Sunday, December 30, 2012

Two Bit's Retro Arcade

153 Essex St (between Stanton & Rivington)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-8161

Bathroom situation - just one in the back around the corner. It’s spacious and secluded enough to fuck your fuck on up in there, but some of the graf on the walls could prove to be a little distracting (see above). So, we’re saying all that to say this: make sure you get yourself molly’d up beforehand just in case.
Takes credit cards? - nope! Not yet, anyway - this place is still that new shit, so they only have one of those gougey ATMs for the time being. Helpfully, given that this is an arcade, they do have one of those change machines for quarters. Unhelpfully, as of this writing, it’s broken. Helpfully, however, the register at the bar is prepared and replete. Unhelpfully, it won't matter how many quarters you have, Visceralist will still eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner and that ill-advised Hot Pocket you had 30 minutes before bed on any one of these games. Bet.
Crowded on weekends? - not yet, but soon. The selection of games here, though more modest, is better than at their presumptive rival Barcade. See, cuz Barcade’s  like “Oh, arcade games made after 1989 are sellouts...psh, don’t even...” Whereas, Two Bit’s all, “Yo, fuck all that. Do the people wanna play Street Fighter? Do the people wanna play classic beat-em-ups like Final Fight? Yes? Do the people wanna shoot at the screen with fake plastic guns? Yes? Then get that shit!”
Seating - a few stools at the bar and a couple tables in the back. No stools in front of the games tho which, while likely a practical necessity, is kind of a drag. Some of us have sore lower backs from getting molly’d up and fucking while standing up all week long. Just a thought that we want in your head.
Neighborhood - right next door to the recently shuttered LES comedy club The Laugh Lounge (RIP 2012). This part of Essex St. (in addition to the block between Stanton and Houston) oddly doesn’t get much attention, but perhaps now the siren call of Blanka’s victory howl will change all that.
Pretentious/assholes - both times we’ve been here, we’ve sorta wanted to get into a Street Fighter II tournament where dudes are putting quarters up against the screen to call next and all that shit. Hasn’t happened yet, but soon.
Cost of Stella - not raising its hand when its name is called, unfortunately.
What time people start showing up - so, that’s not in fact a misplaced apostrophe you’re seeing in the title of this post. This retro arcade apparently belongs to some fella named Two Bit. Perhaps we’re being overly nitpicky, but something about that just seems off.  
Bartender efficiency - only 1 bartender working, but never got to to the point where, sorry, but they really do have to ignore you because it’s just too hectic. We here at Visceralist sympathize, reality.
Official Website - here. Currently just a typical “Coming Soon” placeholder with a .jpg of their logo (which doesn’t feature the infamous apostrophe...hmmm...)
Food? How late - pizza slices of dubious origin. Like Gatsby!
TVs? What's on - 1 flatscreen behind the bar and 1 large projector screen against the rear wall - onto which they project shit the likes of which probably inspired Django Unchained.
Guy:girl ratio - we here at Visceralist HQ just recently got into this old reality show Geek Love, episodes which are available on YouTube. Its framing is a bit meaner than we usually tolerate, but it’s still a treat that can’t be beat.
Toys - oh, in addition to the stools, it would be great if they had a hand-sanitzer-dispenser somewhere off in this bitch. Cuz, especially considering the age of these cabinets, more sweaty hands been on them joysticks than...
Age of clientele - old enough to remember a time when you could actually get something for a quarter. Which, btw, if we can be as didactic as possible: this place is good because every game only costs a quarter.
Space for dancing? - probably enough room to do a little victory shimmy after you’ve roasted that dude who picked Dhalsim like it was good.
Music medium, style & volume - ok, let’s just get this out of the way, the Django Unchained soundtrack is the fucking best since Drive.
Specials or most popular drink - Visceralist is known to serve up a tall glass of that #beatemdown to all comers on them Street Fighter sticks. Pop a molly and put your quarters up, beeeeiiitch!

