Thursday, April 25, 2013


21 Essex Street (btw Division & Rutgers)
New York, NY 10002
no phono

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person honey bucks in the back on the right. There’s one in the way-back that has a quasi-hidden sliding door. Charming pink decor in both, which we can only assume is an homage to Pink Panther-era King Killa. Suck it or not!
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is still deliciously new and, though it’s firmly ensconced in the LES, is still on some “you gotta know someone in the know to even know about this shit” shit. This’ll likely change come this summer, but fuck, it’ll be Summer in NYC - the time of year when frowns and grumpys run off to some corner of Queens to hibernate. Exposed dentals is a must.
Seating - a big ol’ booth in the front, 10ish stools along the bar and a Spades setup in the back.
Neighborhood - the only part of the LES left to develop, really. May have to walk uptown a bit to catch a late-night cab...unless you’re, you know...entitled. Or, even better, entittied. And white.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve had a few bolos roll up on us and start it up with us with that “Dude, i’m just trying to talk to you...” shit. Drunken bolo’s of NYC, here’s a thing: no one actually has to listen to you. You can’t get incensed when someone says to you, “Ok, we’re done here.” and turns back to the conversation they were having before you tsunami’d your way over here like it was all good. Go die somewhere.
Cost of Stella - not yet, but that’s not a “forever no” like the possibility of an Arrested Development feature film is (trust us, it’s really not a good idea anyway).
What time people start showing up - Cheers was always like the perfect amount of full at all times, right? Not sayin’. Just sayin’.
Bartender efficiency - fully decent. Because of the narrow nature of Beverly’s floorplan, there’s not much room around the bar, which cleverly, naturally reduces any crowding, eye-rolling, bumping or “Hey, why’d that singer-from-Korn-lookin’ suckfuck get his drink before me?” type of bullshit.
Official Website - here. A lot of it is still “coming soon” (GROAN!!!), but we still see what they did there...
Food? How late - they have art exhibits and shit here from time to time, which is something to “oh, nice” about.
TVs? What's on - this season of Mad Men’s focus on infidelity is a welcome change of pace and all, but can they at least for a second acknowledge that the triflin’-ass dirtbags of the 60’s knew of and engaged in positions other than missionary? Would it kill them to have a salad tossed or a tower Eiffeled?
Guy:girl ratio - real talk: how do the hot-ass tall chicks of NYC hear about all these swaggy new joints as soon as they open? Marketing is the easy answer, but there’s gotta be something more, right?
Toys - the ATM outside, which you’ll be headed to if you didn’t adequately prepare for the bartender’s 1-sentence speech that goes “Oh, sorry, we don’t take credit cards.” And that’s how you feed your joke a sentence, bitch! No charge.
Age of clientele - turning 30 is nothing. It’s 31 that’ll make you feel like you chose the wrong cup from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Space for dancing? - there is a little spot just past the end of the bar where you can go to show the chicks that you know more couplets from 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” than just “All I want for my birthday is a big-bootie ho.” Sing/Rap along! Awwwwww...
Music medium, style & volume - all types of ill shit.
Specials or most popular drink - not sure - hopefully the “Coming Soon” part of the Menu section on their site will tranform into “Free booze for trill-ass muthafuckas” at some point...keep checking back. 

