Donna

27 Broadway (Btw Kent & Dunham Pl.)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

No Reservations

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person unisex units just around the kitty-corner in the back, to the left. Both big enough to fit “one” person and clean enough to really get down to some raw, intense, up-against-the-wall or bent-over-gripping-the-sink, god-fuck-yes “thinking” done.
Takes credit cards? - Visceralist just bought a cap at a boutique store that used a Square card-reader via an iPhone 3GS. It borked reading the card a bunch of times and dude had to eventually type in our Black Amex # which sort of defeated the purpose. Still, the cap is fly, so if you see Visceralist out, give us our due dap, sucka.
Crowded on weekends? - Donna is fairly new, out of the way, and generally only known to the South WBurg locals - having said that, they do have some fly DJs Thur-Sat and it is pretty small, so mathematize that yourself.
Seating - 18 stools at the bar, a smattering of small tables just opposite and a large, communal-style table in the back which can accommodate a good sized going-away party (even if you just know the non-profit world isn’t for her).
Neighborhood - just next to a robust construction site that appears to be erecting what looks like a Holiday Inn designed by whoever it is that draws Emojis.
Pretentious/assholes - nah, man. It’s well off the radar of most NYC bolos, so conviviality is a must.
Cost of Stella - not a thing here, which is a deep d’oh.
What time people start showing up - tea-time in the meantime. But for real, for real, the crowd dynamic here is fairly fluid, so just come whenever, bring whover, dress however, say whatever, pay whatever they tell you to pay, then put another 20% on it.
Bartender efficiency - a cursory glance at the Yelp reviews of Donna will paint an unflattering, George Condo-esqe portrait of the service here, but in our experience, this is not to be believed. Now granted, good-looking, charismatic, bon-vivant, fly-than-a-muhfuh stunnas dressed in all Etiqueta Negra everything tend to get better service than most, but hey...
Official Website - here. A bit more minimalist than we typically condone (where the fuck is the menu?), but an adequate first draft.
Food? How late - yes, small plates. They have a $10 tomato on there for some reason, which is unequivocally trife, but the rest is cute enough.
TVs? What's on - nope, so you’ll have to pick another spot for your Breaking Bad premiere party. July 15th can’t cook soon enough.
Guy:girl ratio - can easily tip in either direction because the space is so cozy-comfy.
Toys - to guys who come to bars on their own with no plans to meet anyone and no smartphone with which to appear distracted, I say: “You’re better than me.”
Age of clientele - appears to skew early-30s, which is the new late-20s according to people in their 50s (new 30s).
Space for dancing? - no, which is odd considering that...
Music medium, style & volume - DJs Thur-Sun night.
Specials or most popular drink - all cocktail everything. 

GMT

142 Bleecker St. (Btw Laguardia Pl & Thompson St)

NYC, NY 10012

(646) 863-3776

Bathroom situation - 2 in the back corner (helpfully illuminated with an old-timey “WC” globe light). They’re both clean as a whistle and have those “one faucet for hot and a separate one for cold” sinks that never annoy anyone and aren’t at all pointless and everyone loves and speaks of highly.
Takes credit cards? - (Tommy from Martin voice) Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh, daaaawwwwggggg...God, what a fuckin’ great show. Gonna go watch a few episodes on YouTube now, brb.
Crowded on weekends? - haha, Martin told someone to “Get to steppin’!” Classic.
Seating - long-ass bar like that one in the Saloon in Back to the Future III: Fuck Any Semblance of Time-Travelling Logic, We Gettin’ Money! Plus a smattering of tables in the “restauranty” section and an outdoor patio area with 10 or so tables along Laguardia Pl.
Neighborhood - it’s become a cliche to point out that it’s a cliche to talk shit about the part of Greenwich Village that’s firmly tucked under NYU’s taint. The Visceralist can do better, watch.
Pretentious/assholes - dear lord, yes. Also, Visceralist has seen more than one baby in this bar on more than one occasion. I’ve referenced David Cross’ excellent “There’s a baby...in the bar” bit numerous times before, but it’s just as true today as it was whenever he recorded Let America Laugh. I’d elaborate here, but it’s considered gauche in the comedy world to completely rehash another comedian’s bit, so just go buy the DVD.
Cost of Stella - $6 by the bottle, which is surprising because GMT regularly catches flack for over-charging for beer. They have roughly 30 different types on tap, most of which are imported and they’ll generally only run $1 more than market rate - and that’s if you can even find them anywhere else (which you can, but still).
What time people start showing up - they don’t typically attract a huge happy-hour crowd, but the dinner crowd can segue seamlessly into a large “Ok, let’s see...who’s hot in here? Hmmm, ok...who’s cute in here? Hmmm, ok...” crowd before you know it.
Bartender efficiency - they have to dress up here, which sucks, so I feel like I should cut them some slack, but last time Visceralist was here the bartender didn’t get my “So, do you have beer here?” joke, so do with that info what you will.
Official Website - here. It has a large photo of the bar at night and a “website coming soon” notice (this place has been open for over a year) and then a link to itself at the bottom. In retrospect, no wonder they didn’t get my awesome “Hey, uh...so y’all got any beer up in here?” joke.
Food? How late - yeah, big ass British pub-type menu with Scotch Eggs and everything.  
TVs? What's on - none immediately visible, but they do have a dropdown screen in the front window onto which they’ll project the occasional EPL football match or MLS soccer game.
Guy:girl ratio - because of the dim lighting they deploy here, it has the veneer of a “Hey, let’s just grab a drink, I know this new British pub-type spot in the Village. The bartenders have great senses of humor.” type date-spot.
Toys - last time Visceralist was here, the head bartender dude had the look of someone who’d probably yell out “Oy!” at me if I tried to “get cute” in his “establishment.” So I left the PUA magic tricks firmly tucked up under my cape that night. Swag.
Age of clientele - early 30s - early 40s if we had to guess.
Space for dancing? - a thousand times no. Don’t you even so much as.
Music medium, style & volume - dulcet and low-key. Unobtrusive and benign. Be easy and let’s chill. Sit down over here, girl, let me say my peace. You don’t like what I have to say or how I say it then I got the tab, your cab and I ain’t even mad. However. You do like they way I use my talk...then let’s get out of here, it’s too loud, and you’re too beautiful. Swag.
Specials or most popular drink - they have that expensive Macallan scotch by the shot.