Friday, December 7, 2012


50 Avenue B (Corner of E. 4th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 375-0665

Bathroom situation - so the street level floor of Affaire is set up as a small restaurant. There's 1 bathroom in the back, to the side of the bar. Then downstairs there are two separate lounge rooms which each have 1 small bathroom. Each one is single-person and the tricky part with the downstairs ones is that the doors blend in seamlessly with the wall. If you're having trouble finding them, just wait for a line to form.
Takes credit cards? - yes and when you close out at the bar, they go through the whole rigamarole of putting your check in one of those black pleather folders, which is such a cyse.
Crowded on weekends? - the following is a true story that happened in real life earlier this year: The Visceralist rolled up to the door of Affaire on a Saturday night. The Bouncer (who looked like he had probably used the phrase "'Nuff said" about 5 or 6 times that week), was all, "Gotta lose the hat. Can't let you in with that hat." Fair enough, so we turned to our friend and asked her if she could please put the offending hat in her purse for the night. She was all, "Of course." Problem solved, right? Of course. But then Bouncer was all, "Nah, no hats at all inside. Gotta get rid of it." To which we responded, "It'll just stay in her bag, man, it's all good." Bouncer: "No hats." V: "Really? So even though I could've put the hat in her bag in the cab before we got here, you won't let us in?" Bouncer (after cinching up his jean cargo shorts): "Yeah. I mean if you wanna come in now, you could throw it out in the trash can on the corner." Tell you what, how 'bout you throw out your unreasonable attitude, guy?!
Seating - 7 or 8 dinner tables upstairs and a few lounge-style sofas in both downstairs rooms. Most seats on the sofas were occupied by coats - including Visceralist's beloved Spiewak, which typically causes us a healthy dose of undue anxiety. Fortunately though, the crowd kept their grubbies off, so no complaints there.
Neighborhood -what's that saying about Alphabet City in NYC's bad old days? Ah yes: If you're on Avenue A you're alright, Avenue B you're brave, Avenue C you're Crazy, Avenue D you're Dead. That hasn't really been applicable for a while, so Visceralist proposes a revision: If you're on Avenue A you're an NYU student, Avenue B you're boring cuz all the bars on this avenue are mediocre, Avenue C you'll get flooded once a year but it'll get blogged about, Avenue D you'll get flooded once a year but you're on your own for a couple weeks after.
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that you will see a guy or few that does that move where he puts his arm up against the wall behind the girl he's talking to and then leans in with a grin.
Cost of Stella - $7 and bottles only. Pay cash.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 11:30ish on a recent Saturday night and both downstairs rooms were jammed up like the EQ on a Waka Flocka track.
Bartender efficiency - surprisingly adept, considering the crowds. We'd like to take this time to send an unreserved, non-sarcastic kudos their way.
Official Website - here. Their "Delicious Playful Moments" section informs us that they present frequent burlesque shows here. So if seeing bra-covered tits vs. seeing naked tits is like eating porridge that's too cold vs. eating porridge that's too hot, then this is your spot. With your freaky ass ;)
Food? How late -full brunch and dinner menus. Buffalo style frog legs!
TVs? What's on - no, Affaire aspires to a level of pretension that would see it more at home on a Mad TV parody of Girls. So you're gonna have to catch that Nets game down the block at Croxleys, bruh.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50ish.
Toys - not really, so try to make some new friends in the bathroom or coatcheck lines.
Age of clientele - folks in their mid-20s who think they know what folks in their mid-30s act like and attempt to imitate that.
Space for dancing? - so this is where they actually get shit completely right. Perhaps the bouncer actually knows his business because, though the dance floors in both lounge rooms could be crowded enough to be a hassle to walk through, it was fuckin' party time out that bitch and it was official.
Music medium, style & volume - stretched-out dance remixes of Khia's "My Neck, My Back" & "Gangnam Style" were heard and remembered.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Best Unused Moving-Ending One-Liners

Ever since Michael Corleone told his wife "Don't ever ask me about my business, Kate." screenwriters have been trying to outdo each other by trying to write the most gangsta cinematic line OF ALL TIME. And, yeah, there have been a few viable contenders since then. Phil Leotardo telling that woman who was an affiliate of Tony's on The Sopranos "Next time, there won't be a next time." after he shot at her through a phone book (but the bullet didn't go all the way through). Tony Montana talking about his balls. Heath Ledger saying "Jack Twist, I swear..." But, unfortunately, nothing has really blown minds all to heck recently (right commentariat?). Luckily for y'all though, your boy Vissy has come up with a few on spec. Feel free to disburse as y'all see fit.

Line : Your suspicions are right - that is my son. But I'm gonna let you raise him.
Context: Some drama where some underling has cuckolded the boss - which the boss only realizes at the end. Likely delivered as the underling is dying. His last words!
Line : Most people would refer to this as a wine-bottle corkscrew. Now,'re gonna find out why I call it...a password-extractor.
Context: Delivered by some kind of Bond villain to a tied-up Bond-type right before he leaves the room to consult with a flunky on some important business.

