Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Visceralist Review: Clams Casino "Instrumentals"

Look at this fucking fantastic piece of brilliant.
Download here.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Shea Stadium BK

20 Meadow St. (btw Waterbury & Bogart)
Brooklyn, NY 11206
no phone

Bathroom situation
- there are 2 to your left as you enter, one on either side of the soundboard area. Yep yep, that photo above is from the one closest to the door. Visceralist really does this for the people, you guys.
Takes credit cards? - so, this place isn't actually what you'd call "legit" so don't expect to bro your way up in here with your fancy BofA Visa, playboy. Note also that there aren't really any ATMs nearby, so make sure you've got some financial earnins' in the left or right pocket of your Jnco jeans before heading over.
Crowded on weekends? - not really. Strictly speaking, this is a venue and they do curate some new hot shit every now and then (peace to Laurel Halo and her overrated hogwash), but it's out in Way-the-Fuck, Brooklyn, so whatever.
Seating - a couple sofas that are upholstered in only the finest of pleathers, but everyone knows that catching hepatitis from a damn couch ain't cute, so we'd recommend avoiding. It's grimey like that.
Neighborhood - ok, fine, Shea Stadium BK isn't too far from the Grand St. L stop, but it still somehow feels like it may as well be in Belarus. Seriously, this hood is best described as hurt, burnt & crunchy.
Pretentious/assholes - every cloud though, right? The folks who actually do make it out here are generally down like gravity and we here at Visceralist have yet to have someone run up on us with some ol' bullshit and, in fact, have met some real human beings and some real heroes.
Cost of Stella - they only have cans of bud, bud light & tecate (and a couple bottles of Absolut or somesuch), but they're only like $3, so it all evens out.
What time people start showing up - 3rd opening act o'clock-ish.
Bartender efficiency - the "bar" is essentially a dilapidated fridge stocked with cans of the aforementioned that's guarded by a dude with a coffee can full of $1s. But it works.
Official Website - here. Its professional appearance completely belies the decor of the venue, but that's the world we're living in, par.
Food? How late - BYOF.
TVs? What's on - still surprised that Showtime's "Homeland" has been consistently top-notch throughout its first season and glad that it'll be coming back for another. Hasn't been a show this good on that godforsaken channel since the first season of "Dexter."
Guy:girl ratio - this guy for president (of Scotland).
Toys - they have a balcony that looks out on the street directly below the balcony.
Age of clientele - old enough to genuinely appreciate the societal commentary that the creators of "Homeland" are trying to make.
Space for dancing? - plenty, and they're presumably unencumbered by NYC's cabaret laws out here in Helena, but no one takes advantage. Shame.
Music medium, style & volume - the website features free downloads of recordings of many of the shows held here.
Specials or most popular drink - fucking hate that alcohol is such an effective diuretic.

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Friday, December 2, 2011

Visceralist Review: Yelawolf - "Radioactive"

Look at this fucking middling piece of shit.
(plus, what in the bootleg Bart Simpson hell is going on with this cover?)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Ludlow Manor

95 Delancey St (corner of Ludlow)
New York, NY 10002
no phone, but @LudlowManor

Bathroom situation
- street level, towards the back, take a mean left, then down the stairs, then around the damn corner. Then down the fuckin' hall, god damn! Fuckin' trail of tears trying to get to this shit.
Takes credit cards? - in one chapter of David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas that's set in a dystopian future world, the credit system is described as being essentially the same as one's soul. Not that they've magically/mystically replaced people's souls with credit somehow - it's just that "soul" is the name they use to describe the credit system. Anyway, if the novel has somehow managed to accurately predict the future (i.e. that Mitchell is a witch), one gets the sense that Ludlow Manor and its mgmt will somehow be the impetus of this new system. Explanation why coming up below...
Crowded on weekends? - can't really say because, technically, this place has only been in soft-open mode since last Saturday and won't open for real until this Saturday. However! Visceralist was invited this past Friday and rolled. Now, "invited" is V-speak for "happened to be in line behind folks who actually were invited and just said 'yep' when the bouncer asked if we were with them" but the point is we were up in there, occupying the Manor like we had a protest permit.
Seating - ...but some dude in what can only be described in the Lower East Side's raunchiest fur coat prevented us from going to check out the upstairs, so we can only really speak on the ground level. Forealdo, there were roughly 10-15 stools at the bar, a few more arranged around the shelves abutting the windows in front and a few booths and tables scattered around the Manor's admittedly impressive square footage.
Neighborhood - not long ago, this stretch of Ludlow boasted only the disappointing 87 (which was later re-branded as the only marginally less disappointing UC Lounge). It now features the splendid Hotel Chantelle,the abysmally triflin' Chloe 81, and now this. So how that go?
Pretentious/assholes - according to this, the management of this place wants to attract "sexy people that care how their hair looks." Now, this is a shame because there was an opportunity here for them to create something with that could rival its neighbor, Hotel Chantelle (a Visceralist favorite, full disclosure), in terms of atmosphere, clientele, carriage, demeanor, je ne sais quois & VIP offers to local nightlife bloggers with zero integrity and an audience of dozens. Suffice to say, they did not dress Visceralist up in their love.
Cost of Stella - so far they only have them in bottles here. Fun fact! Visceralist has been told that in the UK, they've adopted the term "wifebeater" to describe a pint of Stella because it's so damn plebeian. How that go?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Radegast Hall & Biergarten

