Tender Trap

245 S. 1st St (btw Roebling & Havemeyer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211

(347) 763-1825

Bathroom situation - there may be others, but we’ve only ever seen the one in the back corner on the left. Shit is bombed-out & depleted, but never seems to be much of a line, despite its proximity to the dance floor. And that’s even when it’s thick with booty-meat up in here, which is always and forevermore.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $20 min.
Crowded on weekends? - fuck a muckabuck, yes. Visceralist rolled by here on a recent Friday night and it was like packed like a live-action Keith Haring mural. And though we still wanted to bum rush up in there and get our shit all the way off cuz the spot is that serious, the other brodies in our crew at the time were all like, “Waah...don’t wunna...” Hs were S’d.
Seating - a couple booths up front and an exquisite dearth of stools near the bar. So if you’ve managed to get one, don’t turn your head too far to the left, cuz the next man’s gonna swerve right, yoink your seat and you’ll find your Fatty Arbuckle on the ground, wondering why you ever moved to NYC in the first damn place.
Neighborhood - don’t let the “S” in their address fool you, this is firmly in the “Yo! The Mouse Trap board game I ordered off eBay just came in! Can’t wait to get this up on the bookshelf!” part of Williamsburg.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve only been actually approached by (a) some chick in neon blue snowpants (w/ suspenders) & (b) some bolo who was all like, “Yo, you want some coke?” (possibly on some 21 Jump Street ish), but neither really annoyed us, so think we’re good.
Cost of Stella - they don’t have it on tap here, which is really the only drawback of this otherwise magical spot.
What time people start showing up - we recently showed up here after a late Saturday dinner at the nearby (and tasty d-liteful) Rye and it was dead for about the time it took us to take our seats and turn our heads to the left. Soon as they got back centered, it was fuckin' party time and it was official.
Bartender efficiency - the area around the bar is pretty narrow, which leads to some not so insignificant traffic jammin, but the bartenders know their business and go about it with some considerable aplomb. So tip them early and often, you...
Official Website - here. Phone number, email, address & hours. And that’s it. Just the way poppa likes it. Now come ‘ere...
Food? How late - booty meat. Served all night lawng.
TVs? What's on - if you don’t get the fuck with that bull...boy, if you came in here hoping to catch some episodes of the Larry Sanders Show on some ironic shit, then you need to just get all the way out of our fuckin’ sight by yesterday, fuck-o’clock. And fuck you too. And your breath stinks.
Guy:girl ratio - and this is why you come to the new set of cool bars in BK. Honestly, if your late-night plans include going to places where you can even see the Manhattan skyline, then you lost before you got started, B.
Toys - if one of you commenters could PayPal us here at Visceralist one of those new 4K TVs so we can finally play some goddamn Halo 4, that’d be great, just real great. Kthxbb.
Age of clientele - that part of your 20s when you can say “Eh, I’ll start focusing on my career next month...” and actually get away with it. Which hopefully extends into your 30s.
Space for dancing? - shit, where to start with this one? On the weekends they have the twerk team up on the bar, gettin’ it crackin’ like if the “Rumpshaker” video had a fuckin’ baby with 2 Chainz’ “Birthday” video.
Music medium, style & volume - any song that’s ever had the word “Booty” in the title and any of the songs that would come up if you put any of those first batch of songs as the seed song in your Pandora.
Specials or most popular drink - psh...dutty wine, prolly. Shit, just get your booty here.