Ludlow Manor

95 Delancey St (corner of Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
no phone, but @LudlowManor

Bathroom situation - street level, towards the back, take a mean left, then down the stairs, then around the damn corner. Then down the fuckin' hall, god damn! Fuckin' trail of tears trying to get to this shit.
Takes credit cards? - in one chapter of David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas that's set in a dystopian future world, the credit system is described as being essentially the same as one's soul. Not that they've magically/mystically replaced people's souls with credit somehow - it's just that "soul" is the name they use to describe the credit system. Anyway, if the novel has somehow managed to accurately predict the future (i.e. that Mitchell is a witch), one gets the sense that Ludlow Manor and its mgmt will somehow be the impetus of this new system. Explanation why coming up below...
Crowded on weekends? - can't really say because, technically, this place has only been in soft-open mode since last Saturday and won't open for real until this Saturday. However! Visceralist was invited this past Friday and rolled. Now, "invited" is V-speak for "happened to be in line behind folks who actually were invited and just said 'yep' when the bouncer asked if we were with them" but the point is we were up in there, occupying the Manor like we had a protest permit.
Seating - ...but some dude in what can only be described in the Lower East Side's raunchiest fur coat prevented us from going to check out the upstairs, so we can only really speak on the ground level. Forealdo, there were roughly 10-15 stools at the bar, a few more arranged around the shelves abutting the windows in front and a few booths and tables scattered around the Manor's admittedly impressive square footage.
Neighborhood - not long ago, this stretch of Ludlow boasted only the disappointing 87 (which was later re-branded as the only marginally less disappointing UC Lounge). It now features the splendid Hotel Chantelle,the abysmally triflin' Chloe 81, and now this. So how that go?
Pretentious/assholes - according to this, the management of this place wants to attract "sexy people that care how their hair looks." Now, this is a shame because there was an opportunity here for them to create something with that could rival its neighbor, Hotel Chantelle (a Visceralist favorite, full disclosure), in terms of atmosphere, clientele, carriage, demeanor, je ne sais quois & VIP offers to local nightlife bloggers with zero integrity and an audience of dozens. Suffice to say, they did not dress Visceralist up in their love.
Cost of Stella - so far they only have them in bottles here. Fun fact! Visceralist has been told that in the UK, they've adopted the term "wifebeater" to describe a pint of Stella because it's so damn plebeian. How that go?

White Star

21 Essex St. (btw Division & Hester)

New York, NY 10012
no digits

Bathroom situation - 2 downstairs, both with functional locks, so you don't have to worry about a replay of that one scene from the doll episode of Curb in season 2 where Larry's supposed to be watching the door while Cheryl's in the bathroom, then he gets distracted, then the plumber dude walks in on her "at the worst possible moment" (her words). God, that'd be the worst. Even for a dude.
Takes credit cards? - no, and they don't have an ATM either, so be sure to get your racks right before carrying your drinking problem across the threshold.
Crowded on weekends? - this place is smaller than a cherry's butthole, but somehow never gets too cramped.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, and a backroom with plush seating for, say, 10-15.
Neighborhood - the off-the-grid, "Into the Wild" portion of the LES/Chinatown border. Cabs be scarce and women be shoppin.
Pretentious/assholes - do douches still pop collars? Visceralist hasn't seen this in a while, so we'll assume it's an artifact at this point. Hmmm...time for an ironic comeback? Commenters...?
Cost of Stella - you'll have to do that old trick where you sneak some in in a Snapple bottle then take a few cheeky swigs when the bartender isn't looking. Cuz they don't sell it here.
What time people start showing up - though White Star apparently has a fairly strong profile in general (126 Yelp reviews and counting), it seems to cater mostly to regulars who stop by, find out what the good word is, then peace in the middle east.
Bartender efficiency - this is a cocktail-driven bar, and the cocktails they slang are fairly elaborate (pestles fucking mortars), so bring your kindles.
Official Website - none. Btw, best Bodie line from the Wire - in Season 2 when they're running out of product and two of his underlings come around asking for severance pay because they haven't had any work in a while and Bodie's like "Y'all better go and get the hell on before I lose my composure out this bitch!"
Food? How late - though Bodie has a shaved head throughout most of the series, in the pilot he has his hair like Kobe's when he first got into the league. Most likely because the pilot was filmed separately from the rest of Season 1.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist still thinks they made Bodie a bit too sympathetic in Season 4, given what he did to Wallace, but he did get his predictable comeuppance, so...composure!
Guy:girl ratio - can't stop a woman from shoppin...
Toys - if Visceralist remembers correctly, there's a pole in the backroom. Work that core!
Age of clientele - skews 30s.
Space for dancing? - is pole-dancing really dancing or is it more narcissism in motion. Commenters?
Music medium, style & volume - they sometimes have a DJ here on the weekends, but usually you'll be treated to the bartender's iPod's essential best-of greatest hits.
Specials or most popular drink - try the Stevens Point Ale. We hear it's the bomb (#SantangeloSeason3Hamsterdam).

