Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Best of 2010

Album: Kanye West - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"
Song: Sleigh Bells "Crown On The Ground"
Movie: Inception
TV: Breaking Bad
Book: Savages
New NYC Bar: Hotel Chantelle
Visceralist's Bathroom Experience: Cooper Square Hotel
Sports Event: The Decision
Book Review: NYTimes on Mark Twain's "Autobiography of Mark Twain: Volume 1"
Mobile App: Netflix
Art: Kehinde Wiley x 2010 World Cup
Gizmo: iPhone 4
Clothing: Reason

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Cabin Down Below

110 Avenue A (entrance on 7th btw A & B)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 614-9798

Bathroom situation
- 2 single-person units right next to the bar. There is a constant, unyielding line at all times, so as much as you may want to listen to a little bit of "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" while you're peeing, do not do because people are waiting and looking awkward.
Takes credit cards? - yeah and for some reason this place reminds Visceralist of the scene in "Dig!" where the singer from The Dandy Warhols was talking about his band's recoupment status with their label and says "We were so in the black it's not even funny." As if. Cunt. *dead*
Crowded on weekends? - fuck yeah, man.
Seating - the set up is like a restaurant, and they have these booths that are mad claustrophobic like on some "Or else it gets the hose again" shit.
Neighborhood - belly of the beast, muhfucka.
Pretentious/assholes - fuck yeah, man. Tons of singers from The Dandy Warhols here.
Cost of Stella - they're mostly about cocktails here, so don't get gas-faced asking for a beer here like some simpin'-ass hook.
What time people start showing up - as befits this spot's speakeasy facade, the cool kids wouldn't be caught dead here before 3am.
Bartender efficiency - The Cabin Down Below has an unfortunate bottle-neck problem near the bar because it's so small, but the 'tenders here are gasp! surprisingly adept at pourin' that poison.
Official Website - Visceralist is of the opinion that every place, even "speakeasies", should have some type of web-presence. But a lot of managements seem to think it helps their allure to avoid this altogether. They're wrong.
Food? How late - apparently the entrance to this place used to be through some random backdoor in a pizza place around the corner. Thank God they peace'd that pretentious bullshit.
TVs? What's on - best show of '10? Welp, Visceralist loved Boardwalk Empire, but mostly for the gangsta shit that Jimmy got into...Mad Men had their best season, true, but nothing was fucking with the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul for President.
Guy:girl ratio - it's a gang of foxxy mommas here.
Toys - they have candles here, so you can do that game that everyone knows about where you take turns pouring hot wax on your hand and see who flinches first.
Age of clientele - Visceralist will (hopefully) be 40 someday, so we really shouldn't talk shit, but...c'mon son.
Space for dancing? - This.
Music medium, style & volume - if Visceralist ever comes here not wasted up the fuck, we'll let you know.
Specials or most popular drink - $12 cocktails...I know, right?

View Larger Map

Thursday, December 9, 2010


40 Avenue C (btw E. 3rd & E. 4th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-1049

Bathroom situation
- 4 single-person unisex walk-in closets right to the left of the dance floor. This is an unfortunate design flaw cuz who wants to have to have to account for 1 or 2 4-person queues in the middle of the dance floor when you're prepping your Dougie, Jerk, 2-step or what-have you? Nadie, that's who.
Takes credit cards? - this place is still fairly new, so prolly not, but they do appear to have those touch-screens that have the drinks pre-loaded, so they just press a button and all of a sudden you're out that $8 cash that you were hoping would last til the end of Thursday night, or at least til 1:30 am Thursday night when your direct deposit finally hits your account.
Crowded on weekends? - so this place had a wild opening night which attracted international superstars like Matthew Broderick and Anderson Cooper's bf. Things seem to have cooled down since then, but don't be surprised if the place is nuts-to-butts on account of a Ted Danson sighting that's got Twitter going crazy. #SamMaloneInTheBuilding
Seating - Bedlam features a slightly longer-than-your-average bar, so it's a grip of stools at the bar. 4 or 5 loungey booths opposite the bar. Then there's a backroom that's completely swagged out with couches, sofas AND davenports. Get it how you live!
Neighborhood - the part of alphabet city that's still probably fine, but has become a little "ehhh, iffy" since the recession hit.
Pretentious/assholes - the cunt clique doesn't generally venture out to Avenue C too often, and when they do it's usually to "check out" Zum Schneider, NuBlu or Sunburnt Cow. Doesn't appear that they've re-upholstered Bedlam's pussy yet.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was here for the Fader new issue release party the other night and the open bar was only on bottles of Bud (no shots), so we didn't get to check its Stemperature. Next time.
What time people start showing up - so the decor here is extremely taxidermy-heavy. Reminiscent in some ways of Freeman's but like that but on coke for a few hours and can't stop talking about how much taxidermy is unfairly maligned "these days" and how they're gonna "bring it back." Eh.
Bartender efficiency - way more efficient at serving drinks than Salem is at figuring out when a song should fucking end. Like by a fucking order of magnitude.
Official Website - not yet, but we know they have it in them.
Food? How late - they have food here like Home Depot has food there. Like, you could probably eat some of the stuff in there, but...
TVs? What's on - nah, so you'll have to stick to Hulu and Netflix streaming [ed. shouts out to them getting the full LOST catalog again soon].
Guy:girl ratio - remember that Black Rob song "Whoa?" Well, it's goin' down like whoa here at Bedlam.
Toys - the backroom apparently transforms into a quasi-VIP section on the weekends, so the marachino-cherry dart game can definitely be in effect mode.
Age of clientele - young enough to be confused as to why there's a huge [ed. like way too huge] moose head jutting 5 feet out of the wall, overlooking the proceedings and going like "SMH."
Space for dancing? - yes! A dedicated dance floor just past the bar. It's pretty comfy-cozy, but if that new David Guetta is really releasing the right endorphins in your brain-box, then just go for it.
Music medium, style & volume - what Visceralist has been told is "progressive house" coming from the DJ boof.
Specials or most popular drink - RIP NYC 4Loko (2010). Pour out a sip of Sparks.

