White Star

21 Essex St. (btw Division & Hester)

New York, NY 10012
no digits

Bathroom situation - 2 downstairs, both with functional locks, so you don't have to worry about a replay of that one scene from the doll episode of Curb in season 2 where Larry's supposed to be watching the door while Cheryl's in the bathroom, then he gets distracted, then the plumber dude walks in on her "at the worst possible moment" (her words). God, that'd be the worst. Even for a dude.
Takes credit cards? - no, and they don't have an ATM either, so be sure to get your racks right before carrying your drinking problem across the threshold.
Crowded on weekends? - this place is smaller than a cherry's butthole, but somehow never gets too cramped.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, and a backroom with plush seating for, say, 10-15.
Neighborhood - the off-the-grid, "Into the Wild" portion of the LES/Chinatown border. Cabs be scarce and women be shoppin.
Pretentious/assholes - do douches still pop collars? Visceralist hasn't seen this in a while, so we'll assume it's an artifact at this point. Hmmm...time for an ironic comeback? Commenters...?
Cost of Stella - you'll have to do that old trick where you sneak some in in a Snapple bottle then take a few cheeky swigs when the bartender isn't looking. Cuz they don't sell it here.
What time people start showing up - though White Star apparently has a fairly strong profile in general (126 Yelp reviews and counting), it seems to cater mostly to regulars who stop by, find out what the good word is, then peace in the middle east.
Bartender efficiency - this is a cocktail-driven bar, and the cocktails they slang are fairly elaborate (pestles fucking mortars), so bring your kindles.
Official Website - none. Btw, best Bodie line from the Wire - in Season 2 when they're running out of product and two of his underlings come around asking for severance pay because they haven't had any work in a while and Bodie's like "Y'all better go and get the hell on before I lose my composure out this bitch!"
Food? How late - though Bodie has a shaved head throughout most of the series, in the pilot he has his hair like Kobe's when he first got into the league. Most likely because the pilot was filmed separately from the rest of Season 1.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist still thinks they made Bodie a bit too sympathetic in Season 4, given what he did to Wallace, but he did get his predictable comeuppance, so...composure!
Guy:girl ratio - can't stop a woman from shoppin...
Toys - if Visceralist remembers correctly, there's a pole in the backroom. Work that core!
Age of clientele - skews 30s.
Space for dancing? - is pole-dancing really dancing or is it more narcissism in motion. Commenters?
Music medium, style & volume - they sometimes have a DJ here on the weekends, but usually you'll be treated to the bartender's iPod's essential best-of greatest hits.
Specials or most popular drink - try the Stevens Point Ale. We hear it's the bomb (#SantangeloSeason3Hamsterdam).

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Clandestino

35 Canal St. (btw Essex & Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 475-5505

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex powda rooms in the back and to the right. One has a sliding door that is apparently super seriously difficult to lock [ed. apologies for bustin' in like that the other night...we didn't see anything we haven't seen before, promise].
Takes credit cards? - oui, bien sur, mon frere.
Crowded on weekends? - any chance the hipsters-in-basketball-jerseys thing will come back next summer now that the NYTimes has published an article about it? The $7 Visceralist recently spent on a Jordan 23 Wizards jersey really hopes so.
Seating - seats for days. Like, summer days. Like, if you can't find something here to hold your ass roughly 2.5-3.5 feet off the ground, you're just being a hater.
Neighborhood - the gentrifyin' part of Chinatown. FYI, the late-nite buses go every whicha-way 'round here...so make sure your phone has some GPS up in its guts.
Pretentious/assholes - if there are any fuckin' cunts here, they hide it like they're playing hide-n-seek in an old vacant lot and they chose the old broken-down fridge as their spot cuz their parents and/or school never showed them that one PSA video with the anthropomorphic bears.
Cost of Stella - $6...bottles only.
What time people start showing up - oh, and they will show up whenever. If you know someone who knows someone here, you can come by after all the other bars close...
Bartender efficiency - last time Visceralist was here, some asshole was buying drinks for us, so you'd have to ask his bitch-ass.
Official Website - here. Spartan, out-of-date, and considering this place is allegedly a wine bar, could seriously use a list of drinks on offer, but whatevers.
Food? How late - you saw how the Heat roasted the Pistons last night like they were some damn pigs on a spit?! Oooooh, it's finna be a hot winter.
TVs? What's on - deuces!
Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist has seen some dudes here in untucked button-ups so keep your guard up, ladies and don't fall for the okey-doke.
Toys - one of the bathrooms has a sliding door.
Age of clientele - the wise-beyond-their-years set. Now, Visceralist knows that phrase is usually some ol' bullshit that overweight and ugly writers latch onto when they're under deadline, but we actually really mean it...like rilly tho. Like forealdo.
Space for dancing? - not with all the seats, unfortch!
Music medium, style & volume - can't remember, but next time we're here, we'll record it on our iPhone's voice-recorder app and upload it here as an update [ed. now you know good and well you will never do that...why must you lie to these nice people so?]
Specials or most popular drink - something called the Clandestino Rose.