Tandem

236 Troutman (btw Wilson & Knickerbocker Aves)

Brooklyn, NY 11237

(718) 386-2369

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person WCs in the hallway between the main front space and the back fun space. Much like the terrible Schillers, they have a shared sink in the bathroom area. And yeah, it probably seems random that we’d just reach out there like Mr. Fantastic to slap Schiller’s in their triflin’ mouth for no apparent reason, but trust us, there’s a reason. Email us for details. 
Takes credit cards? - oh yes they did do it. Speaking of which, a friend of Visceralist’s who is really a friend that exists and has a girlfriend on twitter and a Nigerian trust fund and all those normal things that people have when they’re real and you’ve had brunch with them and stuff. So, anyway, this friend was wondering how one would go about checking their credit report score cuz they never have before and apparently (according to their real words that they spoke in person) they want to apply for a new job and they heard that employers be checkin’ on that shit now. Commenters, help us out?
Crowded on weekends? - so even tho this place has been around for over a year, it’s just recently cropped up on Visceralist’s radar, which means that the cool kids are finishing up with it, which means that the bolo hordes will be here ad nauseum come summer 2013.
Seating - so this spot is a restaurant during those useless, boring hours before party time, so they have a bunch of tables and chairs in front. There’s a random side room just past the bathrooms as well for private parties and suchlike.
Neighborhood - the part of Bushwick that thinks it’s on that new hot shit, but apparently forgot to think about the fact that Bed-Stuy is where the new hot shit really been occurring at lately.
Pretentious/assholes - not at first blush, but we’ve already heard reports of people’s coats getting jacked the fuck out the backroom. Granted, it’s foolish to just toss your coat up against the wall and expect the honor system to have its foot on the night’s neck, but if you’re still stealing coats in Obama’s America, you are officially an asshole, yes.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was buying for the crew for some reason last time we were here, so we were on all-PBR-everything status in a very real way.
What time people start showing up - STOP EVERYTHING: someone(s) on the internet is stupid: the Illuminati fixation? If they exist and they’re as powerful as y’all straw-men say, then what is your JPG-zoomin’ YouTube clip gonna do about it? Raise awareness? Awareness has had its feet up on the coffee table for the past forever, man. Real orgs that exist like City Harvest could really use your time & energy too, man.
Bartender efficiency - top-notch, no qualifiers.
Official Website - here. We had to update Adobe Reader on the Visceralist HQ Hal 2000 in order to check out their menu, which was decidedly unworth it. That’s a check-minus, Tandem.  
Food? How late - if a quick perusal of Tandem’s Yelp reviews are to be believed, the brunch here is on point like calming, late-night hugs from momma. Visceralist hasn’t woken up in time for brunch since we were getting calming, late-night hugs from momma, so we can’t really offer up an opinion on this one.
TVs? What's on - it is kinda interesting how having even a single flat-screen in a bar can change the vibe from easy, late-80s r&b cool into a head-slapping, late-80s, Zach Morris Cuntachella. Anyway, this place doesn’t have any.
Guy:girl ratio - pretty even. Which, btw, commenters, what’s up with that revelation in Ep 8 of House of Cards? The way they downplayed it, hmmm....
Toys - as mentioned above, the bathroom has a communal sink which, if you’re charismatic enough, could be turned into a funny, meet-cute splash party scene from like an early ‘00s Bollywood movie. Just sayin’!
Age of clientele - mostly those that are just sipping gingerly on their 30s.
Space for dancing? - fuck, yo. So this is where Tandem really comes out to play. The backroom dance party is what makes the considerable trip out to this spot worthwhile. 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” has never sounded so ill. Plus they have laser lights like that MJ “Rock With You” vid.
Music medium, style & volume - see above.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, this place is gonna blow up this summer, just remember where you heard it first.

