Yelp reviews of this place are just *mwwwahh* in their would-be precociousness. Check out Vinci from the BX's review in particular. Reviews like this are why Visceralist started Visceralist.com.
Bartender efficiency - you'll def be waiting for a bit (even when the dance floor is jumpin) but just a bit.
Official Website - here. It asks you to visit their Facebook, but doesn't provide a link or re-direct. Might as well link to their fuckin Orkut page...
Food? How late - does water count? [ed. No, and you know it doesn't.] Cuz they have that at the sinks.
TVs? What's on- nope, so no bootleg Inception viewin' for you. Visceralist's mind was the scene of an orgasm, btw.
Guy:girl ratio - girls tend to get harassed on the dance floor here, but still come in droves, so what does that tell you...
Toys- you can smoke in the "porch" area out front.
Age of clientele - how old is too old, really? Kobe's 31 and Lord of the Fuckin Rings, so what does that tell you...
Space for dancing? - yeah, so this is really the only reason to come to this place. Best dance spot in the Burg-burg. Gully. Juice.
Music medium, style & volume- DJ'd and hip hop to the break of dawn, like come on now. That they're in Wburg and play hip-hop all night makes Savalas an oasis in a desert of bland garage-rock...like that shit's gonna come back. Fuck the fuck outta here with all that bougie...
Specials or most popular drink - Killa said he's heroin (pronounced "hair-ron") and sex in one...dope as fuck!

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Woodward Gallery

2010-07-22T20:46:00.007-04:00

133 Eldridge St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 966-3411

Many thanks to the fine folks at Artlog.com for inviting Visceralist to this year's Collect LES Gallery Crawl. We'll narrow the focus of this post to one of the host sites, Woodward Gallery, but purely for the sake of brevity. The venue could've used slightly more a/c and the free wine was on some Robert Mondavi Jr. stee, but the gallery-crawl maps they handed out doubled superbly as hand-fans (shouts out to card stock) and the free wine was free, so. The curating, though, was impeccable and Visceralist was especially drawn to the Duchamp x Haring stylings of LA II (Woodward's current exhibit "The Great Outdoors" closes this Saturday, so hustle over there, young'ns). Photos below.

Artlog.com Collect LES Art-Crawl

2010-07-20T20:48:00.004-04:00

This Thurrrsday!

From Artlog.com: The Artlog.com “Collect” events are private one‐night art open houses devoted to introducing new collectors and art lovers to art communities across NYC. Following events in Williamsburg, Soho and Dumbo, Collect LES is Artlog.com’s seventh Collect event and is expected to bring over a thousand art enthusiasts to experience the vibrant art community of the LES of Manhattan.

Collect LES is a 21+ event. Tickets are $20. The schedule is as follows:

Check-in: Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

6:30 - 8:30pm

Check-in at the New Museum, 235 Bowery Street

6:30 - 8:30pm

Check-in at Woodward Gallery, 133 Eldridge Street

Schedule

7:00 - 9:00pm

Complimentary access to the New Museum’s exhibitions

6:30 - 9:30pm

Gallery crawl to over 20 galleries

9:00 - 10:00pm

Happy Hour & After Party at Panda Bar

9:30 - 10:30pm

Happy Hour & After Party at Gallery Bar

Photo

White Slab Palace

2010-07-16T20:19:00.003-04:00

77 Delancey (btw Allen & Orchard)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-0193

Bathroom situation - immediately to your right when you enter you'll find 3 single-person closets and a communal sink. The one that Visceralist went into the other night only had the swanky urinal you see above, so we'll assume that the universal symbol for the male was on the door somewhere. In any event, if you find that you need to sit on something and ponder the vagaries of human nature [ed. we like to keep the fecal-talk to a minimum 'round here, so...], you may have to go into the closet with the dress-wearing image on the door (or they may have "Ladies" & "Gentlemen" placards on the doors here, we're a little fuzzy on this).
Takes credit cards? - no, which we'll grudgingly chalk up to WSP's current coming-of-age status. For now. Really, there's no reason for places in the LES to not take credit cards. Which, btw, Visceralist thinks we got roasted at Rosario's the other day. Commenters, what do you make of this: we ordered two slices, dude said the total was $7 (which is somewhat suspect, but ok, recession, whatever). We give dude a $20, he comes back and hands us $13 then immediately drops some change in the tip jug. Which made us think, "Wait, didn't this particular combination of slices usually cost $6.50 or $6-something before?" Is this a new thing? Tips is a must? Or is Visceralist just too busy recklessly eyeballin' some Summer-in-NYC spaghetti straps, and not paying attention to what's going on at the cash register? No shots either way...
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, and this is the odd thing. There's a dense encampment of folk that seem to congregate near the entrance on the weekends, which becomes a genuine NYC Clusterfuck. Granted, the bathrooms are near here, but still. There's a whole back room that no one seems to know about or acknowledge. SMH.
Seating - White Slab is deceptively spacious. The place is actually a normal-ish Scandinavian restaurant for brunch & dinner [ed. it transforms into full-on bar mode in the evenings, or at least close enough for Visceralist's purposes.], so there's a hamburger's helping of tables in the main room. 10-15 high-stools are at the bar. PLUS! There's an under-utilized back room which is just as wide-loady as the main room. For some reason they don't really go out of their way to point people in the direction of the back room, so ain't nothin goin on back there but the rent. Plus it seems slightly ominous for some reason.
Neighborhood - the section of the LES that's on a bit of a come-up lately. Casa Mescal is right around the corner and perennial Visceralist fave Chloe is but a block away. Note, however, that WSP on the side of Delancey that's difficult to catch a cab on [ed. prepositions ain't a must]. Opt for the north side if you really need to tip on outta there in a hurry.
Pretentious/assholes - Holy Moly. This is sorta to be expected at new LES hotspots, so it'll be another 9 months or so before WSP gets taken over by the khaki clique.
Cost of Stella -they don't get down, that's a no-go, ho. The bartender recommended a Radeberger as a replacement, but really now...no worries tho cuz Visceralist always keeps a green bottle of that "Stella...I love you" taped to the thigh for situations just such as this. We get it iiiinnnnn.
What time people start showing up- Visceralist was able to find a table for 2 in the main room at like 11pm on a recent Friday nite, but it was only through sheer luck. Extrapolate from that what you will and then add salt to taste.
Bartender efficiency - this place has actually managed to engender some of the most fervent bile on Yelp when it comes to the efficiency of service (for both food and drink) that Visceralist has seen in a while. From Visceralist's experience, this seems mostly apt. We'll leave it there.
Official Website - here. An abomination. Visceralist was actually considering cutting this place some slack until we saw their lazy & SMH-inducing site. In a move that rivals Lebron's "The Decision" in terms of audacious, oblivious triflin, they have the option of making reservations through the site with a deposit of $100 via Paypal. $100 - $1,500 that is. Just the unprecedented gall of this is truly gob-smacking. Not only that, the rest of their site is under fucking construction. Welp White Slab, like Homer said in the "Flaming Moe" epsiode, "You just lost yourself a customer!." To which Moe responded (over multiple cash-register ch-ching noises), "What was that?"
Food? How late - yes, this place is an allegedly-functioning "Scandinavian" restaurant (shouts out to Marcus Samuelsson). Uff da!
TVs? What's on- they were showing World Cup 2010 matches in the back room, but it was likely just a temporary thing. Shouts out to Vuvuzelas. Fuck what everyone else is going through, Visceralist wants them to catch on at NFL games this season.
Guy:girl ratio - are the t-shirts that are retrofitted to look like tank-tops really the hot shit in NYC this summer? Really? Oh word?
Toys- UC Lounge (down the street) got a pool table recently. Check that out.
Age of clientele - firmly 30s...which ain't bad actually cuz the LES needs spots that aren't overrun with the kind of youngsters who only appreciate slap-bracelets ironically cuz they weren't around when they were actually the hot shit.
Space for dancing? - 1,000 times no.
Music medium, style & volume- not sure cuz the crowd noise was actually louder. This place brings out the lout in people for some reason.
Specials or most popular drink - they don't have Stella here, so Visceralist heartily and joyously encourages flasks on the low-low.