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Room 18

18 Spring St. (btw Elizabeth & Mott)

New York, NY 10012
(212) 219-0942

Bathroom situation - oof. One single, solitary unit in the back that caters to both Adam & Eve (which, btw, if they had two sons, how did the whole rest of the human race come from just them? Commenters, help us out here). For a space as large as this, in a neighborhood that gets as crowded as that and attracts a clientele as drunk as the third, this is an egregious oversight. Our advice: if you happen to find yourself here and you start feeling that familiar tingling sensation, just go somewhere else.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernible minimum, which is a pleasant throwback nostalgia good ol' days why isn't the Captain America movie coming out on July 4th?
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist's first/last Room 18 experience was on a recent Friday evening. It was well after happy hour (happier hour?) and, hand to heart, hand on the Bible, all I have in this world is my word & my balls: it was pretty crowded. Enough has been said!
Seating - considering how many people they pack in here, the seating options are cantankerously limited. Flibbity-jibbet!
Neighborhood - if it can be said that SoHo has an edgy part, then Visceralist is gonna go ahead and say that Room 18 in the edgy part of SoHo. Not edgy to the point where you'd want to "tool-up" with the "biscuit" and be ready for some potential "ratchet-time" just in case it "goes down," but you might want to just double check that your wallet's actually still in your back pocket every now and then.
Pretentious/assholes - though Room 18 is the kind of nondescript SoHo hangout spot that typically does attract its fair share of Sean Parker wannabes, Visceralist didn't find anything worth fretting over.
Cost of Stella - now! Now we'll tell you why we've so far been so salty about Room 18. There's really no other way to put it other than to just come right out and blurt it right on out: cans of Tecate are 6 "Samuel L. Jackson" dollars! Each! So the first thing Visceralist did upon hearing that the two cans we just asked for would run us $12 - that is, after the smelling salts took effect and we freshened up in the restroom (after waiting in line for 10 minutes) - was to launch into a lecture that began "Where do you get off?!" And that's exactly what we did. Wait, no, that's not what we did. We paid for it with a credit card and a smiled while doing it. Fuck Our Lives.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got there 12ish the other night and it was already gilled to the packs. Ugh, $6 for a fucking Tecate! 6! And we ain't talking Blossom's friend! Even Blossom's friend Six would know better than to charge that much for a can of that particular brand of micturition. And she was dumb enough to have a crush on Joey Whoa! And he was dumb enough to put out that terrible single that helped his album go quadruple platinum! The fuck??!
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist has never worked as a bartender, but we imagine that when it gets crowded at a place like this, from their point of view it must look like E. Honda's "100-hands" special move, with each hand annoyingly clutching a $20. Commenters, is this accurate?
Official Website - Google & Yelp say that they have room18ny.com, but they either forgot to renew their domain recently, or forgot to not be idiots, cuz their site is currently one big piece of spamshit.
Food? How late - they apparently have some nibbles earlier in the evening, but the Yelpster community says that they're nothing to resign from US Congress over.
TVs? What's on - no NBA for like the next 4 months, so no need to have a TV, we suppose.
Guy:girl ratio - airtight.
Toys - 6 fucking dollars...ssmh (the first "s" is for "still").
Age of clientele - well, it's SoHo, so you know it's all about 30 year-olds and the 50 year-olds that tolerate them.
Space for dancing? - if they persist in charging $6 for cans of Tecate, then the only dancing that Visceralist is interested in is the "Ottoman hump" dance that we'll be doing on Room 18's grave when they finally go under.
Music medium, style & volume - why isn't there a foursquare for music?
Specials or most popular drink - if they even have Stella here, it's probably like $22 a bottle or something. Fuck's sake...

Terminal 5

610 W. 56th Street (btw 11th & 12th Aves)

New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-6600

Bathroom situation - T5 is a fucking cavernous architectural abomination and, when we deign tip a toe inside, we here at Visceralist tend to spend our time on the 3rd floor balcony area. As such, most of this review will be told from that perspective. We could probably devote an entry each to each of the 3 levels, but that much flattery would make T5 think we actually like it when, really, we just put up with it cuz it likes some of the same bands we like and is the only game in town some nights. Anyway, the bathroom set up on the top level is actually pretty fucking perfect. There are roughly 10 single-person units in a row against the stage-side wall and there's an attendant there to keep things nice and orderly, thus preventing all those line-jumping fucks from taking advantage of you cuz they "really gotta go." Downside is that they only let one person in at a time...unless you show that tip basket some love after your first trip. [ed. Christ, this prose is already an editorial WMD...did you learn nothing at all from the "The Wire" season 5 marathon we did this weekend?]. Plus each bathroom is lit in Blue Valentine "Future Room" neon blue.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, each bar has those touchscreens with the green squares that each correspond to a different drink (right?). So, if you feel like yelling your complicated last name into the bartender's ear over the din of distorted bass reverberating around the airspace of this converted Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Annex (true story), then you go right ahead and leave that Discover card open for the night.
Crowded on weekends? - depends...did they move the show your going to see to T5 from Webster Hall or from Radio City (yep, shots fired at you CWK! Congratulations...you will always be forgotten).
Seating - a few booths and tables against the walls on the 2nd and 3rd floors, but you best believe that once Blonde Redhead or Miike Snow hits the stage, they'll be emptier than the seats at a Miami Heat home game 10 mins into the first quarter.
Neighborhood - in the frozen hinterlands of Hell's Kitchen and, quite frankly, a little too close to the Hudson for comfort. However, savvy cabbies generally know when there are shows and when they let out (12ish due to union rules, apparently), so if you don't mind waiting, you'll be able to get one. But still...muthafuck the west side!
Pretentious/assholes - shouts out to Bowery Presents, cuz they do do a good bit of business most times, but T5 is still the west side, so...
Cost of Stella - $6, plus the standard plastic cup service charges...so, $8 plus tip.
What time people start showing up - well, Visceralist showed up to the recent Girl Talk show at like 10:18ish, and it was already going down like nitro, so...
Bartender efficiency - terrible, but, to be fair, they do get a lot of Palins in there who are like "I want a cosmo....and Jeff wants two Heinekens...Jeff! Heinekens, right?! How many? Oh wait, ok, so Jeff wanted two, but Marcus wanted one too...so 3 Heinekens...and 2 cosmos."
Official Website - here. It's part of the Bowery Presents family of sites, which are intuitively laid-out, efficient and perfunctory.
Food? How late - Visceralist found out the hard way today that there is a distinct difference between Boar's Head's Gruyere and their French Gruyere. First commenter who can guess which we prefer gets 50 Visceralist bucks!
TVs? What's on - how is it that Rockwood is like the only NYC venue that has flatscreens that actually broadcast what's happening on stage to other parts of the venue?
Guy:girl ratio - probably depends on the show. The recent Downtown Records showcase was predictably dick-heavy, but the Girl Talk show was more favorably babe-heavy.
Toys - if Yelp comments are to be believed, the bouncers here ain't known for their guff-tolerance, so toying with their emotions is a do not do.
Age of clientele - again, will depend on which side of the career-trajectory bell curve the headliner is currently enjoying.
Space for dancing? - commenters, any guesses on what will supplant the Dougie as the new hot dance shit now that the LA Times has run a drive-by on it?
Music medium, style & volume - T5's acoustics catch a lot of flack from a lot of would-be audiophiles, but really, most people can't tell the difference between 128k and 320k bitrates, so fuck them and their Super Audio CDs.
Specials or most popular drink - "Oh, you're out of Heineken? Then why is that plastic cup turned over on the Heineken tap? Oh, that means you're out? Huh...Jeff! They're out of Heineken! Ok, well what do you have that's like Heineken?"