Crown Victoria

60 S. 2nd St (btw Kent & Wythe)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

(917) 719-6072

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person units just past the bar in the back. Their fuckability isn’t great - and not because they’re not big enough, they are. It’s just that they’re in a bottlenecky part of the bar.
Takes credit cards? - the Visceralist’s credit is so bad these days that we need to raise our hand and wait till we’re called on before we can use any kind of plastic, so not entirely sure on this one. Yelp says they do though, so they probably do.
Crowded on weekends? - the back yard area does tend to get frothy mixy on the weekends, but the front patio doesn’t for some reason.
Seating - a bunch in the front and back yards, but less than zero inside. Commenters, what’s this place like in the winter?
Neighborhood - next door to this weird wine-bar-looking spot that’s always nearly empty. Fuck is that about? Fuck is going on there? Is anyone looking into that? Can someone look into that? Anway, CV is close to the East River.
Pretentious/assholes - wtf is up with folks who, when you’re selling concert tix on Craigslist, write to you a bunch of times asking you first if they’re still available, then sending you like 3 more emails asking you to just respond as to whether or not they’re gone. Fuck you, you entitled republican. If you haven’t gotten a response, what the hell do you think your answer is? And how does confirmation that they’re gone help you? Is your accountant hounding you to reconcile that outstanding $70 on your fucking stupid books, you idiot? Die.
Cost of Stella - $6. If you’re sitting in the front or back yard and have ordered it from a server, make sure they actually bring it to you before you pay for it and go home, go to sleep and wet dream about commenting on Visceralist.com.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist showed up on a recent Thursday for a going-away party (that was supposed to start at 6:30pm) at 7:15pm and no one was there yet for the party (embarrassing?), but there were 5 or 6 people hanging out at the bar. When we doubled back around 8:30pm after killing some time by walking around the corner, sitting on the curb and composing most of this post on our iPhone, it was appreciably fuller.
Bartender efficiency - you think the mgmt of bars in the LES/Wburg is like officially requiring bar/wait staff to go full-hipster, attire-wise? Or is it just a biased sample set? Not that we’re complaining, but what ever happened to, ah fuck it...nevermind.
Official Website - here. Features a specific section devoted to advertising their availability as a location for commercial/movie/tv/video shoots. Kinda brilliant.
Food? How late - standard American Pub stuff.
TVs? What's on - NOPE!
Guy:girl ratio - all your ex’s friends will be all up in here. Smile!
Toys - the backyard area is gravelly enough that you could prolly find a nice skipping stone and use it over on the East River. If you can get 6 skips on video and email it to mgmt, you get a voucher for a free beer. That’s not actually true and would be a terrible idea.  
Age of clientele - apparently, “yun” in DMV slang is used similarly to how we Yawkers use “yo.” “Yun” is derived from the other, more widely used slang term, “young’n” which itself is probably a shortened version of “young one.”
Space for dancing? - dancing in gravel?
Music medium, style & volume - shit, this new Muse album is more of that classic Muse shit that we know and love here at Visceralst HQ (the shameless trend-chasing stabs at dubstep notwithstanding). “Survival” in particular is particularly Musey. Kate Hudson’s pussy is a genius.
Specials or most popular drink - definitely not the wine. Which, in our experience, is a whole lotta liquid phooey. 

Burnside Brooklyn

506 Grand St. (btw Union & Lorimer Aves)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

(347) 889-7793

Bathroom situation - 2 multisex units in the front, against the left wall. Both de rigueur for dive-bars in this part of Wburg - meaning: only one has a toilet seat. Steady as she goes, ladies....
Takes credit cards? - yes and, incidentally, Eric M. has a mildly-interesting anecdote within his Yelp! review of Burnside that involves some alleged cc-tab chicanery on the part of the bar staff. Even more interestingly, the mgmt responds to his claims with a measured and “hmmm, yeah, actually that makes more sense” refutation. Gripping reading; like something out of The Kings of Cool or suchlike...
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and seems even worse than it is because of the narrow and unnecessarily cramped layout. Tsk tut.
Seating - 5 or 6 tables in the front, 8 or so stools at the bar and an all-woodgrain-everything patio in back with seating for an additional 15-20. Sitting apparently kills you faster than the Supersize Me diet though, so shoulder-width apart your feet and live your life!
Neighborhood - this part of Grand Street has been tussling with gentrification for the past few years and neither side has tapped out yet, but deep down, we all know how these things go...
Pretentious/assholes - so this place purportedly adheres to some stereotypical Midwestern ethos construct. This is fine, but there’s a reason people leave the Midwest to come to NYC. Namely, the notion that mediocrity should be elevated to an ideal. We can do better, people!
Cost of Stella - not here, so sneak some in like a “real” Midwesterner like on TV.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here on a recent Friday at 10pm and had no problem finding a seat, getting the bartender’s attention or waiting for the bathroom (well, for the one w/o the toilet seat...seriously Burnside, you can get one for like $20 at Home Depot...easy to install and everything, we’ve done it ourselves...we can do better, people!)
Bartender efficiency - a touchy subject, if Yelp! is to be believed. The bar area is designed in such a way that there’s no real way to avoid crowding if there are more people standing around than stools.
Official Website - here. One of those single-pagers with Twitter, Fbook & Yelp! links in the corner. Is this a thing now? Shit...is this the new hot shit for Bar sites? You know...this might be the new hot shit. Ok, we’ll check with our local kings of cool and update this post asap if it turns out that this is the new hot shit. Bear with us...
Food? How late - cheese curds and Juicy Lucy burgers. Neither of which is as big in the Midwest as they’d have you believe. Gooder than fuck tho.
TVs? What's on - no, which is probably the biggest oversight for an MW zoetrope like this.
Guy:girl ratio - this category feels just a little bit too prurient to be used in a bar as MW’ern as Burnside.
Toys - shufflepuck and no Golden Tee.
Age of clientele - we here at Visceralist are such “Goddammit, if your fucking frisbee lands in our lawn just one more fucking time...” old-heads now that we don’t even know at what age the young folk (see how dated our references are?) are moving to NYC anymore.
Space for dancing? - fuck no. And you shouldn’t be doing the lambada in public anyway. Shameful. We can do better, people!
Music medium, style & volume - too loud! And would it kill them to play something off the Mo’ Money soundtrack every now and then?
Specials or most popular drink - Stevens Point Ale.

