Saturday, October 15, 2016

New Podcast

2 Episodes already in the can! Apologies for the audio weirdness. I promise that the next one will get better! Thanks!


Friday, September 11, 2015

The Johnson's

Bathroom situation - fuckin' hell it's been a while since we've gotten into this nonsense. Let's see if we still have the touch...we're all set up: 3 for $6 tall-boys of Bud Light, dance music blaring through the earbuds into my tinnitus (Jack U's "Where Are You Now" at the moment), and a brain full of shit-talkin' that's gots to gets out our head and onto the net. They have 2 bathrooms here. Both single-person. [ed. Oof]
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, yo. It's a lot bigger than it's LES counterpart, so it doesn't seem to get ugly, itchy, dirty crowded, which is nice, yo. Lots of over-the-shoulder looking around, then rejoining the conversation to be had here. 
Seating - plenty, and they have some weird hammock-like shit in the front. Hopefully misogyny isn't dripping over this next point, but: chicks be sitting in that for attention. There, we said it!
Neighborhood - to say this part of Bushwick is steady gentrifying is as boring as saying that Trump is gonna actually win the '16 thing. He fucking is actually gonna win! Fuck! I don't want that cut to win, but yo!
Pretentious/assholes - our boy that's a doctor spent like 45 mins talking to this crew of chicks on his own while we were surveilling from the distance cuz we be bitch made. They all had boyfriends or something.
Cost of Stella -as it was in 2013, it's still $6 in 2015, thank god. But like, it seems like it should be less here. They do have some random beer that's like $2 on Fridays, which is pretty dope, but it feels like there's still some kind of edge when it comes to that here.
What time people start showing up - ok, so we can accurately attest to this cuz our boy BoBo has starting doing this thing where he wants to go to hellafied spots early on the weekend. Having done it a few times, it is actually kinda dope cuz you can surveill the spot and bounce if it looks like it's gonna be a bunch of interlopin' nerdlingers all night. So give it a try.
Bartender efficiency -no complaints here. They had 2 of them running full steam during rush hour. Funny, we were with our boy born/raised in QNS, and he had no problem being a complete dick to the bartender. We here at Visceralist Inc. don't truck that tho, so. He wasn't with us.
Official Website - you can find it [ed. maybe we should X this line?]
The rest of the criteria -will be back next time. We just wanna celebrate that we fucking back, yo!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Thursday, April 25, 2013


21 Essex Street (btw Division & Rutgers)
New York, NY 10002
no phono

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person honey bucks in the back on the right. There’s one in the way-back that has a quasi-hidden sliding door. Charming pink decor in both, which we can only assume is an homage to Pink Panther-era King Killa. Suck it or not!
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is still deliciously new and, though it’s firmly ensconced in the LES, is still on some “you gotta know someone in the know to even know about this shit” shit. This’ll likely change come this summer, but fuck, it’ll be Summer in NYC - the time of year when frowns and grumpys run off to some corner of Queens to hibernate. Exposed dentals is a must.
Seating - a big ol’ booth in the front, 10ish stools along the bar and a Spades setup in the back.
Neighborhood - the only part of the LES left to develop, really. May have to walk uptown a bit to catch a late-night cab...unless you’re, you know...entitled. Or, even better, entittied. And white.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve had a few bolos roll up on us and start it up with us with that “Dude, i’m just trying to talk to you...” shit. Drunken bolo’s of NYC, here’s a thing: no one actually has to listen to you. You can’t get incensed when someone says to you, “Ok, we’re done here.” and turns back to the conversation they were having before you tsunami’d your way over here like it was all good. Go die somewhere.
Cost of Stella - not yet, but that’s not a “forever no” like the possibility of an Arrested Development feature film is (trust us, it’s really not a good idea anyway).
What time people start showing up - Cheers was always like the perfect amount of full at all times, right? Not sayin’. Just sayin’.
Bartender efficiency - fully decent. Because of the narrow nature of Beverly’s floorplan, there’s not much room around the bar, which cleverly, naturally reduces any crowding, eye-rolling, bumping or “Hey, why’d that singer-from-Korn-lookin’ suckfuck get his drink before me?” type of bullshit.
Official Website - here. A lot of it is still “coming soon” (GROAN!!!), but we still see what they did there...
Food? How late - they have art exhibits and shit here from time to time, which is something to “oh, nice” about.
TVs? What's on - this season of Mad Men’s focus on infidelity is a welcome change of pace and all, but can they at least for a second acknowledge that the triflin’-ass dirtbags of the 60’s knew of and engaged in positions other than missionary? Would it kill them to have a salad tossed or a tower Eiffeled?
Guy:girl ratio - real talk: how do the hot-ass tall chicks of NYC hear about all these swaggy new joints as soon as they open? Marketing is the easy answer, but there’s gotta be something more, right?
Toys - the ATM outside, which you’ll be headed to if you didn’t adequately prepare for the bartender’s 1-sentence speech that goes “Oh, sorry, we don’t take credit cards.” And that’s how you feed your joke a sentence, bitch! No charge.
Age of clientele - turning 30 is nothing. It’s 31 that’ll make you feel like you chose the wrong cup from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Space for dancing? - there is a little spot just past the end of the bar where you can go to show the chicks that you know more couplets from 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” than just “All I want for my birthday is a big-bootie ho.” Sing/Rap along! Awwwwww...
Music medium, style & volume - all types of ill shit.
Specials or most popular drink - not sure - hopefully the “Coming Soon” part of the Menu section on their site will tranform into “Free booze for trill-ass muthafuckas” at some point...keep checking back.