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Black Door

127 W. 26th Street (btw 6th & 7th Aves)

New York, NY 10001
(212) 645-0215

Bathroom situation - 3 unisex in the main room and 2 unisex in the backroom. As evidenced by the photo above, Visceralist was going straight HAM in one of the backroom room-room's the other night. The bathroom bouncer saw the Heineken in our hand and was like, "Ooohhhh, from the commercial, right!?" with a big Odie grin on his face.
Takes credit cards? - sheeeeiiittt, they didn't stop taking Visceralist's credit card info!
Crowded on weekends? - crowded NYC bars are crowded.
Seating - the Black Door doesn't take reservations, so it's first come, first served. Yo, save us a spot!
Neighborhood - Visceralist had to go to the Home Depot on 23rd street to get a replacement toilet seat for Visceralist.com HQ a yearish ago. That was the first time we'd been in the Flatiron district proper. The recent trip to the Black Door was the 2nd. Unless the LES somehow folds over the city like that Paris scene in Inception, there will not be a third.
Pretentious/assholes - this ain't your daddy's average Flatiron dive bar. No, ma'am (shouts out to The King's Speech). It's more like your childhood best friend's older brother's. The one who used to chuck those Nerf footballs at you at top speed [ed. fuck that foam shit, those can still hurt] when you just came over to play some Grand Theft Auto 3 in the basement...then he still expected you to hide his 12-pack of Miller under that one blanket until their mom left. Fuck, and that's why you still won't get near any Playstation. Still.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist took one look at the bartender's ironed-shirt & bow-tie combo and figured we wouldn't be able to afford it, so we stuck with the previously aforementioned Heineken. Shit was still like $7 tho...on the strempf.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hasn't showed up at a bar before 12am since Cheney was peppering his buddies' faces with buckshot like his first name was Cayenne. Just being honest and keeping it real. Cuz that's a virtue 100% of the time.
Bartender efficiency - they know the score and they're serving for the match, bitch. Vamos Rafa!
Official Website - they don't got one but Visceralist is thinking about a redesign to make this shit a bit more HTML 5-y. Thoughts, commentariot?
Food? How late - if variety is the spice of life, they have a lot of salt & pepper here. [ed. Ok, that metaphor almost just folded in over itself like that one Paris scene in Inception...and that is not a compliment.]
TVs? What's on - Visceralist thinks we can all agree now that The Big Lebowski has been wildly overrated, but we'll be cot-damned if J. Bridges didn't murk the fuck out of True Grit. The Academy loves (loves, loves!) actors who play real people though, so he really should've played John Wayne playing that sheriff if he wanted that gold eunuch. He shot a damn snake in the face tho, so fuck it.
Guy:girl ratio - prolly equivalent to that Star Trek reboot (counting extras).
Toys - and while we're talking about J.J. Abrams, can we finally all agree that the LOST finale DVD extra postscript was just straight triflin, unnecessary bullshit?
Age of clientele - things learned from the Sex and the City oeuvre: Sex and the City's success bankrolled so many quality HBO series (looking at you, The Wire & The Comeback) that if they wanna act like 40 is the new 20, just fuckin let them have their fuckin fun.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has recently been learning the Dougie (that's some crispy new hot shit, so don't worry, you'll prolly hear about it in the next 6 months or so) and had the opportunity to show it off here recently. Blown minds were blown.
Music medium, style & volume - loud and Top 40'd to the Tippecanoe and Tyler too!
Specials or most popular drink - they'll pour your stupid ass a drink, so either get your ass in or get your ass on.

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The Cabin Down Below

110 Avenue A (entrance on 7th btw A & B)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 614-9798

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person units right next to the bar. There is a constant, unyielding line at all times, so as much as you may want to listen to a little bit of "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" while you're peeing, do not do because people are waiting and looking awkward.
Takes credit cards? - yeah and for some reason this place reminds Visceralist of the scene in "Dig!" where the singer from The Dandy Warhols was talking about his band's recoupment status with their label and says "We were so in the black it's not even funny." As if. Cunt. *dead*
Crowded on weekends? - fuck yeah, man.
Seating - the set up is like a restaurant, and they have these booths that are mad claustrophobic like on some "Or else it gets the hose again" shit.
Neighborhood - belly of the beast, muhfucka.
Pretentious/assholes - fuck yeah, man. Tons of singers from The Dandy Warhols here.
Cost of Stella - they're mostly about cocktails here, so don't get gas-faced asking for a beer here like some simpin'-ass hook.
What time people start showing up - as befits this spot's speakeasy facade, the cool kids wouldn't be caught dead here before 3am.
Bartender efficiency - The Cabin Down Below has an unfortunate bottle-neck problem near the bar because it's so small, but the 'tenders here are gasp! surprisingly adept at pourin' that poison.
Official Website - Visceralist is of the opinion that every place, even "speakeasies", should have some type of web-presence. But a lot of managements seem to think it helps their allure to avoid this altogether. They're wrong.
Food? How late - apparently the entrance to this place used to be through some random backdoor in a pizza place around the corner. Thank God they peace'd that pretentious bullshit.
TVs? What's on - best show of '10? Welp, Visceralist loved Boardwalk Empire, but mostly for the gangsta shit that Jimmy got into...Mad Men had their best season, true, but nothing was fucking with the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul for President.
Guy:girl ratio - it's a gang of foxxy mommas here.
Toys - they have candles here, so you can do that game that everyone knows about where you take turns pouring hot wax on your hand and see who flinches first.
Age of clientele - Visceralist will (hopefully) be 40 someday, so we really shouldn't talk shit, but...c'mon son.
Space for dancing? - This.
Music medium, style & volume - if Visceralist ever comes here not wasted up the fuck, we'll let you know.
Specials or most popular drink - $12 cocktails...I know, right?

