Merry Xmas

lol

Ludlow Manor

95 Delancey St (corner of Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
no phone, but @LudlowManor

Bathroom situation - street level, towards the back, take a mean left, then down the stairs, then around the damn corner. Then down the fuckin' hall, god damn! Fuckin' trail of tears trying to get to this shit.
Takes credit cards? - in one chapter of David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas that's set in a dystopian future world, the credit system is described as being essentially the same as one's soul. Not that they've magically/mystically replaced people's souls with credit somehow - it's just that "soul" is the name they use to describe the credit system. Anyway, if the novel has somehow managed to accurately predict the future (i.e. that Mitchell is a witch), one gets the sense that Ludlow Manor and its mgmt will somehow be the impetus of this new system. Explanation why coming up below...
Crowded on weekends? - can't really say because, technically, this place has only been in soft-open mode since last Saturday and won't open for real until this Saturday. However! Visceralist was invited this past Friday and rolled. Now, "invited" is V-speak for "happened to be in line behind folks who actually were invited and just said 'yep' when the bouncer asked if we were with them" but the point is we were up in there, occupying the Manor like we had a protest permit.
Seating - ...but some dude in what can only be described in the Lower East Side's raunchiest fur coat prevented us from going to check out the upstairs, so we can only really speak on the ground level. Forealdo, there were roughly 10-15 stools at the bar, a few more arranged around the shelves abutting the windows in front and a few booths and tables scattered around the Manor's admittedly impressive square footage.
Neighborhood - not long ago, this stretch of Ludlow boasted only the disappointing 87 (which was later re-branded as the only marginally less disappointing UC Lounge). It now features the splendid Hotel Chantelle,the abysmally triflin' Chloe 81, and now this. So how that go?
Pretentious/assholes - according to this, the management of this place wants to attract "sexy people that care how their hair looks." Now, this is a shame because there was an opportunity here for them to create something with that could rival its neighbor, Hotel Chantelle (a Visceralist favorite, full disclosure), in terms of atmosphere, clientele, carriage, demeanor, je ne sais quois & VIP offers to local nightlife bloggers with zero integrity and an audience of dozens. Suffice to say, they did not dress Visceralist up in their love.
Cost of Stella - so far they only have them in bottles here. Fun fact! Visceralist has been told that in the UK, they've adopted the term "wifebeater" to describe a pint of Stella because it's so damn plebeian. How that go?

Radegast Hall & Biergarten

113 N. 3rd St. (btw Wythe & Berry)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 963-3973

Bathroom situation - way in the back part on the left. Seems like there's usually a line for the women's so here goes a Visceralist pro-tip - the East River is just down the block, so...
Takes credit cards? - with aplomb.
Crowded on weekends? - The Weeknd's "Thursday" was kinda disappointing, no? Still, this guy's still the buzziest unsigned hype since 50, so he'll be ok. Visceralist prediction! Dude signs with some Universal subsidiary. OK, that's boring.
Seating - so this is the big payday here. They have a gang of benches for communal conviviality. Cool! The thing is, tho, that Radegast attracts big groups who'll want to devour a whole bench like everyone other than them hates sitting down. Still and all, just run up on the seats and sit...what are they gonna do, really? Tell on you? "Teacher, teacher! You forgot to give us homework!" Fuck outta here.
Neighborhood - row houses nearby. Not exactly like the B'more trap, but not entirely dissimilar. "How's my hair look? You look good, girl." Oof.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was here on a recent Saturday afternoon and there was a whole big ol' cohort of polo shirts that were acting like they didn't have the sense God gave a mule. Some muthafuckas get a seat at the cool kids table and just lose their damn minds. That ain't bout shit.
Cost of Stella - they have more beers here than Will Arnett has fake hair on his head but Visceralist didn't see Stella listed at first glance, and then got distracted and that was that.
What time people start showing up - afternoons. This is one of those bars that you can tell folks you spent all day at without getting one of those "Oh dear..." looks in response. So what's all that now? Visceralist spends a day off at Welcome to the Johnsons and all of a sudden we're the asshole...oof.
Bartender efficiency - the bar in the main room is well-staffed, so no complaints there. The service in the "garten" area can be downright abominable tho...AND they get pissed if you take some initiative and go get beers at the bar and sit back down. Granted, this is a faux pas when you're at a wait-service table. But if the "service" is neither here nor there, what are you supposed to do? Also, these kinds of problems don't come up at Johnsons...just sayin'.
Official Website - here. Auto-play streaming video on the main page, which is a huge "do not do" but the rest of the site is clean enough.
Food? How late - oh yeah...with all the trimmings.
TVs? What's on - commenters, who you think is gonna get dead in the season finale of Breaking Bad? Someone's gotta go, right? Hope it's not Gus, but it'll prolly be Gus.
Guy:girl ratio - David Cross has this great bit where the punchline is essentially "So there's a baby in the bar. A baby. In the bar." We're butchering it here, but you get the idea.
Toys - dominant costume for H'ween '11 has to be between Jobs and Angry Birds, right? Gosling from Drive may be in the mix too?
Age of clientele - mostly around the realization-that-yes-this-is-all-there-is-...damn age.
Space for dancing? - man, don't even. Like really. Just...no. Please stop.
Music medium, style & volume - oddly, none. So if you happen to hear any, it'll be purely diegetic.
Specials or most popular drink - they have bloody marys here for some reason.