View Larger Map

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Narrows

1037 Flushing Ave (btw Morgan & Wilson)
Brooklyn, NY 11237

Bathroom situation
- two single-person unisex joints in arrears.
Takes credit cards? - the fuck outta here with that ol' bullshit. This. Right here. Is Bushwick.
Crowded on weekends? - The Narrows [ed. presumably] takes its name from its letter I-shaped floor plan, so there's barely enough space to do a convincing Dougie dance, so there's barely enough room for it to get too crowded.
Seating - 8 or 9 bolted-to-the-flo' stools at the bar and a small booth in the front. Plus some kind of backyard that wasn't open the last time Visceralist was there.
Neighborhood - as alluded to above, this is what could be considered the swagged-out section of only a few scary warehouses. No yellow cabs, but you already knew that.
Pretentious/assholes - certainly not as many as were in the stands last night when Lebron was roasting the Cavs so tough.
Cost of Stella - The Narrows prides itself on serving "craft beers" so asking for a Stella will get you one of them looks. You know the look. The "well why don't you call the wahmbulance" look. It's all gucci, though.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hates the phrase "drips and drabs" cuz it's not even a real phrase [ed. says the person who's still trying to coin "There it is, Elizabeth...there it is."], but it seems appropriate here.
Bartender efficiency - the specialty cocktails they serve here are somewhat involved as far as prep, but the gents here are adept enough, so it's not like the sun will explode before you get your drink, unlike at Delmano [ed. damn, shots fired].
Official Website - here. Sparse than a muhfugga.
Food? How late - Visceralist came here based on the recommendation of a bartender at the nearby Roberta's. Fun fact! Roberta's was inspired by best-pizza-in-the-US-supplier Pepe's.
TVs? What's on - Boardwalk Empire has its issues, sure, but you know you can't front on how goddamn gangsta it gets some times. You know this.
Guy:girl ratio - seemed fairly even the other night. Btw, this is some hot shit.
Toys - well, the bartender's hair looked like it was cut with some Legos, so they may have some of those in the back.
Age of clientele - the usual.
Space for dancing? - he may be is a fucking cunt, but Chris Brown does a mean Dougie [ed. FF to 2:57]
Music medium, style & volume - how the fuck did Fergie make it onto "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"? Does she really have juice like that? Cuz you know Kanye wasn't like, "Yo, you know what this fucking amazingly awesome track needs? That one chick that the label forced the Black Eyed Peas to add in order to seem more mainstream."
Specials or most popular drink - a Bud + Jameson shot or a Sol + Jalapeno Tequila shot for $6.

View Larger Map

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hotel Chantelle

92 Ludlow St. (btw Delancey & Broome)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9100

Bathroom situation
- Visceralist seems to recall that there are a M & W just to the right of the bar, but there are definitely 2 unisex units immediately to your left when you enter. Fuckin strong drinks, on some Four Loko shit [ed. see, we got references for yo' ass!]. They're all perfectly reasonable, but seem a tad flimsy for a place that's so clearly trying so hard to project that certain je ne fuckin sais quois.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but the bartender's eye-roll the other night told us loudly and clearly that they do not like having to do that thing where you put $15 on one card and the rest on another cuz you're close to your limit on the first one. Fuckers all uppity like they haven't ever used a Coinstar.
Crowded on weekends? - so, Hotel Chantelle is apparently still in the midst of a soft-opening. This, coupled with the fact that the entrance is one of those where you're like "Wait, is this a place...? I see lights, but I'm not sure if people are in there" means that it's still primarily frequented by folks who like to think that they're in-the-know. This will all change drastically once the button-down-clique catches a whiff of it, trust. So, to answer the question at hand, nope.
Seating - apparently the restaurant area of Chantelle seats upwards of 300, but that portion either isn't open to the public yet or just wasn't open to Visceralist the other night. Either way, if you have a problem finding a seat here, you. are. a. loser!
Neighborhood - if the LES has an area that's comparable to that part of Greenpoint that's just warehouses and regret, this is it. That said, it is still the fucking LES, so you know: no problem finding a cab, jakes in uniforms and out of uniforms & dried puke on the sidewalk.
Pretentious/assholes - we really shouldn't say "hell yes" based solely on the fact that this place will inevitably be a douchecunt-magnet in like a month or so...but hell yes.

Cost of Stella - no Stella here, but we'd like to take this opportunity to let y'all know that this post is officially brought to you by Four Loko, Lemonade Flavor. The first sip was a muhfuh, but it's no worse than like a strong Sparks/Smirnoff better either.
What time people start showing up - during the week...they don't. Weekends, prolly like 10-11pm. Again, this place is really easy to miss, so Visceralist's advice is to just walk south on Ludlow and once you cross Delancey, stay on the East side of the street and just keep your head turned to your left, and when you get to a set of double-doors with mock-crystal doorhandles, you're there. Don't be shy.
Bartender efficiency - not so sure about the efficiency, but dude was genuinely nice & helpful last time we were there (he'll prolly get fired when his boss reads this, though).
Official Website - nah, per the aforementioned je ne sais quois. Fuck a Twitter feed anyway [ed. that's the Loko talking.]
Food? How late - they don't have any yet, but a 5-star review on Yelp! (that's clearly written by someone connected to the "Hotel") claims "The food featured (when the kitchen opens) will be a mixture from all of the colonies France once called their own."
TVs? What's on - no, but the Hulu Plus app is only $7.99 a month now (*cough* triflin *cough), so feel free to bust that out on a date and then just sit back and let the blowjobs roll in.
Guy:girl ratio - this place isn't quite to the point yet where you have to come with at least one lady friend to get in (we said "yet!"), but despite this, it's still not a total dick facocktory.
Toys -'s dark enough and the booths provide enough cover to play with your significant other's privates under the table. People still do that, right? [ed. yeah, people who jerk off to Hoda & Kathie Lee]
Age of clientele - people old enough to be able to be able to pay for two cocktails with one credit card. So, like 40+ [ed. damn, we pay you enough now that you can come up off of WIC and still complaining...smh].
Space for dancing? - um, maybe if you know how to do the watoozie or the inka-dink. [ed. what did we tell you about those references?!]
Music medium, style & volume - if you haven't listened to Kanye's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" at least 5 times by now, then you haven't listened to music. And fuck you.
Specials or most popular drink - so, this is like a real cocktail lounge like Death & Co. or the Delmano or suchlike. Extrapolate from that what you will.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 2