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Photo

The Narrows

1037 Flushing Ave (btw Morgan & Wilson)

Brooklyn, NY 11237
(ONO) YOU-DINT

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex joints in arrears.
Takes credit cards? - the fuck outta here with that ol' bullshit. This. Right here. Is Bushwick.
Crowded on weekends? - The Narrows [ed. presumably] takes its name from its letter I-shaped floor plan, so there's barely enough space to do a convincing Dougie dance, so there's barely enough room for it to get too crowded.
Seating - 8 or 9 bolted-to-the-flo' stools at the bar and a small booth in the front. Plus some kind of backyard that wasn't open the last time Visceralist was there.
Neighborhood - as alluded to above, this is what could be considered the swagged-out section of Bushwick....so only a few scary warehouses. No yellow cabs, but you already knew that.
Pretentious/assholes - certainly not as many as were in the stands last night when Lebron was roasting the Cavs so tough.
Cost of Stella - The Narrows prides itself on serving "craft beers" so asking for a Stella will get you one of them looks. You know the look. The "well why don't you call the wahmbulance" look. It's all gucci, though.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hates the phrase "drips and drabs" cuz it's not even a real phrase [ed. says the person who's still trying to coin "There it is, Elizabeth...there it is."], but it seems appropriate here.
Bartender efficiency - the specialty cocktails they serve here are somewhat involved as far as prep, but the gents here are adept enough, so it's not like the sun will explode before you get your drink, unlike at Delmano [ed. damn, shots fired].
Official Website - here. Sparse than a muhfugga.
Food? How late - Visceralist came here based on the recommendation of a bartender at the nearby Roberta's. Fun fact! Roberta's was inspired by best-pizza-in-the-US-supplier Pepe's.
TVs? What's on - Boardwalk Empire has its issues, sure, but you know you can't front on how goddamn gangsta it gets some times. You know this.
Guy:girl ratio - seemed fairly even the other night. Btw, this is some hot shit.
Toys - well, the bartender's hair looked like it was cut with some Legos, so they may have some of those in the back.
Age of clientele - the usual.
Space for dancing? - he may be is a fucking cunt, but Chris Brown does a mean Dougie [ed. FF to 2:57]
Music medium, style & volume - how the fuck did Fergie make it onto "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"? Does she really have juice like that? Cuz you know Kanye wasn't like, "Yo, you know what this fucking amazingly awesome track needs? That one chick that the label forced the Black Eyed Peas to add in order to seem more mainstream."
Specials or most popular drink - a Bud + Jameson shot or a Sol + Jalapeno Tequila shot for $6.

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Hotel Chantelle

92 Ludlow St. (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9100

Bathroom situation - Visceralist seems to recall that there are a M & W just to the right of the bar, but there are definitely 2 unisex units immediately to your left when you enter. Fuckin strong drinks here...like, on some Four Loko shit [ed. see, we got references for yo' ass!]. They're all perfectly reasonable, but seem a tad flimsy for a place that's so clearly trying so hard to project that certain je ne fuckin sais quois.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but the bartender's eye-roll the other night told us loudly and clearly that they do not like having to do that thing where you put $15 on one card and the rest on another cuz you're close to your limit on the first one. Fuckers all uppity like they haven't ever used a Coinstar.
Crowded on weekends? - so, Hotel Chantelle is apparently still in the midst of a soft-opening. This, coupled with the fact that the entrance is one of those where you're like "Wait, is this a place...? I see lights, but I'm not sure if people are in there" means that it's still primarily frequented by folks who like to think that they're in-the-know. This will all change drastically once the button-down-clique catches a whiff of it, trust. So, to answer the question at hand, nope.
Seating - apparently the restaurant area of Chantelle seats upwards of 300, but that portion either isn't open to the public yet or just wasn't open to Visceralist the other night. Either way, if you have a problem finding a seat here, you. are. a. loser!
Neighborhood - if the LES has an area that's comparable to that part of Greenpoint that's just warehouses and regret, this is it. That said, it is still the fucking LES, so you know: no problem finding a cab, jakes in uniforms and out of uniforms & dried puke on the sidewalk.
Pretentious/assholes - we really shouldn't say "hell yes" based solely on the fact that this place will inevitably be a douchecunt-magnet in like a month or so...but hell yes.

