Friday, September 11, 2015

The Johnson's

Bathroom situation - fuckin' hell it's been a while since we've gotten into this nonsense. Let's see if we still have the touch...we're all set up: 3 for $6 tall-boys of Bud Light, dance music blaring through the earbuds into my tinnitus (Jack U's "Where Are You Now" at the moment), and a brain full of shit-talkin' that's gots to gets out our head and onto the net. They have 2 bathrooms here. Both single-person. [ed. Oof]
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, yo. It's a lot bigger than it's LES counterpart, so it doesn't seem to get ugly, itchy, dirty crowded, which is nice, yo. Lots of over-the-shoulder looking around, then rejoining the conversation to be had here. 
Seating - plenty, and they have some weird hammock-like shit in the front. Hopefully misogyny isn't dripping over this next point, but: chicks be sitting in that for attention. There, we said it!
Neighborhood - to say this part of Bushwick is steady gentrifying is as boring as saying that Trump is gonna actually win the '16 thing. He fucking is actually gonna win! Fuck! I don't want that cut to win, but yo!
Pretentious/assholes - our boy that's a doctor spent like 45 mins talking to this crew of chicks on his own while we were surveilling from the distance cuz we be bitch made. They all had boyfriends or something.
Cost of Stella -as it was in 2013, it's still $6 in 2015, thank god. But like, it seems like it should be less here. They do have some random beer that's like $2 on Fridays, which is pretty dope, but it feels like there's still some kind of edge when it comes to that here.
What time people start showing up - ok, so we can accurately attest to this cuz our boy BoBo has starting doing this thing where he wants to go to hellafied spots early on the weekend. Having done it a few times, it is actually kinda dope cuz you can surveill the spot and bounce if it looks like it's gonna be a bunch of interlopin' nerdlingers all night. So give it a try.
Bartender efficiency -no complaints here. They had 2 of them running full steam during rush hour. Funny, we were with our boy born/raised in QNS, and he had no problem being a complete dick to the bartender. We here at Visceralist Inc. don't truck that tho, so. He wasn't with us.
Official Website - you can find it [ed. maybe we should X this line?]
The rest of the criteria -will be back next time. We just wanna celebrate that we fucking back, yo!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Thursday, April 25, 2013


21 Essex Street (btw Division & Rutgers)
New York, NY 10002
no phono

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person honey bucks in the back on the right. There’s one in the way-back that has a quasi-hidden sliding door. Charming pink decor in both, which we can only assume is an homage to Pink Panther-era King Killa. Suck it or not!
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is still deliciously new and, though it’s firmly ensconced in the LES, is still on some “you gotta know someone in the know to even know about this shit” shit. This’ll likely change come this summer, but fuck, it’ll be Summer in NYC - the time of year when frowns and grumpys run off to some corner of Queens to hibernate. Exposed dentals is a must.
Seating - a big ol’ booth in the front, 10ish stools along the bar and a Spades setup in the back.
Neighborhood - the only part of the LES left to develop, really. May have to walk uptown a bit to catch a late-night cab...unless you’re, you know...entitled. Or, even better, entittied. And white.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve had a few bolos roll up on us and start it up with us with that “Dude, i’m just trying to talk to you...” shit. Drunken bolo’s of NYC, here’s a thing: no one actually has to listen to you. You can’t get incensed when someone says to you, “Ok, we’re done here.” and turns back to the conversation they were having before you tsunami’d your way over here like it was all good. Go die somewhere.
Cost of Stella - not yet, but that’s not a “forever no” like the possibility of an Arrested Development feature film is (trust us, it’s really not a good idea anyway).
What time people start showing up - Cheers was always like the perfect amount of full at all times, right? Not sayin’. Just sayin’.
Bartender efficiency - fully decent. Because of the narrow nature of Beverly’s floorplan, there’s not much room around the bar, which cleverly, naturally reduces any crowding, eye-rolling, bumping or “Hey, why’d that singer-from-Korn-lookin’ suckfuck get his drink before me?” type of bullshit.
Official Website - here. A lot of it is still “coming soon” (GROAN!!!), but we still see what they did there...
Food? How late - they have art exhibits and shit here from time to time, which is something to “oh, nice” about.
TVs? What's on - this season of Mad Men’s focus on infidelity is a welcome change of pace and all, but can they at least for a second acknowledge that the triflin’-ass dirtbags of the 60’s knew of and engaged in positions other than missionary? Would it kill them to have a salad tossed or a tower Eiffeled?
Guy:girl ratio - real talk: how do the hot-ass tall chicks of NYC hear about all these swaggy new joints as soon as they open? Marketing is the easy answer, but there’s gotta be something more, right?
Toys - the ATM outside, which you’ll be headed to if you didn’t adequately prepare for the bartender’s 1-sentence speech that goes “Oh, sorry, we don’t take credit cards.” And that’s how you feed your joke a sentence, bitch! No charge.
Age of clientele - turning 30 is nothing. It’s 31 that’ll make you feel like you chose the wrong cup from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Space for dancing? - there is a little spot just past the end of the bar where you can go to show the chicks that you know more couplets from 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” than just “All I want for my birthday is a big-bootie ho.” Sing/Rap along! Awwwwww...
Music medium, style & volume - all types of ill shit.
Specials or most popular drink - not sure - hopefully the “Coming Soon” part of the Menu section on their site will tranform into “Free booze for trill-ass muthafuckas” at some point...keep checking back. 