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 1

Das Racist at Pianos 10/19/10.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010


7 Rivington St. (btw Bowery & Chrystie)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7077

Bathroom situation
- 2 single-use rooms on the right just before you reach the hostess' stand [ed. damn, why's it gotta be a hostESS? Huh? Fuckin' better watch it with that chauvinist bullshit 'round here]. Guys, make sure you put the seat down when you're done, goddammit! How many times do you have to be told!?
Takes credit cards? - yeah, and btw why does Chase have the most pointless Rewards Points program out of all of them? These points don't do shit for the Door Close button on an elevator.
Crowded on weekends? - shit, like Visceralist would know. Nobody goes to places with addresses on the weekends anymore. The fuck outta here with that bullshit...
Seating - 8-10 stools at the bar in front, 4 high-top tables in front too. A gang of biergarten-style tables in the wait-service area in back and a small outdoor backyard. Plenty to go around, so put your butt on something!!
Neighborhood - right in the midst of downtown Manhattan's restaurant supply store rainforest. Generally no problem catching a cab on Bowery tho, so no need for the machete [ed. smh, extending that metaphor was a nah-nah].
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, you'll likely find some Chads & Beckys here who breathed a sigh of relief when they read about Shepard Fairey's, like, fave spots in NYC, cuz it's like an official co-sign that, yes, they have been going to the right downtown "Spots" all these years. *fist bump*
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here, but holy hell, why didn't anyone ever tell Visceralist about this heavenly pilsner they call Radeberger?! Peace, Stella. You will always be forgotten.
What time people start showing up - dinnertime most nights....if it's a weekend night, they'll stick around til late night...if not, deuces.
Bartender efficiency - the dude here the other night was a bit ditsy, but otherwise reasonably apt. He accidentally knocked his iPod (aka the evening's DJ/Jukebox) on the ground, but it's a good thing most Apple products are totally shatter-resis...ohh...
Official Website - here. As NYC bar sites go, it's wayyyy ahead of the pack, but shit, is it really this hard for bars (or any company, really) to actually put some effort into its Web 2.0 presence? Web 3.0 is coming, kids, and it's 'bout to be a cold winter for some of y'all....#generalizedshotsfired.
Food? How late - some of us here at Visceralist were fed sauerkraut as kids in day-care (i.e. at roughly 6 years old). That shit'll stay with you...
TVs? What's on - one or two above the bar in front. Mostly showing Premiere League shit, which is so "Really?!" that it's as played-out and obvious as SNL's "Really?!" Weekend Update shit has become.
Guy:girl ratio - who really pays attention to this shit anymore....
Toys - they have a downstairs lounge area for private parties, but Yelp says that the Loreley staff stays droppin' the ball like Brett Favre's recently-became-a-grandfather ass when it comes to coordinating logistics for downstairs private parties, so beware.
Age of clientele - mostly the age that really [ed. REALLY] should be planning on voting in the upcoming midterms, but really [ed. REALLY] won't.
Space for dancing? - maybe downstairs? Not sure, they lost Visceralist's reservation...then! acted like Visceralist was at fault. Now, Visceralist was at fault, but you don't have to modulate your voice to the point where all our friends who were standing around can actually hear you explaining exactly how we Brett Favre'd that night up. Damn, couldn't you see that we were trying to get with that one chick in the scarf that night? Sheeit.
Music medium, style & volume - bartender's iPod (like the old one that holds like 250 gigs or whatever...damn, they still make those? Bartenders that have those, we mean).
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some kind of beer or something.

View Larger Map

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


35 Canal St. (btw Essex & Ludlow)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 475-5505

Bathroom situation
- two single-person unisex powda rooms in the back and to the right. One has a sliding door that is apparently super seriously difficult to lock [ed. apologies for bustin' in like that the other night...we didn't see anything we haven't seen before, promise].
Takes credit cards? - oui, bien sur, mon frere.
Crowded on weekends? - any chance the hipsters-in-basketball-jerseys thing will come back next summer now that the NYTimes has published an article about it? The $7 Visceralist recently spent on a Jordan 23 Wizards jersey really hopes so.
Seating - seats for days. Like, summer days. Like, if you can't find something here to hold your ass roughly 2.5-3.5 feet off the ground, you're just being a hater.
Neighborhood - the gentrifyin' part of Chinatown. FYI, the late-nite buses go every whicha-way 'round make sure your phone has some GPS up in its guts.
Pretentious/assholes - if there are any fuckin' cunts here, they hide it like they're playing hide-n-seek in an old vacant lot and they chose the old broken-down fridge as their spot cuz their parents and/or school never showed them that one PSA video with the anthropomorphic bears.
Cost of Stella - $6...bottles only.
What time people start showing up - oh, and they will show up whenever. If you know someone who knows someone here, you can come by after all the other bars close...
Bartender efficiency - last time Visceralist was here, some asshole was buying drinks for us, so you'd have to ask his bitch-ass.
Official Website - here. Spartan, out-of-date, and considering this place is allegedly a wine bar, could seriously use a list of drinks on offer, but whatevers.
Food? How late - you saw how the Heat roasted the Pistons last night like they were some damn pigs on a spit?! Oooooh, it's finna be a hot winter.
TVs? What's on - deuces!
Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist has seen some dudes here in untucked button-ups so keep your guard up, ladies and don't fall for the okey-doke.
Toys - one of the bathrooms has a sliding door.
Age of clientele - the wise-beyond-their-years set. Now, Visceralist knows that phrase is usually some ol' bullshit that overweight and ugly writers latch onto when they're under deadline, but we actually really mean rilly tho. Like forealdo.
Space for dancing? - not with all the seats, unfortch!
Music medium, style & volume - can't remember, but next time we're here, we'll record it on our iPhone's voice-recorder app and upload it here as an update [ed. now you know good and well you will never do that...why must you lie to these nice people so?]
Specials or most popular drink - something called the Clandestino Rose.