Line : You seem to feel like you just won the Superbowl. Nuh uh. You just finished a Pop Warner game where they don't keep score. Vicariously. Through your nephew.
Context: This would be delivered as a metaphor. Presumably in some business drama where the protagonist has pulled just a fantastic switcheroo on the antagonist. So good. 
Read the rest at Put That Shit on the List.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Friday, October 26, 2012

Friday, October 19, 2012

Hair of the Dog

168 Orchard Street (corner of Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-7771

Bathroom situation - “When shaving, a man rereads his truest memoir.” Handle that one,!
Takes credit cards? - yes, effusively, and they’ll even give it back to you when you ask for it back. But you better sign that shit!
Crowded on weekends? - it's barely been open for a full weekend, so commenters should weigh in on this one right here.
Seating - this building used to house a French-ish type brunch place that had those rinky dink tables that never reminded people of authentic French bistros and always reminded people that the LES was overrated.
Neighborhood - Visceralist commandeered a cab around here recently that was driven by a white man with an American accent. That didn’t actually happen.
Pretentious/assholes - with a decor like this, a name like that and a female bar-staff like the proverbial, this has all the potential in the land to become the ultimate “What’s your dad do, bitch?!” dbag circlefuck that we here at Visceralist secretly love (to fuck with [cuz we’re jealous]). Let’s see how it goes, bitch!
Cost of Stella - probably $6 - Visceralist was coming off a tough pub trivia loss when we were here the other night, so our brain’s official report on this is heavily redacted.
What time people start showing up - Danny Bowien (owner of the slap-yo-momma ill Mission Chinese nearby) was in attendance when we were last here. He got here at 12:30ish and left shortly thereafter. So do what he done did.
Bartender efficiency - it wasn’t too crowded, so we’re not sure how well they’ll traffic-cop the more bountiful nights, but no ‘plaints so far.
Official Website - here. Just a Fbook page so far, which is pretty wack, but they’re new so chill the fuck out, then tell me what’s your dad do, bitch!
Food? How late - they apparently have a menu here, but it doesn’t have any appreciable web presence at the moment. Their menu’s dad doesn’t make much money, hahahahahahahahhaha! He drives a Dodge Stratus!! ROFL!
TVs? What's on - yes, sports, which means it’ll face some stiff competition from fellow Orchard street stand-outs Sixth Ward, 200 & the always-lovable Lucky Jacks.
Guy:girl ratio - sports bar, but they’re still eking out their LES-bar-scene rep, so it remains to be seen whether it’ll be 80:20 or 80.5:19.5.
Toys - our TV here at Visceralist HQ just broke down (right in time for the Halo 4 launch of course, fuck!). Commenters, hook it up.
Age of clientele - we’ll take any flat screen from like 2005-present.
Space for dancing? - apparently they’ll have DJs spinning at some point, but it’ll be on some UES pub shit more like. Also, the lighting is curiously bright, so you probably aren’t gonna want to Cat Daddy your caboose around with your eyes closed too much anyway, lest someone capture it on their RED Scarlet and make you famous.
Music medium, style & volume - what have Clap Your Hands Say Yeah been up to lately, anyway?
Specials or most popular drink - let’s all just keep calm and drink some Laphroaig, shit...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Crown Victoria