Cost of Stella - no Stella here, but we'd like to take this opportunity to let y'all know that this post is officially brought to you by Four Loko, Lemonade Flavor. The first sip was a muhfuh, but it's no worse than like a strong Sparks/Smirnoff Ice...no better either.
What time people start showing up - during the week...they don't. Weekends, prolly like 10-11pm. Again, this place is really easy to miss, so Visceralist's advice is to just walk south on Ludlow and once you cross Delancey, stay on the East side of the street and just keep your head turned to your left, and when you get to a set of double-doors with mock-crystal doorhandles, you're there. Don't be shy.
Bartender efficiency - not so sure about the efficiency, but dude was genuinely nice & helpful last time we were there (he'll prolly get fired when his boss reads this, though).
Official Website - nah, per the aforementioned je ne sais quois. Fuck a Twitter feed anyway [ed. that's the Loko talking.]
Food? How late - they don't have any yet, but a 5-star review on Yelp! (that's clearly written by someone connected to the "Hotel") claims "The food featured (when the kitchen opens) will be a mixture from all of the colonies France once called their own."
TVs? What's on - no, but the Hulu Plus app is only $7.99 a month now (*cough* triflin *cough), so feel free to bust that out on a date and then just sit back and let the blowjobs roll in.
Guy:girl ratio - this place isn't quite to the point yet where you have to come with at least one lady friend to get in (we said "yet!"), but despite this, it's still not a total dick facocktory.
Toys - welp...it's dark enough and the booths provide enough cover to play with your significant other's privates under the table. People still do that, right? [ed. yeah, people who jerk off to Hoda & Kathie Lee]
Age of clientele - people old enough to be able to be able to pay for two cocktails with one credit card. So, like 40+ [ed. damn, we pay you enough now that you can come up off of WIC and still complaining...smh].
Space for dancing? - um, maybe if you know how to do the watoozie or the inka-dink. [ed. what did we tell you about those references?!]
Music medium, style & volume - if you haven't listened to Kanye's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" at least 5 times by now, then you haven't listened to music. And fuck you.
Specials or most popular drink - so, this is like a real cocktail lounge like Death & Co. or the Delmano or suchlike. Extrapolate from that what you will.

White Slab Palace

77 Delancey (btw Allen & Orchard)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-0193

Bathroom situation - immediately to your right when you enter you'll find 3 single-person closets and a communal sink. The one that Visceralist went into the other night only had the swanky urinal you see above, so we'll assume that the universal symbol for the male was on the door somewhere. In any event, if you find that you need to sit on something and ponder the vagaries of human nature [ed. we like to keep the fecal-talk to a minimum 'round here, so...], you may have to go into the closet with the dress-wearing image on the door (or they may have "Ladies" & "Gentlemen" placards on the doors here, we're a little fuzzy on this).
Takes credit cards? - no, which we'll grudgingly chalk up to WSP's current coming-of-age status. For now. Really, there's no reason for places in the LES to not take credit cards. Which, btw, Visceralist thinks we got roasted at Rosario's the other day. Commenters, what do you make of this: we ordered two slices, dude said the total was $7 (which is somewhat suspect, but ok, recession, whatever). We give dude a $20, he comes back and hands us $13 then immediately drops some change in the tip jug. Which made us think, "Wait, didn't this particular combination of slices usually cost $6.50 or $6-something before?" Is this a new thing? Tips is a must? Or is Visceralist just too busy recklessly eyeballin' some Summer-in-NYC spaghetti straps, and not paying attention to what's going on at the cash register? No shots either way...
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, and this is the odd thing. There's a dense encampment of folk that seem to congregate near the entrance on the weekends, which becomes a genuine NYC Clusterfuck. Granted, the bathrooms are near here, but still. There's a whole back room that no one seems to know about or acknowledge. SMH.
Seating - White Slab is deceptively spacious. The place is actually a normal-ish Scandinavian restaurant for brunch & dinner [ed. it transforms into full-on bar mode in the evenings, or at least close enough for Visceralist's purposes.], so there's a hamburger's helping of tables in the main room. 10-15 high-stools are at the bar. PLUS! There's an under-utilized back room which is just as wide-loady as the main room. For some reason they don't really go out of their way to point people in the direction of the back room, so ain't nothin goin on back there but the rent. Plus it seems slightly ominous for some reason.
Neighborhood - the section of the LES that's on a bit of a come-up lately. Casa Mescal is right around the corner and perennial Visceralist fave Chloe is but a block away. Note, however, that WSP on the side of Delancey that's difficult to catch a cab on [ed. prepositions ain't a must]. Opt for the north side if you really need to tip on outta there in a hurry.
Pretentious/assholes - Holy Moly. This is sorta to be expected at new LES hotspots, so it'll be another 9 months or so before WSP gets taken over by the khaki clique.
Cost of Stella -they don't get down, that's a no-go, ho. The bartender recommended a Radeberger as a replacement, but really now...no worries tho cuz Visceralist always keeps a green bottle of that "Stella...I love you" taped to the thigh for situations just such as this. We get it iiiinnnnn.
What time people start showing up- Visceralist was able to find a table for 2 in the main room at like 11pm on a recent Friday nite, but it was only through sheer luck. Extrapolate from that what you will and then add salt to taste.
Bartender efficiency - this place has actually managed to engender some of the most fervent bile on Yelp when it comes to the efficiency of service (for both food and drink) that Visceralist has seen in a while. From Visceralist's experience, this seems mostly apt. We'll leave it there.
Official Website - here. An abomination. Visceralist was actually considering cutting this place some slack until we saw their lazy & SMH-inducing site. In a move that rivals Lebron's "The Decision" in terms of audacious, oblivious triflin, they have the option of making reservations through the site with a deposit of $100 via Paypal. $100 - $1,500 that is. Just the unprecedented gall of this is truly gob-smacking. Not only that, the rest of their site is under fucking construction. Welp White Slab, like Homer said in the "Flaming Moe" epsiode, "You just lost yourself a customer!." To which Moe responded (over multiple cash-register ch-ching noises), "What was that?"
Food? How late - yes, this place is an allegedly-functioning "Scandinavian" restaurant (shouts out to Marcus Samuelsson). Uff da!
TVs? What's on- they were showing World Cup 2010 matches in the back room, but it was likely just a temporary thing. Shouts out to Vuvuzelas. Fuck what everyone else is going through, Visceralist wants them to catch on at NFL games this season.
Guy:girl ratio - are the t-shirts that are retrofitted to look like tank-tops really the hot shit in NYC this summer? Really? Oh word?
Toys- UC Lounge (down the street) got a pool table recently. Check that out.
Age of clientele - firmly 30s...which ain't bad actually cuz the LES needs spots that aren't overrun with the kind of youngsters who only appreciate slap-bracelets ironically cuz they weren't around when they were actually the hot shit.
Space for dancing? - 1,000 times no.
Music medium, style & volume- not sure cuz the crowd noise was actually louder. This place brings out the lout in people for some reason.
Specials or most popular drink - they don't have Stella here, so Visceralist heartily and joyously encourages flasks on the low-low.


