Beverly's

21 Essex Street (btw Division & Rutgers)

New York, NY 10002

no phono

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person honey bucks in the back on the right. There’s one in the way-back that has a quasi-hidden sliding door. Charming pink decor in both, which we can only assume is an homage to Pink Panther-era King Killa. Suck it or not!

Crowded on weekends? - this spot is still deliciously new and, though it’s firmly ensconced in the LES, is still on some “you gotta know someone in the know to even know about this shit” shit. This’ll likely change come this summer, but fuck, it’ll be Summer in NYC - the time of year when frowns and grumpys run off to some corner of Queens to hibernate. Exposed dentals is a must.

Seating - a big ol’ booth in the front, 10ish stools along the bar and a Spades setup in the back.

Neighborhood - the only part of the LES left to develop, really. May have to walk uptown a bit to catch a late-night cab...unless you’re, you know...entitled. Or, even better, entittied. And white.

Pretentious/assholes - we’ve had a few bolos roll up on us and start it up with us with that “Dude, i’m just trying to talk to you...” shit. Drunken bolo’s of NYC, here’s a thing: no one actually has to listen to you. You can’t get incensed when someone says to you, “Ok, we’re done here.” and turns back to the conversation they were having before you tsunami’d your way over here like it was all good. Go die somewhere.

Cost of Stella - not yet, but that’s not a “forever no” like the possibility of an Arrested Development feature film is (trust us, it’s really not a good idea anyway).

What time people start showing up - Cheers was always like the perfect amount of full at all times, right? Not sayin’. Just sayin’.

Bartender efficiency - fully decent. Because of the narrow nature of Beverly’s floorplan, there’s not much room around the bar, which cleverly, naturally reduces any crowding, eye-rolling, bumping or “Hey, why’d that singer-from-Korn-lookin’ suckfuck get his drink before me?” type of bullshit.

Official Website - here. A lot of it is still “coming soon” (GROAN!!!), but we still see what they did there...

Food? How late - they have art exhibits and shit here from time to time, which is something to “oh, nice” about.

TVs? What's on - this season of Mad Men’s focus on infidelity is a welcome change of pace and all, but can they at least for a second acknowledge that the triflin’-ass dirtbags of the 60’s knew of and engaged in positions other than missionary? Would it kill them to have a salad tossed or a tower Eiffeled?

Guy:girl ratio - real talk: how do the hot-ass tall chicks of NYC hear about all these swaggy new joints as soon as they open? Marketing is the easy answer, but there’s gotta be something more, right?

Toys - the ATM outside, which you’ll be headed to if you didn’t adequately prepare for the bartender’s 1-sentence speech that goes “Oh, sorry, we don’t take credit cards.” And that’s how you feed your joke a sentence, bitch! No charge.

Age of clientele - turning 30 is nothing. It’s 31 that’ll make you feel like you chose the wrong cup from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Space for dancing? - there is a little spot just past the end of the bar where you can go to show the chicks that you know more couplets from 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” than just “All I want for my birthday is a big-bootie ho.” Sing/Rap along! Awwwwww...

Music medium, style & volume - all types of ill shit.

Specials or most popular drink - not sure - hopefully the “Coming Soon” part of the Menu section on their site will tranform into “Free booze for trill-ass muthafuckas” at some point...keep checking back. 