60 S. 2nd St (btw Kent & Wythe)
Brooklyn, NY  11211
(917) 719-6072

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person units just past the bar in the back. Their fuckability isn’t great - and not because they’re not big enough, they are. It’s just that they’re in a bottlenecky part of the bar.
Takes credit cards? - the Visceralist’s credit is so bad these days that we need to raise our hand and wait till we’re called on before we can use any kind of plastic, so not entirely sure on this one. Yelp says they do though, so they probably do.
Crowded on weekends? - the back yard area does tend to get frothy mixy on the weekends, but the front patio doesn’t for some reason.
Seating - a bunch in the front and back yards, but less than zero inside. Commenters, what’s this place like in the winter?
Neighborhood - next door to this weird wine-bar-looking spot that’s always nearly empty. Fuck is that about? Fuck is going on there? Is anyone looking into that? Can someone look into that? Anway, CV is close to the East River.
Pretentious/assholes - wtf is up with folks who, when you’re selling concert tix on Craigslist, write to you a bunch of times asking you first if they’re still available, then sending you like 3 more emails asking you to just respond as to whether or not they’re gone. Fuck you, you entitled republican. If you haven’t gotten a response, what the hell do you think your answer is? And how does confirmation that they’re gone help you? Is your accountant hounding you to reconcile that outstanding $70 on your fucking stupid books, you idiot? Die.
Cost of Stella - $6. If you’re sitting in the front or back yard and have ordered it from a server, make sure they actually bring it to you before you pay for it and go home, go to sleep and wet dream about commenting on
What time people start showing up - Visceralist showed up on a recent Thursday for a going-away party (that was supposed to start at 6:30pm) at 7:15pm and no one was there yet for the party (embarrassing?), but there were 5 or 6 people hanging out at the bar. When we doubled back around 8:30pm after killing some time by walking around the corner, sitting on the curb and composing most of this post on our iPhone, it was appreciably fuller.
Bartender efficiency - you think the mgmt of bars in the LES/Wburg is like officially requiring bar/wait staff to go full-hipster, attire-wise? Or is it just a biased sample set? Not that we’re complaining, but what ever happened to, ah fuck it...nevermind.
Official Website - here. Features a specific section devoted to advertising their availability as a location for commercial/movie/tv/video shoots. Kinda brilliant.
Food? How late - standard American Pub stuff.
TVs? What's on - NOPE!
Guy:girl ratio - all your ex’s friends will be all up in here. Smile!
Toys - the backyard area is gravelly enough that you could prolly find a nice skipping stone and use it over on the East River. If you can get 6 skips on video and email it to mgmt, you get a voucher for a free beer. That’s not actually true and would be a terrible idea.  
Age of clientele - apparently, “yun” in DMV slang is used similarly to how we Yawkers use “yo.” “Yun” is derived from the other, more widely used slang term, “young’n” which itself is probably a shortened version of “young one.”
Space for dancing? - dancing in gravel?
Music medium, style & volume - shit, this new Muse album is more of that classic Muse shit that we know and love here at Visceralst HQ (the shameless trend-chasing stabs at dubstep notwithstanding). “Survival” in particular is particularly Musey. Kate Hudson’s pussy is a genius.
Specials or most popular drink - definitely not the wine. Which, in our experience, is a whole lotta liquid phooey. 

Monday, September 24, 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Visceralist Review: The Master

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


Ever feel like your friends are done with you because they've started making inside jokes that you don't really get? It was all good just a week ago, everyone was clownin' on Jeff's triflin' ass. Suddenly though, you're asking "Wait, what...?" a little bit more often than everyone else, and your bombs just ain't landing like they used to. It's all good though, you just ain't quite up on that new shit like you used to be back in your 20's. It happens to all of us.  The Visceralist is here to put you up on that new slang shit right quick like right here, right now.

Cysing: Primarily used as a verb to describe when one is dubiously excited or innervated by a person/place/thing that wouldn't or shouldn't generally warrant such excitement. Example: "Remember when everyone was cysing mo farah?"
Derivation: dmv slang courtesy of the hot fiyastarters
Ending a tweet with a ?: Used to express comical confusion by use in conjunction with an otherwise normal statement. 
Example: "Seems like Michelle Obama's doing pretty well these days?" 
Derivation: probably dadboner

Read the rest at Put That Shit On the List... 


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Friday, August 24, 2012

Visceralist Review: "Sleepwalk With Me"

Sleepwalking...more like keep walking. 
This movie's like Gilligan's buddy: a skipper!

5 out of 5 stars.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Burnside Brooklyn

