The Johnson's

Bathroom situation - fuckin' hell it's been a while since we've gotten into this nonsense. Let's see if we still have the touch...we're all set up: 3 for $6 tall-boys of Bud Light, dance music blaring through the earbuds into my tinnitus (Jack U's "Where Are You Now" at the moment), and a brain full of shit-talkin' that's gots to gets out our head and onto the net. They have 2 bathrooms here. Both single-person. [ed. Oof]

Crowded on weekends? - yeah, yo. It's a lot bigger than it's LES counterpart, so it doesn't seem to get ugly, itchy, dirty crowded, which is nice, yo. Lots of over-the-shoulder looking around, then rejoining the conversation to be had here. 

Seating - plenty, and they have some weird hammock-like shit in the front. Hopefully misogyny isn't dripping over this next point, but: chicks be sitting in that for attention. There, we said it!

Neighborhood - to say this part of Bushwick is steady gentrifying is as boring as saying that Trump is gonna actually win the '16 thing. He fucking is actually gonna win! Fuck! I don't want that cut to win, but yo!

Pretentious/assholes - our boy that's a doctor spent like 45 mins talking to this crew of chicks on his own while we were surveilling from the distance cuz we be bitch made. They all had boyfriends or something.

Cost of Stella -as it was in 2013, it's still $6 in 2015, thank god. But like, it seems like it should be less here. They do have some random beer that's like $2 on Fridays, which is pretty dope, but it feels like there's still some kind of edge when it comes to that here.

What time people start showing up - ok, so we can accurately attest to this cuz our boy BoBo has starting doing this thing where he wants to go to hellafied spots early on the weekend. Having done it a few times, it is actually kinda dope cuz you can surveill the spot and bounce if it looks like it's gonna be a bunch of interlopin' nerdlingers all night. So give it a try.

Bartender efficiency -no complaints here. They had 2 of them running full steam during rush hour. Funny, we were with our boy born/raised in QNS, and he had no problem being a complete dick to the bartender. We here at Visceralist Inc. don't truck that tho, so. He wasn't with us.

Official Website - you can find it [ed. maybe we should X this line?]

The rest of the criteria -will be back next time. We just wanna celebrate that we fucking back, yo!

Crown Victoria

60 S. 2nd St (btw Kent & Wythe)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

(917) 719-6072

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person units just past the bar in the back. Their fuckability isn’t great - and not because they’re not big enough, they are. It’s just that they’re in a bottlenecky part of the bar.
Takes credit cards? - the Visceralist’s credit is so bad these days that we need to raise our hand and wait till we’re called on before we can use any kind of plastic, so not entirely sure on this one. Yelp says they do though, so they probably do.
Crowded on weekends? - the back yard area does tend to get frothy mixy on the weekends, but the front patio doesn’t for some reason.
Seating - a bunch in the front and back yards, but less than zero inside. Commenters, what’s this place like in the winter?
Neighborhood - next door to this weird wine-bar-looking spot that’s always nearly empty. Fuck is that about? Fuck is going on there? Is anyone looking into that? Can someone look into that? Anway, CV is close to the East River.
Pretentious/assholes - wtf is up with folks who, when you’re selling concert tix on Craigslist, write to you a bunch of times asking you first if they’re still available, then sending you like 3 more emails asking you to just respond as to whether or not they’re gone. Fuck you, you entitled republican. If you haven’t gotten a response, what the hell do you think your answer is? And how does confirmation that they’re gone help you? Is your accountant hounding you to reconcile that outstanding $70 on your fucking stupid books, you idiot? Die.
Cost of Stella - $6. If you’re sitting in the front or back yard and have ordered it from a server, make sure they actually bring it to you before you pay for it and go home, go to sleep and wet dream about commenting on Visceralist.com.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist showed up on a recent Thursday for a going-away party (that was supposed to start at 6:30pm) at 7:15pm and no one was there yet for the party (embarrassing?), but there were 5 or 6 people hanging out at the bar. When we doubled back around 8:30pm after killing some time by walking around the corner, sitting on the curb and composing most of this post on our iPhone, it was appreciably fuller.
Bartender efficiency - you think the mgmt of bars in the LES/Wburg is like officially requiring bar/wait staff to go full-hipster, attire-wise? Or is it just a biased sample set? Not that we’re complaining, but what ever happened to, ah fuck it...nevermind.
Official Website - here. Features a specific section devoted to advertising their availability as a location for commercial/movie/tv/video shoots. Kinda brilliant.
Food? How late - standard American Pub stuff.
TVs? What's on - NOPE!
Guy:girl ratio - all your ex’s friends will be all up in here. Smile!
Toys - the backyard area is gravelly enough that you could prolly find a nice skipping stone and use it over on the East River. If you can get 6 skips on video and email it to mgmt, you get a voucher for a free beer. That’s not actually true and would be a terrible idea.  
Age of clientele - apparently, “yun” in DMV slang is used similarly to how we Yawkers use “yo.” “Yun” is derived from the other, more widely used slang term, “young’n” which itself is probably a shortened version of “young one.”
Space for dancing? - dancing in gravel?
Music medium, style & volume - shit, this new Muse album is more of that classic Muse shit that we know and love here at Visceralst HQ (the shameless trend-chasing stabs at dubstep notwithstanding). “Survival” in particular is particularly Musey. Kate Hudson’s pussy is a genius.
Specials or most popular drink - definitely not the wine. Which, in our experience, is a whole lotta liquid phooey. 