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Home Sweet Home

131 Chrystie Street (btw Broome & Grand)

New York, NY
(212) 226-5708

Bathroom situation - people come up to us all the time [ed. like all the damn time] like "Hey, Vissy...h-how come you start every review talking about the bathroom, huh? Ewww for days." Well, mostly cuz of places like Home Sweet Home. Spoiler alert, but we really like this place, but unfortunately the restrictive bathroom setup can put a damper on even the most orgy'd-up night. There's 2 here, a ladies & gents. The men's has a stall and 2 urinals. The women's may have more than one stall, but cot damn the chicks here stay in the queued-up stance. Who wants to wait in the stinky part of a bar all night while their friends are back there having fun, hitting on their significant others? Huh? Exactly.
Takes credit cards?- don't let the basement location or the scent of mold creep-creepin up from the other side of the couch cushions fool you....they do take credit cards here (shout out to those old-school click-clackers).
Crowded on weekends?- dear Lord yes. More crowded than the Lost Meetup group's get-together for the premiere on 2/2/10 (which is apparently capped at 97, goddammit).
Seating- so apparently this place smells of some kind of musk which most people attribute to the old-school (like some shit that was around back when Darwin was busy being right) couches that, incidentally, feel great after you've been standing up all night. Visceralist is gettin old. Get off our lawn and put Leno back on, carn-sarnnit!
Neighborhood- the tippy-toe of the LES, but still firmly the LES. Yes, even despite all the Chinese lettering dotting the scaffolding of its neighbors.
Pretentious/assholes- some folks seem to think that by virtue of the fact that they're inside this place, they've successfully navigated the lower east side's "secret handshake" and are thereby immunized from your prototypical hipster's scorn (Is hipster still a meme in '10?). Visceralist is above all this, however, cuz we're perpetually on that next shit.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was comped here last time we went, so we didn't bother with this swill.
What time people start showing up- (Seth Meyers voice) Really? Julian Casablancas is playing Terminal 5 solo? Really? The Living Room upstairs was booked that night? Really?
Bartender efficiency - you won't get jerked around as much as you'd expect.
Official Website - here. How does that joke go in Funny People? Fuck MySpace in the space? Yeah, that's how it goes.
Food? How late - they have some taxidermy on the walls but it's always undercooked.
TVs? What's on - raspberry noise.
Guy:girl ratio - close to 50/50, but sometimes this place leans goth-y [ed. that's still a thing?]. Nothing worth a second look though.
Toys- last time Visceralist was here, we saw some chick writing perfectly legibly on a napkin in backwards English. Yes, backwards...mirror shit. Asked if her name was Alice, but she was like "There's an embargo on reviews till February." [ed. uugggghhh.... that's a joke? (Amy Poehler voice) Really?]
Age of clientele - no one here has ever even heard of Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
Space for dancing? - fuck yes, and this is where this spot really shines. The dance floor is small as shit, near the shitters, and gets packed as fuckin constipated shit, but somehow it still manages to be fun. Don't even bother with the Right Guard Xtreme Dry, cuz it will hobo out on your ass like its name was "Don Draper."
ID Check Procedure- the bouncers here don't go for the okey-doke, so don't come 'round here perpetratin'....unless you like gettin' tossed in the air like some damn pizza dough.
Music medium, style & volume - overrated DJs.
Specials or most popular drink - How dare you? You know how lucky you are you even got in here?
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Sweet Paradise