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Room 18

18 Spring St. (btw Elizabeth & Mott)

New York, NY 10012
(212) 219-0942

Bathroom situation - oof. One single, solitary unit in the back that caters to both Adam & Eve (which, btw, if they had two sons, how did the whole rest of the human race come from just them? Commenters, help us out here). For a space as large as this, in a neighborhood that gets as crowded as that and attracts a clientele as drunk as the third, this is an egregious oversight. Our advice: if you happen to find yourself here and you start feeling that familiar tingling sensation, just go somewhere else.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernible minimum, which is a pleasant throwback nostalgia good ol' days why isn't the Captain America movie coming out on July 4th?
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist's first/last Room 18 experience was on a recent Friday evening. It was well after happy hour (happier hour?) and, hand to heart, hand on the Bible, all I have in this world is my word & my balls: it was pretty crowded. Enough has been said!
Seating - considering how many people they pack in here, the seating options are cantankerously limited. Flibbity-jibbet!
Neighborhood - if it can be said that SoHo has an edgy part, then Visceralist is gonna go ahead and say that Room 18 in the edgy part of SoHo. Not edgy to the point where you'd want to "tool-up" with the "biscuit" and be ready for some potential "ratchet-time" just in case it "goes down," but you might want to just double check that your wallet's actually still in your back pocket every now and then.
Pretentious/assholes - though Room 18 is the kind of nondescript SoHo hangout spot that typically does attract its fair share of Sean Parker wannabes, Visceralist didn't find anything worth fretting over.
Cost of Stella - now! Now we'll tell you why we've so far been so salty about Room 18. There's really no other way to put it other than to just come right out and blurt it right on out: cans of Tecate are 6 "Samuel L. Jackson" dollars! Each! So the first thing Visceralist did upon hearing that the two cans we just asked for would run us $12 - that is, after the smelling salts took effect and we freshened up in the restroom (after waiting in line for 10 minutes) - was to launch into a lecture that began "Where do you get off?!" And that's exactly what we did. Wait, no, that's not what we did. We paid for it with a credit card and a smiled while doing it. Fuck Our Lives.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got there 12ish the other night and it was already gilled to the packs. Ugh, $6 for a fucking Tecate! 6! And we ain't talking Blossom's friend! Even Blossom's friend Six would know better than to charge that much for a can of that particular brand of micturition. And she was dumb enough to have a crush on Joey Whoa! And he was dumb enough to put out that terrible single that helped his album go quadruple platinum! The fuck??!
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist has never worked as a bartender, but we imagine that when it gets crowded at a place like this, from their point of view it must look like E. Honda's "100-hands" special move, with each hand annoyingly clutching a $20. Commenters, is this accurate?
Official Website - Google & Yelp say that they have room18ny.com, but they either forgot to renew their domain recently, or forgot to not be idiots, cuz their site is currently one big piece of spamshit.
Food? How late - they apparently have some nibbles earlier in the evening, but the Yelpster community says that they're nothing to resign from US Congress over.
TVs? What's on - no NBA for like the next 4 months, so no need to have a TV, we suppose.
Guy:girl ratio - airtight.
Toys - 6 fucking dollars...ssmh (the first "s" is for "still").
Age of clientele - well, it's SoHo, so you know it's all about 30 year-olds and the 50 year-olds that tolerate them.
Space for dancing? - if they persist in charging $6 for cans of Tecate, then the only dancing that Visceralist is interested in is the "Ottoman hump" dance that we'll be doing on Room 18's grave when they finally go under.
Music medium, style & volume - why isn't there a foursquare for music?
Specials or most popular drink - if they even have Stella here, it's probably like $22 a bottle or something. Fuck's sake...

Visceralist Review: Kid Cudi "Man on the Moon 2: The Legend of Mr. Rager"

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 2

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane - "The Appeal: Georgia's Most Wanted"

Look at this fucking average piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Das Racist's new one "Sit Down, Man" is officially That New Hot Shit. Free download here.