Donna

27 Broadway (Btw Kent & Dunham Pl.)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

No Reservations

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person unisex units just around the kitty-corner in the back, to the left. Both big enough to fit “one” person and clean enough to really get down to some raw, intense, up-against-the-wall or bent-over-gripping-the-sink, god-fuck-yes “thinking” done.
Takes credit cards? - Visceralist just bought a cap at a boutique store that used a Square card-reader via an iPhone 3GS. It borked reading the card a bunch of times and dude had to eventually type in our Black Amex # which sort of defeated the purpose. Still, the cap is fly, so if you see Visceralist out, give us our due dap, sucka.
Crowded on weekends? - Donna is fairly new, out of the way, and generally only known to the South WBurg locals - having said that, they do have some fly DJs Thur-Sat and it is pretty small, so mathematize that yourself.
Seating - 18 stools at the bar, a smattering of small tables just opposite and a large, communal-style table in the back which can accommodate a good sized going-away party (even if you just know the non-profit world isn’t for her).
Neighborhood - just next to a robust construction site that appears to be erecting what looks like a Holiday Inn designed by whoever it is that draws Emojis.
Pretentious/assholes - nah, man. It’s well off the radar of most NYC bolos, so conviviality is a must.
Cost of Stella - not a thing here, which is a deep d’oh.
What time people start showing up - tea-time in the meantime. But for real, for real, the crowd dynamic here is fairly fluid, so just come whenever, bring whover, dress however, say whatever, pay whatever they tell you to pay, then put another 20% on it.
Bartender efficiency - a cursory glance at the Yelp reviews of Donna will paint an unflattering, George Condo-esqe portrait of the service here, but in our experience, this is not to be believed. Now granted, good-looking, charismatic, bon-vivant, fly-than-a-muhfuh stunnas dressed in all Etiqueta Negra everything tend to get better service than most, but hey...
Official Website - here. A bit more minimalist than we typically condone (where the fuck is the menu?), but an adequate first draft.
Food? How late - yes, small plates. They have a $10 tomato on there for some reason, which is unequivocally trife, but the rest is cute enough.
TVs? What's on - nope, so you’ll have to pick another spot for your Breaking Bad premiere party. July 15th can’t cook soon enough.
Guy:girl ratio - can easily tip in either direction because the space is so cozy-comfy.
Toys - to guys who come to bars on their own with no plans to meet anyone and no smartphone with which to appear distracted, I say: “You’re better than me.”
Age of clientele - appears to skew early-30s, which is the new late-20s according to people in their 50s (new 30s).
Space for dancing? - no, which is odd considering that...
Music medium, style & volume - DJs Thur-Sun night.
Specials or most popular drink - all cocktail everything. 