Burnside Brooklyn

506 Grand St. (btw Union & Lorimer Aves)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

(347) 889-7793

Bathroom situation - 2 multisex units in the front, against the left wall. Both de rigueur for dive-bars in this part of Wburg - meaning: only one has a toilet seat. Steady as she goes, ladies....
Takes credit cards? - yes and, incidentally, Eric M. has a mildly-interesting anecdote within his Yelp! review of Burnside that involves some alleged cc-tab chicanery on the part of the bar staff. Even more interestingly, the mgmt responds to his claims with a measured and “hmmm, yeah, actually that makes more sense” refutation. Gripping reading; like something out of The Kings of Cool or suchlike...
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and seems even worse than it is because of the narrow and unnecessarily cramped layout. Tsk tut.
Seating - 5 or 6 tables in the front, 8 or so stools at the bar and an all-woodgrain-everything patio in back with seating for an additional 15-20. Sitting apparently kills you faster than the Supersize Me diet though, so shoulder-width apart your feet and live your life!
Neighborhood - this part of Grand Street has been tussling with gentrification for the past few years and neither side has tapped out yet, but deep down, we all know how these things go...
Pretentious/assholes - so this place purportedly adheres to some stereotypical Midwestern ethos construct. This is fine, but there’s a reason people leave the Midwest to come to NYC. Namely, the notion that mediocrity should be elevated to an ideal. We can do better, people!
Cost of Stella - not here, so sneak some in like a “real” Midwesterner like on TV.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here on a recent Friday at 10pm and had no problem finding a seat, getting the bartender’s attention or waiting for the bathroom (well, for the one w/o the toilet seat...seriously Burnside, you can get one for like $20 at Home Depot...easy to install and everything, we’ve done it ourselves...we can do better, people!)
Bartender efficiency - a touchy subject, if Yelp! is to be believed. The bar area is designed in such a way that there’s no real way to avoid crowding if there are more people standing around than stools.
Official Website - here. One of those single-pagers with Twitter, Fbook & Yelp! links in the corner. Is this a thing now? Shit...is this the new hot shit for Bar sites? You know...this might be the new hot shit. Ok, we’ll check with our local kings of cool and update this post asap if it turns out that this is the new hot shit. Bear with us...
Food? How late - cheese curds and Juicy Lucy burgers. Neither of which is as big in the Midwest as they’d have you believe. Gooder than fuck tho.
TVs? What's on - no, which is probably the biggest oversight for an MW zoetrope like this.
Guy:girl ratio - this category feels just a little bit too prurient to be used in a bar as MW’ern as Burnside.
Toys - shufflepuck and no Golden Tee.
Age of clientele - we here at Visceralist are such “Goddammit, if your fucking frisbee lands in our lawn just one more fucking time...” old-heads now that we don’t even know at what age the young folk (see how dated our references are?) are moving to NYC anymore.
Space for dancing? - fuck no. And you shouldn’t be doing the lambada in public anyway. Shameful. We can do better, people!
Music medium, style & volume - too loud! And would it kill them to play something off the Mo’ Money soundtrack every now and then?
Specials or most popular drink - Stevens Point Ale.

One Mile House

10 Delancey St. (btw Chrystie & Bowery)

LES, NY 10002
(646) 559-0702

Bathroom situation - one just past the bar on the right and (we believe) a few downstairs...yeah, there must be some there cuz this place is kind of a restaurant with an outdoor area, so they couldn't very well have just one bathroom and certainly not just one that you have to walk through the kitchen to get to, now could they Graffiti? E. Coli may be gluten-free, but it damn sure ain't sexy.
Takes credit cards? - Visceralist is strictly liquid these days, so we didn't put this one on the corporate Black Amex last time we came to partake. They do have the requisite machinery for all that there tho, so
Crowded on weekends? - despite being situated directly "knock-knock-knock-Penny" next door to Bowery Ballroom, it doesn't seem to be getting nearly as much pub as shut-down-in-a-month abominations like Ludlow Manor. Which is nice for now, but this place is gonna blow up the fuck when the weather gets warm again, Visceralist is officially calling it. Just like we're officially calling the SuperBowl in favor of Tom Brady's hairplugs.
Seating - 8-ish seats on both sides of the bar, with scattered stool-tables in front. Regular restaurant-style tables in back. Outdoor seating when the mosquitos and 7pm sunshine come out to play.
Neighborhood - not quite Soho (thank god) and not quite LES, so like a biracial kid from a single-parent home, but who was raised in the suburbs somehow.
Pretentious/assholes - OMH doesn't seem to have the Feng Shui to engender European-style "Hey, let's just talk just to talk, cuz we're all having fun and God, so not even thinking about hitting on each other, cuz men and women meeting at bars with no sexual tension in the air is a thing that exists."
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here - but randomly they've started product-placing it in Big Bang Theory episodes. One of the many reasons BBT is such a gem.
What time people start showing up - like many of you, Visceralist looked down upon BBT for a long time cuz it carried the stink of the justifiably-reviled 2.5 Men. But! It's actually funny, you guys. Visceralist can watch your Portlandia's and your Parks & Rec's and appreciate the skill behind the jokes there, but we're not bust-out laughing like we do at BBT. Bazinga!
Bartender efficiency - Sheldon...man, ain't been a sitcom character like him since like George Castanza or Susie from Curb or GOB Bluth.
Official Website - here. Basically just the menu.
Food? How late - So, yeah, so this place is actually a restaurant in a weird way, but with a weird bar menu. So they have frog legs for some reason. As mentioned above, Visceralist is strictly liquid of late, so we haven't eaten in a while, so commenters, you tell us.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist offices are now permanently tuned into Fox 5 at 7:30pm, then TBS from 8-11pm, then back to Fox 5 at 11pm. Ladies & Gentlemen, we are floating in space.
Guy:girl ratio - equanimity.
Toys - nope!
Age of clientele - skews older, but with the Bowery Ballroom booking the likes of Dinosaur Jr. reunions and suchlike lately, what do you expect, yun?
Space for dancing? - nope nope!
Music medium, style & volume - mostly 90's alt-rock for some reason. Like Bush's "Machine Head" and thereabouts.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a cocktail called "There's a Word for It In Spanish" - which sounds like a category we should add here on our bar reviews. Hecho!