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Wayne Ashes in a Damn Grammy

2010-07-09T21:09:00.001-04:00

Tunechi!

Lebron to MIA

2010-07-08T21:56:00.001-04:00

Look at these fuckin' bitch-made ass Bad Boy bitches.

Visceralist Review: Rick Ross ft. Kanye West - "Live Fast, Die Young"

2010-07-01T22:16:00.002-04:00

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

200 Orchard

2010-06-24T21:12:00.005-04:00

200 Orchard St. (btw Houston & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7000

Bathroom situation - two unisex minty-fresh WCs in the way back. They're actually kinda waka flocka roomy...like you might look around and feel uncomfortable cuz you're not used to having that much room to stretch and yaw back and forth. Welcome to the new NoLES, playboy!
Takes credit cards? - yes, but only plastic ones with embossed numbers on the front...and you gotta have your signature on the back. Of it. The credit card, that is. [ed. Visceralist's editor will be out of the office with limited access to email til later. If you have any complaints about Visceralist's trife-blogging in the interim, kill yoself.]
Crowded on weekends? - nah, right? This spot has slightly more space than it knows what to do with, so there's lots of room to walk around without getting fondled on the low-low by someone whose mom really did teach them better.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, a big ol' booth in the front room and 3 tables in the back part. Most of the stools at the bar are usually occupied, so if you're in the habit of going to bars not by yourself (what? like you never...), your best bet is the tables in the back. They're the kind that have high-chairs.
Neighborhood - across the street from racist-ass American Apparel, but don't hold that against 200. Pomades is a must.
Pretentious/assholes - A bunch of folk who look like they might, but you know they won't. 'evs. 'ver it.
Cost of Stella -$6 and served in a proper Stella glass like in those commercials they only show in the US during the World Cup (how bout that team USA, btw, eh? Eh?).
What time people start showing up - like Nevuary. Nobody rilly comes here. Like if they did a pie-chart of this place's crowd it would be a circle that's 100% filled in with one color, let's say red, and in the Legend for the pie chart it would tell you that red represents Nobody.
Bartender efficiency - two dudes working the bar last time Visceralist was here and we didn't have any complaints. Meh'vs.
Official Website - here. Web 2.0 compatible, but otherwise pretty basic. Which Visceralist excitedly and lucidly approves of, FWIWorth.
Food? How late - if this place has any gimmick, it's their $8 paninis. Visceralist didn't try one cuz the "kitchen" consists of a shelf with a cutting board and a panini grill right next to the bar (like right where everyone walks by it like). No shots, but Visceralist likes a little mystery in our food-prep, to be honest.
TVs? What's on - yeah, one big projector'd up screen right above the booth in the front and two smaller flatscreens above the bar. MLB was on last time Visceralist was there, which....eghk. All we're saying (other than the obvious shit like Baseball's boring like waiting on herpes test results....cuz, trust, you got it) is that any sport where you can play two full games in a row (this double-header business) is not the kind of sport that Visceralist can co-sign. You know what other sports do double and triple headers? Frisbee golf, pool at a bar, Tic-Tac-Toe, jerkin off last night...psshaw.
Guy:girl ratio - 60/40...Visceralist actually counted last time he was here, so take that.
Toys - you could prolly dance up on the tables in the back, like they do in the movie Coyote Ugly, which is a lot like they do at the actual Coyote Ugly (ugh, shiver just went down Visceralist's spinal regions).
Age of clientele - old enough to remember when The Simpsons was good (shots definitely fired).
Space for dancing? - fuckin hell, yeah. Plenty of room to jerk, juke, Dougie, do the wop, etc, etc.
Music medium, style & volume - yeah, bartender's iPhone (risky, playboy) was playing Motown's Greatest Hits for a while. Btw, Gucci just said he makes love to his money like Ray J & Kim K on some song on his new mixtape Mr. Zone 6. FTFW.
Specials or most popular drink - nathan to speak of, but they do serve food til 3:30 which is something of a rarity 'round these here parts.
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Excuse the Duffle

2010-06-24T20:12:00.003-04:00

Sean Garret ft. Nicki Minaj - "Get It All"

The "Stick-shift the dingaling" reference gets remixed like whoa...

FSMMFH

2010-06-24T00:40:00.003-04:00

You may not be able to read the word btw "MY" and "HELPED" in the ad above the doors in the photo above, but it reads "MCNY", which is presumably an accredited & licensed college associated w/ the CUNY system. Still...the comma btw "IMPOSSIBLE" and "POSSIBLE"? SMDH.