View Larger Map

Thursday, September 30, 2010


312 Grand Street (btw Havemayer & Roebling)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 486-3473

Bathroom situation
- 1 M & 1 W in the back and downstairs, both of which are perfectly adequate. There is also, however, a semi-hidden single-person room at the top of the steps that's roomy as a smooth pair of sweatpants. Plus, because the door blends into the wall so seamlessly, it goes unnoticed and is often empty. Careful though, cuz the slot-sliding lock is as finicky as a kitten in an ill-fitting pumpkin costume. Just make sure to push the lock alllll the way in...and push it real good.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and if you're nice to the bartenders they may even see their way clear to "forget" that third pitcher, Drunky McGoo. Now get outta here and impress someone with your wit, you suave so-and-so, you!
Crowded on weekends? - depends on how late in the season it is and whether or not the Big Ten's been beastin' on 'em.
Seating - a whole heap o' seats. If you can't find a seat here, you have failed at life.
Neighborhood - the borderline between "scary" Wburg & hairy Wburg. Cuz this is real! Nah but really, if you're scared of the S. 1st - S6th area, you need to breath in deeply, step away from your Google Reader for a sec and then go fuck yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - a few Michigan fans in attendance here every now and then [ed. like they own the damn place], but it ain't that serious.
Cost of Stella - two field goal attempts, 8 arms up.
What time people start showing up - usually in time to catch the 3:30 game.
Bartender efficiency - mad competent to the break o' dawn. The highlight of this place is the bartenders' attentiveness. And plus! They're nice and personable, like we've heard Leonardo is in person.
Official Website - here. Clicking this link will take you to a site that has a clip-art pic of a coat-rack with a message that says "This site has stepped out for a bit." Pretty piss-poor, but the aforementioned bartender all-around awesomeness more than makes up for this brazen ball-droppin'.
Food? How late - dear god, yes. Upon first glance, the menu appears to be standard bar-food bullshit, but there's gold in them-thar hills, please believe it (believe it, please).
TVs? What's on - flat-screens for days. If you can't find the game you wanna see on one of the screens here, you misread the schedule on, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - well, it's a sports bar, so you know...mostly super-cute mousy chicks.
Toys - clownin' on any Notre Dame fans that happen to be in the building.
Age of clientele - exactly 25-35 year olds.
Space for dancing? - no real dancing here, but no calls for flagrant celebrating either, so get. it. cah-rackin!
Music medium, style & volume - what's that song about how Michigan sucks at football? No, not that one, the other one., not those, those are great, but there's this other one...fuuuckkk. Hold on, lemme check Michipedia...
Specials or most popular drink - $10 pitchers of Bud or BudLight on gameday(s).

View Larger Map

Saturday, September 25, 2010


There is none iller.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane - "The Appeal: Georgia's Most Wanted"

Look at this fucking average piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Das Racist's new one "Sit Down, Man" is officially That New Hot Shit. Free download here.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Video: Lil Wayne "I'm Not a Human Being"

"I'm Not a Human Being" EP drops 9/27 (Tunechi's bday!). Tracklist.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Interpol - "Say Hello to the Angels" (live)

From the Music Hall of Williamsburg - 9/10/10

Friday, September 10, 2010

Lit Lounge

93 2nd Ave (btw 5th & 6th)
New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7987