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Ludlow Manor

95 Delancey St (corner of Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
no phone, but @LudlowManor

Bathroom situation - street level, towards the back, take a mean left, then down the stairs, then around the damn corner. Then down the fuckin' hall, god damn! Fuckin' trail of tears trying to get to this shit.
Takes credit cards? - in one chapter of David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas that's set in a dystopian future world, the credit system is described as being essentially the same as one's soul. Not that they've magically/mystically replaced people's souls with credit somehow - it's just that "soul" is the name they use to describe the credit system. Anyway, if the novel has somehow managed to accurately predict the future (i.e. that Mitchell is a witch), one gets the sense that Ludlow Manor and its mgmt will somehow be the impetus of this new system. Explanation why coming up below...
Crowded on weekends? - can't really say because, technically, this place has only been in soft-open mode since last Saturday and won't open for real until this Saturday. However! Visceralist was invited this past Friday and rolled. Now, "invited" is V-speak for "happened to be in line behind folks who actually were invited and just said 'yep' when the bouncer asked if we were with them" but the point is we were up in there, occupying the Manor like we had a protest permit.
Seating - ...but some dude in what can only be described in the Lower East Side's raunchiest fur coat prevented us from going to check out the upstairs, so we can only really speak on the ground level. Forealdo, there were roughly 10-15 stools at the bar, a few more arranged around the shelves abutting the windows in front and a few booths and tables scattered around the Manor's admittedly impressive square footage.
Neighborhood - not long ago, this stretch of Ludlow boasted only the disappointing 87 (which was later re-branded as the only marginally less disappointing UC Lounge). It now features the splendid Hotel Chantelle,the abysmally triflin' Chloe 81, and now this. So how that go?
Pretentious/assholes - according to this, the management of this place wants to attract "sexy people that care how their hair looks." Now, this is a shame because there was an opportunity here for them to create something with that could rival its neighbor, Hotel Chantelle (a Visceralist favorite, full disclosure), in terms of atmosphere, clientele, carriage, demeanor, je ne sais quois & VIP offers to local nightlife bloggers with zero integrity and an audience of dozens. Suffice to say, they did not dress Visceralist up in their love.
Cost of Stella - so far they only have them in bottles here. Fun fact! Visceralist has been told that in the UK, they've adopted the term "wifebeater" to describe a pint of Stella because it's so damn plebeian. How that go?

Berry Park

4 Berry St. (btw Nassau & 14th St.)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-2829

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W units just to the left of the bar in the main room on street level. The M's has a glass holder built into the wall above the throne in the stall. Speaking of which, Visceralist spent hurricane Irene weekend marathoning the first season of Game of Thrones. How ill was that last scene with the dragon babies? You mad, Lannisters?
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says that they ain't 'bout this life here, but Visceralist can confirm that they most certainly are.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist is strictly house partyin' or out-of-townin' on the weekends these days, so we hope you didn't come here expecting a good answer here. If we had to guess though...we wouldn't.
Seating - plentiful.
Neighborhood - commenters, help us out. Anyone got a line on the spot No Name Bar that's around hereabouts? Drop us a line.
Pretentious/assholes - visible boxers is a must.
Cost of Stella - not present. Visceralist mad, bro.
What time people start showing up - back when he bothered showing up, Jamie Foxx told a story on Foxxhole radio about how he was throwing a huge house party (apparently he owns 40 acres in the LA area...replete with an avocado farm that generates enough income to pay the yearly taxes on the entire property) and at some point around 3am there was a turning point where he started going around tapping his guests on the shoulder and saying something like "Yo, it's time for you to make a decision. It's either go time, or time to go time." Meaning the party was about to turn a corner at the intersection of Coke & Lube streets.
Bartender efficiency - moderately understaffed, so...
Official Website - http://www.berryparkbk.com/
Food? How late - seasoned fries, which...
TVs? What's on - apparently the movie "Drive" : 2011 :: "Blue Valentine" : 2010 :: "Inglorious Basterds" :: 2009
Guy:girl ratio - LL Cool BP.
Toys - projector turns the street level main area into a sports bar.
Age of clientele - mostly folks in their mid-Greenpoints.
Space for dancing? - upstairs yes, but it is subtly discouraged.
Music medium, style & volume - disappointing 2nd & 3rd quarters so far. This Drake album better be the shiznick (pronounced like Larry David's dad in that Curb hooker episode where Larry buys weed from Hurley).
Specials or most popular drink - what are we gonna do with all this beeaaaahhhh?!