The Porch

115 Ave. C (btw E. 7th & E. 8th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-1515

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex salons on the street level. Both with surprisingly and inappropriately fancy sinks. Kinda like a chick wearing "fuck-me" boots [ed. we here at Visceralist do not condone this term...cuz it's dumb played out...it's basically the Eat Pray Love of the footwear lexicon] to a bar in the meatpacking district and who also happens to have a great sense of humor (like, as in they appreciate the finest in British and American comedy) and an upbeat, nigh-on midwestern attitude. And does coke.
Takes credit cards? - nah, playboy. And Visceralist found out the hard way when we bought a drink for ourselves and a buddy and flashed the Buffalo Wild Wings MasterCard like "Can we start a tab?", and the bartender was like, "Whoa, whoa whoa..." More on this later.
Crowded on weekends?- Visceralist has only been here during the workaday live-long week, so not sure. Commenters?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a few cushioned table setups in the back. Porch's other claim to fame is having a large outdoor area with only the finest in wooden seating. Seriously, they have like a gazebo and suchlike. Plus there's an upstairs area with a fireplace and its own patio...or "porch" if you will. The upstairs area is open as erratically as the Yankee Doodle was in its depressing last year tho...shame.
Neighborhood - unfortunately, NYC seems to be gettin a little bit more brolic lately...as in, yeah, you might get accosted by someone swinging a bike chain, eye-fucking you and telling you to "Say something....Say something!". Eghk. The scary-alphabet-city thing has been done, dude. What's next? Fannypacks and slap-bracelets? The fuck outta here with all that there...
Pretentious/assholes - surprisingly, not much of an issue.
Cost of Stella -$6.
What time people start showing up- mostly on the weekends, but even that seems iffy. Come on by and pull up a seat, dammit.
Bartender efficiency - ok, so as mentioned above, Visceralist is told by the bartender that they don't take credit cards. Fine. Bartender says there's an atm right behind Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist turns around and gets fucked by out-of-network ATM fees. Fine. Visceralist turns back around and hands bartender a Jackson to pay for drinks. Fine. Bartender gives someone else change and blanks on Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist points out that bartender owes him some paypa. Fine. Bartender says "You didn't give me a $20." Ain't this about a bitch. Muthafucka, you just told me to go to the ATM, ATMs only give out $20s, I just paid for this drink. The fuck you think we paid with?! Visceralist insists he did pay with a $20. Bartender relents, but eye-rolls Visceralist back into the 1800s. Sheesh. NYC Bartenders...YOU ARE NOT SACROSANCT!
Official Website - here. Their menu is a 7MB pdf. SMMFH.
Food? How late - apparently something, but Visceralist was waiting for their 7Mb pdf menu to download...and then the Sun swallowed the Earth 5 billion years later and it was still downloading, so...
TVs? What's on- well, they have karaoke on Thurs nights, so, mostly white text against a blue background.
Guy:girl ratio - can you believe Don slept with his assistant and then a week or so later she's (apparently) all good with it? Fuck. The '60s were a muhfuh.
Toys- you could prolly bounce a basketball once or twice against the wood-grain in the back without getting kicked out.
Age of clientele - Jay-Z's like 45 years old now, but he's still the coolest muhfuh in NYC, so what does that tell you?
Space for dancing? - yeah, in the back.
Music medium, style & volume- Visceralist came here on a Karaoke night recently and there was way too much Bruce & "Come On Eileen" and really, we should start a start that's just about songs that should not be done via karaoke. Or maybe a twitter...commenters?
Specials or most popular drink - if you actually get accurate change back without having to make a scene, you're way ahead of Visceralist, so....what does that tell you?

Also, we looked up the word "Profligate" on dictionary.com before writing this, but never found a good spot to squeeze it in. Whatever, we still want credit. Maybe it's a good adjective to describe the triflin' bartender...we don't know. Commenters?