Lord of the Rings

2010-06-18T22:02:00.002-04:00

Chloe Redux

2010-06-09T22:56:00.003-04:00

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-0067
Now that Visceralist has actually been to Chloe, we thought it only fair that we write a slightly more accurate review than this one. Enjoy this!

Bathroom situation - two unisex units just past the bar (1 M, 1 F). They're about as tiny as David Geffen's hopes of getting Lebron to play for the Clippers, but certainly serviceable. Fancy faucets plus the paper towels are laying in stacks on the counter next to the sink...which, if this spot and Death & Company are to be believed, is "classy." No real complaints here, honestly.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $30 min. So, if you plan on having more than 2 drinks, you'll likely make it.
Crowded on weekends? - damn, playboy. Fuck what you heard, they keep this place sparse and downright dearthy. When Visceralist came here with a friend for said friend's bday party, we were stopped by the bouncer at the door and told to wait to the left after we gave the right name. Said bouncer then patched into his earpiece Matrix-style and spake thusly (ver batim), "Yeah, two guys here for xyz's party. Both wearing t-shirts and jeans. Yeah, they look arright. Two minutes? Ok..." Then, to us, "OK, guys, just a minute...and you'll have to take off the baseball cap, Visceralist." Roughly 2 minutes later, Visceralist and co. were eye-rolling our way up in that ho.
Seating - 4 or 5 stools at the bar, but a gang of booth area. This place is actually compact than a muh, but as we've discussed, the door policy is mad triflin', so there's usually no problem finding a cushioned something-or-other somewhere.
Neighborhood - the SoDe section of Ludlow has allegedly been on the come-up for a while now, but Visceralist still doesn't see anything but a few patches of blue water in a sea of BP. [ed. lucky for you, that reference will probably age well.]
Pretentious/assholes - granted, the bday girl throwing the party here the other night moved to NYC from the Mountain Time Zone but a few months ago, and so probably didn't know any better when choosing this place...but still and all, Visceralist managed to have some half-decent conversations and didn't encounter anyone in the line for the men's room talking about "Texas Rules." So, urrm...shit, this review is already emotionally draining...
Cost of Stella -Stella is actually one of the 2 or 3 beers on tap here. Still, they managed to trife it up. She was served in an 8 oz glass for $8...FSMFH.
What time people start showing up - this is the thing about this joint. The bouncers keep the place at only 50-ish% capacity all night. For what tho? Granted, Visceralist wasn't complaining about the relative lack of bathroom lines, but still. You have a rep for being exclusive, but then your revered chosen few walk in and are confronted with a half-empty closet the size of Schiller's restroom and thinking to themselves (Michael Bluth voice) "I've made a huge mistake..."
Bartender efficiency - owing to the aforementioned lack of capacity, you'll rarely have to wait more than a "New York Minute" for a drink. Kinda doesn't mean much tho if there's no struggle, ya know...?
Official Website - here. SMH-worthy.
Food? How late - they do have a full dinner menu on their site, but for what?
TVs? What's on - do not come here if you plan on making obvious, played-out jokes about the Shake Weight when the ad for it randomly pops up. [ed. Damn, calling out people for Shake Weight jokes? Have you read some of your stuff lately?]
Guy:girl ratio - The bouncers work very hard to keep this 50:50. The bouncers do an OK job of this.
Toys - conversation about how hard it is to get into this place will only last so long, so you'd better stock up on some Shake Weight jokes or something before you head in, cuz conversating is all they got here.
Age of clientele - the lighting in here was pretty dim and thus forgiving of folks' wrinkles and receding hairlines [ed. And you didn't love this place?!] , so it's hard to say.
Space for dancing? - yeah, one of the few benefits of a continual 50% capacity status.
Music medium, style & volume - do you love early-90's hits such as "I Love it When You Call Me Big Poppa" & "I Got a Man, I'm Not Trying to Hear That, See?" and suchlike?AND, do you hate all other kinds of music from any other era? Yeah? Ok then, you're all set. In fact, why are you not here right now?
Specials or most popular drink - beers served in 8oz glasses. Possibly other stuff, but if you're still here after finding out about the 8oz glass beer situation...AND you're the one paying (Visceralist dodged that bullet, ftw), then we need to talk about the huge mistakes you've made in life. Get at Visceralist in the comments.
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Visceralist Review: Drake - "Thank Me Later"

2010-06-03T21:35:00.002-04:00

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

The End

2010-05-29T01:43:00.005-04:00

I got the feelin'...tonight's the night, like Betty White, and I'm chillin.

Visceralist Review: Kanye West - "Power"

2010-05-29T00:18:00.003-04:00

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

UC Lounge

2010-05-28T00:31:00.003-04:00

87 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-1100
This review kinda shadows Visceralist's earlier review of 87 Lounge, but they've since done a renovation/remix, so why not.

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex cuts. One is perfectly visible & accessible straight ahead and to the back. The other one is in the way-back of the auxiliary room/performance space. When the downstairs area is open (weekends, usually) there are two more down there. Have to say, they've cleaned up their act since the 87 Lounge days, but they're still maybe one step above LES dive status.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $20 min.
Crowded on weekends? - depends on what you really consider a weekend to be all about. [ed. WTF...are you writing this review on Xanax?] Nah, just going through some shit....[ed. SMH]
Seating - 1 conspicuous booth in the front window, 10ish stools along the main bar and the same spread of couches in the side room that they had when it was 87.
Neighborhood - a parking lot takes up most of this block's acreage, so it doesn't get much foot traffic. Still it's close to Delancey where catching a cab is usually no problem. Even if you're going to BK (i.e., when the cabbie rolls down the window and yells "Where to?" before he picks you up [ed. which is illegal, btw], you don't necessarily have to say "Williamsburg...the good part, the good part." Though it won't hurt).
Pretentious/assholes - kinda, mane. Though there usually aren't enough people here to form an a-hole critical mass.
Cost of Stella -$6 on tap, and they have those regulation Stella glasses.
What time people start showing up - ....if people show up, more like.
Bartender efficiency - last time Visceralist was here, the bartender was straight gettin' punked by some button-up Aleksey Vayner-types, but he was still surprisingly magnanimous about it. Stella glasses then came across certain foreheads in Visceralist's daydream, but the reality was way more boring.
Official Website - here. Way better than 87's, but Flash-heavy and seems kinda sparse. Full disclosure, Visceralist actually likes the new setup of the bar in general and the staff too, so we'll just say that there's room for improvement here.
Food? How late - nathan.
TVs? What's on - Sports McGorts. For when you finally have nothing human to connect with anymore....
Guy:girl ratio - If we're rounding up, prolly like 100:0.
Toys - judging by the button-ups that were here recently, making fun of the bartender for being poor seems to be the predominant pastime. Fsmfh...
Age of clientele - late 20s.
Space for dancing? - yes, the aforementioned auxiliary room has its cabaret license paperwork up to date and notarized.
Music medium, style & volume - in the dance-room, it's "WHAT'D YOU SAY?!" loud on the weekends. Could use more Gucci Mane, but Visceralist won't complain about some early 90's-era Death Row shit. OK, now Visceralist hates when other bloggers post song lyrics, but this Gucci soliloquy is too perfect:

I'm in the bank, makin' depo's
While y'all be gettin repo'd
I'm zero, zero, zero
Comma, zero after zero

My jewelry game sick
I think my jeweler need chemo
Wonder Woman bracelet on
But I'm no superhero

Cocky? Yes, I'm rockin this
Cuz ain't no body hot as this
So hot as hot lava get
And I'm not with that Midas shit(?)

Poppin' Cris'
Think that I need alcohol-anonymous
4-5 in the club,
I could kill a hippopotamus

Specials or most popular drink - buy-one-get-one from 6-10pm happy hour, which is a rarity in this hood. So write that down!
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Sleigh Bells

2010-05-20T21:36:00.002-04:00

...and it's all Gucci.

The Fix Been In

2010-05-13T22:57:00.003-04:00

Fuck what you're goin' through.

Painkiller

2010-05-12T22:51:00.003-04:00

49 Essex St (Btw Hester & Grand)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 777-8454

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W (both single-person) allll the way to the back. They're green-hued and papered with old-school, Greasers v. Socs era photos of half-naked Polynesians. Shouts out to breadfruit trees.
Takes credit cards? - whoa, whoa, slow down there Donald Trump (btw, what do you think his hair looks like when he gets out of the pool?). This is a fairly new establishment, so they can be excused for not having the infrastructure to handle 1s and 0s quite yet.
Crowded on weekends? - now this is the beauty part. They have a bouncer fella outside who will potentially keep you waiting in order to maintain the balance indoors (or to placate the fire code, who knows). BUT! He's actually pleasant, reasonable and totally competent about this. Due to this, the indoor population is always right where it needs to be. You know Visceralist loves to pop a lot of shit, but really we can't even squeeze a shit-talking vowel into this category. Who'd have thunk a bar on the LES could actually get this right? Consider Visceralist downright gobsmacked. Now, granted, you will likely have to wait outside for a bit (Visceralist's wait was 5-7 mins last Saturday), but if you're not averse to that and you're not in a big group, it's probably worth it.
Seating - not a tonne, but with the impeccable door policy, it's not really an issue. There are 8 or 9 stools at the bar, 3 two-person tables & 3 large booths in the back.
Neighborhood - still kinda the hinterlands of the LES, but Essex is fairly major, so catching a cab shouldn't be too much of a migraine.
Pretentious/assholes - as this place is fairly new, in the LES and has gotten some favorable press, it'll catch it's fair share of dudes who are willing to drop $100-$200 in a night to impress some new floozy (round here, they're known as mark-ass tricks that llike to trick off all their little trick-money). Nothing to really worry about though. The door policy seems to be pretty egalitarian as far as admitting the asshole-y and fly alike [ed. yes, Chloe, this is a sneak-diss].
Cost of Stella -the drink menu veers towards the cocktail direction (we'll get to that a little further down), so they only have a few beers here. No Stella, but Red Stripe was $6.
What time people start showing up - 'lebben.
Bartender efficiency - there was one comely young lady working the bar when Visceralist was there and she was definitely adept at eye-contact. She seemed a bit on the overly-effusive side, but that's to be expected with a new bar that'd love to be described as swanky. Whatever, she did her thing. They only had one cocktail waitress working the seated area in the back and she seemed a bit overextended...to the point where she forgot our Red Stripe order. However, once reminded, she got it to our table post-haste and didn't even charge. Still tippin' tho!!!
Official Website - even tho they're new, they should'a been had one by now, but it ain't. Visceralist has been getting the impression that some spots refrain from maintaining a web presence cuz they think it adds to their mystique. They may be right, but Visceralist respectfully disagrees with this particular strategem.
Food? How late - some of their drinks are actually served in a pineapple half (big shouts out to Lock, Stock..."You could fall in love with an Orangutan in there..."), but that's the closest you'll get.
TVs? What's on - no, so you'll have to head up the street to Boss Tweeds if you wanna watch the Cavs implode like whoa (cot damn, Bron, are you throwin' games now? SMH)
Guy:girl ratio - 50/50. Visceralist did witness that one of the booths the other night was fully inhabited by a wild pack of rapscallions in un-tucked button-ups (which likely wouldn't have been allowed inside any other small LES bar w/ a discerning bouncer, but hey...). But they were adequately balanced out with a flocka uterii.
Toys - bendy straws.
Age of clientele - firmly 20s it seemed. Again, this place is new, so it'll take a while before any sort of norm can be determined.
Space for dancing? - nah, you'll have to settle for the photos of hula-dancers on the walls in the bathrooms.
Music medium, style & volume - unobtrusive to say the least.
Specials or most popular drink - so this is their real draw. Authentic Tiki-Bar drinks. Visceralist's only other experience with tiki-bars is (obviously) Otto's Shrunken Head, so we have no real way of knowing if Painkiller keeps it real. Since every other aspect of this place is above average tho, let's just say they are. The focus here is cocktails served in large glasses, skull-shaped and otherwise. The menu is strictly visual, so they don't actually tell you what ingredients are in the drinks. Their eponymous drink tasted like a margarita made with rum instead of tequila and was delicious. We also tried the Zombie, which was a bit of an ordeal. It was essentially Barardi 151 tempered somewhat with some pineapple juice and it lit a fucking fuse. Now, Visceralist is all about the recent resurgence of the Zombie in pop culture (big shouts out to World War Z), but this shit was some straight voodoo no-no. Mamma say, mamma sa, ma ma-ku-sa. Still, we'll be back to try some more in the foreseeable future.
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Ava Lounge