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The Narrows

1037 Flushing Ave (btw Morgan & Wilson)

Brooklyn, NY 11237
(ONO) YOU-DINT

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex joints in arrears.
Takes credit cards? - the fuck outta here with that ol' bullshit. This. Right here. Is Bushwick.
Crowded on weekends? - The Narrows [ed. presumably] takes its name from its letter I-shaped floor plan, so there's barely enough space to do a convincing Dougie dance, so there's barely enough room for it to get too crowded.
Seating - 8 or 9 bolted-to-the-flo' stools at the bar and a small booth in the front. Plus some kind of backyard that wasn't open the last time Visceralist was there.
Neighborhood - as alluded to above, this is what could be considered the swagged-out section of Bushwick....so only a few scary warehouses. No yellow cabs, but you already knew that.
Pretentious/assholes - certainly not as many as were in the stands last night when Lebron was roasting the Cavs so tough.
Cost of Stella - The Narrows prides itself on serving "craft beers" so asking for a Stella will get you one of them looks. You know the look. The "well why don't you call the wahmbulance" look. It's all gucci, though.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hates the phrase "drips and drabs" cuz it's not even a real phrase [ed. says the person who's still trying to coin "There it is, Elizabeth...there it is."], but it seems appropriate here.
Bartender efficiency - the specialty cocktails they serve here are somewhat involved as far as prep, but the gents here are adept enough, so it's not like the sun will explode before you get your drink, unlike at Delmano [ed. damn, shots fired].
Official Website - here. Sparse than a muhfugga.
Food? How late - Visceralist came here based on the recommendation of a bartender at the nearby Roberta's. Fun fact! Roberta's was inspired by best-pizza-in-the-US-supplier Pepe's.
TVs? What's on - Boardwalk Empire has its issues, sure, but you know you can't front on how goddamn gangsta it gets some times. You know this.
Guy:girl ratio - seemed fairly even the other night. Btw, this is some hot shit.
Toys - well, the bartender's hair looked like it was cut with some Legos, so they may have some of those in the back.
Age of clientele - the usual.
Space for dancing? - he may be is a fucking cunt, but Chris Brown does a mean Dougie [ed. FF to 2:57]
Music medium, style & volume - how the fuck did Fergie make it onto "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"? Does she really have juice like that? Cuz you know Kanye wasn't like, "Yo, you know what this fucking amazingly awesome track needs? That one chick that the label forced the Black Eyed Peas to add in order to seem more mainstream."
Specials or most popular drink - a Bud + Jameson shot or a Sol + Jalapeno Tequila shot for $6.

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Loreley

7 Rivington St. (btw Bowery & Chrystie)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7077

Bathroom situation - 2 single-use rooms on the right just before you reach the hostess' stand [ed. damn, why's it gotta be a hostESS? Huh? Fuckin' better watch it with that chauvinist bullshit 'round here]. Guys, make sure you put the seat down when you're done, goddammit! How many times do you have to be told!?
Takes credit cards? - yeah, and btw why does Chase have the most pointless Rewards Points program out of all of them? These points don't do shit for you...like the Door Close button on an elevator.
Crowded on weekends? - shit, like Visceralist would know. Nobody goes to places with addresses on the weekends anymore. The fuck outta here with that bullshit...
Seating - 8-10 stools at the bar in front, 4 high-top tables in front too. A gang of biergarten-style tables in the wait-service area in back and a small outdoor backyard. Plenty to go around, so put your butt on something!!
Neighborhood - right in the midst of downtown Manhattan's restaurant supply store rainforest. Generally no problem catching a cab on Bowery tho, so no need for the machete [ed. smh, extending that metaphor was a nah-nah].
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, you'll likely find some Chads & Beckys here who breathed a sigh of relief when they read about Shepard Fairey's, like, fave spots in NYC, cuz it's like an official co-sign that, yes, they have been going to the right downtown "Spots" all these years. *fist bump*
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here, but holy hell, why didn't anyone ever tell Visceralist about this heavenly pilsner they call Radeberger?! Peace, Stella. You will always be forgotten.
What time people start showing up - dinnertime most nights....if it's a weekend night, they'll stick around til late night...if not, deuces.
Bartender efficiency - the dude here the other night was a bit ditsy, but otherwise reasonably apt. He accidentally knocked his iPod (aka the evening's DJ/Jukebox) on the ground, but it's a good thing most Apple products are totally shatter-resis...ohh...
Official Website - here. As NYC bar sites go, it's wayyyy ahead of the pack, but shit, is it really this hard for bars (or any company, really) to actually put some effort into its Web 2.0 presence? Web 3.0 is coming, kids, and it's 'bout to be a cold winter for some of y'all....#generalizedshotsfired.
Food? How late - some of us here at Visceralist were fed sauerkraut as kids in day-care (i.e. at roughly 6 years old). That shit'll stay with you...
TVs? What's on - one or two above the bar in front. Mostly showing Premiere League shit, which is so "Really?!" that it's as played-out and obvious as SNL's "Really?!" Weekend Update shit has become.
Guy:girl ratio - who really pays attention to this shit anymore....
Toys - they have a downstairs lounge area for private parties, but Yelp says that the Loreley staff stays droppin' the ball like Brett Favre's recently-became-a-grandfather ass when it comes to coordinating logistics for downstairs private parties, so beware.
Age of clientele - mostly the age that really [ed. REALLY] should be planning on voting in the upcoming midterms, but really [ed. REALLY] won't.
Space for dancing? - maybe downstairs? Not sure, they lost Visceralist's reservation...then! acted like Visceralist was at fault. Now, Visceralist was at fault, but you don't have to modulate your voice to the point where all our friends who were standing around can actually hear you explaining exactly how we Brett Favre'd that night up. Damn, couldn't you see that we were trying to get with that one chick in the scarf that night? Sheeit.
Music medium, style & volume - bartender's iPod (like the old one that holds like 250 gigs or whatever...damn, they still make those? Bartenders that have those, we mean).
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some kind of beer or something.