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White Slab Palace

77 Delancey (btw Allen & Orchard)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-0193

Bathroom situation - immediately to your right when you enter you'll find 3 single-person closets and a communal sink. The one that Visceralist went into the other night only had the swanky urinal you see above, so we'll assume that the universal symbol for the male was on the door somewhere. In any event, if you find that you need to sit on something and ponder the vagaries of human nature [ed. we like to keep the fecal-talk to a minimum 'round here, so...], you may have to go into the closet with the dress-wearing image on the door (or they may have "Ladies" & "Gentlemen" placards on the doors here, we're a little fuzzy on this).
Takes credit cards? - no, which we'll grudgingly chalk up to WSP's current coming-of-age status. For now. Really, there's no reason for places in the LES to not take credit cards. Which, btw, Visceralist thinks we got roasted at Rosario's the other day. Commenters, what do you make of this: we ordered two slices, dude said the total was $7 (which is somewhat suspect, but ok, recession, whatever). We give dude a $20, he comes back and hands us $13 then immediately drops some change in the tip jug. Which made us think, "Wait, didn't this particular combination of slices usually cost $6.50 or $6-something before?" Is this a new thing? Tips is a must? Or is Visceralist just too busy recklessly eyeballin' some Summer-in-NYC spaghetti straps, and not paying attention to what's going on at the cash register? No shots either way...
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, and this is the odd thing. There's a dense encampment of folk that seem to congregate near the entrance on the weekends, which becomes a genuine NYC Clusterfuck. Granted, the bathrooms are near here, but still. There's a whole back room that no one seems to know about or acknowledge. SMH.
Seating - White Slab is deceptively spacious. The place is actually a normal-ish Scandinavian restaurant for brunch & dinner [ed. it transforms into full-on bar mode in the evenings, or at least close enough for Visceralist's purposes.], so there's a hamburger's helping of tables in the main room. 10-15 high-stools are at the bar. PLUS! There's an under-utilized back room which is just as wide-loady as the main room. For some reason they don't really go out of their way to point people in the direction of the back room, so ain't nothin goin on back there but the rent. Plus it seems slightly ominous for some reason.
Neighborhood - the section of the LES that's on a bit of a come-up lately. Casa Mescal is right around the corner and perennial Visceralist fave Chloe is but a block away. Note, however, that WSP on the side of Delancey that's difficult to catch a cab on [ed. prepositions ain't a must]. Opt for the north side if you really need to tip on outta there in a hurry.
Pretentious/assholes - Holy Moly. This is sorta to be expected at new LES hotspots, so it'll be another 9 months or so before WSP gets taken over by the khaki clique.
Cost of Stella -they don't get down, that's a no-go, ho. The bartender recommended a Radeberger as a replacement, but really now...no worries tho cuz Visceralist always keeps a green bottle of that "Stella...I love you" taped to the thigh for situations just such as this. We get it iiiinnnnn.
What time people start showing up- Visceralist was able to find a table for 2 in the main room at like 11pm on a recent Friday nite, but it was only through sheer luck. Extrapolate from that what you will and then add salt to taste.
Bartender efficiency - this place has actually managed to engender some of the most fervent bile on Yelp when it comes to the efficiency of service (for both food and drink) that Visceralist has seen in a while. From Visceralist's experience, this seems mostly apt. We'll leave it there.
Official Website - here. An abomination. Visceralist was actually considering cutting this place some slack until we saw their lazy & SMH-inducing site. In a move that rivals Lebron's "The Decision" in terms of audacious, oblivious triflin, they have the option of making reservations through the site with a deposit of $100 via Paypal. $100 - $1,500 that is. Just the unprecedented gall of this is truly gob-smacking. Not only that, the rest of their site is under fucking construction. Welp White Slab, like Homer said in the "Flaming Moe" epsiode, "You just lost yourself a customer!." To which Moe responded (over multiple cash-register ch-ching noises), "What was that?"
Food? How late - yes, this place is an allegedly-functioning "Scandinavian" restaurant (shouts out to Marcus Samuelsson). Uff da!
TVs? What's on- they were showing World Cup 2010 matches in the back room, but it was likely just a temporary thing. Shouts out to Vuvuzelas. Fuck what everyone else is going through, Visceralist wants them to catch on at NFL games this season.
Guy:girl ratio - are the t-shirts that are retrofitted to look like tank-tops really the hot shit in NYC this summer? Really? Oh word?
Toys- UC Lounge (down the street) got a pool table recently. Check that out.
Age of clientele - firmly 30s...which ain't bad actually cuz the LES needs spots that aren't overrun with the kind of youngsters who only appreciate slap-bracelets ironically cuz they weren't around when they were actually the hot shit.
Space for dancing? - 1,000 times no.
Music medium, style & volume- not sure cuz the crowd noise was actually louder. This place brings out the lout in people for some reason.
Specials or most popular drink - they don't have Stella here, so Visceralist heartily and joyously encourages flasks on the low-low.


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Lebron to MIA

Look at these fuckin' bitch-made ass Bad Boy bitches.

Visceralist Review: Rick Ross ft. Kanye West - "Live Fast, Die Young"

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Chloe Redux

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-0067
Now that Visceralist has actually been to Chloe, we thought it only fair that we write a slightly more accurate review than this one. Enjoy this!