113 N. 3rd St. (btw Wythe & Berry)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 963-3973

Bathroom situation
- way in the back part on the left. Seems like there's usually a line for the women's so here goes a Visceralist pro-tip - the East River is just down the block, so...
Takes credit cards? - with aplomb.
Crowded on weekends? - The Weeknd's "Thursday" was kinda disappointing, no? Still, this guy's still the buzziest unsigned hype since 50, so he'll be ok. Visceralist prediction! Dude signs with some Universal subsidiary. OK, that's boring.
Seating - so this is the big payday here. They have a gang of benches for communal conviviality. Cool! The thing is, tho, that Radegast attracts big groups who'll want to devour a whole bench like everyone other than them hates sitting down. Still and all, just run up on the seats and sit...what are they gonna do, really? Tell on you? "Teacher, teacher! You forgot to give us homework!" Fuck outta here.
Neighborhood - row houses nearby. Not exactly like the B'more trap, but not entirely dissimilar. "How's my hair look? You look good, girl." Oof.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was here on a recent Saturday afternoon and there was a whole big ol' cohort of polo shirts that were acting like they didn't have the sense God gave a mule. Some muthafuckas get a seat at the cool kids table and just lose their damn minds. That ain't bout shit.
Cost of Stella - they have more beers here than Will Arnett has fake hair on his head but Visceralist didn't see Stella listed at first glance, and then got distracted and that was that.
What time people start showing up - afternoons. This is one of those bars that you can tell folks you spent all day at without getting one of those "Oh dear..." looks in response. So what's all that now? Visceralist spends a day off at Welcome to the Johnsons and all of a sudden we're the asshole...oof.
Bartender efficiency - the bar in the main room is well-staffed, so no complaints there. The service in the "garten" area can be downright abominable tho...AND they get pissed if you take some initiative and go get beers at the bar and sit back down. Granted, this is a faux pas when you're at a wait-service table. But if the "service" is neither here nor there, what are you supposed to do? Also, these kinds of problems don't come up at Johnsons...just sayin'.
Official Website - here. Auto-play streaming video on the main page, which is a huge "do not do" but the rest of the site is clean enough.
Food? How late - oh yeah...with all the trimmings.
TVs? What's on - commenters, who you think is gonna get dead in the season finale of Breaking Bad? Someone's gotta go, right? Hope it's not Gus, but it'll prolly be Gus.
Guy:girl ratio - David Cross has this great bit where the punchline is essentially "So there's a baby in the bar. A baby. In the bar." We're butchering it here, but you get the idea.
Toys - dominant costume for H'ween '11 has to be between Jobs and Angry Birds, right? Gosling from Drive may be in the mix too?
Age of clientele - mostly around the realization-that-yes-this-is-all-there-is-...damn age.
Space for dancing? - man, don't even. Like really. Just...no. Please stop.
Music medium, style & volume - oddly, none. So if you happen to hear any, it'll be purely diegetic.
Specials or most popular drink - they have bloody marys here for some reason.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Visceralist Review - "Drive" Movie & Soundtrack

Look at this fucking brilliant piece of insanity.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Berry Park

4 Berry St. (btw Nassau & 14th St.)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-2829

Bathroom situation
- 1 M & 1 W units just to the left of the bar in the main room on street level. The M's has a glass holder built into the wall above the throne in the stall. Speaking of which, Visceralist spent hurricane Irene weekend marathoning the first season of Game of Thrones. How ill was that last scene with the dragon babies? You mad, Lannisters?
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says that they ain't 'bout this life here, but Visceralist can confirm that they most certainly are.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist is strictly house partyin' or out-of-townin' on the weekends these days, so we hope you didn't come here expecting a good answer here. If we had to guess though...we wouldn't.
Seating - plentiful.
Neighborhood - commenters, help us out. Anyone got a line on the spot No Name Bar that's around hereabouts? Drop us a line.
Pretentious/assholes - visible boxers is a must.
Cost of Stella - not present. Visceralist mad, bro.
What time people start showing up - back when he bothered showing up, Jamie Foxx told a story on Foxxhole radio about how he was throwing a huge house party (apparently he owns 40 acres in the LA area...replete with an avocado farm that generates enough income to pay the yearly taxes on the entire property) and at some point around 3am there was a turning point where he started going around tapping his guests on the shoulder and saying something like "Yo, it's time for you to make a decision. It's either go time, or time to go time." Meaning the party was about to turn a corner at the intersection of Coke & Lube streets.
Bartender efficiency - moderately understaffed, so...
Official Website - http://www.berryparkbk.com/
Food? How late - seasoned fries, which...
TVs? What's on - apparently the movie "Drive" : 2011 :: "Blue Valentine" : 2010 :: "Inglorious Basterds" :: 2009
Guy:girl ratio - LL Cool BP.
Toys - projector turns the street level main area into a sports bar.
Age of clientele - mostly folks in their mid-Greenpoints.
Space for dancing? - upstairs yes, but it is subtly discouraged.
Music medium, style & volume - disappointing 2nd & 3rd quarters so far. This Drake album better be the shiznick (pronounced like Larry David's dad in that Curb hooker episode where Larry buys weed from Hurley).
Specials or most popular drink - what are we gonna do with all this beeaaaahhhh?!

