Thursday, April 28, 2011

Midway Bar

272 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-1969

Bathroom situation
- 2 unisexes in the back and to the left. Pro tip: if you get super pee-shy cuz you know someone's outside, waiting on you to finish (and prolly talking shit about you on Twitter like "God damn, this idiot better not be taking a shit in there. #ruiningitforeveryone"), it can help to idly check Facebook on your smart phone or game out a few different basketball offensive plays in your head....there we go...
Takes credit cards? - yes, and btw, shouts out to getting Visa gift cards in the mail for your bday. #momsarethebest
Crowded on weekends? - so this place opened only a couple months ago and has pretty poor signage and Hipster Runoff hasn't yet come across any photos of any 'relevant' scenesters here to make fun of, so it should be fine for a while.
Seating - they have a pool table you could prolly lean up on...and also a bunch of bar stools and seats and all that normal bar shit that everyone knows about.
Neighborhood - literally on the border between North & South Wburg. Yellow cabs roll through the area often enough that hailing one can be harder than ripping open a condom wrapper, but definitely easier than putting one on properly. #fuckthisshit
Pretentious/assholes - since Trump has had a monopoly on this characteristic in NYC over the past few weeks and he'd prolly fly into a tasmanian devil-like frenzy of pearl-clutching at the mere suggestion that he set foot in here, there shouldn't be anything to worry about for a while.
Cost of Stella - commenters, remind us to steal one of those Stella-branded glasses next time we come across one, cuz we want one that we can keep at Visceralist HQ that we can adore and fuck and brag about. #stellasaprettybitch
What time people start showing up - late, because this place is prolly catching a lot of the nearby Clem's overflow.
Bartender efficiency - one of Visceralist's buddies recently got one of the bartender's phone numbers, which seemed like quite the coup at the time, but then kinda just went nowhere. #lackadaisical
Official Website - not yet, you guys. Granted, they're pretty new, but there's still no excuse for just not having a web presence at this point.
Food? How late - uff da, those "Texas-style BBQ Ribs" they had in the cafeteria here at Visceralist HQ today have been throwing a tantrum in our digestive system all afternoon. #andthataintcute
TVs? What's on - nope. Btw, commenters, is Treme any good? Worth investing in? We already got "Game of Thrones" and "The Killing" locked in and are pretty busy otherwise, so just wondering if we should bother cutting out showering/shaving to make time for it. #behonest
Guy:girl ratio - the decor here is similar enough to the nearby Turkey's Nest, so just think about the last time you were there and extrapolate accordingly.
Toys - so, is Trumps hair just an insanely extensive comb-over or (even worse?) a piece designed to look like a terrible comb-over? God, just imagine what kind of a mess he looks like getting out of the pool. Or don't.
Age of clientele - wait, what's the new 30? Is it 50 now? So what is 30? The new 18? What's that? Why are we asking? Don't worry about our lives, that's why.
Space for dancing? - don't you even dare.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a jukebox cuz they know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they're a thing that people still like.
Specials or most popular drink - Serious, you gotta remind us about that Stella glass thing. Leave a message in the comments with your email and we'll give you our mobile details.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011


35 Clinton St. (corner of Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-7733

Bathroom situation
- 3 single-person units in the downstairs and they are wet! "Wet" meaning the DMV slang that was a '07-'09 a stand-in for "tight", "ill", "swag",, not like the floors are covered in piss & snot or anything (what up, Cherry Tavern!).
Takes credit cards? - this is the kind of place where you should really know your credit score before throwing down a credit card, trying to look like a pre-'08 Madoff (or a post-Gwen Gavin) in order to impress a young such and such. Shit will catch up with you like a muh....but yeah, they take cards.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist was here at like 3am on a recent Friday night and it was kinda dead, but there was still the usual contingent of drunk high-heels dancing with each other and drunker townies [ed. not sure if that term works in NYC] trying to meet people outside if they were discouraged from grinding on said ladies. Tracie Egan, care to chime in here? [ed. in the comments would be great.]
Seating - 8 stools at the bar, 2 of those high tables you have to use stools at against the East window, and 3 or 4 long tables against the other windows. No joke here, so will just use this space to give some dap to The Weeknd. Fucking amazing debut mixtape. Industry bidding war is a given. Not giving any interviews (swag). Mark this date, Visceralist is officially calling this one.
Neighborhood - Clinton street is just as swanky as its (presumed) namesake, one William J. It has WD-50 and that one Bakery place that no one can ever get into.
Pretentious/assholes - yikes, this one's a tough call. Sure there's a fair number of folk who'll spend the night talking your ear off about that one bitch in their improv class that's just, really, no really, delusional. Ugh.
Cost of Stella - the standard $VI.
What time people start showing up - this place has flat-screens that show sports (Bulls FTW '11, write that down!), so like 8ish.
Bartender efficiency - so, Donnybrook is run by the same awesome folk that run Lucky Jacks.
Official Website - here. Flashin' like a muhfuh, but still totally effective.
Food? How late - fairly spartan, and loaded up with Irish stereotypes, but haven't seen any gas-faces here, so...
TVs? What's on - yes, hopefully showing D-Rose and the Rosetta Stones winning the Championship this year.
Guy:girl ratio - what's up with that one scene in "The 40-Year Old Virgin" where the crew of guys goes to a club and all of them score? Who is that helping? Tracie, chime in here again, please.
Toys - a surprisingly ample dance floor. Whatever happened to people using "The Watoosie" as a joke punchline, btw? So much comedic potential, kids, let's bring this one back. Tracie...
Age of clientele - people just a bit too old to have heard of The Weeknd (at least, as of today), but not too old to appreciate him if it comes on over the speakers.
Space for dancing? - minimal dance area near the bar on the weeknds.
Music medium, style & volume - Fuck, The Weeknd has seriously just sneaked in the best thing out of anything since Kanye's "MBDTF"..."Blue Valentine" notwithstanding.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a $12 cocktail menu that includes Caipirinhas...which is, like, the proverbial.

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Visceralist Review: The Weeknd - "House of Balloons"

Look at this fucking dope piece of hot shit. Free download here.