Bathroom situation
- hold it in or go to Dempsey's down the street. Seriously, just..ugh. Fuck.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but do you really want your card sitting in the muck and the mire that accumulates on the counter-top here. Do you? Someone told us that that's how rubella got started back in the day [ed. damn, when was the last time you heard about some rubella?]
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and this is likely the main reason why this place reeks of sweat (among other similarly malodorous funks) 100% of the time. This place seriously must be fuckin' allergic to Glade Plug-ins.
Seating - the usual complement of chairs at the bar, a few tables in back and an egregiously out-of-place plush sofa downstairs. When Visceralist was here the other night there were 2 random dudes layin' out on the sofa like they were some damn maharishis and giving us the most laid-back mean mug we've seen this side of of a G-Dep video.
Neighborhood - smack-dab in the middle of what is likely the noisiest stretch of the East Village [ed. 'smack-dab?' really? is Heathcliff Huxtable ghostwriting this shit now?]
Pretentious/assholes - you know that thing where someone in a group of people a few feet away from you looks over at you, then looks back to their friends, rolls their eyes and laughs?
Cost of Stella - if you think for one single solitary minute that they clean their draft-to-keg tubes as regularly as they should, then I've got a 6 ft. tall invisible rabbit buddy to introduce you to [ed. OK, you've really gotta step up these references. The next category's entry had better reference something that's at least as current as the Obama administration.]
What time people start showing up - Beer o'clock! Now beer me that Smirnoff Ice so I can go Ice my brah.
Bartender efficiency - actually, not terrible. Just don't make hand-contact...and hold your glass/bottle with a napkin separating your dermis from anything his hand may have touched. The more you know!
Official Website - here. They have a list of "Bands Hoove Played" there. Yes, "hoove." Give to your local Parent-Teacher Association, people.
Food? How late - remember when they used to call puking "hurling" in the 90s...and then that sort of got sublimated into "erlin'" in the early '00s.
TVs? What's on - if they don't have the budget for toilet paper in the bathrooms or even a damn bottle of Pine Sol, why in the fuck would they have a TV going.
Guy:girl ratio - generally 50:50 and probably the only reason people still come here is that it does tend to attract a fair share of better-than-your-average looking young folk...talkin' 'bout their young stuff.
Toys - there's a stripper pole downstairs. Oh, also, they allegedly let people smoke whatever they please til whenever in the morning.
Age of clientele - too young to give a shit and/or know any better. Just remember kids, lust is fleeting, but those bumps'll come back every fall like the NBA.
Space for dancing? - jeah jeah jeah jeah. This is actually mostly what this place is known for. Kids stay gettin' it crackin' on the dance floor...downstairs and upstairs.
Music medium, style & volume - they have loud-as-omg bands downstairs every so often, but usually the music emanates from both the upstairs and downstairs DJ booths. Apparently, Telly from Kids and Johnny from the Wire spin on Saturday nights.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, it smells like foot funk mixed with skunk farts in here most of the time. Grimey as all hell. They should change their name from Lit Lounge to Grimey as A Bucket of Ballsack Lounge. SMH.

View Larger Map


Friday, September 3, 2010


157 Avenue C
New York, NY 10009
(212) 254-6600

Bathroom situation
- SMGDH. There's 1 M & 1 W single-person safe-deposit boxes just past the bar. Last time Visceralist was here (on a Friday nite), the line for the M was longer than the W's, and was even moving slower (no, like seriously). Several times, Visceralist said "Eff this ess" and went to the bar across the street, which turned out to be substantially quicker. And, the one time we decided to actually wait in line for the M, we wound up waiting for a solid 10 mins, knocking on the door several times to no avail. Gentlemen, just for your own reference, there is no reason you should ever in your whole worthless life spend more than 1.5 mins in a bar bathroom (unless you're smooshin' [ed. that term better stand the test of time]). Come to find that the culprit was a barback who actually spent that whole time trying unsuccessfully to fix the fucking terlit, which was now busted, thank you very much (and can you wait another minute?). Now, presumably this doesn't happen every single night of the week, but when it comes to bathrooms, once is way, way, way too many times.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, their site says no, and Visceralist doesn't really remember. In any event, they do have a fine assortment of $3 & $4 beers, so a card may not really be necessary, depending on how liquid your portfolio is.
Crowded on weekends?- the back-porch region is gullyrific (to be specific), so yeah, expect to do some shoulder-first walkin'.
Seating - Royale is a tiddly bit more restauranty than most bars in the area, so the seating (if you include the outdoor area in the back) is ample like Madea's bosom.
Neighborhood - the part of the EV that seems to be degentrifying of late, but is still mostly fine until like 1am-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was choppin' it up with a few dudes in the line for the restroom on a recent visit and, though they were most definitely some ol' "I like a wide variety of music...except for country & rap" type muhs, they seemed mostly harmless.
Cost of Stella - same price as what Visceralist paid for the new Interpol album (which is that new hot shit, btw) $6.
What time people start showing up - when Visceralist arrived here at 11pm on the aforementioned Friday, it was already heaving like Martin Lawrence's bosom in those Big Momma's House movies.
Bartender efficiency - we spent most of our time in the wayyy back part of the porch area, and thus were restricted to wait-service. The waitress did a perfectly acceptable job of handling our relatively large group though, so we'll refrain from our usual bickering.
Official Website - here. The flash interface could use some bug-testing and the wholly unnecessary Links section has been "coming soon" for a while, but otherwise it's mad adequate.
Food? How late - so, Royale sometimes shows up in those "Best Burgers in NYC" lists, and we can see why (put any ol' bullshit on a brioche bun these days and you're a fucking contender). But honestly, you'd be better off just sticking with the liquid burgers (i.e. beer) [ed. ok, that joke doesn't work on any level...but hey, Lebron doesn't make every shot]
TVs? What's on - from their Yelp page: "We now have a 55" flat screen tv in the heated backyard showing all major sporting events daily. Come catch up with your favorite team!" So, that's a thing.
Guy:girl ratio - probably close to the male:female ratio in the infamous dinner scene in the Eddie Murphy version of "The Nutty Professor."
Toys - nothing to update your Facebook status about.
Age of clientele - remember that scene in Coming to America where Hakeem and Semi go out to a nightclub in Queens and they meet a bunch of different chicks and one of them is Arsenio in drag who says "I wanna tear you apart...and your friend too." Most of the folks here are roughly as old as those characters.
Space for dancing? - don't bother.
Music medium, style & volume - negligible.
Specials or most popular drink - in a perfect bar, Stellas would be $3/pint until 10pm and $5 thereafter. Also, there'd never be any bathroom lines (still can't believe that bullshit...). Royale is pleasant enough, but far from a perfect bar.

View Larger Map


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane ft. Swizz Beatz "Gucci Time"

Beat is vaguely reminiscent of Swizz' "It's Me Bitches", but they still killt's got dumb 808s and the taste of maple syrup baked right in. Gully juice.