2010-05-06T00:24:00.003-04:00

210 W. 55th St. (btw Broadway & 7th Ave)
New York, NY 10019
(212) 956-7020

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W to the right when you get off the elevator. Both are white-tiled and surprisingly immaculate. The men's has framed photos of "tasteful nudes" on the wall. Presumably, the women's has equally tasteful photos of like Steve Nash and/or Lance Armstrong from that one Gatorade ad campaign (shouts out to Los Suns, btw).
Takes credit cards? - avec plaisir. Yeah, that's the kinda faux-familiarity you'll have to have with the Romance Langs in order to fit in here. 8th grade French w/ that one cute-ish grad student FTW!
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist will be god-damned if we ever show up in midtown on a weekend, walking slowly behind the map-holders.
Seating - the main space has like 4 stools at the bar, but a number of tables in the main area. There's a room around the corner that has like 6 couches, which will fit a small going-away party nicely. They also have one of the flyest roofdecks in NYC here which, if you actually go up there during the summer months, will be downright transcendent [ed. shouts out to hyperbole.].
Neighborhood - the grip-in-the-money-clip part of Midtown West. Meh. If you're here, it's prolly for something that you can leave after 1 drink, so don't worry too much.
Pretentious/assholes - sheeeiiiit. Basically, everyone that comes here and likes it either went to Dartmouth or UVA.
Cost of Stella -$8....eight fucking dollars. In the bottle. Plus tip, playboy.
What time people start showing up - it's Midtown and it has a roofdeck...and, as of this writing, it's essentially summer. That means, like 5ish - 7ish, this place is a shit-show like the ending of that old movie "Freaks."
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist doesn't really like goin' ham on bartenders in general, cuz we know how shitty the gig can be. But holy moly, do the bartenders here give you the "Pssshhht!" + eye-roll like ev-a-ry day. Granted, we came through rockin' the fitted New Era and some Levi's, but still. Frustrating shit. Plus, management makes them dress like some straight skeezas for some reason.
Official Website - here. The photos are great, but the rest is downright rudimentary. The Menu section is "Coming Soon" which is some bullshit, cuz this place has been a going concern for at least 3 years. Guess they're focusing their ad budget on print ads in the NY Sun and Observer.
Food? How late - Duane Reade now sells "NYC Experience" packages at the registers that include tix to plays and gift certificates at Murray Hill restaurants and suchlike. That > Ava Lounge.
TVs? What's on - no, cuz they're classy. Meanwhile, how bout some shouts out for LOST for being on a roll like whoa now that we're in the Final-Season home stretch.
Guy:girl ratio - there's a Facebook group called "I'm Single - You're Gonna Have to be Pretty Amazing to Change That." To which Visceralist replies "SMH...The problem with young people today...."
Toys - playing hide-and-seek with the bouncer after you put your New Era fitted back on, after dude told you to take it off (cuz this place is classy, mind).
Age of clientele - gotta be like 35-45. Fuck.
Space for dancing? - not really. Chicks can't really dance in heels and guys in suits who are stopping by Ava after a long day at Lehman aren't really in the mood.
Music medium, style & volume - but for some reason they have a DJ setup in the main bar area. He was spinnin shit like "Rumpshaker" and "I Got the Feelin" last time Visceralist was there, so...
Specials or most popular drink - honestly...fuck this place.
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SMFH

2010-04-28T23:26:00.003-04:00

Waka Flocka Flame just got an iced-out Fozzie Bear cuz his catch-phrase is "Waka waka waka."

Jay-Z's brain just had a heart attack.

Full Circle Bar

2010-04-23T00:20:00.004-04:00

318 Grand St (btw Havemeyer & Marcy)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(347) 725-4588

Bathroom situation - one in the front room and one in the back room. Both unisex and both are surprisingly clean like whoa. I gotta stop to make water, Ms. Daisy!!!
Takes credit cards? - yeah, but make sure to bring a grip with you here cuz them skee-ball lanes will beckon your ass like whoa.
Crowded on weekends? - if it ain't league playoff finals or some shit then you'll be fine. Speaking of playoffs, fuck is up with the Cavs droppin game 3 in the Chi?! Fuck Noah and his dandruff.
Seating - the standard complement in the front bar and bleachers in the back, yo.
Neighborhood - it's in Wburg near Marcy ave, but it ain't that serious.
Pretentious/assholes - nah, everyone here was really helpful with explaining skee-ball rules, scoring and shit.
Cost of Stella -they had some deal on Miller Lite, so we didn't order any of that good-good, but their menu says it's $6 and 5.0% ABV.
What time people start showing up - is Ludlow St. really ground zero for STDs in NYC? Cuz Visceralist knows some fools out in Bushwick that wouldn't even know where to get a condom...let alone how to put one on properly...SMDH.
Bartender efficiency - two bartenders in front that know their way around a crowd of sycophants trying to get their attention. J/k, it never gets that crowded. Love the skee-ball panelling around the edges of the bar, tho.
Official Website - here. Totally adequate.
Food? How late - nah, but they do have a fucking extensive menu of all their drinks and shit on the site. Like seriously, down to the bottle opener.
TVs? What's on - yes, and for some reason showing b&w surveillance footage. May have been a viral promo for the new Splinter Cell game tho, not sure.
Guy:girl ratio - casual skee-ball seems to attract chicks like a Hot Chip/XX show at T5 or some shit. Btw, "Intro" may be one of the best hip hop beats of the past decade. Shouts out to Wait What.
Toys - Skeeball is a popular game. Lots of people play Skeeball. $1 will get you 9 balls at a swap.
Age of clientele - pretty sure the legal age requirement for skee-ball is like 9-14 in most counties in the US. So, here you'll mostly find people who were traumatized in one way or another during that period in their life.
Space for dancing? - victory dances only. There's technically enough room to bus' a c-walk here, but you'd just be confusing people. Save that for like S 4th and Havemeyer if you must.
Music medium, style & volume - how disappointing were both Drake & Nicki Minaj's debut singles from their new albums? Also, how thick are Antawn Jamison's eyebrows?
Specials or most popular drink - they don't appear to have a drink called The Skee Ball, which is just triflin'.
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Bron Doin' Work