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Chloe Redux

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-0067
Now that Visceralist has actually been to Chloe, we thought it only fair that we write a slightly more accurate review than this one. Enjoy this!

Bathroom situation - two unisex units just past the bar (1 M, 1 F). They're about as tiny as David Geffen's hopes of getting Lebron to play for the Clippers, but certainly serviceable. Fancy faucets plus the paper towels are laying in stacks on the counter next to the sink...which, if this spot and Death & Company are to be believed, is "classy." No real complaints here, honestly.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $30 min. So, if you plan on having more than 2 drinks, you'll likely make it.
Crowded on weekends? - damn, playboy. Fuck what you heard, they keep this place sparse and downright dearthy. When Visceralist came here with a friend for said friend's bday party, we were stopped by the bouncer at the door and told to wait to the left after we gave the right name. Said bouncer then patched into his earpiece Matrix-style and spake thusly (ver batim), "Yeah, two guys here for xyz's party. Both wearing t-shirts and jeans. Yeah, they look arright. Two minutes? Ok..." Then, to us, "OK, guys, just a minute...and you'll have to take off the baseball cap, Visceralist." Roughly 2 minutes later, Visceralist and co. were eye-rolling our way up in that ho.
Seating - 4 or 5 stools at the bar, but a gang of booth area. This place is actually compact than a muh, but as we've discussed, the door policy is mad triflin', so there's usually no problem finding a cushioned something-or-other somewhere.
Neighborhood - the SoDe section of Ludlow has allegedly been on the come-up for a while now, but Visceralist still doesn't see anything but a few patches of blue water in a sea of BP. [ed. lucky for you, that reference will probably age well.]
Pretentious/assholes - granted, the bday girl throwing the party here the other night moved to NYC from the Mountain Time Zone but a few months ago, and so probably didn't know any better when choosing this place...but still and all, Visceralist managed to have some half-decent conversations and didn't encounter anyone in the line for the men's room talking about "Texas Rules." So, urrm...shit, this review is already emotionally draining...
Cost of Stella -Stella is actually one of the 2 or 3 beers on tap here. Still, they managed to trife it up. She was served in an 8 oz glass for $8...FSMFH.
What time people start showing up - this is the thing about this joint. The bouncers keep the place at only 50-ish% capacity all night. For what tho? Granted, Visceralist wasn't complaining about the relative lack of bathroom lines, but still. You have a rep for being exclusive, but then your revered chosen few walk in and are confronted with a half-empty closet the size of Schiller's restroom and thinking to themselves (Michael Bluth voice) "I've made a huge mistake..."
Bartender efficiency - owing to the aforementioned lack of capacity, you'll rarely have to wait more than a "New York Minute" for a drink. Kinda doesn't mean much tho if there's no struggle, ya know...?
Official Website - here. SMH-worthy.
Food? How late - they do have a full dinner menu on their site, but for what?
TVs? What's on - do not come here if you plan on making obvious, played-out jokes about the Shake Weight when the ad for it randomly pops up. [ed. Damn, calling out people for Shake Weight jokes? Have you read some of your stuff lately?]
Guy:girl ratio - The bouncers work very hard to keep this 50:50. The bouncers do an OK job of this.
Toys - conversation about how hard it is to get into this place will only last so long, so you'd better stock up on some Shake Weight jokes or something before you head in, cuz conversating is all they got here.
Age of clientele - the lighting in here was pretty dim and thus forgiving of folks' wrinkles and receding hairlines [ed. And you didn't love this place?!] , so it's hard to say.
Space for dancing? - yeah, one of the few benefits of a continual 50% capacity status.
Music medium, style & volume - do you love early-90's hits such as "I Love it When You Call Me Big Poppa" & "I Got a Man, I'm Not Trying to Hear That, See?" and suchlike?AND, do you hate all other kinds of music from any other era? Yeah? Ok then, you're all set. In fact, why are you not here right now?
Specials or most popular drink - beers served in 8oz glasses. Possibly other stuff, but if you're still here after finding out about the 8oz glass beer situation...AND you're the one paying (Visceralist dodged that bullet, ftw), then we need to talk about the huge mistakes you've made in life. Get at Visceralist in the comments.
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Painkiller