Tandem

236 Troutman (btw Wilson & Knickerbocker Aves)

Brooklyn, NY 11237

(718) 386-2369

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person WCs in the hallway between the main front space and the back fun space. Much like the terrible Schillers, they have a shared sink in the bathroom area. And yeah, it probably seems random that we’d just reach out there like Mr. Fantastic to slap Schiller’s in their triflin’ mouth for no apparent reason, but trust us, there’s a reason. Email us for details. 
Takes credit cards? - oh yes they did do it. Speaking of which, a friend of Visceralist’s who is really a friend that exists and has a girlfriend on twitter and a Nigerian trust fund and all those normal things that people have when they’re real and you’ve had brunch with them and stuff. So, anyway, this friend was wondering how one would go about checking their credit report score cuz they never have before and apparently (according to their real words that they spoke in person) they want to apply for a new job and they heard that employers be checkin’ on that shit now. Commenters, help us out?
Crowded on weekends? - so even tho this place has been around for over a year, it’s just recently cropped up on Visceralist’s radar, which means that the cool kids are finishing up with it, which means that the bolo hordes will be here ad nauseum come summer 2013.
Seating - so this spot is a restaurant during those useless, boring hours before party time, so they have a bunch of tables and chairs in front. There’s a random side room just past the bathrooms as well for private parties and suchlike.
Neighborhood - the part of Bushwick that thinks it’s on that new hot shit, but apparently forgot to think about the fact that Bed-Stuy is where the new hot shit really been occurring at lately.
Pretentious/assholes - not at first blush, but we’ve already heard reports of people’s coats getting jacked the fuck out the backroom. Granted, it’s foolish to just toss your coat up against the wall and expect the honor system to have its foot on the night’s neck, but if you’re still stealing coats in Obama’s America, you are officially an asshole, yes.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was buying for the crew for some reason last time we were here, so we were on all-PBR-everything status in a very real way.
What time people start showing up - STOP EVERYTHING: someone(s) on the internet is stupid: the Illuminati fixation? If they exist and they’re as powerful as y’all straw-men say, then what is your JPG-zoomin’ YouTube clip gonna do about it? Raise awareness? Awareness has had its feet up on the coffee table for the past forever, man. Real orgs that exist like City Harvest could really use your time & energy too, man.
Bartender efficiency - top-notch, no qualifiers.
Official Website - here. We had to update Adobe Reader on the Visceralist HQ Hal 2000 in order to check out their menu, which was decidedly unworth it. That’s a check-minus, Tandem.  
Food? How late - if a quick perusal of Tandem’s Yelp reviews are to be believed, the brunch here is on point like calming, late-night hugs from momma. Visceralist hasn’t woken up in time for brunch since we were getting calming, late-night hugs from momma, so we can’t really offer up an opinion on this one.
TVs? What's on - it is kinda interesting how having even a single flat-screen in a bar can change the vibe from easy, late-80s r&b cool into a head-slapping, late-80s, Zach Morris Cuntachella. Anyway, this place doesn’t have any.
Guy:girl ratio - pretty even. Which, btw, commenters, what’s up with that revelation in Ep 8 of House of Cards? The way they downplayed it, hmmm....
Toys - as mentioned above, the bathroom has a communal sink which, if you’re charismatic enough, could be turned into a funny, meet-cute splash party scene from like an early ‘00s Bollywood movie. Just sayin’!
Age of clientele - mostly those that are just sipping gingerly on their 30s.
Space for dancing? - fuck, yo. So this is where Tandem really comes out to play. The backroom dance party is what makes the considerable trip out to this spot worthwhile. 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” has never sounded so ill. Plus they have laser lights like that MJ “Rock With You” vid.
Music medium, style & volume - see above.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, this place is gonna blow up this summer, just remember where you heard it first.

Video: Rudimental - "Not Giving In"

This shit goes, yun.

Slangin!

Ever feel like your friends are done with you because they've started making inside jokes that you don't really get? It was all good just a week ago, everyone was clownin' on Jeff's triflin' ass. Suddenly though, you're asking "Wait, what...?" a little bit more often than everyone else, and your bombs just ain't landing like they used to. It's all good though, you just ain't quite up on that new shit like you used to be back in your 20's. It happens to all of us.  The Visceralist is here to put you up on that new slang shit right quick like right here, right now.

Cysing: Primarily used as a verb to describe when one is dubiously excited or innervated by a person/place/thing that wouldn't or shouldn't generally warrant such excitement. Example: "Remember when everyone was cysing mo farah?"

Derivation: dmv slang courtesy of the hot fiyastarters
 

Ending a tweet with a ?: Used to express comical confusion by use in conjunction with an otherwise normal statement. 

Example: "Seems like Michelle Obama's doing pretty well these days?" 

Derivation: probably dadboner

Read the rest at Put That Shit On the List... 

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Video: Sigur Ros "Varuo"

Video: King Pogo "Lead Breakfast"

Visceralist Review: King Ricky - "Derek"

Look at this fucking brilliant piece of surprisingly affecting shit.

Visceralist Review: The Kickdrums ' "Follow the Leaders"

Look at this fucking new piece of hot shit.

Download here.

Video: Nacho Picasso & Blue Sky Black Death - "Rammin"

4 Sale: PTSOTL T-Shirts

The fine folks at (Visceralist fave) Put That Shit On The List are selling the fine branded t-shirts you see here. Reasonable rates! Click here and get you one. 