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Mulholland's

312 Grand Street (btw Havemayer & Roebling)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 486-3473

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W in the back and downstairs, both of which are perfectly adequate. There is also, however, a semi-hidden single-person room at the top of the steps that's roomy as a smooth pair of sweatpants. Plus, because the door blends into the wall so seamlessly, it goes unnoticed and is often empty. Careful though, cuz the slot-sliding lock is as finicky as a kitten in an ill-fitting pumpkin costume. Just make sure to push the lock alllll the way in...and push it real good.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and if you're nice to the bartenders they may even see their way clear to "forget" that third pitcher, Drunky McGoo. Now get outta here and impress someone with your wit, you suave so-and-so, you!
Crowded on weekends? - depends on how late in the season it is and whether or not the Big Ten's been beastin' on 'em.
Seating - a whole heap o' seats. If you can't find a seat here, you have failed at life.
Neighborhood - the borderline between "scary" Wburg & hairy Wburg. Cuz this is real! Nah but really, if you're scared of the S. 1st - S6th area, you need to breath in deeply, step away from your Google Reader for a sec and then go fuck yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - a few Michigan fans in attendance here every now and then [ed. like they own the damn place], but it ain't that serious.
Cost of Stella - two field goal attempts, 8 arms up.
What time people start showing up - usually in time to catch the 3:30 game.
Bartender efficiency - mad competent to the break o' dawn. The highlight of this place is the bartenders' attentiveness. And plus! They're nice and personable, like we've heard Leonardo is in person.
Official Website - here. Clicking this link will take you to a site that has a clip-art pic of a coat-rack with a message that says "This site has stepped out for a bit." Pretty piss-poor, but the aforementioned bartender all-around awesomeness more than makes up for this brazen ball-droppin'.
Food? How late - dear god, yes. Upon first glance, the menu appears to be standard bar-food bullshit, but there's gold in them-thar hills, please believe it (believe it, please).
TVs? What's on - flat-screens for days. If you can't find the game you wanna see on one of the screens here, you misread the schedule on sports.yahoo.com, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - well, it's a sports bar, so you know...mostly super-cute mousy chicks.
Toys - clownin' on any Notre Dame fans that happen to be in the building.
Age of clientele - exactly 25-35 year olds.
Space for dancing? - no real dancing here, but no calls for flagrant celebrating either, so get. it. cah-rackin!
Music medium, style & volume - what's that song about how Michigan sucks at football? No, not that one, the other one. No...no, not those, those are great, but there's this other one...fuuuckkk. Hold on, lemme check Michipedia...
Specials or most popular drink - $10 pitchers of Bud or BudLight on gameday(s).

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Royale

157 Avenue C

New York, NY 10009
(212) 254-6600

Bathroom situation - SMGDH. There's 1 M & 1 W single-person safe-deposit boxes just past the bar. Last time Visceralist was here (on a Friday nite), the line for the M was longer than the W's, and was even moving slower (no, like seriously). Several times, Visceralist said "Eff this ess" and went to the bar across the street, which turned out to be substantially quicker. And, the one time we decided to actually wait in line for the M, we wound up waiting for a solid 10 mins, knocking on the door several times to no avail. Gentlemen, just for your own reference, there is no reason you should ever in your whole worthless life spend more than 1.5 mins in a bar bathroom (unless you're smooshin' [ed. that term better stand the test of time]). Come to find that the culprit was a barback who actually spent that whole time trying unsuccessfully to fix the fucking terlit, which was now busted, thank you very much (and can you wait another minute?). Now, presumably this doesn't happen every single night of the week, but when it comes to bathrooms, once is way, way, way too many times.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, their site says no, and Visceralist doesn't really remember. In any event, they do have a fine assortment of $3 & $4 beers, so a card may not really be necessary, depending on how liquid your portfolio is.
Crowded on weekends?- the back-porch region is gullyrific (to be specific), so yeah, expect to do some shoulder-first walkin'.
Seating - Royale is a tiddly bit more restauranty than most bars in the area, so the seating (if you include the outdoor area in the back) is ample like Madea's bosom.
Neighborhood - the part of the EV that seems to be degentrifying of late, but is still mostly fine until like 1am-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was choppin' it up with a few dudes in the line for the restroom on a recent visit and, though they were most definitely some ol' "I like a wide variety of music...except for country & rap" type muhs, they seemed mostly harmless.
Cost of Stella - same price as what Visceralist paid for the new Interpol album (which is that new hot shit, btw)...plus $6.
What time people start showing up - when Visceralist arrived here at 11pm on the aforementioned Friday, it was already heaving like Martin Lawrence's bosom in those Big Momma's House movies.
Bartender efficiency - we spent most of our time in the wayyy back part of the porch area, and thus were restricted to wait-service. The waitress did a perfectly acceptable job of handling our relatively large group though, so we'll refrain from our usual bickering.
Official Website - here. The flash interface could use some bug-testing and the wholly unnecessary Links section has been "coming soon" for a while, but otherwise it's mad adequate.
Food? How late - so, Royale sometimes shows up in those "Best Burgers in NYC" lists, and we can see why (put any ol' bullshit on a brioche bun these days and you're a fucking contender). But honestly, you'd be better off just sticking with the liquid burgers (i.e. beer) [ed. ok, that joke doesn't work on any level...but hey, Lebron doesn't make every shot]
TVs? What's on - from their Yelp page: "We now have a 55" flat screen tv in the heated backyard showing all major sporting events daily. Come catch up with your favorite team!" So, that's a thing.
Guy:girl ratio - probably close to the male:female ratio in the infamous dinner scene in the Eddie Murphy version of "The Nutty Professor."
Toys - nothing to update your Facebook status about.
Age of clientele - remember that scene in Coming to America where Hakeem and Semi go out to a nightclub in Queens and they meet a bunch of different chicks and one of them is Arsenio in drag who says "I wanna tear you apart...and your friend too." Most of the folks here are roughly as old as those characters.
Space for dancing? - don't bother.
Music medium, style & volume - negligible.
Specials or most popular drink - in a perfect bar, Stellas would be $3/pint until 10pm and $5 thereafter. Also, there'd never be any bathroom lines (still can't believe that bullshit...). Royale is pleasant enough, but far from a perfect bar.