Bathroom situation - two unisex units just past the bar (1 M, 1 F). They're about as tiny as David Geffen's hopes of getting Lebron to play for the Clippers, but certainly serviceable. Fancy faucets plus the paper towels are laying in stacks on the counter next to the sink...which, if this spot and Death & Company are to be believed, is "classy." No real complaints here, honestly.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $30 min. So, if you plan on having more than 2 drinks, you'll likely make it.
Crowded on weekends? - damn, playboy. Fuck what you heard, they keep this place sparse and downright dearthy. When Visceralist came here with a friend for said friend's bday party, we were stopped by the bouncer at the door and told to wait to the left after we gave the right name. Said bouncer then patched into his earpiece Matrix-style and spake thusly (ver batim), "Yeah, two guys here for xyz's party. Both wearing t-shirts and jeans. Yeah, they look arright. Two minutes? Ok..." Then, to us, "OK, guys, just a minute...and you'll have to take off the baseball cap, Visceralist." Roughly 2 minutes later, Visceralist and co. were eye-rolling our way up in that ho.
Seating - 4 or 5 stools at the bar, but a gang of booth area. This place is actually compact than a muh, but as we've discussed, the door policy is mad triflin', so there's usually no problem finding a cushioned something-or-other somewhere.
Neighborhood - the SoDe section of Ludlow has allegedly been on the come-up for a while now, but Visceralist still doesn't see anything but a few patches of blue water in a sea of BP. [ed. lucky for you, that reference will probably age well.]
Pretentious/assholes - granted, the bday girl throwing the party here the other night moved to NYC from the Mountain Time Zone but a few months ago, and so probably didn't know any better when choosing this place...but still and all, Visceralist managed to have some half-decent conversations and didn't encounter anyone in the line for the men's room talking about "Texas Rules." So, urrm...shit, this review is already emotionally draining...
Cost of Stella -Stella is actually one of the 2 or 3 beers on tap here. Still, they managed to trife it up. She was served in an 8 oz glass for $8...FSMFH.
What time people start showing up - this is the thing about this joint. The bouncers keep the place at only 50-ish% capacity all night. For what tho? Granted, Visceralist wasn't complaining about the relative lack of bathroom lines, but still. You have a rep for being exclusive, but then your revered chosen few walk in and are confronted with a half-empty closet the size of Schiller's restroom and thinking to themselves (Michael Bluth voice) "I've made a huge mistake..."
Bartender efficiency - owing to the aforementioned lack of capacity, you'll rarely have to wait more than a "New York Minute" for a drink. Kinda doesn't mean much tho if there's no struggle, ya know...?
Official Website - here. SMH-worthy.
Food? How late - they do have a full dinner menu on their site, but for what?
TVs? What's on - do not come here if you plan on making obvious, played-out jokes about the Shake Weight when the ad for it randomly pops up. [ed. Damn, calling out people for Shake Weight jokes? Have you read some of your stuff lately?]
Guy:girl ratio - The bouncers work very hard to keep this 50:50. The bouncers do an OK job of this.
Toys - conversation about how hard it is to get into this place will only last so long, so you'd better stock up on some Shake Weight jokes or something before you head in, cuz conversating is all they got here.
Age of clientele - the lighting in here was pretty dim and thus forgiving of folks' wrinkles and receding hairlines [ed. And you didn't love this place?!] , so it's hard to say.
Space for dancing? - yeah, one of the few benefits of a continual 50% capacity status.
Music medium, style & volume - do you love early-90's hits such as "I Love it When You Call Me Big Poppa" & "I Got a Man, I'm Not Trying to Hear That, See?" and suchlike?AND, do you hate all other kinds of music from any other era? Yeah? Ok then, you're all set. In fact, why are you not here right now?
Specials or most popular drink - beers served in 8oz glasses. Possibly other stuff, but if you're still here after finding out about the 8oz glass beer situation...AND you're the one paying (Visceralist dodged that bullet, ftw), then we need to talk about the huge mistakes you've made in life. Get at Visceralist in the comments.
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Visceralist Review: Drake - "Thank Me Later"