49 Essex St (Btw Hester & Grand)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 777-8454

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W (both single-person) allll the way to the back. They're green-hued and papered with old-school, Greasers v. Socs era photos of half-naked Polynesians. Shouts out to breadfruit trees.
Takes credit cards? - whoa, whoa, slow down there Donald Trump (btw, what do you think his hair looks like when he gets out of the pool?). This is a fairly new establishment, so they can be excused for not having the infrastructure to handle 1s and 0s quite yet.
Crowded on weekends? - now this is the beauty part. They have a bouncer fella outside who will potentially keep you waiting in order to maintain the balance indoors (or to placate the fire code, who knows). BUT! He's actually pleasant, reasonable and totally competent about this. Due to this, the indoor population is always right where it needs to be. You know Visceralist loves to pop a lot of shit, but really we can't even squeeze a shit-talking vowel into this category. Who'd have thunk a bar on the LES could actually get this right? Consider Visceralist downright gobsmacked. Now, granted, you will likely have to wait outside for a bit (Visceralist's wait was 5-7 mins last Saturday), but if you're not averse to that and you're not in a big group, it's probably worth it.
Seating - not a tonne, but with the impeccable door policy, it's not really an issue. There are 8 or 9 stools at the bar, 3 two-person tables & 3 large booths in the back.
Neighborhood - still kinda the hinterlands of the LES, but Essex is fairly major, so catching a cab shouldn't be too much of a migraine.
Pretentious/assholes - as this place is fairly new, in the LES and has gotten some favorable press, it'll catch it's fair share of dudes who are willing to drop $100-$200 in a night to impress some new floozy (round here, they're known as mark-ass tricks that llike to trick off all their little trick-money). Nothing to really worry about though. The door policy seems to be pretty egalitarian as far as admitting the asshole-y and fly alike [ed. yes, Chloe, this is a sneak-diss].
Cost of Stella -the drink menu veers towards the cocktail direction (we'll get to that a little further down), so they only have a few beers here. No Stella, but Red Stripe was $6.
What time people start showing up - 'lebben.
Bartender efficiency - there was one comely young lady working the bar when Visceralist was there and she was definitely adept at eye-contact. She seemed a bit on the overly-effusive side, but that's to be expected with a new bar that'd love to be described as swanky. Whatever, she did her thing. They only had one cocktail waitress working the seated area in the back and she seemed a bit overextended...to the point where she forgot our Red Stripe order. However, once reminded, she got it to our table post-haste and didn't even charge. Still tippin' tho!!!
Official Website - even tho they're new, they should'a been had one by now, but it ain't. Visceralist has been getting the impression that some spots refrain from maintaining a web presence cuz they think it adds to their mystique. They may be right, but Visceralist respectfully disagrees with this particular strategem.
Food? How late - some of their drinks are actually served in a pineapple half (big shouts out to Lock, Stock..."You could fall in love with an Orangutan in there..."), but that's the closest you'll get.
TVs? What's on - no, so you'll have to head up the street to Boss Tweeds if you wanna watch the Cavs implode like whoa (cot damn, Bron, are you throwin' games now? SMH)
Guy:girl ratio - 50/50. Visceralist did witness that one of the booths the other night was fully inhabited by a wild pack of rapscallions in un-tucked button-ups (which likely wouldn't have been allowed inside any other small LES bar w/ a discerning bouncer, but hey...). But they were adequately balanced out with a flocka uterii.
Toys - bendy straws.
Age of clientele - firmly 20s it seemed. Again, this place is new, so it'll take a while before any sort of norm can be determined.
Space for dancing? - nah, you'll have to settle for the photos of hula-dancers on the walls in the bathrooms.
Music medium, style & volume - unobtrusive to say the least.
Specials or most popular drink - so this is their real draw. Authentic Tiki-Bar drinks. Visceralist's only other experience with tiki-bars is (obviously) Otto's Shrunken Head, so we have no real way of knowing if Painkiller keeps it real. Since every other aspect of this place is above average tho, let's just say they are. The focus here is cocktails served in large glasses, skull-shaped and otherwise. The menu is strictly visual, so they don't actually tell you what ingredients are in the drinks. Their eponymous drink tasted like a margarita made with rum instead of tequila and was delicious. We also tried the Zombie, which was a bit of an ordeal. It was essentially Barardi 151 tempered somewhat with some pineapple juice and it lit a fucking fuse. Now, Visceralist is all about the recent resurgence of the Zombie in pop culture (big shouts out to World War Z), but this shit was some straight voodoo no-no. Mamma say, mamma sa, ma ma-ku-sa. Still, we'll be back to try some more in the foreseeable future.
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Ava Lounge

210 W. 55th St. (btw Broadway & 7th Ave)
New York, NY 10019
(212) 956-7020

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W to the right when you get off the elevator. Both are white-tiled and surprisingly immaculate. The men's has framed photos of "tasteful nudes" on the wall. Presumably, the women's has equally tasteful photos of like Steve Nash and/or Lance Armstrong from that one Gatorade ad campaign (shouts out to Los Suns, btw).
Takes credit cards? - avec plaisir. Yeah, that's the kinda faux-familiarity you'll have to have with the Romance Langs in order to fit in here. 8th grade French w/ that one cute-ish grad student FTW!
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist will be god-damned if we ever show up in midtown on a weekend, walking slowly behind the map-holders.
Seating - the main space has like 4 stools at the bar, but a number of tables in the main area. There's a room around the corner that has like 6 couches, which will fit a small going-away party nicely. They also have one of the flyest roofdecks in NYC here which, if you actually go up there during the summer months, will be downright transcendent [ed. shouts out to hyperbole.].
Neighborhood - the grip-in-the-money-clip part of Midtown West. Meh. If you're here, it's prolly for something that you can leave after 1 drink, so don't worry too much.
Pretentious/assholes - sheeeiiiit. Basically, everyone that comes here and likes it either went to Dartmouth or UVA.
Cost of Stella -$8....eight fucking dollars. In the bottle. Plus tip, playboy.
What time people start showing up - it's Midtown and it has a roofdeck...and, as of this writing, it's essentially summer. That means, like 5ish - 7ish, this place is a shit-show like the ending of that old movie "Freaks."
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist doesn't really like goin' ham on bartenders in general, cuz we know how shitty the gig can be. But holy moly, do the bartenders here give you the "Pssshhht!" + eye-roll like ev-a-ry day. Granted, we came through rockin' the fitted New Era and some Levi's, but still. Frustrating shit. Plus, management makes them dress like some straight skeezas for some reason.
Official Website - here. The photos are great, but the rest is downright rudimentary. The Menu section is "Coming Soon" which is some bullshit, cuz this place has been a going concern for at least 3 years. Guess they're focusing their ad budget on print ads in the NY Sun and Observer.
Food? How late - Duane Reade now sells "NYC Experience" packages at the registers that include tix to plays and gift certificates at Murray Hill restaurants and suchlike. That > Ava Lounge.
TVs? What's on - no, cuz they're classy. Meanwhile, how bout some shouts out for LOST for being on a roll like whoa now that we're in the Final-Season home stretch.
Guy:girl ratio - there's a Facebook group called "I'm Single - You're Gonna Have to be Pretty Amazing to Change That." To which Visceralist replies "SMH...The problem with young people today...."
Toys - playing hide-and-seek with the bouncer after you put your New Era fitted back on, after dude told you to take it off (cuz this place is classy, mind).
Age of clientele - gotta be like 35-45. Fuck.
Space for dancing? - not really. Chicks can't really dance in heels and guys in suits who are stopping by Ava after a long day at Lehman aren't really in the mood.
Music medium, style & volume - but for some reason they have a DJ setup in the main bar area. He was spinnin shit like "Rumpshaker" and "I Got the Feelin" last time Visceralist was there, so...
Specials or most popular drink - honestly...fuck this place.
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