506 Grand St. (btw Union & Lorimer Aves)
Brooklyn, NY  11211
(347) 889-7793

Bathroom situation - 2 multisex units in the front, against the left wall. Both de rigueur for dive-bars in this part of Wburg - meaning: only one has a toilet seat. Steady as she goes, ladies....
Takes credit cards? - yes and, incidentally, Eric M. has a mildly-interesting anecdote within his Yelp! review of Burnside that involves some alleged cc-tab chicanery on the part of the bar staff. Even more interestingly, the mgmt responds to his claims with a measured and “hmmm, yeah, actually that makes more sense” refutation. Gripping reading; like something out of The Kings of Cool or suchlike...
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and seems even worse than it is because of the narrow and unnecessarily cramped layout. Tsk tut.
Seating - 5 or 6 tables in the front, 8 or so stools at the bar and an all-woodgrain-everything patio in back with seating for an additional 15-20. Sitting apparently kills you faster than the Supersize Me diet though, so shoulder-width apart your feet and live your life!
Neighborhood - this part of Grand Street has been tussling with gentrification for the past few years and neither side has tapped out yet, but deep down, we all know how these things go...
Pretentious/assholes - so this place purportedly adheres to some stereotypical Midwestern ethos construct. This is fine, but there’s a reason people leave the Midwest to come to NYC. Namely, the notion that mediocrity should be elevated to an ideal. We can do better, people!
Cost of Stella - not here, so sneak some in like a “real” Midwesterner like on TV.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here on a recent Friday at 10pm and had no problem finding a seat, getting the bartender’s attention or waiting for the bathroom (well, for the one w/o the toilet seat...seriously Burnside, you can get one for like $20 at Home Depot...easy to install and everything, we’ve done it ourselves...we can do better, people!)
Bartender efficiency - a touchy subject, if Yelp! is to be believed. The bar area is designed in such a way that there’s no real way to avoid crowding if there are more people standing around than stools.
Official Website - here. One of those single-pagers with Twitter, Fbook & Yelp! links in the corner. Is this a thing now? this the new hot shit for Bar sites? You know...this might be the new hot shit. Ok, we’ll check with our local kings of cool and update this post asap if it turns out that this is the new hot shit. Bear with us...
Food? How late - cheese curds and Juicy Lucy burgers. Neither of which is as big in the Midwest as they’d have you believe. Gooder than fuck tho.
TVs? What's on - no, which is probably the biggest oversight for an MW zoetrope like this.
Guy:girl ratio - this category feels just a little bit too prurient to be used in a bar as MW’ern as Burnside.
Toys - shufflepuck and no Golden Tee.
Age of clientele - we here at Visceralist are such “Goddammit, if your fucking frisbee lands in our lawn just one more fucking time...” old-heads now that we don’t even know at what age the young folk (see how dated our references are?) are moving to NYC anymore.
Space for dancing? - fuck no. And you shouldn’t be doing the lambada in public anyway. Shameful. We can do better, people!
Music medium, style & volume - too loud! And would it kill them to play something off the Mo’ Money soundtrack every now and then?
Specials or most popular drink - Stevens Point Ale.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Visceralist Review: Frank Ocean "Channel Orange"

Look at this fucking fantastic piece of passion.

Monday, June 25, 2012


27 Broadway (Btw Kent & Dunham Pl.)
Brooklyn, NY  11211
No Reservations

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person unisex units just around the kitty-corner in the back, to the left. Both big enough to fit “one” person and clean enough to really get down to some raw, intense, up-against-the-wall or bent-over-gripping-the-sink, god-fuck-yes “thinking” done.
Takes credit cards? - Visceralist just bought a cap at a boutique store that used a Square card-reader via an iPhone 3GS. It borked reading the card a bunch of times and dude had to eventually type in our Black Amex # which sort of defeated the purpose. Still, the cap is fly, so if you see Visceralist out, give us our due dap, sucka.
Crowded on weekends? - Donna is fairly new, out of the way, and generally only known to the South WBurg locals - having said that, they do have some fly DJs Thur-Sat and it is pretty small, so mathematize that yourself.
Seating - 18 stools at the bar, a smattering of small tables just opposite and a large, communal-style table in the back which can accommodate a good sized going-away party (even if you just know the non-profit world isn’t for her).
Neighborhood - just next to a robust construction site that appears to be erecting what looks like a Holiday Inn designed by whoever it is that draws Emojis.
Pretentious/assholes - nah, man. It’s well off the radar of most NYC bolos, so conviviality is a must.
Cost of Stella - not a thing here, which is a deep d’oh.
What time people start showing up - tea-time in the meantime. But for real, for real, the crowd dynamic here is fairly fluid, so just come whenever, bring whover, dress however, say whatever, pay whatever they tell you to pay, then put another 20% on it.
Bartender efficiency - a cursory glance at the Yelp reviews of Donna will paint an unflattering, George Condo-esqe portrait of the service here, but in our experience, this is not to be believed. Now granted, good-looking, charismatic, bon-vivant, fly-than-a-muhfuh stunnas dressed in all Etiqueta Negra everything tend to get better service than most, but hey...
Official Website - here. A bit more minimalist than we typically condone (where the fuck is the menu?), but an adequate first draft.
Food? How late - yes, small plates. They have a $10 tomato on there for some reason, which is unequivocally trife, but the rest is cute enough.
TVs? What's on - nope, so you’ll have to pick another spot for your Breaking Bad premiere party. July 15th can’t cook soon enough.
Guy:girl ratio - can easily tip in either direction because the space is so cozy-comfy.
Toys - to guys who come to bars on their own with no plans to meet anyone and no smartphone with which to appear distracted, I say: “You’re better than me.”
Age of clientele - appears to skew early-30s, which is the new late-20s according to people in their 50s (new 30s).
Space for dancing? - no, which is odd considering that...
Music medium, style & volume - DJs Thur-Sun night.
Specials or most popular drink - all cocktail everything.