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Ava Lounge

210 W. 55th St. (btw Broadway & 7th Ave)
New York, NY 10019
(212) 956-7020

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W to the right when you get off the elevator. Both are white-tiled and surprisingly immaculate. The men's has framed photos of "tasteful nudes" on the wall. Presumably, the women's has equally tasteful photos of like Steve Nash and/or Lance Armstrong from that one Gatorade ad campaign (shouts out to Los Suns, btw).
Takes credit cards? - avec plaisir. Yeah, that's the kinda faux-familiarity you'll have to have with the Romance Langs in order to fit in here. 8th grade French w/ that one cute-ish grad student FTW!
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist will be god-damned if we ever show up in midtown on a weekend, walking slowly behind the map-holders.
Seating - the main space has like 4 stools at the bar, but a number of tables in the main area. There's a room around the corner that has like 6 couches, which will fit a small going-away party nicely. They also have one of the flyest roofdecks in NYC here which, if you actually go up there during the summer months, will be downright transcendent [ed. shouts out to hyperbole.].
Neighborhood - the grip-in-the-money-clip part of Midtown West. Meh. If you're here, it's prolly for something that you can leave after 1 drink, so don't worry too much.
Pretentious/assholes - sheeeiiiit. Basically, everyone that comes here and likes it either went to Dartmouth or UVA.
Cost of Stella -$8....eight fucking dollars. In the bottle. Plus tip, playboy.
What time people start showing up - it's Midtown and it has a roofdeck...and, as of this writing, it's essentially summer. That means, like 5ish - 7ish, this place is a shit-show like the ending of that old movie "Freaks."
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist doesn't really like goin' ham on bartenders in general, cuz we know how shitty the gig can be. But holy moly, do the bartenders here give you the "Pssshhht!" + eye-roll like ev-a-ry day. Granted, we came through rockin' the fitted New Era and some Levi's, but still. Frustrating shit. Plus, management makes them dress like some straight skeezas for some reason.
Official Website - here. The photos are great, but the rest is downright rudimentary. The Menu section is "Coming Soon" which is some bullshit, cuz this place has been a going concern for at least 3 years. Guess they're focusing their ad budget on print ads in the NY Sun and Observer.
Food? How late - Duane Reade now sells "NYC Experience" packages at the registers that include tix to plays and gift certificates at Murray Hill restaurants and suchlike. That > Ava Lounge.
TVs? What's on - no, cuz they're classy. Meanwhile, how bout some shouts out for LOST for being on a roll like whoa now that we're in the Final-Season home stretch.
Guy:girl ratio - there's a Facebook group called "I'm Single - You're Gonna Have to be Pretty Amazing to Change That." To which Visceralist replies "SMH...The problem with young people today...."
Toys - playing hide-and-seek with the bouncer after you put your New Era fitted back on, after dude told you to take it off (cuz this place is classy, mind).
Age of clientele - gotta be like 35-45. Fuck.
Space for dancing? - not really. Chicks can't really dance in heels and guys in suits who are stopping by Ava after a long day at Lehman aren't really in the mood.
Music medium, style & volume - but for some reason they have a DJ setup in the main bar area. He was spinnin shit like "Rumpshaker" and "I Got the Feelin" last time Visceralist was there, so...
Specials or most popular drink - honestly...fuck this place.
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Chloe

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 667-0067

This marks Visceralist's first review of an NYC bar that we haven't been to yet. Not for lack of trying, mind. It's just that their door policy is wack than one of Denise Huxtable's Gordon Gartrelle knockoffs. SMH. Didn't matter if Visceralist went with our mans'n'em or a jumpoff, we got shut down like your office computer during Xmas break. Now, granted, it may not be fair to review a bar based mostly on assumptions, their website and Yelp reviews...but Visceralist thinks it's equally as unfair for a bar to turn people away for reasons that are specious at best and triflin at worst. That said...