Shea Stadium BK

20 Meadow St. (btw Waterbury & Bogart)

Brooklyn, NY 11206
no phone

Bathroom situation - there are 2 to your left as you enter, one on either side of the soundboard area. Yep yep, that photo above is from the one closest to the door. Visceralist really does this for the people, you guys.
Takes credit cards? - so, this place isn't actually what you'd call "legit" so don't expect to bro your way up in here with your fancy BofA Visa, playboy. Note also that there aren't really any ATMs nearby, so make sure you've got some financial earnins' in the left or right pocket of your Jnco jeans before heading over.
Crowded on weekends? - not really. Strictly speaking, this is a venue and they do curate some new hot shit every now and then (peace to Laurel Halo and her overrated hogwash), but it's out in Way-the-Fuck, Brooklyn, so whatever.
Seating - a couple sofas that are upholstered in only the finest of pleathers, but everyone knows that catching hepatitis from a damn couch ain't cute, so we'd recommend avoiding. It's grimey like that.
Neighborhood - ok, fine, Shea Stadium BK isn't too far from the Grand St. L stop, but it still somehow feels like it may as well be in Belarus. Seriously, this hood is best described as hurt, burnt & crunchy.
Pretentious/assholes - every cloud though, right? The folks who actually do make it out here are generally down like gravity and we here at Visceralist have yet to have someone run up on us with some ol' bullshit and, in fact, have met some real human beings and some real heroes.
Cost of Stella - they only have cans of bud, bud light & tecate (and a couple bottles of Absolut or somesuch), but they're only like $3, so it all evens out.
What time people start showing up - 3rd opening act o'clock-ish.
Bartender efficiency - the "bar" is essentially a dilapidated fridge stocked with cans of the aforementioned that's guarded by a dude with a coffee can full of $1s. But it works.
Official Website - here. Its professional appearance completely belies the decor of the venue, but that's the world we're living in, par.
Food? How late - BYOF.
TVs? What's on - still surprised that Showtime's "Homeland" has been consistently top-notch throughout its first season and glad that it'll be coming back for another. Hasn't been a show this good on that godforsaken channel since the first season of "Dexter."
Guy:girl ratio - this guy for president (of Scotland).
Toys - they have a balcony that looks out on the street directly below the balcony.
Age of clientele - old enough to genuinely appreciate the societal commentary that the creators of "Homeland" are trying to make.
Space for dancing? - plenty, and they're presumably unencumbered by NYC's cabaret laws out here in Helena, but no one takes advantage. Shame.
Music medium, style & volume - the website features free downloads of recordings of many of the shows held here.
Specials or most popular drink - fucking hate that alcohol is such an effective diuretic.

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Radegast Hall & Biergarten

113 N. 3rd St. (btw Wythe & Berry)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 963-3973

Bathroom situation - way in the back part on the left. Seems like there's usually a line for the women's so here goes a Visceralist pro-tip - the East River is just down the block, so...
Takes credit cards? - with aplomb.
Crowded on weekends? - The Weeknd's "Thursday" was kinda disappointing, no? Still, this guy's still the buzziest unsigned hype since 50, so he'll be ok. Visceralist prediction! Dude signs with some Universal subsidiary. OK, that's boring.
Seating - so this is the big payday here. They have a gang of benches for communal conviviality. Cool! The thing is, tho, that Radegast attracts big groups who'll want to devour a whole bench like everyone other than them hates sitting down. Still and all, just run up on the seats and sit...what are they gonna do, really? Tell on you? "Teacher, teacher! You forgot to give us homework!" Fuck outta here.
Neighborhood - row houses nearby. Not exactly like the B'more trap, but not entirely dissimilar. "How's my hair look? You look good, girl." Oof.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was here on a recent Saturday afternoon and there was a whole big ol' cohort of polo shirts that were acting like they didn't have the sense God gave a mule. Some muthafuckas get a seat at the cool kids table and just lose their damn minds. That ain't bout shit.
Cost of Stella - they have more beers here than Will Arnett has fake hair on his head but Visceralist didn't see Stella listed at first glance, and then got distracted and that was that.
What time people start showing up - afternoons. This is one of those bars that you can tell folks you spent all day at without getting one of those "Oh dear..." looks in response. So what's all that now? Visceralist spends a day off at Welcome to the Johnsons and all of a sudden we're the asshole...oof.
Bartender efficiency - the bar in the main room is well-staffed, so no complaints there. The service in the "garten" area can be downright abominable tho...AND they get pissed if you take some initiative and go get beers at the bar and sit back down. Granted, this is a faux pas when you're at a wait-service table. But if the "service" is neither here nor there, what are you supposed to do? Also, these kinds of problems don't come up at Johnsons...just sayin'.
Official Website - here. Auto-play streaming video on the main page, which is a huge "do not do" but the rest of the site is clean enough.
Food? How late - oh yeah...with all the trimmings.
TVs? What's on - commenters, who you think is gonna get dead in the season finale of Breaking Bad? Someone's gotta go, right? Hope it's not Gus, but it'll prolly be Gus.
Guy:girl ratio - David Cross has this great bit where the punchline is essentially "So there's a baby in the bar. A baby. In the bar." We're butchering it here, but you get the idea.
Toys - dominant costume for H'ween '11 has to be between Jobs and Angry Birds, right? Gosling from Drive may be in the mix too?
Age of clientele - mostly around the realization-that-yes-this-is-all-there-is-...damn age.
Space for dancing? - man, don't even. Like really. Just...no. Please stop.
Music medium, style & volume - oddly, none. So if you happen to hear any, it'll be purely diegetic.
Specials or most popular drink - they have bloody marys here for some reason.

