Thursday, June 24, 2010

200 Orchard

200 Orchard St. (btw Houston & Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7000

Bathroom situation
- two unisex minty-fresh WCs in the way back. They're actually kinda waka flocka you might look around and feel uncomfortable cuz you're not used to having that much room to stretch and yaw back and forth. Welcome to the new NoLES, playboy!
Takes credit cards? - yes, but only plastic ones with embossed numbers on the front...and you gotta have your signature on the back. Of it. The credit card, that is. [ed. Visceralist's editor will be out of the office with limited access to email til later. If you have any complaints about Visceralist's trife-blogging in the interim, kill yoself.]
Crowded on weekends? - nah, right? This spot has slightly more space than it knows what to do with, so there's lots of room to walk around without getting fondled on the low-low by someone whose mom really did teach them better.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, a big ol' booth in the front room and 3 tables in the back part. Most of the stools at the bar are usually occupied, so if you're in the habit of going to bars not by yourself (what? like you never...), your best bet is the tables in the back. They're the kind that have high-chairs.
Neighborhood - across the street from racist-ass American Apparel, but don't hold that against 200. Pomades is a must.
Pretentious/assholes - A bunch of folk who look like they might, but you know they won't. 'evs. 'ver it.
Cost of Stella -$6 and served in a proper Stella glass like in those commercials they only show in the US during the World Cup (how bout that team USA, btw, eh? Eh?).
What time people start showing up - like Nevuary. Nobody rilly comes here. Like if they did a pie-chart of this place's crowd it would be a circle that's 100% filled in with one color, let's say red, and in the Legend for the pie chart it would tell you that red represents Nobody.
Bartender efficiency - two dudes working the bar last time Visceralist was here and we didn't have any complaints. Meh'vs.
Official Website - here. Web 2.0 compatible, but otherwise pretty basic. Which Visceralist excitedly and lucidly approves of, FWIWorth.
Food? How late - if this place has any gimmick, it's their $8 paninis. Visceralist didn't try one cuz the "kitchen" consists of a shelf with a cutting board and a panini grill right next to the bar (like right where everyone walks by it like). No shots, but Visceralist likes a little mystery in our food-prep, to be honest.
TVs? What's on - yeah, one big projector'd up screen right above the booth in the front and two smaller flatscreens above the bar. MLB was on last time Visceralist was there, which....eghk. All we're saying (other than the obvious shit like Baseball's boring like waiting on herpes test results....cuz, trust, you got it) is that any sport where you can play two full games in a row (this double-header business) is not the kind of sport that Visceralist can co-sign. You know what other sports do double and triple headers? Frisbee golf, pool at a bar, Tic-Tac-Toe, jerkin off last night...psshaw.
Guy:girl ratio - 60/40...Visceralist actually counted last time he was here, so take that.
Toys - you could prolly dance up on the tables in the back, like they do in the movie Coyote Ugly, which is a lot like they do at the actual Coyote Ugly (ugh, shiver just went down Visceralist's spinal regions).
Age of clientele - old enough to remember when The Simpsons was good (shots definitely fired).
Space for dancing? - fuckin hell, yeah. Plenty of room to jerk, juke, Dougie, do the wop, etc, etc.
Music medium, style & volume - yeah, bartender's iPhone (risky, playboy) was playing Motown's Greatest Hits for a while. Btw, Gucci just said he makes love to his money like Ray J & Kim K on some song on his new mixtape Mr. Zone 6. FTFW.
Specials or most popular drink - nathan to speak of, but they do serve food til 3:30 which is something of a rarity 'round these here parts.

View Larger Map

Excuse the Duffle

Sean Garret ft. Nicki Minaj - "Get It All"

The "Stick-shift the dingaling" reference gets remixed like whoa...


You may not be able to read the word btw "MY" and "HELPED" in the ad above the doors in the photo above, but it reads "MCNY", which is presumably an accredited & licensed college associated w/ the CUNY system. Still...the comma btw "IMPOSSIBLE" and "POSSIBLE"? SMDH.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chloe Redux

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-0067
Now that Visceralist has actually been to Chloe, we thought it only fair that we write a slightly more accurate review than this one. Enjoy this!