Bathroom situation - apparently two solo unisex drop-spots in back. This place is wild cozy, so this probably suffices. This place somehow cultivated a rep last year of being the east side's Beatrice Inn. Now, generally, Visceralist avoids the whole "This The New" kerfuffle cuz it's stupid (case in point: everyone thought Scarlett Johansson was the business for a while...then Christina Hendricks came through on some Betty Boop shit), so we won't comment on the cool-cache aspect, but if we're to compare Chloe to Beatrice as goes their respective, shall we say (if we may put this delicately), tolerance for people doing coke in the restrooms...[ed. our counsel won't let us finish this sentence].
Takes credit cards? - Not to give Yelp too much credit, but they say this place takes credit cards, so we'll agree with that. For now.
Crowded on weekends? - the bouncers would have you believe it's Oh So Packed, but if we wanna deal with reality, then Bjork would have you believe it's Oh So Quiet.
Seating - based on their site there's exactly 5 stools at the bar an roughly 4-5 red faux-pleather booths against the opposite wall.
Neighborhood - the small of the back of the LES.
Pretentious/assholes - (drooling) DEAR GOD YES. We assume. Granted there are places on the LES that are quasi-secret and/or have a tough door policy (shouts out to The Back Room & Milk+Honey), but Chloe goes to the trouble of not only posting two bouncers right outside, but also maintaining a list policy that keeps folks just waiting around at all hours. Even regulars. This essentially functions as a "Hey, we're exclusive!" sign in neon-lights with a dude handing out flyers at the corner that read "If you're reading this, you will not get in to Chloe tonight. Kill yaself!" This doesn't necessarily mean that the people who get in are pricks, but it doesn't help their case.
Cost of Stella -if our defensiveness is at all accurate, prolly like $25-$30 a bottle.
What time people start showing up - no clue, so it's prolly worth pointing out where this place is exactly. The entrance is found down a random stairwell in the middle of the block, just south of UC Lounge (the old Lounge 87). If they're actually letting people in, there'll likely be a bouncer sticking out comme un sore thumb, ice-grillin you if you make eye-contact.
Bartender efficiency - we would say terrible, but this place is apparently rarely more than 75% full, so we'll say slightly-less-than-terrible.
Official Website - available in the intro. The photos on the main page are pretty, but the rest of the site is a big ol' stinky HTML 3.ugh fail. Stick with Yelp. Or Visceralist.
Food? How late -they have a surprisingly eclectic menu on their site, but considering the size of the place, the food is prolly prepared with matches, on top of a matchbox, on top of the chef's knee in a damn cubbyhole in the back. Shit. When was the last time you were in a cubbyhole?
TVs? What's on - prolly reruns of some President signing some historic health care legislation or some shit.
Guy:girl ratio - If any male humans actually get into this place, they prolly got that cheese, cheddar, mozzarella AND the provolone, so you know what the female humans will be doing [ed. this Choose Your Own Adventure review shit ends this week, btw]
Toys - some diamond-encrusted triflin.
Age of clientele - most people here are prolly familiar with Usher, but would have no idea why he now hangs out with that short white kid who looks like a broke Zac Efron.
Space for dancing? - oh fuck yeah...the sign up list for their weekly running-man-off is longer than Justin Beiber's androgynous hair.
Music medium, style & volume - prolly loud, prolly boring...Chloe, hit us up with an invite if you wanna prove us wrong!
Specials or most popular drink - a shot of comeuppance in the next life (fingers crossed).
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Deep Visceralue Sea

The fucking shark turned on a fucking oven. Then stood back and checked its watch. Then the pic above happened.

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Waka Flocka Flame

Don't you dare call him lyrical. He's too busy.

This

For sale here, playboy.

The Blue Seats

157 Ludlow St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 614-1494

Bathroom situation - they got 3 single-person units, so when the clock hits 00:00 you can bet that your bladder lost 14oz - 0. Forealdo, a sports bar with this kind of limited bathroom situation is taking an L till the break of dawn. If you really really have to go, sneak down the street to Spitzer's.
Takes credit cards? - yes ma'am [ed. that's for your "football" team, Michigan...shots fired!].
Crowded on weekends?- depends on whether it's tennis grand-slam season or not. If not, then yes. If so, then no. Which, btw, Agassi said in the new Vanity Fair that he wishes he had Federer's talent. Poor guy...Federer, that is. Now he's gotta play Andre off at tennis dinner parties and suchlike...
Seating - this is where The Blue Seats gets all controversial like Ruby...they have 3 (4?) pretty slick booths equipped with 5 flat-screens each which can fit around 6 or 7 comfortably and which can conceivably play any game in the land that's on at that particular point in time. Catch is that they charge by the hour for them. They also have a sick (you'll hear that word a lot around here) viewing room in the upstairs area in the back which is like something out of an episode of cribs where the guy actually owns the place they're showing (shouts out to Smilez & Southstar). Controversial cuz they dare charge for prime seating real estate like this in the LES, but really can you blame them? Though Visceralist is loathe to defend one of Libation's cousins like this, you know that Local 138 is right down the street and Lucky Jacks is right around the corner, so if you're hatin', (GOB voice:) come on!
Neighborhood- hipstery enough to make The Blue Seats seem out of place cuz it attracts too much khaki and not enough denim, but also gentrified enough to make The Blue Seats seem out of place cuz it attracts too much khaki and not enough cashmere. [ed. can we get the Geneva Convention on the line about this metaphor?]
Pretentious/assholes- let's just say that if Visceralist had an AdSense nickel for every time the phrase "it is what it is" is used around this place over the course of an average month, we'd be able to ditch both AdSense & Visceralist and post up on a hammock in St. Lucia till the Mayan calendar resets and makes everything moot.
Cost of Stella- they have it here in draft form and it'll set you back about as much as a Subway $5 foot-long (+tax)...there's a Subway 3.5 blocks south on Ludlow btw. They don't have Stella though.
What time people start showing up - sports o'clock...which is usually about 3 hours before the Michigan Wolverines lose to THE Ohio State University Buckeyes.
Bartender efficiency- if you're seated and actually getting wait-service, you're basically fucked and should prolly sneak in some stuff from Rosario's (they have beef patties and they'll put pepperoni & cheese in them for you if you ask). If you're actually going up to the bar for drinks, you're likely to get someone's attention by waving around a $20 and making noises like Kramer was when he was trying to get Mickey Mantle's attention in some TV show.
Official Website - here. Lil Wayne was talking about The Blue Seats' website when he ad-libbed "Check me out, look..." on the song "Always Strapped."
Food? How late- fuck, finally! Some of the best American-style tapas you'll be able to find in the LES no matter how many stones you turn over or kilts you peek under. Wait, we're talking about Stanton Social, right?
TVs? What's on - yeah, um, think so, um doi doi doi, duh duh, duhhhhhh. Derrrrr. Um, yeah I think a sports bar in New York City would have TVs, um hello?!?!
Guy:girl ratio - needs work.
Toys - knee-slappin, fist-bumpin, bro-hamin, beer-chuggin, Bucks-winnin, bill-payin, cab-callin, cock-yankin, tear-fallin.
Age of clientele - if anyone here is under 27, please join AmeriCorps and/or seek help before it's too late.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist always tries to reserve some space for dancing on the grave of the once-proud Wolverines who we seem to remember at one point actually stood a chance of beating Tressel's troops. But that's about it.
ID Check Procedure - if you're actually underage and try to sneak in here, you deserve everything you get. Yes, all the chips and the dip.
Music medium, style & volume - if it's not a chant you could easily squeeze in between a turnover and a snap, you won't hear it here. So no Kid Cudi.
Specials or most popular drink- this isn't really a happy-hour type place, but they do have $0.25 wing nights pretty regularly. Check their sick-ass website for more.
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Mug Lounge