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The Porch

115 Ave. C (btw E. 7th & E. 8th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-1515

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex salons on the street level. Both with surprisingly and inappropriately fancy sinks. Kinda like a chick wearing "fuck-me" boots [ed. we here at Visceralist do not condone this term...cuz it's dumb played out...it's basically the Eat Pray Love of the footwear lexicon] to a bar in the meatpacking district and who also happens to have a great sense of humor (like, as in they appreciate the finest in British and American comedy) and an upbeat, nigh-on midwestern attitude. And does coke.
Takes credit cards? - nah, playboy. And Visceralist found out the hard way when we bought a drink for ourselves and a buddy and flashed the Buffalo Wild Wings MasterCard like "Can we start a tab?", and the bartender was like, "Whoa, whoa whoa..." More on this later.
Crowded on weekends?- Visceralist has only been here during the workaday live-long week, so not sure. Commenters?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a few cushioned table setups in the back. Porch's other claim to fame is having a large outdoor area with only the finest in wooden seating. Seriously, they have like a gazebo and suchlike. Plus there's an upstairs area with a fireplace and its own patio...or "porch" if you will. The upstairs area is open as erratically as the Yankee Doodle was in its depressing last year tho...shame.
Neighborhood - unfortunately, NYC seems to be gettin a little bit more brolic lately...as in, yeah, you might get accosted by someone swinging a bike chain, eye-fucking you and telling you to "Say something....Say something!". Eghk. The scary-alphabet-city thing has been done, dude. What's next? Fannypacks and slap-bracelets? The fuck outta here with all that there...
Pretentious/assholes - surprisingly, not much of an issue.
Cost of Stella -$6.
What time people start showing up- mostly on the weekends, but even that seems iffy. Come on by and pull up a seat, dammit.
Bartender efficiency - ok, so as mentioned above, Visceralist is told by the bartender that they don't take credit cards. Fine. Bartender says there's an atm right behind Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist turns around and gets fucked by out-of-network ATM fees. Fine. Visceralist turns back around and hands bartender a Jackson to pay for drinks. Fine. Bartender gives someone else change and blanks on Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist points out that bartender owes him some paypa. Fine. Bartender says "You didn't give me a $20." Ain't this about a bitch. Muthafucka, you just told me to go to the ATM, ATMs only give out $20s, I just paid for this drink. The fuck you think we paid with?! Visceralist insists he did pay with a $20. Bartender relents, but eye-rolls Visceralist back into the 1800s. Sheesh. NYC Bartenders...YOU ARE NOT SACROSANCT!
Official Website - here. Their menu is a 7MB pdf. SMMFH.
Food? How late - apparently something, but Visceralist was waiting for their 7Mb pdf menu to download...and then the Sun swallowed the Earth 5 billion years later and it was still downloading, so...
TVs? What's on- well, they have karaoke on Thurs nights, so, mostly white text against a blue background.
Guy:girl ratio - can you believe Don slept with his assistant and then a week or so later she's (apparently) all good with it? Fuck. The '60s were a muhfuh.
Toys- you could prolly bounce a basketball once or twice against the wood-grain in the back without getting kicked out.
Age of clientele - Jay-Z's like 45 years old now, but he's still the coolest muhfuh in NYC, so what does that tell you?
Space for dancing? - yeah, in the back.
Music medium, style & volume- Visceralist came here on a Karaoke night recently and there was way too much Bruce & "Come On Eileen" and really, we should start a start that's just about songs that should not be done via karaoke. Or maybe a twitter...commenters?
Specials or most popular drink - if you actually get accurate change back without having to make a scene, you're way ahead of Visceralist, so....what does that tell you?

Also, we looked up the word "Profligate" on dictionary.com before writing this, but never found a good spot to squeeze it in. Whatever, we still want credit. Maybe it's a good adjective to describe the triflin' bartender...we don't know. Commenters?