Bathroom situation
- two unisex units just past the bar (1 M, 1 F). They're about as tiny as David Geffen's hopes of getting Lebron to play for the Clippers, but certainly serviceable. Fancy faucets plus the paper towels are laying in stacks on the counter next to the sink...which, if this spot and Death & Company are to be believed, is "classy." No real complaints here, honestly.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $30 min. So, if you plan on having more than 2 drinks, you'll likely make it.
Crowded on weekends? - damn, playboy. Fuck what you heard, they keep this place sparse and downright dearthy. When Visceralist came here with a friend for said friend's bday party, we were stopped by the bouncer at the door and told to wait to the left after we gave the right name. Said bouncer then patched into his earpiece Matrix-style and spake thusly (ver batim), "Yeah, two guys here for xyz's party. Both wearing t-shirts and jeans. Yeah, they look arright. Two minutes? Ok..." Then, to us, "OK, guys, just a minute...and you'll have to take off the baseball cap, Visceralist." Roughly 2 minutes later, Visceralist and co. were eye-rolling our way up in that ho.
Seating - 4 or 5 stools at the bar, but a gang of booth area. This place is actually compact than a muh, but as we've discussed, the door policy is mad triflin', so there's usually no problem finding a cushioned something-or-other somewhere.
Neighborhood - the SoDe section of Ludlow has allegedly been on the come-up for a while now, but Visceralist still doesn't see anything but a few patches of blue water in a sea of BP. [ed. lucky for you, that reference will probably age well.]
Pretentious/assholes - granted, the bday girl throwing the party here the other night moved to NYC from the Mountain Time Zone but a few months ago, and so probably didn't know any better when choosing this place...but still and all, Visceralist managed to have some half-decent conversations and didn't encounter anyone in the line for the men's room talking about "Texas Rules." So, urrm...shit, this review is already emotionally draining...
Cost of Stella -Stella is actually one of the 2 or 3 beers on tap here. Still, they managed to trife it up. She was served in an 8 oz glass for $8...FSMFH.
What time people start showing up - this is the thing about this joint. The bouncers keep the place at only 50-ish% capacity all night. For what tho? Granted, Visceralist wasn't complaining about the relative lack of bathroom lines, but still. You have a rep for being exclusive, but then your revered chosen few walk in and are confronted with a half-empty closet the size of Schiller's restroom and thinking to themselves (Michael Bluth voice) "I've made a huge mistake..."
Bartender efficiency - owing to the aforementioned lack of capacity, you'll rarely have to wait more than a "New York Minute" for a drink. Kinda doesn't mean much tho if there's no struggle, ya know...?
Official Website - here. SMH-worthy.
Food? How late - they do have a full dinner menu on their site, but for what?
TVs? What's on - do not come here if you plan on making obvious, played-out jokes about the Shake Weight when the ad for it randomly pops up. [ed. Damn, calling out people for Shake Weight jokes? Have you read some of your stuff lately?]
Guy:girl ratio - The bouncers work very hard to keep this 50:50. The bouncers do an OK job of this.
Toys - conversation about how hard it is to get into this place will only last so long, so you'd better stock up on some Shake Weight jokes or something before you head in, cuz conversating is all they got here.
Age of clientele - the lighting in here was pretty dim and thus forgiving of folks' wrinkles and receding hairlines [ed. And you didn't love this place?!] , so it's hard to say.
Space for dancing? - yeah, one of the few benefits of a continual 50% capacity status.
Music medium, style & volume - do you love early-90's hits such as "I Love it When You Call Me Big Poppa" & "I Got a Man, I'm Not Trying to Hear That, See?" and suchlike?AND, do you hate all other kinds of music from any other era? Yeah? Ok then, you're all set. In fact, why are you not here right now?
Specials or most popular drink - beers served in 8oz glasses. Possibly other stuff, but if you're still here after finding out about the 8oz glass beer situation...AND you're the one paying (Visceralist dodged that bullet, ftw), then we need to talk about the huge mistakes you've made in life. Get at Visceralist in the comments.

View Larger Map

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Visceralist Review: Drake - "Thank Me Later"

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.