2010-04-17T15:45:00.004-04:00

O Le' Do it

The Cove

2010-04-09T20:31:00.004-04:00

106 N 6th Street (btw Wythe & Berry)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(212) 599-5959

Bathroom situation - there're 4 unisex units downstairs with a shared sink. The area around the sink is grimey like a Perkins parking lot (what up, Ti-Ti!), but the bathrooms somehow manage to be worse. Reminiscent of the early days of that old One D at a Time blog by that chick who parlayed that into a gig at Jezebel. She still alive?
Takes credit cards? - yeah, with a $15 minimum.
Crowded on weekends? - they have a little alcove in front of the entrance which tends to draw a congregation, but it never gets too frothy indoors.
Seating - tons and tons. If you can't get a seat here, you are a grade-A, Cross Colours-wearing L to the O-SER. Visceralist, meanwhile, is one of the original playas from the himalayas. Write that down!
Neighborhood - you can see the East River from here, which is nice cuz that means the scenery is like mwah! wanna-hump-up-on-it gorgeous. Downside: hard to catch a cab here.
Pretentious/assholes - you'll find lots of folks here that have to wiggle to get into their jeans, but despite that, The Cove does seem to do a good bit of business with some fine young individuals.
Cost of Stella -5 dollars, muthafucka! They managed to crack the $6 Stella floor that for so long seemed so damned impregnable. That alone should warrant a trip.
What time people start showing up - this seems like the kind of place where people lurk around the corner, surveilling like the Jakes, just waitin for other people to show up before they walk in. That said, Visceralist showed up at around 2:30am recently and the place was whatever 2 notches down from "jumpin" would be.
Bartender efficiency - gotta give it up here. These mugs came through than a muh. Lot of good stuff going on here.
Official Website - Visceralist toyed around with the iPad today and thought it was slicker than your average...but still not sold. How we gonna get the new Gucci or Nicki mixtape on that shit? Oh, we gotta download it on our main computer and transfer? Oh word? On to the next one...
Food? How late -'the fuck outta here...
TVs? What's on - no, but they did have one of those laser-light discoball shits. The lights were green the other night so Visceralist felt like we were Neo in the Matrix after he realized he was The One. Then we start poppin shit with the tall, bald black dude and we got snapped back to reality (oh! there goes gravity).
Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist's favorite Mitch Hedberg joke: "I don't have a girlfriend...I just know someone who'd be really pissed if she heard me say that."
Toys - they do have like a pinball or some skee-ball shit off in the corner, but with the vibe here it's like they just have that so they know who to kick out.
Age of clientele - people nearing their early-to-mid 30s, but who still know who Waka Flocka Flame is.
Space for dancing? - yep yep. This spot is actually one of the best places to catch a dance move what Visceralist has dubbed the Hipster Git-Bizzy...which is basically a more peptic version of the Charlie Brown dance.
Music medium, style & volume - fuck yeah, you had to ask? They got DJs on the reg-ro with names like Dario Speedwagon and DJ Tikka Masala. Comewidditnow!
Specials or most popular drink - fuck, playboy...is LOST dropping the ball this season, or what?
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Best Rapper Alive

2010-04-03T04:10:00.001-04:00

She said she "stick shift the dingaling."

Nicki Minaj

2010-03-26T22:56:00.004-04:00

Most Entertaining Rapper Alive (that ain't currently in prison)?

Chloe

2010-03-23T23:29:00.004-04:00

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 667-0067

This marks Visceralist's first review of an NYC bar that we haven't been to yet. Not for lack of trying, mind. It's just that their door policy is wack than one of Denise Huxtable's Gordon Gartrelle knockoffs. SMH. Didn't matter if Visceralist went with our mans'n'em or a jumpoff, we got shut down like your office computer during Xmas break. Now, granted, it may not be fair to review a bar based mostly on assumptions, their website and Yelp reviews...but Visceralist thinks it's equally as unfair for a bar to turn people away for reasons that are specious at best and triflin at worst. That said...

Bathroom situation - apparently two solo unisex drop-spots in back. This place is wild cozy, so this probably suffices. This place somehow cultivated a rep last year of being the east side's Beatrice Inn. Now, generally, Visceralist avoids the whole "This The New" kerfuffle cuz it's stupid (case in point: everyone thought Scarlett Johansson was the business for a while...then Christina Hendricks came through on some Betty Boop shit), so we won't comment on the cool-cache aspect, but if we're to compare Chloe to Beatrice as goes their respective, shall we say (if we may put this delicately), tolerance for people doing coke in the restrooms...[ed. our counsel won't let us finish this sentence].
Takes credit cards? - Not to give Yelp too much credit, but they say this place takes credit cards, so we'll agree with that. For now.
Crowded on weekends? - the bouncers would have you believe it's Oh So Packed, but if we wanna deal with reality, then Bjork would have you believe it's Oh So Quiet.
Seating - based on their site there's exactly 5 stools at the bar an roughly 4-5 red faux-pleather booths against the opposite wall.
Neighborhood - the small of the back of the LES.
Pretentious/assholes - (drooling) DEAR GOD YES. We assume. Granted there are places on the LES that are quasi-secret and/or have a tough door policy (shouts out to The Back Room & Milk+Honey), but Chloe goes to the trouble of not only posting two bouncers right outside, but also maintaining a list policy that keeps folks just waiting around at all hours. Even regulars. This essentially functions as a "Hey, we're exclusive!" sign in neon-lights with a dude handing out flyers at the corner that read "If you're reading this, you will not get in to Chloe tonight. Kill yaself!" This doesn't necessarily mean that the people who get in are pricks, but it doesn't help their case.
Cost of Stella -if our defensiveness is at all accurate, prolly like $25-$30 a bottle.
What time people start showing up - no clue, so it's prolly worth pointing out where this place is exactly. The entrance is found down a random stairwell in the middle of the block, just south of UC Lounge (the old Lounge 87). If they're actually letting people in, there'll likely be a bouncer sticking out comme un sore thumb, ice-grillin you if you make eye-contact.
Bartender efficiency - we would say terrible, but this place is apparently rarely more than 75% full, so we'll say slightly-less-than-terrible.
Official Website - available in the intro. The photos on the main page are pretty, but the rest of the site is a big ol' stinky HTML 3.ugh fail. Stick with Yelp. Or Visceralist.
Food? How late -they have a surprisingly eclectic menu on their site, but considering the size of the place, the food is prolly prepared with matches, on top of a matchbox, on top of the chef's knee in a damn cubbyhole in the back. Shit. When was the last time you were in a cubbyhole?
TVs? What's on - prolly reruns of some President signing some historic health care legislation or some shit.
Guy:girl ratio - If any male humans actually get into this place, they prolly got that cheese, cheddar, mozzarella AND the provolone, so you know what the female humans will be doing [ed. this Choose Your Own Adventure review shit ends this week, btw]
Toys - some diamond-encrusted triflin.
Age of clientele - most people here are prolly familiar with Usher, but would have no idea why he now hangs out with that short white kid who looks like a broke Zac Efron.
Space for dancing? - oh fuck yeah...the sign up list for their weekly running-man-off is longer than Justin Beiber's androgynous hair.
Music medium, style & volume - prolly loud, prolly boring...Chloe, hit us up with an invite if you wanna prove us wrong!
Specials or most popular drink - a shot of comeuppance in the next life (fingers crossed).
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If You Ain't Doin' Time Like Gucci...