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Tender Trap

245 S. 1st St (btw Roebling & Havemeyer)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(347) 763-1825

Bathroom situation - there may be others, but we’ve only ever seen the one in the back corner on the left. Shit is bombed-out & depleted, but never seems to be much of a line, despite its proximity to the dance floor. And that’s even when it’s thick with booty-meat up in here, which is always and forevermore.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $20 min.
Crowded on weekends? - fuck a muckabuck, yes. Visceralist rolled by here on a recent Friday night and it was like packed like a live-action Keith Haring mural. And though we still wanted to bum rush up in there and get our shit all the way off cuz the spot is that serious, the other brodies in our crew at the time were all like, “Waah...don’t wunna...” Hs were S’d.
Seating - a couple booths up front and an exquisite dearth of stools near the bar. So if you’ve managed to get one, don’t turn your head too far to the left, cuz the next man’s gonna swerve right, yoink your seat and you’ll find your Fatty Arbuckle on the ground, wondering why you ever moved to NYC in the first damn place.
Neighborhood - don’t let the “S” in their address fool you, this is firmly in the “Yo! The Mouse Trap board game I ordered off eBay just came in! Can’t wait to get this up on the bookshelf!” part of Williamsburg.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve only been actually approached by (a) some chick in neon blue snowpants (w/ suspenders) & (b) some bolo who was all like, “Yo, you want some coke?” (possibly on some 21 Jump Street ish), but neither really annoyed us, so think we’re good.
Cost of Stella - they don’t have it on tap here, which is really the only drawback of this otherwise magical spot.
What time people start showing up - we recently showed up here after a late Saturday dinner at the nearby (and tasty d-liteful) Rye and it was dead for about the time it took us to take our seats and turn our heads to the left. Soon as they got back centered, it was fuckin' party time and it was official.
Bartender efficiency - the area around the bar is pretty narrow, which leads to some not so insignificant traffic jammin, but the bartenders know their business and go about it with some considerable aplomb. So tip them early and often, you...
Official Website - here. Phone number, email, address & hours. And that’s it. Just the way poppa likes it. Now come ‘ere...
Food? How late - booty meat. Served all night lawng.
TVs? What's on - if you don’t get the fuck with that bull...boy, if you came in here hoping to catch some episodes of the Larry Sanders Show on some ironic shit, then you need to just get all the way out of our fuckin’ sight by yesterday, fuck-o’clock. And fuck you too. And your breath stinks.
Guy:girl ratio - and this is why you come to the new set of cool bars in BK. Honestly, if your late-night plans include going to places where you can even see the Manhattan skyline, then you lost before you got started, B.
Toys - if one of you commenters could PayPal us here at Visceralist one of those new 4K TVs so we can finally play some goddamn Halo 4, that’d be great, just real great. Kthxbb.
Age of clientele - that part of your 20s when you can say “Eh, I’ll start focusing on my career next month...” and actually get away with it. Which hopefully extends into your 30s.
Space for dancing? - shit, where to start with this one? On the weekends they have the twerk team up on the bar, gettin’ it crackin’ like if the “Rumpshaker” video had a fuckin’ baby with 2 Chainz’ “Birthday” video.
Music medium, style & volume - any song that’s ever had the word “Booty” in the title and any of the songs that would come up if you put any of those first batch of songs as the seed song in your Pandora.
Specials or most popular drink - psh...dutty wine, prolly. Shit, just get your booty here.