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Berry Park

4 Berry St. (btw Nassau & 14th St.)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-2829

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W units just to the left of the bar in the main room on street level. The M's has a glass holder built into the wall above the throne in the stall. Speaking of which, Visceralist spent hurricane Irene weekend marathoning the first season of Game of Thrones. How ill was that last scene with the dragon babies? You mad, Lannisters?
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says that they ain't 'bout this life here, but Visceralist can confirm that they most certainly are.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist is strictly house partyin' or out-of-townin' on the weekends these days, so we hope you didn't come here expecting a good answer here. If we had to guess though...we wouldn't.
Seating - plentiful.
Neighborhood - commenters, help us out. Anyone got a line on the spot No Name Bar that's around hereabouts? Drop us a line.
Pretentious/assholes - visible boxers is a must.
Cost of Stella - not present. Visceralist mad, bro.
What time people start showing up - back when he bothered showing up, Jamie Foxx told a story on Foxxhole radio about how he was throwing a huge house party (apparently he owns 40 acres in the LA area...replete with an avocado farm that generates enough income to pay the yearly taxes on the entire property) and at some point around 3am there was a turning point where he started going around tapping his guests on the shoulder and saying something like "Yo, it's time for you to make a decision. It's either go time, or time to go time." Meaning the party was about to turn a corner at the intersection of Coke & Lube streets.
Bartender efficiency - moderately understaffed, so...
Official Website - http://www.berryparkbk.com/
Food? How late - seasoned fries, which...
TVs? What's on - apparently the movie "Drive" : 2011 :: "Blue Valentine" : 2010 :: "Inglorious Basterds" :: 2009
Guy:girl ratio - LL Cool BP.
Toys - projector turns the street level main area into a sports bar.
Age of clientele - mostly folks in their mid-Greenpoints.
Space for dancing? - upstairs yes, but it is subtly discouraged.
Music medium, style & volume - disappointing 2nd & 3rd quarters so far. This Drake album better be the shiznick (pronounced like Larry David's dad in that Curb hooker episode where Larry buys weed from Hurley).
Specials or most popular drink - what are we gonna do with all this beeaaaahhhh?!