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Tender Trap

245 S. 1st St (btw Roebling & Havemeyer)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(347) 763-1825

Bathroom situation - there may be others, but we’ve only ever seen the one in the back corner on the left. Shit is bombed-out & depleted, but never seems to be much of a line, despite its proximity to the dance floor. And that’s even when it’s thick with booty-meat up in here, which is always and forevermore.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $20 min.
Crowded on weekends? - fuck a muckabuck, yes. Visceralist rolled by here on a recent Friday night and it was like packed like a live-action Keith Haring mural. And though we still wanted to bum rush up in there and get our shit all the way off cuz the spot is that serious, the other brodies in our crew at the time were all like, “Waah...don’t wunna...” Hs were S’d.
Seating - a couple booths up front and an exquisite dearth of stools near the bar. So if you’ve managed to get one, don’t turn your head too far to the left, cuz the next man’s gonna swerve right, yoink your seat and you’ll find your Fatty Arbuckle on the ground, wondering why you ever moved to NYC in the first damn place.
Neighborhood - don’t let the “S” in their address fool you, this is firmly in the “Yo! The Mouse Trap board game I ordered off eBay just came in! Can’t wait to get this up on the bookshelf!” part of Williamsburg.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve only been actually approached by (a) some chick in neon blue snowpants (w/ suspenders) & (b) some bolo who was all like, “Yo, you want some coke?” (possibly on some 21 Jump Street ish), but neither really annoyed us, so think we’re good.
Cost of Stella - they don’t have it on tap here, which is really the only drawback of this otherwise magical spot.
What time people start showing up - we recently showed up here after a late Saturday dinner at the nearby (and tasty d-liteful) Rye and it was dead for about the time it took us to take our seats and turn our heads to the left. Soon as they got back centered, it was fuckin' party time and it was official.
Bartender efficiency - the area around the bar is pretty narrow, which leads to some not so insignificant traffic jammin, but the bartenders know their business and go about it with some considerable aplomb. So tip them early and often, you...
Official Website - here. Phone number, email, address & hours. And that’s it. Just the way poppa likes it. Now come ‘ere...
Food? How late - booty meat. Served all night lawng.
TVs? What's on - if you don’t get the fuck with that bull...boy, if you came in here hoping to catch some episodes of the Larry Sanders Show on some ironic shit, then you need to just get all the way out of our fuckin’ sight by yesterday, fuck-o’clock. And fuck you too. And your breath stinks.
Guy:girl ratio - and this is why you come to the new set of cool bars in BK. Honestly, if your late-night plans include going to places where you can even see the Manhattan skyline, then you lost before you got started, B.
Toys - if one of you commenters could PayPal us here at Visceralist one of those new 4K TVs so we can finally play some goddamn Halo 4, that’d be great, just real great. Kthxbb.
Age of clientele - that part of your 20s when you can say “Eh, I’ll start focusing on my career next month...” and actually get away with it. Which hopefully extends into your 30s.
Space for dancing? - shit, where to start with this one? On the weekends they have the twerk team up on the bar, gettin’ it crackin’ like if the “Rumpshaker” video had a fuckin’ baby with 2 Chainz’ “Birthday” video.
Music medium, style & volume - any song that’s ever had the word “Booty” in the title and any of the songs that would come up if you put any of those first batch of songs as the seed song in your Pandora.
Specials or most popular drink - psh...dutty wine, prolly. Shit, just get your booty here.