Youtube link.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Porch

115 Ave. C (btw E. 7th & E. 8th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-1515

Bathroom situation
- 2 unisex salons on the street level. Both with surprisingly and inappropriately fancy sinks. Kinda like a chick wearing "fuck-me" boots [ed. we here at Visceralist do not condone this term...cuz it's dumb played's basically the Eat Pray Love of the footwear lexicon] to a bar in the meatpacking district and who also happens to have a great sense of humor (like, as in they appreciate the finest in British and American comedy) and an upbeat, nigh-on midwestern attitude. And does coke.
Takes credit cards? - nah, playboy. And Visceralist found out the hard way when we bought a drink for ourselves and a buddy and flashed the Buffalo Wild Wings MasterCard like "Can we start a tab?", and the bartender was like, "Whoa, whoa whoa..." More on this later.
Crowded on weekends?- Visceralist has only been here during the workaday live-long week, so not sure. Commenters?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a few cushioned table setups in the back. Porch's other claim to fame is having a large outdoor area with only the finest in wooden seating. Seriously, they have like a gazebo and suchlike. Plus there's an upstairs area with a fireplace and its own patio...or "porch" if you will. The upstairs area is open as erratically as the Yankee Doodle was in its depressing last year tho...shame.
Neighborhood - unfortunately, NYC seems to be gettin a little bit more brolic in, yeah, you might get accosted by someone swinging a bike chain, eye-fucking you and telling you to "Say something....Say something!". Eghk. The scary-alphabet-city thing has been done, dude. What's next? Fannypacks and slap-bracelets? The fuck outta here with all that there...
Pretentious/assholes - surprisingly, not much of an issue.
Cost of Stella -$6.
What time people start showing up- mostly on the weekends, but even that seems iffy. Come on by and pull up a seat, dammit.
Bartender efficiency - ok, so as mentioned above, Visceralist is told by the bartender that they don't take credit cards. Fine. Bartender says there's an atm right behind Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist turns around and gets fucked by out-of-network ATM fees. Fine. Visceralist turns back around and hands bartender a Jackson to pay for drinks. Fine. Bartender gives someone else change and blanks on Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist points out that bartender owes him some paypa. Fine. Bartender says "You didn't give me a $20." Ain't this about a bitch. Muthafucka, you just told me to go to the ATM, ATMs only give out $20s, I just paid for this drink. The fuck you think we paid with?! Visceralist insists he did pay with a $20. Bartender relents, but eye-rolls Visceralist back into the 1800s. Sheesh. NYC Bartenders...YOU ARE NOT SACROSANCT!
Official Website - here. Their menu is a 7MB pdf. SMMFH.
Food? How late - apparently something, but Visceralist was waiting for their 7Mb pdf menu to download...and then the Sun swallowed the Earth 5 billion years later and it was still downloading, so...
TVs? What's on- well, they have karaoke on Thurs nights, so, mostly white text against a blue background.
Guy:girl ratio - can you believe Don slept with his assistant and then a week or so later she's (apparently) all good with it? Fuck. The '60s were a muhfuh.
Toys- you could prolly bounce a basketball once or twice against the wood-grain in the back without getting kicked out.
Age of clientele - Jay-Z's like 45 years old now, but he's still the coolest muhfuh in NYC, so what does that tell you?
Space for dancing? - yeah, in the back.
Music medium, style & volume- Visceralist came here on a Karaoke night recently and there was way too much Bruce & "Come On Eileen" and really, we should start a start that's just about songs that should not be done via karaoke. Or maybe a twitter...commenters?
Specials or most popular drink - if you actually get accurate change back without having to make a scene, you're way ahead of Visceralist, so....what does that tell you?

Also, we looked up the word "Profligate" on before writing this, but never found a good spot to squeeze it in. Whatever, we still want credit. Maybe it's a good adjective to describe the triflin' bartender...we don't know. Commenters?

View Larger Map

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Review: The Game - "Brake Lights"

Since there's only 3 worthwhile songs on this mixtape, it's roughly 85% LATFWPOS. "You Are the Blood" is officially that new hot shit though, so...2 piece and the biscuit.

Get it here.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


285 Bedford Ave (btw S 1st St. & Grand St.)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-5965

Bathroom situation
- 3 or 4 unisex single-person units in the back with a communal sink. So, question-time commenters, when you see a guy & girl come out of one of the b-rooms together, do you think it's more likely they're doing coke or doing the pants-on-the-ground lambada (that's the forbidden dance)? Cuz they damn sure ain't doin both. Food for thought, but Visceralist gets annoyed either way.
Takes credit cards? - (Teddy Riley voice) Yep Yep.
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, the weekend is when this spot gets sweaty. The bouncers do a good job of keeping it from getting downright unruly, but "accidental" ass grabs will def be a must, trust.
Seating - this place prolly has one of the highest booth : square-foot ratios of any bar of its kind in the wburg diaspora. That said, you'll still have almost no chance of getting a seat at one unless your clique got there sometime that's not up in the between 11pm and 2am [ed. the grammar police just called in the grammar SWAT team after reading that sentence...smh].
Neighborhood - On the border between the tan-with-your-top-off part of Williamsburg and the clutch-your-pearls part of Williamsburg. That's a metaphor. No, but really...
Pretentious/assholes - the dance floor is usually pretty audacious (more on that later), so it seems like most folks here check their middle school insecurity at the door.
Cost of Stella -fuck, Visceralist got here at like 2am on a Saturday night recently (got a booth), but we're blanking. Prolly cuz we got here at like 2am on a Saturday night.
What time people start showing up- the Yelp reviews of this place are just *mwwwahh* in their would-be precociousness. Check out Vinci from the BX's review in particular. Reviews like this are why Visceralist started
Bartender efficiency - you'll def be waiting for a bit (even when the dance floor is jumpin) but just a bit.
Official Website - here. It asks you to visit their Facebook, but doesn't provide a link or re-direct. Might as well link to their fuckin Orkut page...
Food? How late - does water count? [ed. No, and you know it doesn't.] Cuz they have that at the sinks.
TVs? What's on- nope, so no bootleg Inception viewin' for you. Visceralist's mind was the scene of an orgasm, btw.
Guy:girl ratio - girls tend to get harassed on the dance floor here, but still come in droves, so what does that tell you...
Toys- you can smoke in the "porch" area out front.
Age of clientele - how old is too old, really? Kobe's 31 and Lord of the Fuckin Rings, so what does that tell you...
Space for dancing? - yeah, so this is really the only reason to come to this place. Best dance spot in the Burg-burg. Gully. Juice.
Music medium, style & volume- DJ'd and hip hop to the break of dawn, like come on now. That they're in Wburg and play hip-hop all night makes Savalas an oasis in a desert of bland that shit's gonna come back. Fuck the fuck outta here with all that bougie...
Specials or most popular drink - Killa said he's heroin (pronounced "hair-ron") and sex in one...dope as fuck!