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Macri Park

462 Union Ave (btw Conselyea & Metropolitan)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-4999999999

Bathroom situation- they have two unisex rooms downstairs that prolly start the night out nice, but by 12:30 they're basically refugee camp status. Not sure if this is still the case, but the two rooms used to share a somewhat fancy sink...like it was built in the middle of the wall separating the two. This left a small space through which you could see into the other bathroom. It's almost as if they designed the bathrooms by starting with a glory hole and working around that...then sobered up halfway through the construction and were like "Ooooh dip! What we finna do?!" It kinda works tho. There's also a solo unisex joint near the entrance to the backyard on the left side.
Takes credit cards?- if you're still using credit cards in today's economy, your life is going way better than Visceralist's. Damn. Can we hold $20? That's the cc min here btw, so if you're using one, we know you got it. So why you holding out on us? Damn...now that's what friends are for?
Crowded on weekends? - people tend to walk by this place w/o even realizing it's there, so it doesn't get too stupid.
Seating- 10ish seats at the bar and a gang of boothsthroughout that are arranged nice and efficiently. Plus in the warmer months, the backyard is open and replete with several picnic tables and permeated with the fucking awesome scent of cigarette smoke.
Neighborhood- the part of WBurg that thinks it'd be stupid to diss Kanye, cuz even his superficial raps are super-official. "Cuz I dookie-dong any song that they threw me on!" - Kanye Omari West c. 2005
Pretentious/assholes - where you act up...that's where you get smacked up.
Cost of Stella- prolly like $6. Funny cuz we're actually gonna go here this weekend, but wanted to knock this review out now instead of waiting to actually go there and remember what stuff's like so we can be accurate in this review. But hey...if it works for the NYPress...
What time people start showing up - hard to say cuz this place is rarely packed to the gills.
Bartender efficiency- the bar's surface area takes up a relatively small percentage of the overall square footage of this place, so you'd think it'd be all "Fuck, I gotta flash a $20 bill to get someone's attention out this bitch." Kinda like it is in Soho, or Meatpacking or Grammercy or Murray Hill or any of those other super official neighborhoods in NYC that everyone loves going to cuz there are never any problems and you always (ALWAYS) have a great time even though you were unsure of going there cuz technically you weren't invited, but it was an open-invite Facebook event and that one chick said she was a 'Maybe', so fuck it, nothing to lose...
Official Website - none, and this place doesn't really even need one cuz it's so " ". Visceralist only remembered this place cuz we happened to be Facebook "invited" to a party here this weekend.
Food? How late - not really, but there's a great Peruvian restaurant around the corner. We forget what it's called tho.
TVs? What's on - yes, they got one of them thangs. So you can watch Judge Joe Brown start every sentence with "Now you mean to tell me..."
Guy:girl ratio- all the bartenders here are female and there's like 15 of them, so if you're a dude here you'll prolly be outnumbered. And they're totally really flirting with you cuz they think you're cute, btw. God, you're so interesting. Now how come you're still single? So, you're here for Mike's bday, right? Oh nice, who do you know here? Oh...well, who invited you then? Oh...(to the guy standing behind you) what can I getcha?
Toys - glory hole in the bathroom.
Age of clientele- spend enough time here and you'll be like "Ha, damn....kids really do still move to NYC and get waiter jobs while trying to be actors and writers and shit. Fuck...thought Sex and the City and Vice Magazine put an end to that shit....ah well."
Space for dancing? - the booths & tables seemed almost perfectly arranged to prevent any dancing from taking place. Bloomberg's Cabaret laws for the W.
ID Check Procedure - not sure that we've ever encountered one.
Music medium, style & volume- lots of times it's the bartender's iPod, but they also do occasionally get DJs here too. Either way, no need to listen to "Lovesong" (or any Echo & The Bunnymen, for that matter) on your iPod on the way over.
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some shit, who knows. Write your own damn bar review, shit.
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Epstein's Bar