2010-03-19T01:25:00.003-04:00

Then you ain't doin' time.

(SMH at the flatscreen playing his "Lemonade" vid)

Bonus: JoaquinFlocker (pka Waka Flocka Flame) on Twitter.

Deep Visceralue Sea

2010-03-10T23:28:00.003-05:00

The fucking shark turned on a fucking oven. Then stood back and checked its watch. Then the pic above happened.

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Turkey's Nest Tavern

2010-03-04T22:42:00.003-05:00

94 Bedford Ave (btw N. 11 & 12)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 384-9774

Bathroom situation - 2 honeybuckets in the back, ostensibly 1 M and 1 F, but if we're being 1000%, then just pick one and get it how you get it, you undersmell? Yay AAAARREEEEAAAAAAAA!.
Takes credit cards? - no, but it almost feels like they're only doing this as some kind of long-term performance art project. Reality will kick in eventually, once they realize that Deitch only gives a what if you got that Yale MFA, sleepyhead. [ed. shouts out to Kehinde Wiley and his Puma-commissioned World Cup project, btw]
Crowded on weekends? - during the colder months, yes, but during the warmer months, no cuz cats mostly sneak in here, get a styrofoam cup of that good-good and keep it moving. McCarren park is right across the street, so...
Seating - a few flimsy tables in the front and the usual complement of stools at the bar...the tables are flimsy like the jackets people wear in LA in the winter. Like "Burrrrrrr....WTF is this, 50?!! OMFG....Thank god North Face makes windbreakers, phew!"
Neighborhood - near the Greenpoint/Williamsburg borderline, so residential-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - this place goes into sports-bar mode during college football/bball season, so if there are any midwesterners/southerners in WBurg during that time of year (shouts out to the Big Ten), don't be surprised if you bump into someone who will take a little spilled beer on their shirt as an actionable offense.
Cost of Stella - $6 and the clear plastic cup they serve it in comes gratis.
What time people start showing up - 'round 'bout when there's 1 or 2 fingers between the sun and the horizon, depending on the season.
Bartender efficiency - they have a couple goofballs working here (like seriously, something out of Duck Tales), but they got it where it counts. And they're plucky.
Official Website - nathan.
Food? How late -crushed ice prolly doesn't count as food, but it should be noted that they have a ton of this here.
TVs? What's on - usually something NCAA-related with some competitive 18-22 yr olds who get money under the table. Cash money, that is.
Guy:girl ratio - If you're like us here at Visceralist, you love it [ed. love it!] when people throw out stuff like "but my boyfriend was like..." in a conversation. Or like when you're reading a review of the newest Lost episode on The AV Club and all of a sudden in the middle of a paragraph you're reading stuff like "...but my wife's theory is that Jack is really the Smoke Monster, but also kind of Ben in a way, so you never know..." SMDH.
Toys - that new Buck Hunter shit that's like a Safari or some shit.
Age of clientele - can we talk about how Nicki Minaj is like 19 yrs old, but killin the rap game? Best female MC since Eve? Missy? Only thing is, her flow is like....seems like Wayne might be ghost-writing for her. Just a thought. Or...oh snap...vice versa?!
Space for dancing? - nah, but really...there's only so many ironic performances of David Brent's "duh-du-du-dunna-dunna" dance one can stand in one's Earthly lifetime.
Music medium, style & volume - fuck, not sure....prollly Phoenix or suchlike.
Specials or most popular drink - "You know what's in my styro-foam / What? / S-Y-R-UP! / That's my car, yup. / Vrooommm..." Young Tunechi c. 2007
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Waka Flocka Flame

2010-02-26T01:31:00.002-05:00

Don't you dare call him lyrical. He's too busy.

K&M Bar

2010-02-18T21:11:00.004-05:00

225 N. 8th St. (btw Roebling & Driggs)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 388-3088080808080808

Bathroom situation - two of them in the middle of the spot: one with a urinal, one without. They're a bit grimier than the rest of the bar (which is going for some kind of Boho meets SoHo slickness), but they're fully functional and non-deplorable. Don't try to sneak in for some quick anal with your gf/bf tho cuz there's usually a line for both BRs and they will chatroulette that if you make them wait [ed. shit, that better not be a fad...]
Takes credit cards? - no...you can buy men's socks at Duane Reade with a credit card tho.
Crowded on weekends? - Gucci mane has a song called "Stupid Wild" that goes "Stupid wild, super stupid wild, homie check my style." Now, Pitchfork hasn't reported that he wrote it about K&M on the weekend...but they also didn't report that he didn't write it about K&M on the weekends. Just asking questions.
Seating - a couple tables & bar stools in the front room and that's about it, Elizabeth. This place is designed for mingling and bumping into your next gf/bf that it won't work out with.
Neighborhood - the part of Williamsburg that doesn't give a shit if a Cavs/Nuggets game is on, or who wins (fuggin 'Melo).
Pretentious/assholes - (Sawyer voice) Hell yes. Eh, if you've even heard of this place, you're prolly a bit of an asshole anyway, so no worries. No one's gonna clown on the frames you got cuz Kid Cudi wore them in the "Pursuit of Happiness" video...to your face. Your fugly face, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist hasn't been here in a while, but we seem to remember that they only had Stella by the bottle. Matta fact...they may not have had any taps. Fuck. Commenters, wanna sponsor a fact-finding mission? Visceralist has a PayPal account. [ed. Quit lyin.] Visceralist can probably get a PayPal account.
What time people start showing up - bout an hour after their friend said they were showing up....so, sometime tomorrow (shouts out to Conan's Tonight Show potentially starting at 12:05am).
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist wanted to fill this space with an animated gif of a panda falling off a slide and landing on its head. No such gif exists, so you'll have to look at this and imagine the rest:

Official Website - here. It's a MySpace page, so make sure you've installed Microsoft Security Essentials before clicking the link (or just go right ahead if you're using a Mac).
Food? How late - Visceralist tried to sneak a cheeseburger in here under a winter coat once and the bouncer smelled it right away and smooshed it up against our chest before telling us that no food was allowed. Sucks too, cuz we were wearing our one cool shirt that night. [ed. Don't try to buy that shirt online, btw...Reason's customer service is the bullshit.]
TVs? What's on - they have a big screen onto which they project arthouse shit like "Fargo" and "Red vs. Blue" and suchlike.
Guy:girl ratio - Allegedly, "It ain't trickin if you got it." But really...even if you're paid...if you gotta buy every drink and every dinner and (even worse) your love-interest expects you to do as such all the time...is that really a life you wanna be living? Commenters, please...showlite!
Toys - um, bragging to people who haven't been here yet prolly counts, so...
Age of clientele - Visceralist has one 21 yr old friend who somehow has not only heard of, but already gotten bored of places we haven't even gotten let into yet. Even when we went there with a cute chick on a Wednesday night. Fuck...never get old.
Space for dancing? - (Dead Prez voice) Hell yeah. It's funny that this place gets so much love for having a great dancing area and mediocre - decent DJs when Supreme Trading is half a block away. Anyway, K&M's backroom is basically that scene from Saturday Night Fever (via Madonna's "Ray of Light" vid).
ID Check Procedure - [ed. rolls eyes]
Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist doesn't really remember, but according to Yelp, they play a lot of "hipster music" so we imagine it's mostly Bukowski poems set to Yoko Ono songs (her new shit).
Specials or most popular drink - if you have to ask, you've prolly never been cheated on.
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Brooklyn Public House

2010-02-10T17:43:00.003-05:00

247 Dekalb Ave (btw Clermont & Vanderbilt Aves)
Brooklyn, NY 11205
(347) 227-8976

Bathroom situation - two single-person rooms, one M, one F. Both are a fuckin notch or two too clean and nice for a Pub, which makes Visceralist a little nervous (which, in turn, makes it difficult for Visceralist to urinate...so it's like "concentrate, concentrate...think of that one Calvin & Hobbes strip where Hobbes tries to make Calvin have to pee in the middle of the night to get him back for some earlier diss"). You know how that go.
Takes credit cards? - it's easy as dick to run up a $100 tab for a party of 4, so they damn sure better take a Discover Card or two. There may be a minimum, but we here at Visceralist like to keep our evenings out nice and wasted (Gucci!), so we don't really recall.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but not so bad that you'll "accidentally" get pressed up against that friend of a friend you have a crush on on your way to the bathroom [ed. you're still sayin "crush"?! Goddamn...witchyo Power Ranger ass.]
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, 4 or 5 tables in the front part, and a bunch of booths & one big table running up the middle in the back. It's ample like Megan Mullaly (shouts out to Party Down season 2).
Neighborhood - Ft. Greene is still Visceralist's favorite BK hood, so you won't hear too much nonsense spilling out of our keyboard here. You will in the rest of the categories though.
Pretentious/assholes - Christine Z. wrote the following in her 1-star Yelp review of this place:

Thank you for trying to make my birthday not fun. Seriously, the waitresses here kept trying to make everyone sit down the whole night and kept regulating on everything we were doing. We brought 15 people there for some serious drinking and they just made everything so difficult.
Ever here of giving someone a shot on their birthday? No cause that would too difficult at this place.

This is the type of place where you would run into the cast of The Real World Brooklyn.

So clearly, most of the cunts(this word is not gender-specific, btw) that do wander in here don't come back.
Cost of Stella - that's $6 you'll never see again, but won't regret.
What time people start showing up - god, why do you people keep asking us all these damn questions?! God, can't we just do our own thing at home for a week or so? Is that so bad? Why you all up under us?!
Bartender efficiency - this is gonna sound like Visceralist is on the take (we wish) or that we know the owner, but the service here has never been a problem or an issue or a complaint or a "blerg" or a :-/ or anything like that there.
Official Website - here. It ain't the best thing since breath and it does have its food menus in .pdf format (which is idiotic, btw...just HTML that shit up), but it's cute enough and reasonably serviceable (just like the waitresses!).
Food? How late - basic pub food served past 12. Bangers and fish and mash and chips (not in that order...unless you order it like that. Now that's an order!).
TVs? What's on - nah, playboy...so don't roll up in here expecting to see Peep Show, or Little Britain or The InBetweeners or Mighty Boosh or Extras or any of that other sub-The Office (UK) bullshite.
Guy:girl ratio - this isn't really the kind of place where you meet someone new and hit it off and hit it raw. Most people here already knew the people that they came and left with. If you have any theories as to why this is (looking at you, Christine Z.), leave them in the comments.
Age of clientele - some people like to say that 40 is the new 30, but really 30 isn't even the new 30, so if you're in your 20s, you might feel a little in over your head. That's life!
Space for dancing? - getchyo crip-walkin ass outta here!
ID Check Procedure - if you actually get carded here, getchyo Pratt-studyin ass back down the block!
Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist is late on this, sure, but how hot is Snoop's "I Wanna Rock" beat? Gets us in the mood to get back to our science-droppin days and mark up that track like Kurt Cobain's inner-elbows (too soon?).
Specials or most popular drink - they got a gang of beers on tap, so even the most prudish, conservative imbiber can find something here to get drunk on and then hit on that chick that he knows his friend is kinda dating when said friend goes to the bathroom. The Robbery has been committed!
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Visceralost

2010-02-03T00:37:00.001-05:00

"Now how you like me now?"