View Larger Map

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Woodward Gallery

133 Eldridge St (btw Delancey & Broome)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 966-3411

Many thanks to the fine folks at for inviting Visceralist to this year's Collect LES Gallery Crawl. We'll narrow the focus of this post to one of the host sites, Woodward Gallery, but purely for the sake of brevity. The venue could've used slightly more a/c and the free wine was on some Robert Mondavi Jr. stee, but the gallery-crawl maps they handed out doubled superbly as hand-fans (shouts out to card stock) and the free wine was free, so. The curating, though, was impeccable and Visceralist was especially drawn to the Duchamp x Haring stylings of LA II (Woodward's current exhibit "The Great Outdoors" closes this Saturday, so hustle over there, young'ns). Photos below.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 Collect LES Art-Crawl

This Thurrrsday!

From The “Collect” events are private one‐night art open houses devoted to introducing new collectors and art lovers to art communities across NYC. Following events in Williamsburg, Soho and Dumbo, Collect LES is’s seventh Collect event and is expected to bring over a thousand art enthusiasts to experience the vibrant art community of the LES of Manhattan.

Collect LES is a 21+ event. Tickets are $20. The schedule is as follows:

Check-in: Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

6:30 - 8:30pm

6:30 - 8:30pm


7:00 - 9:00pm
Complimentary access to the New Museum’s exhibitions

6:30 - 9:30pm
Gallery crawl to over 20 galleries

9:00 - 10:00pm
Happy Hour & After Party at Panda Bar
9:30 - 10:30pm
Happy Hour & After Party at Gallery Bar


Friday, July 16, 2010

White Slab Palace

77 Delancey (btw Allen & Orchard)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-0193

Bathroom situation
- immediately to your right when you enter you'll find 3 single-person closets and a communal sink. The one that Visceralist went into the other night only had the swanky urinal you see above, so we'll assume that the universal symbol for the male was on the door somewhere. In any event, if you find that you need to sit on something and ponder the vagaries of human nature [ed. we like to keep the fecal-talk to a minimum 'round here, so...], you may have to go into the closet with the dress-wearing image on the door (or they may have "Ladies" & "Gentlemen" placards on the doors here, we're a little fuzzy on this).
Takes credit cards? - no, which we'll grudgingly chalk up to WSP's current coming-of-age status. For now. Really, there's no reason for places in the LES to not take credit cards. Which, btw, Visceralist thinks we got roasted at Rosario's the other day. Commenters, what do you make of this: we ordered two slices, dude said the total was $7 (which is somewhat suspect, but ok, recession, whatever). We give dude a $20, he comes back and hands us $13 then immediately drops some change in the tip jug. Which made us think, "Wait, didn't this particular combination of slices usually cost $6.50 or $6-something before?" Is this a new thing? Tips is a must? Or is Visceralist just too busy recklessly eyeballin' some Summer-in-NYC spaghetti straps, and not paying attention to what's going on at the cash register? No shots either way...
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, and this is the odd thing. There's a dense encampment of folk that seem to congregate near the entrance on the weekends, which becomes a genuine NYC Clusterfuck. Granted, the bathrooms are near here, but still. There's a whole back room that no one seems to know about or acknowledge. SMH.
Seating - White Slab is deceptively spacious. The place is actually a normal-ish Scandinavian restaurant for brunch & dinner [ed. it transforms into full-on bar mode in the evenings, or at least close enough for Visceralist's purposes.], so there's a hamburger's helping of tables in the main room. 10-15 high-stools are at the bar. PLUS! There's an under-utilized back room which is just as wide-loady as the main room. For some reason they don't really go out of their way to point people in the direction of the back room, so ain't nothin goin on back there but the rent. Plus it seems slightly ominous for some reason.
Neighborhood - the section of the LES that's on a bit of a come-up lately. Casa Mescal is right around the corner and perennial Visceralist fave Chloe is but a block away. Note, however, that WSP on the side of Delancey that's difficult to catch a cab on [ed. prepositions ain't a must]. Opt for the north side if you really need to tip on outta there in a hurry.
Pretentious/assholes - Holy Moly. This is sorta to be expected at new LES hotspots, so it'll be another 9 months or so before WSP gets taken over by the khaki clique.
Cost of Stella -they don't get down, that's a no-go, ho. The bartender recommended a Radeberger as a replacement, but really worries tho cuz Visceralist always keeps a green bottle of that "Stella...I love you" taped to the thigh for situations just such as this. We get it iiiinnnnn.
What time people start showing up- Visceralist was able to find a table for 2 in the main room at like 11pm on a recent Friday nite, but it was only through sheer luck. Extrapolate from that what you will and then add salt to taste.
Bartender efficiency - this place has actually managed to engender some of the most fervent bile on Yelp when it comes to the efficiency of service (for both food and drink) that Visceralist has seen in a while. From Visceralist's experience, this seems mostly apt. We'll leave it there.
Official Website - here. An abomination. Visceralist was actually considering cutting this place some slack until we saw their lazy & SMH-inducing site. In a move that rivals Lebron's "The Decision" in terms of audacious, oblivious triflin, they have the option of making reservations through the site with a deposit of $100 via Paypal. $100 - $1,500 that is. Just the unprecedented gall of this is truly gob-smacking. Not only that, the rest of their site is under fucking construction. Welp White Slab, like Homer said in the "Flaming Moe" epsiode, "You just lost yourself a customer!." To which Moe responded (over multiple cash-register ch-ching noises), "What was that?"
Food? How late - yes, this place is an allegedly-functioning "Scandinavian" restaurant (shouts out to Marcus Samuelsson). Uff da!
TVs? What's on- they were showing World Cup 2010 matches in the back room, but it was likely just a temporary thing. Shouts out to Vuvuzelas. Fuck what everyone else is going through, Visceralist wants them to catch on at NFL games this season.
Guy:girl ratio - are the t-shirts that are retrofitted to look like tank-tops really the hot shit in NYC this summer? Really? Oh word?
Toys- UC Lounge (down the street) got a pool table recently. Check that out.
Age of clientele - firmly 30s...which ain't bad actually cuz the LES needs spots that aren't overrun with the kind of youngsters who only appreciate slap-bracelets ironically cuz they weren't around when they were actually the hot shit.
Space for dancing? - 1,000 times no.
Music medium, style & volume- not sure cuz the crowd noise was actually louder. This place brings out the lout in people for some reason.
Specials or most popular drink - they don't have Stella here, so Visceralist heartily and joyously encourages flasks on the low-low.