One Mile House

10 Delancey St. (btw Chrystie & Bowery)

LES, NY 10002
(646) 559-0702

Bathroom situation - one just past the bar on the right and (we believe) a few downstairs...yeah, there must be some there cuz this place is kind of a restaurant with an outdoor area, so they couldn't very well have just one bathroom and certainly not just one that you have to walk through the kitchen to get to, now could they Graffiti? E. Coli may be gluten-free, but it damn sure ain't sexy.
Takes credit cards? - Visceralist is strictly liquid these days, so we didn't put this one on the corporate Black Amex last time we came to partake. They do have the requisite machinery for all that there tho, so
Crowded on weekends? - despite being situated directly "knock-knock-knock-Penny" next door to Bowery Ballroom, it doesn't seem to be getting nearly as much pub as shut-down-in-a-month abominations like Ludlow Manor. Which is nice for now, but this place is gonna blow up the fuck when the weather gets warm again, Visceralist is officially calling it. Just like we're officially calling the SuperBowl in favor of Tom Brady's hairplugs.
Seating - 8-ish seats on both sides of the bar, with scattered stool-tables in front. Regular restaurant-style tables in back. Outdoor seating when the mosquitos and 7pm sunshine come out to play.
Neighborhood - not quite Soho (thank god) and not quite LES, so like a biracial kid from a single-parent home, but who was raised in the suburbs somehow.
Pretentious/assholes - OMH doesn't seem to have the Feng Shui to engender European-style "Hey, let's just talk just to talk, cuz we're all having fun and God, so not even thinking about hitting on each other, cuz men and women meeting at bars with no sexual tension in the air is a thing that exists."
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here - but randomly they've started product-placing it in Big Bang Theory episodes. One of the many reasons BBT is such a gem.
What time people start showing up - like many of you, Visceralist looked down upon BBT for a long time cuz it carried the stink of the justifiably-reviled 2.5 Men. But! It's actually funny, you guys. Visceralist can watch your Portlandia's and your Parks & Rec's and appreciate the skill behind the jokes there, but we're not bust-out laughing like we do at BBT. Bazinga!
Bartender efficiency - Sheldon...man, ain't been a sitcom character like him since like George Castanza or Susie from Curb or GOB Bluth.
Official Website - here. Basically just the menu.
Food? How late - So, yeah, so this place is actually a restaurant in a weird way, but with a weird bar menu. So they have frog legs for some reason. As mentioned above, Visceralist is strictly liquid of late, so we haven't eaten in a while, so commenters, you tell us.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist offices are now permanently tuned into Fox 5 at 7:30pm, then TBS from 8-11pm, then back to Fox 5 at 11pm. Ladies & Gentlemen, we are floating in space.
Guy:girl ratio - equanimity.
Toys - nope!
Age of clientele - skews older, but with the Bowery Ballroom booking the likes of Dinosaur Jr. reunions and suchlike lately, what do you expect, yun?
Space for dancing? - nope nope!
Music medium, style & volume - mostly 90's alt-rock for some reason. Like Bush's "Machine Head" and thereabouts.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a cocktail called "There's a Word for It In Spanish" - which sounds like a category we should add here on our bar reviews. Hecho!

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Video: Blue Sky Black Death & Nacho Picasso - "Naked Lunch"

From their "Lord of the Fly" mixtape. Free download here.

Pogo - "Jam"

Visceralist Review - "Drive" Movie & Soundtrack

Look at this fucking brilliant piece of insanity.

The Weeknd - "Thursday"

Look at this fucking new piece of hot shit.

Download here.

Video: The Weeknd "The Birds (Part 1)"

"Thursday" Mixtape (allegedly) coming soon.

Visceralist Review: The Weeknd - "House of Balloons"

Look at this fucking dope piece of hot shit. Free download here.

Kevin Hart is "Chocolate Drop"

NYC Happy New Year Dance

Best of 2010

Album: Kanye West - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"
Song: Sleigh Bells "Crown On The Ground"
Movie: Inception
TV: Breaking Bad
Book: Savages
New NYC Bar: Hotel Chantelle
Visceralist's Bathroom Experience: Cooper Square Hotel
Sports Event: The Decision
Book Review: NYTimes on Mark Twain's "Autobiography of Mark Twain: Volume 1"
Mobile App: Netflix
Art: Kehinde Wiley x 2010 World Cup
Gizmo: iPhone 4
Clothing: Reason