Saturday, February 9, 2013


236 Troutman (btw Wilson & Knickerbocker Aves)
Brooklyn, NY 11237
(718) 386-2369

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person WCs in the hallway between the main front space and the back fun space. Much like the terrible Schillers, they have a shared sink in the bathroom area. And yeah, it probably seems random that we’d just reach out there like Mr. Fantastic to slap Schiller’s in their triflin’ mouth for no apparent reason, but trust us, there’s a reason. Email us for details. 
Takes credit cards? - oh yes they did do it. Speaking of which, a friend of Visceralist’s who is really a friend that exists and has a girlfriend on twitter and a Nigerian trust fund and all those normal things that people have when they’re real and you’ve had brunch with them and stuff. So, anyway, this friend was wondering how one would go about checking their credit report score cuz they never have before and apparently (according to their real words that they spoke in person) they want to apply for a new job and they heard that employers be checkin’ on that shit now. Commenters, help us out?
Crowded on weekends? - so even tho this place has been around for over a year, it’s just recently cropped up on Visceralist’s radar, which means that the cool kids are finishing up with it, which means that the bolo hordes will be here ad nauseum come summer 2013.
Seating - so this spot is a restaurant during those useless, boring hours before party time, so they have a bunch of tables and chairs in front. There’s a random side room just past the bathrooms as well for private parties and suchlike.
Neighborhood - the part of Bushwick that thinks it’s on that new hot shit, but apparently forgot to think about the fact that Bed-Stuy is where the new hot shit really been occurring at lately.
Pretentious/assholes - not at first blush, but we’ve already heard reports of people’s coats getting jacked the fuck out the backroom. Granted, it’s foolish to just toss your coat up against the wall and expect the honor system to have its foot on the night’s neck, but if you’re still stealing coats in Obama’s America, you are officially an asshole, yes.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was buying for the crew for some reason last time we were here, so we were on all-PBR-everything status in a very real way.
What time people start showing up - STOP EVERYTHING: someone(s) on the internet is stupid: the Illuminati fixation? If they exist and they’re as powerful as y’all straw-men say, then what is your JPG-zoomin’ YouTube clip gonna do about it? Raise awareness? Awareness has had its feet up on the coffee table for the past forever, man. Real orgs that exist like City Harvest could really use your time & energy too, man.
Bartender efficiency - top-notch, no qualifiers.
Official Website - here. We had to update Adobe Reader on the Visceralist HQ Hal 2000 in order to check out their menu, which was decidedly unworth it. That’s a check-minus, Tandem.  
Food? How late - if a quick perusal of Tandem’s Yelp reviews are to be believed, the brunch here is on point like calming, late-night hugs from momma. Visceralist hasn’t woken up in time for brunch since we were getting calming, late-night hugs from momma, so we can’t really offer up an opinion on this one.
TVs? What's on - it is kinda interesting how having even a single flat-screen in a bar can change the vibe from easy, late-80s r&b cool into a head-slapping, late-80s, Zach Morris Cuntachella. Anyway, this place doesn’t have any.
Guy:girl ratio - pretty even. Which, btw, commenters, what’s up with that revelation in Ep 8 of House of Cards? The way they downplayed it, hmmm....
Toys - as mentioned above, the bathroom has a communal sink which, if you’re charismatic enough, could be turned into a funny, meet-cute splash party scene from like an early ‘00s Bollywood movie. Just sayin’!
Age of clientele - mostly those that are just sipping gingerly on their 30s.
Space for dancing? - fuck, yo. So this is where Tandem really comes out to play. The backroom dance party is what makes the considerable trip out to this spot worthwhile. 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” has never sounded so ill. Plus they have laser lights like that MJ “Rock With You” vid.
Music medium, style & volume - see above.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, this place is gonna blow up this summer, just remember where you heard it first.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Shitty Video Reconsidered: Limp Bizkit - "Nookie"

As aggravating as it is to everyone involved, sometimes you're right to be preemptively defensive about your personal tastes. Some unpopular things are fucking worth it. Limp Bizkit isn't one of these things, but I'll be goddamned if they don't make for a decent bloggy cudgel in this regard. And yeah, we all know, dude throws the same "and I'm the only one..." cadence in every song, but damn, this North-Florida bolo found a way to make millions off that shit. And you mad. So here's why you're wrong, as evidenced by a fantastic analysis of the video for their best song, "Nookie."

0:00 - Ok, so yeah they only got signed to a major (Universal) on the strength of a cover - which is trifling, but shit, YOLO, so get it how you get it. Anyway, "Nookie" is a cheapy video by major label standards. The camera filter probably cost more than all of the extras combined.

0:31 - Durst "directed" this shit with his ego-maniacal ass, and it shows. He is all in the video. He did do a solid job of synching his diddy-boppin-through-the-streets scenes with the beat tho.

0:33 - First shot of Wes Borland, who's also pop-lockin to the beat. So, ok, I'll just come out and say it, Wes-dawg and his costumes and his variable guitar tunings were the only thing giving this band any kind of legitimacy. Apologies in advance for using this lazy trope, but he was the Andre 3000 to Durst-dawg's Big Boi. But only sorta. Borland's solo and side project stuff is an offense to both the bass and treble clef and it's clear that Durst-dawg was an indefatigable fixer, sculpting WB's indulgences into something one could happily diddy-bop to. And it worked!

Read the rest at Put That Shit on the List.