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Larry Lawrence

295 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 218-7866

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person stalls (aren't they the best?!) in the back. Visceralist makes a concerted effort to take a bathroom photo for each review, and we likely did at Larry Lawrence the last time we were here. However! Our iPhone is so loaded up with bathroom shots at this point that it's sometimes hard to remember which is which. Commenters, help us out with this one.
Takes credit cards? - you know that thing where you start a tab (oh, yeah they do take credit cards here, btw) and then you get another drink and the bartender is like "What's your name?" But it's really loud and you have a weird name? Pro tip! Pull out your iPhone and write your last name out in all caps in Notes then just show it to them. We had great success with this recently, you guys!
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but there's so much damn surface area that it's never really a thing, like.
Seating - 10 or 11 stools at the bar and a few booths that look like they were hewn from some hellafied slabs of oak.
Neighborhood - the part of Wburg that no one really talks about, but has some of the most hellafied restaurants and bars. How is Bushwick getting more love than LoMidBurg, you guys?
Pretentious/assholes - hmmmm...hard to say, you guys. Someone did roll up on us and say "You'd be cuter with more bangs" but we weren't totally sure if that really counted as a neg, so we didn't bother fucking.
Cost of Stella - 6 foot, 7 foot. Anyone watching Wayne's unplugged tomorrow, btw? We don't have cable here at Visceralist HQ, so commenters, help us out again.
What time people start showing up - 11 in the post.
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist was at a bar recently where we started a tab and when we finally went to Hancock that bitch there was an 18% gratuity already included. Now, this wasn't in NYC, but still. And then! there was a line for yet another tip. Wildly inappropriate. So we signed it "Visceralist don't go for the okey doke."
Official Website - here. The "Events" section lets us know that they're open on Thanksgiving at 10pm, but hey...
Food? How late - Walter and Rye are both within a block of LL, so go there for fud.
TVs? What's on - apparently Oprah's highest-rated episode was one from 1993 that was about guys who date older women. But that was before the net-based stratification of entertainment ooptions, so what the hell else were people supposed to do?
Guy:girl ratio - gentlemen, it's summer in NYC! You know what that's about. You know...#prurience
Toys - there's an outdoor area that you have to walk up some damn stairs to get to. It's where people go to smoke light cigarettes and drink diet Coke and listen to Vampire Weekend as part of a healthier lifestyle.
Age of clientele - dirty thirties.
Space for dancing? - how does one dance to LCD Soundsystem, exactly? Not being facetious, like really, how does it work? We're sort of being facetious.
Music medium, style & volume - lots of Vampire Weekend and LCD Soundsystem.
Specials or most popular drink - remember this? "Um, excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema."

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Midway Bar

272 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-1969

Bathroom situation - 2 unisexes in the back and to the left. Pro tip: if you get super pee-shy cuz you know someone's outside, waiting on you to finish (and prolly talking shit about you on Twitter like "God damn, this idiot better not be taking a shit in there. #ruiningitforeveryone"), it can help to idly check Facebook on your smart phone or game out a few different basketball offensive plays in your head....there we go...
Takes credit cards? - yes, and btw, shouts out to getting Visa gift cards in the mail for your bday. #momsarethebest
Crowded on weekends? - so this place opened only a couple months ago and has pretty poor signage and Hipster Runoff hasn't yet come across any photos of any 'relevant' scenesters here to make fun of, so it should be fine for a while.
Seating - they have a pool table you could prolly lean up on...and also a bunch of bar stools and seats and all that normal bar shit that everyone knows about.
Neighborhood - literally on the border between North & South Wburg. Yellow cabs roll through the area often enough that hailing one can be harder than ripping open a condom wrapper, but definitely easier than putting one on properly. #fuckthisshit
Pretentious/assholes - since Trump has had a monopoly on this characteristic in NYC over the past few weeks and he'd prolly fly into a tasmanian devil-like frenzy of pearl-clutching at the mere suggestion that he set foot in here, there shouldn't be anything to worry about for a while.
Cost of Stella - commenters, remind us to steal one of those Stella-branded glasses next time we come across one, cuz we want one that we can keep at Visceralist HQ that we can adore and fuck and brag about. #stellasaprettybitch
What time people start showing up - late, because this place is prolly catching a lot of the nearby Clem's overflow.
Bartender efficiency - one of Visceralist's buddies recently got one of the bartender's phone numbers, which seemed like quite the coup at the time, but then kinda just went nowhere. #lackadaisical
Official Website - not yet, you guys. Granted, they're pretty new, but there's still no excuse for just not having a web presence at this point.
Food? How late - uff da, those "Texas-style BBQ Ribs" they had in the cafeteria here at Visceralist HQ today have been throwing a tantrum in our digestive system all afternoon. #andthataintcute
TVs? What's on - nope. Btw, commenters, is Treme any good? Worth investing in? We already got "Game of Thrones" and "The Killing" locked in and are pretty busy otherwise, so just wondering if we should bother cutting out showering/shaving to make time for it. #behonest
Guy:girl ratio - the decor here is similar enough to the nearby Turkey's Nest, so just think about the last time you were there and extrapolate accordingly.
Toys - so, is Trumps hair just an insanely extensive comb-over or (even worse?) a piece designed to look like a terrible comb-over? God, just imagine what kind of a mess he looks like getting out of the pool. Or don't.
Age of clientele - wait, what's the new 30? Is it 50 now? So what is 30? The new 18? What's that? Why are we asking? Don't worry about our lives, that's why.
Space for dancing? - don't you even dare.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a jukebox cuz they know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they're a thing that people still like.
Specials or most popular drink - Serious, you gotta remind us about that Stella glass thing. Leave a message in the comments with your email and we'll give you our mobile details.