View Larger Map

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Lebron to MIA

Look at these fuckin' bitch-made ass Bad Boy bitches.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

200 Orchard

200 Orchard St. (btw Houston & Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7000

Bathroom situation
- two unisex minty-fresh WCs in the way back. They're actually kinda waka flocka you might look around and feel uncomfortable cuz you're not used to having that much room to stretch and yaw back and forth. Welcome to the new NoLES, playboy!
Takes credit cards? - yes, but only plastic ones with embossed numbers on the front...and you gotta have your signature on the back. Of it. The credit card, that is. [ed. Visceralist's editor will be out of the office with limited access to email til later. If you have any complaints about Visceralist's trife-blogging in the interim, kill yoself.]
Crowded on weekends? - nah, right? This spot has slightly more space than it knows what to do with, so there's lots of room to walk around without getting fondled on the low-low by someone whose mom really did teach them better.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, a big ol' booth in the front room and 3 tables in the back part. Most of the stools at the bar are usually occupied, so if you're in the habit of going to bars not by yourself (what? like you never...), your best bet is the tables in the back. They're the kind that have high-chairs.
Neighborhood - across the street from racist-ass American Apparel, but don't hold that against 200. Pomades is a must.
Pretentious/assholes - A bunch of folk who look like they might, but you know they won't. 'evs. 'ver it.
Cost of Stella -$6 and served in a proper Stella glass like in those commercials they only show in the US during the World Cup (how bout that team USA, btw, eh? Eh?).
What time people start showing up - like Nevuary. Nobody rilly comes here. Like if they did a pie-chart of this place's crowd it would be a circle that's 100% filled in with one color, let's say red, and in the Legend for the pie chart it would tell you that red represents Nobody.
Bartender efficiency - two dudes working the bar last time Visceralist was here and we didn't have any complaints. Meh'vs.
Official Website - here. Web 2.0 compatible, but otherwise pretty basic. Which Visceralist excitedly and lucidly approves of, FWIWorth.
Food? How late - if this place has any gimmick, it's their $8 paninis. Visceralist didn't try one cuz the "kitchen" consists of a shelf with a cutting board and a panini grill right next to the bar (like right where everyone walks by it like). No shots, but Visceralist likes a little mystery in our food-prep, to be honest.
TVs? What's on - yeah, one big projector'd up screen right above the booth in the front and two smaller flatscreens above the bar. MLB was on last time Visceralist was there, which....eghk. All we're saying (other than the obvious shit like Baseball's boring like waiting on herpes test results....cuz, trust, you got it) is that any sport where you can play two full games in a row (this double-header business) is not the kind of sport that Visceralist can co-sign. You know what other sports do double and triple headers? Frisbee golf, pool at a bar, Tic-Tac-Toe, jerkin off last night...psshaw.
Guy:girl ratio - 60/40...Visceralist actually counted last time he was here, so take that.
Toys - you could prolly dance up on the tables in the back, like they do in the movie Coyote Ugly, which is a lot like they do at the actual Coyote Ugly (ugh, shiver just went down Visceralist's spinal regions).
Age of clientele - old enough to remember when The Simpsons was good (shots definitely fired).
Space for dancing? - fuckin hell, yeah. Plenty of room to jerk, juke, Dougie, do the wop, etc, etc.
Music medium, style & volume - yeah, bartender's iPhone (risky, playboy) was playing Motown's Greatest Hits for a while. Btw, Gucci just said he makes love to his money like Ray J & Kim K on some song on his new mixtape Mr. Zone 6. FTFW.
Specials or most popular drink - nathan to speak of, but they do serve food til 3:30 which is something of a rarity 'round these here parts.

View Larger Map

Excuse the Duffle

Sean Garret ft. Nicki Minaj - "Get It All"

The "Stick-shift the dingaling" reference gets remixed like whoa...


You may not be able to read the word btw "MY" and "HELPED" in the ad above the doors in the photo above, but it reads "MCNY", which is presumably an accredited & licensed college associated w/ the CUNY system. Still...the comma btw "IMPOSSIBLE" and "POSSIBLE"? SMDH.