82 Stanton St. (NE corner of Allen)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2232

Bathroom situation- two in the back, men's to the left, women's to the right. The men's features a urinal and a stall with swinging Old West saloon doors like they have in Back to the Future Part III. Visceralist has heard that the women's is single-person, but feel free to correct that in the comments if need be.
Takes credit cards? - no, and Visceralist is starting to get sick of this BS (we're looking at you too, Pink Pony). Third-party ATM fees are straight bozack.
Crowded on weekends? - this is a deceptively small bar, and it's in the heart of the LES, so you subtract 9 from both sides and do the rest of the math.
Seating - they do manage to squeeze a grip of tables into their lack of square-footage, and during the warmer seasons they have an extra 4 or 5 tables on the patio, so if you happen to come here when most other people have a parade or beach to go to, you should be able to rest your glutes, rectum & anus.
Neighborhood - right close to the newly-opened Thompson Hotel (Antoine Merriweather voice: Hated it.). Don't expect much spillover though.
Pretentious/assholes - this place tends to attract genuine LES locals (no charge, Neilsen...bust out the clipboards) and because it's so small, most other NYCers won't bother squeezing in.
Cost of Stella - again, they only take cash here, so who knows if they have a set price for Stella? The IRS certainly doesn't. Most likely though, it's $6.
What time people start showing up - the problem with young people today: not enough jobs to keep them from showing up at Epstein's around 8ish most nights.
Bartender efficiency - yikes. Best to look at this through a European filter. Visceralist has never been to Europe (nor does Epstein's really profess to be inspired by European bars), but presumably the service at outdoor bars/cafe's there is really slow too.
Official Website - here. Took a visit here to realize that this establishment actually is named after a certain Sweathog's mother (like any of its clientele would get that). Can't hate on it too hard though cuz it's succinct and has their daily specials menu on every page. Eat a dick up till you hiccup, Hi-Fi's website.
Food? How late - yes, basic bar food menu, but the place is so small that one wonders where the hell they actually cook all this shit up. One assumes the kitchen that's actually perfectly visible from anywhere in the bar.
TVs? What's on - yes and sports. If you're like Visceralist and realize that baseball is boring (shouts out to football, basketball & tennis), you'd do well to avoid this place during the months Sept-Oct.
Guy:girl ratio - leaning towards the penis (no homo).
Toys - flat-screen tvs and yelling.
Age of clientele - as Epstein's is close to the border of the LES, you'll find a good mix of problematic young people today that don't know they're not welcome and the 30 year olds who'll make sure they figure that out asap.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has seen a number of people bus' a hot Stanky Leg when the trumped-up check arrives at the end of the night. With they broke ass.
Grimeyness - hate to pull a Red Carpet Rivers move, but the cracked and uneven tiles throughout the bar are a dead giveaway.
ID Check Procedure - no bouncer, and the bartender's usually a chick who won't bother carding cuz she's got those "student loans" to pay off and, hey, you do have a $20 in your hand, so...
Music medium, style & volume - jukebox here, but the only thing you'll hear is something that's been synched with the bartender's iSomething. So don't come here acting all bougie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks & dinners till 11pm on Tuesdays. This seems to be the most popular reason for people to be here, but Thursday is guest bartender night, which seems way more potentially fraught with peril and, thus, interesting.
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The Delancey

168 Delancey St. (btw Attorney & Clinton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9920

Bathroom situation - two multi-person water closets on the ground floor in the back near the coat-check (ain't that a bitch for the coat-checker?). Possibly some downstairs, but we have to focus on the main men's room because it contains a disturbingly unique setup for their urinal. In an apparent homage to truckstops, they've decided to employ the trough model of urine-collection. But they class that bitch up by lining the bottom of it with polished stones and having a zen waterfall pour down to provide rinseaway. You'll be so distracted by the owner's cot damn audacity in putting this motherfucker (yes, "er" and "er") in their bar that any pee-shyness you might normally encounter will melt away like a Nazi's face when the Ark of the Covenant is nearby.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and they even have one of those easily hackable ATMs that doesn't even ask you if you want to see your balance before flashing on screen how much money you don't have in your account. Just be sure no one's peek-peeking over your brokeass shoulder before withdrawing.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot has a straight ballerific roof deck with Lost-style palm fronds and everything. You'll think you've done up'n landed on Gilligan's Island. On some Prisoner shit. Shout out to Dr. Moreau. So, yeah, it's crowded when it's nice out.
Seating - Considering how much square footage this place encompasses, there's a startling dearth of seating on the ground and basement levels. This, however, is very nearly rectified by the wooden benches and suchlike on the roof deck. Most folks still stand though.
Neighborhood - confidently walking the tightrope between the Disneyfied and the fucktified sections of the LES. Lots of places nearby to get your weave right, tho (shouts out to Michael C. Hall).
Type of crowd - picture the crowd that showed up at Gatsby's parties...then halve their bank accounts...then update their frame of reference to, hmmm, the mid-to-late 90's. Then go to The Delancey if this sort of scene butters your biscuit.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist gets called out on this category constantly, but we stubbornly and pretentiously stand by it. The Delancey crowd is usually not too pick-a-fight-y tho, so...
Cost of Stella - $6 or $7 depending on how much of a mark-ass busta you look like to the bartender.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist came to a concert here once at 9pm and there weren't many people...also came to a Bday party (on the roof deck!) at like 12:30am and it was damn-near infestated with (Daniel Plainview voice) people. So, fucked if we know.
Bartender efficiency - there're bars on all 3 levels, so you're a damn jive turkey sucka if you wait more than 2 mins for a drink.
Official Website - here. The front page has a black-and-red photoshop of a Les Paul next to a martini glass, and an HTML title reading "index." That was all Visceralist needed to see.
Food? How late - don't think so, but there's a Burger King a block away in case you need to sneak-sneak anything on the low-low (witchyo fat ass).
TVs? What's on - nope, so you'll have to have to bring Drake's "Best I Ever Had" video on your ipod/iphone or watch it 5 times in a row right before leaving so it stays in your memory banks for the night.
Guy:girl ratio - the roofdeck is a fuckin genetalia magnet, period. Does not discriminate one way or the other. So, 50:50.
Toys - the flora on the roofdeck counts, no? If not, you can get your fingerbang-bang on in one of The Delancey's many dark nooks (shout out to crannies).
Age of clientele - very unsurprising.
Space for dancing? - yes, a small yet dedicated dance space just past the bar on the main floor.
Grimeyness - the roofdeck is resplendent. The men's urinal is as well. The rest, not so much. The basement is downright reminiscent of Lit's.
ID Check Procedure - present most nights w/ one of those gizmos. Meh.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ most nights, spinning all types of ill shit...ill meaning good and ill meaning bad (and meaning mediocre...does anyone get hype when that new Jay-Z comes on anymore?).
Specials or most popular drink - well drinks are 2 for 1 all Monday night long. Shout out to unemployment...but a bigger shout out to funemployment.
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