14 Orchard Street (btw Hester & Canal)
New York, NY 10002
212-226-3612

Bathroom situation - used to have 3 in the back, but they recently turned one into an employees-only or some shit (the fuck?). The two remaining ones are ok if this was a straight-up dive bar...wild ghetto if this was a nouveaux LES gastropub (we're looking at you Allen & Delancey...with your triflin ass). Unfortunately, not much room to get with your bus' it baby.
Takes credit cards? - one of the few places that actually prides itself on not taking credit cards. Like seriously...expect to get smirked at if you ask.
Crowded on weekends? - hit or miss...alternates night to night from Cavs home-game capacity crowd to Rick Ross CD-signing.
Seating - 10ish stools at the bizzozero...5 booths in the back that seat about 5-6-7 each. Space for about 6 in each bathroom line (no seats tho).
Neighborhood - Visceralist wants to say LES, but really this is firmly within the confines of Chinatown. Plenty of new condos sprouting up in this part of Orchard St. tho so, you know...bus' it baby.
Type of crowd - the midly interesting mixed with the occasional hipster bachelorette party.
Pretentious/assholes - luckily, thanks to the spacially-enforced convivialty, not much of an issue. Plus, folks have been known to meet their next bus' it baby in the bathroom line.
Cost of Stella - don't have it here so Visceralist usually sneaks it in. Winter isn't an issue cuz our baller-ass coat with the fur trim on the hood has deep pockets. Summer, we use 3 flasks that we tie to our belt with rubberbands and hide under our shorts.
What time people start showing up - late than a mug...12ish? Again, it's hit or miss here so if you turn your back for a sec you might turn back around and have some sweaty slob's chest pressing into your shoulders trying to ask if he can use a credit card here. Or not.
Bartender efficiency - usually have 2-3 mad trife bartenders here who are actually good at their jobs. And they're assholes. As long as you don't make any special requests (like "can y'all stock some damn Stella out this bitch?"), you'll be fine.
Official Website - here. Far and away Visceralist's favorite NYC bar website. We love us some minimalism. Plus they have a list of all the albums on their jukebox (who the hell does that?).
Food? How late - yes, bizzarely, an assortment of movie candies. Not just for display.
TVs? What's on - nope. Focus on actually paying attention to your bus' it baby instead.
Guy:girl ratio - roughly 50:50. Guys take note, however, that any chicks here will likely be in a group of 4+. Meaning they WILL be talking about your receding hairline and how it likely means that your dick is the size/shape of a damn Tylenol gelcap. It's all good tho.
Toys - Jukebox kinda counts.
Age of clientele - those who think Justin Timberlake is the best SNL host - those who think Christopher Walken is. (fyi, the real answer is it's a tie between Jamie Foxx, Ray Romano & Steve Buscemi)
Space for dancing? - they actually have DJs here sometimes, but fuck no.
Décor - everything's black, but not goth-y black.
Grimeyness - as long as your bus' it baby doesn't mind, who gives a what what.
ID check procedure - surprisingly rigid. Don't roll up in here like it's that bullshit gas station where you had to slide the money under the thing and they didn't card (shout out to Duke's on High St. in Columbus).
Music medium, style & volume - jukebox, but Visceralist has a sneaking suspicion that they really pump the bartenders' ipods more often than not. Btw, we checked, they don't have Plies' "Bus' it Baby Part 2 feat. Ne-yo"
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour daily til 10pm, but it's the bullshit. Cream Ale? Really? That's what's hot?
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Fontana's

105 Eldridge St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-6740

Visceralist has been receiving a lot of guff lately over its perceived stance of strictly shitting on NYC bars. Not that we give a good god-damn about what people think, but in the interest of balance, we hereby present a review of a bar that actually has it's motherfucking act together.

Bathroom situation - Fontana's is a large place with a hefty amount of cubic mileage, so it makes sense that they don't really skimp on the coke closets. There's one unisex for the front bar, two unisexes for the rear bar and two multi-person brs in the basement. Now, granted you sometimes have to pay to go downstairs (cuz that's where the bands play) which only leaves 3 unisex bathrooms for a hangar-sized space, but oftentimes...ah, fuck it, it's inadequate.
Takes credit cards? - Yes, but they can be a liability. This place is odd in that it's like a dive bar, but fucking huge. Lots of shit gets lost in the "shuffle." And dirty south girls give me dirty south head [ed. move last sentence to Bathroom Situation section].
Crowded on weekends? - Yeah, really not worth the trouble Fri-Sat.
Seating - plentiful...multitudes...but you can never get one unless you get there before 10:30pm on the weekends. A non-issue at all other times. Like Rush (the band and the cunt).
Neighborhood - snuggling right up under the LES/Chinatown border. Pretty isolated late nights cuz nothing else around here is open. Cab it home unless you live nearby. Of if you're brokeass.
Type of crowd - as diverse as this stanky dive bar is large. J/k, it's mostly 2nd or 3rd tier hipsterati. They have bands in the basement every now and then, but never anyone you'd actually need to know about. Just have a good time.
Pretentious/assholes - most of the people here get the joke that is being pretentious in NYC.
Cost of Stella - $6, fyi they don't have it downstairs.
What time people start showing up - after checking to make sure that the cool kids are def showing up tonite.
Bartender efficiency - on a dead night (Sun-Thurs) no problems. On the weekend can be tricky to determine if it's more better to wait at the front bar (usually more bartenders) or the rear one (usually less crowded). Generally the rear one is gonna be the better bet because the crowd will be much more dense in the front and the rear bartenders seem to hustle harder.
Official Website - here. Poorly organized and in need of an update but comprehensive. But Visceralist has learned that the rear room is called the "Chandelier Room."
Food? How late - Tic-Tacs, Altoids & Gum...but it's BYOTTA&G.
TVs? What's on - a projector/screen in the Chandelier Room that generally shows stag films from the 50s and suchlike.
Guy:girl ratio - leaning hetero.
Toys - touch-screen multi-game console. Pool table in the Chandelier room. Booze.
Age of clientele - People who know the song "No Scrubs" pretty well - those who only kinda remember hearing about it.
Space for dancing - unfortunately no because the only time they play dance-able music in the Chandelier Room, it's too crowded for your parachute-pants.
Décor - upscale-ish dive-bar-y.
Grimeyness - the bathrooms are a tad fucked up the fuck, but otherwise the place would pass even a Norwegian health inspection.
ID check procedure - Stringent. Always a dude outstairs on the steps. Meh.
Hood specificity - the ChiLES.
Music medium, style & volume - they played Rick Ross' "Hustlin" here recently and no one knew what the fuck was going on.
Specials or most popular drink - Happy Hour every day till 8pm. Patently weaksauce.
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