448 E. 13th St (btw 1st & A)
New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357

Bathroom situation - two bisexual closets in between the bar and the "lounge" area. Both are fairly clean, but they have Bounty paper towel rolls there, not like a dispenser. So now you're thinking about how brokeass that is, but they also have candles and framed paintings all up in there too, so now you're like "this must be what the good apartments in the Bronx are like."
Takes credit cards? - yes, but with a savvy $15 min. Savvy when most of the happy hour drinks are $6 each (you do the math).
Crowded on weekends? - hysterical. I was ready to devour this section like the end of the Col. Landa / von Hammersmark scene in Inglorious Basterds...but...it seems kinda un-gentlemanly. This place is so frequently empty as to inspire remiscences of the good ol' days of money-laundering fronts back in late 80's NYC. [ed. that's a bingo!]
Seating - like Mike Vick right after a 2 year bid and at an afterparty at a club in the ATL that notoriously caters to insecure chicks...you'll have your fuckin pick.
Neighborhood - across the street from 13th street's only sick apartment building. You'll be much better off if you somehow find a friend who lives there and go chill on their sectional.
Type of crowd - n/a
Pretentious/assholes - no comment....cuz there's never anyone here, it's sorta like dividing any number by zero. You'll just wind up annoyed and kinda sad.
Cost of Stella - this place's one saving grace is that they have it at the market rate of $6/pint.
What time people start showing up - if people ever show up at this place it'll be because Channel 5 News is covering someone who got noodle-knocked across the street and the camera man and sound guy need a taste in between takes lest they kill themselves.
Bartender efficiency - not sure if Visceralist had a bad experience here once or if it's endemic, but the bitch bartender said they don't make mojitos then put a menu on the bar that listed mojitos. That's just poor.
Official Website - here. They confidently advertise that they have an "event space" where any other respectable bar would call the large section of their continuously-empty square-footage a "tax write-off." That's simple economics, bitches.
Food? How late - they have orange and lemon slices to put in the drinks, but given how crowded this place never gets, they're prolly expired.
TVs? What's on - stop trying to make them feel bad.
Guy:girl ratio - unclear...the bartenders here aren't that cute, so presumably no dude would come here alone. Will have to get back to you.
Toys - most of the couches in the "lounge" area have cushions. That's about all you're getting.
Age of clientele - folks too old to realize that just hanging out near Alphabet City dosn't make you subversive in the least. Plus, all the kids who would bother making fun of you are in the bar a few doors down: Key Bar.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist hates discouraging weaklings from dancing, but seriously if you even try here you are a prime candidate for YouTube or AFV or I don't know what...
Grimeyness - if Bloomberg's maid has a housekeeper...prolly like her house.
ID Check Procedure - "Get your ass in here."
Music medium, style & volume - house music. And yeah, all the bad (puke) connotations.
Specials or most popular drink - on Friday 2 for 1 drinks, but tons of exceptions, so just go to Key Bar.
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