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The Woods

48 S. 4th St. (btw Kent & Wythe Aves)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-4955

Bathroom situation - 4 single-person utility closets secluded just around the corner the middle of the bar. Usually a line, but it usually moves faster than that line when you're running late and the thought of that McDonald's steak & egg bagel is hitting all the right buttons. Fuck!
Takes credit cards? - yes, if you don't mind your card being lost so hard that it's primary concern becomes "Why the fuck is there a polar bear on this island!?"
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, and this is why The Woods catches so much flackjackets. Fridays & Saturdays are a fucking ancient Mesopotamian market place on Black Friday, but still. So there's that. Ok. So we know this. Um. How bout there are other days in the week tho? God.
Seating - stools at the bar and booths against the wall, but this place has never really been about that. If you really can't stomach standing up the entire time you spend here, thinking up reasons not to talk to that cute chick/dude over there, then you deserve all the grumpies that come in the box you just bought.
Neighborhood - yeah, so this place abutts the East River like it's trying to make rent, but still. It ain't thaaaat far from the Bedford L. Still, no cabs 'round here, so make sure you didn't come to that party here with those "sort of" friends who might leave your desperate ass.
Pretentious/assholes - if you're at a spot on a damn Saturday night and there isn't anyone there who sounds like a walking/talking Hipster Runoff...then you ain't anywhere.
Cost of Stella - unfortunately, Visceralist was too aggy to really get into this last time we were here, but it's prolly like $5-6. [ed. that's technically not libelous because he's an idiot]
What time people start showing up - "Called up the homeys and I'm asking y'all / Which court, are y'all playin basketball?" - O'shea Jackson c' 1996.
Bartender efficiency - the interior of this place is more spacious than those UFOs that helped build the pyramids (both Egyptian and Mayan), so the bartenders (usually 2 at a time) are facing significant challenges every night, but they still keep shit moving like a lactose-intolerant Packers fan's lower intestine after 2/6/11.
Official Website - they ain't got that...you can check Google to double-check Visceralist cuz you don't trust us, but please double back when you realize that we're right. We love being right.
Food? How late - you can get some tacos out back when it's nice and warm. None of that was a euphemism.
TVs? What's on - unless TV is some new kind of STD that only the cool kids are getting....
Guy:girl ratio - if you're worried about this, you're most likely reading this from a place where it won't matter cuz you won't go to The Woods and you'll never know The Woods...so stay the fuck out of The Woods (shouts out to Treach & Co.)
Toys - presumably, if they were ever to hold a wedding reception here, they could do that thing where the awkward lanky dude dances ironically to "Come On Eileen" and then everyone else could make fun of how happy he seems. But that's a big if.
Age of clientele - well, the guy's are old enough to where they're used to saying "...so is that a 'no'?"
Space for dancing? - oh yes they did do it.
Music medium, style & volume - you've heard of Muse, right?
Specials or most popular drink - you can upgrade the traditional $5 beer+shot to top-shelf for an additional dollar. Eh?

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