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Friday, August 19, 2011

The Weeknd - "Thursday"

Look at this fucking new piece of hot shit.

Download here.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

White Star

21 Essex St. (btw Division & Hester)
New York, NY 10012
no digits

Bathroom situation
- 2 downstairs, both with functional locks, so you don't have to worry about a replay of that one scene from the doll episode of Curb in season 2 where Larry's supposed to be watching the door while Cheryl's in the bathroom, then he gets distracted, then the plumber dude walks in on her "at the worst possible moment" (her words). God, that'd be the worst. Even for a dude.
Takes credit cards? - no, and they don't have an ATM either, so be sure to get your racks right before carrying your drinking problem across the threshold.
Crowded on weekends? - this place is smaller than a cherry's butthole, but somehow never gets too cramped.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, and a backroom with plush seating for, say, 10-15.
Neighborhood - the off-the-grid, "Into the Wild" portion of the LES/Chinatown border. Cabs be scarce and women be shoppin.
Pretentious/assholes - do douches still pop collars? Visceralist hasn't seen this in a while, so we'll assume it's an artifact at this point. Hmmm...time for an ironic comeback? Commenters...?
Cost of Stella - you'll have to do that old trick where you sneak some in in a Snapple bottle then take a few cheeky swigs when the bartender isn't looking. Cuz they don't sell it here.
What time people start showing up - though White Star apparently has a fairly strong profile in general (126 Yelp reviews and counting), it seems to cater mostly to regulars who stop by, find out what the good word is, then peace in the middle east.
Bartender efficiency - this is a cocktail-driven bar, and the cocktails they slang are fairly elaborate (pestles fucking mortars), so bring your kindles.
Official Website - none. Btw, best Bodie line from the Wire - in Season 2 when they're running out of product and two of his underlings come around asking for severance pay because they haven't had any work in a while and Bodie's like "Y'all better go and get the hell on before I lose my composure out this bitch!"
Food? How late - though Bodie has a shaved head throughout most of the series, in the pilot he has his hair like Kobe's when he first got into the league. Most likely because the pilot was filmed separately from the rest of Season 1.
TVs? What's on - Visceralist still thinks they made Bodie a bit too sympathetic in Season 4, given what he did to Wallace, but he did get his predictable comeuppance, so...composure!
Guy:girl ratio - can't stop a woman from shoppin...
Toys - if Visceralist remembers correctly, there's a pole in the backroom. Work that core!
Age of clientele - skews 30s.
Space for dancing? - is pole-dancing really dancing or is it more narcissism in motion. Commenters?
Music medium, style & volume - they sometimes have a DJ here on the weekends, but usually you'll be treated to the bartender's iPod's essential best-of greatest hits.
Specials or most popular drink - try the Stevens Point Ale. We hear it's the bomb (#SantangeloSeason3Hamsterdam).

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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Room 18

18 Spring St. (btw Elizabeth & Mott)
New York, NY 10012
(212) 219-0942

Bathroom situation
- oof. One single, solitary unit in the back that caters to both Adam & Eve (which, btw, if they had two sons, how did the whole rest of the human race come from just them? Commenters, help us out here). For a space as large as this, in a neighborhood that gets as crowded as that and attracts a clientele as drunk as the third, this is an egregious oversight. Our advice: if you happen to find yourself here and you start feeling that familiar tingling sensation, just go somewhere else.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernible minimum, which is a pleasant throwback nostalgia good ol' days why isn't the Captain America movie coming out on July 4th?
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist's first/last Room 18 experience was on a recent Friday evening. It was well after happy hour (happier hour?) and, hand to heart, hand on the Bible, all I have in this world is my word & my balls: it was pretty crowded. Enough has been said!
Seating - considering how many people they pack in here, the seating options are cantankerously limited. Flibbity-jibbet!
Neighborhood - if it can be said that SoHo has an edgy part, then Visceralist is gonna go ahead and say that Room 18 in the edgy part of SoHo. Not edgy to the point where you'd want to "tool-up" with the "biscuit" and be ready for some potential "ratchet-time" just in case it "goes down," but you might want to just double check that your wallet's actually still in your back pocket every now and then.
Pretentious/assholes - though Room 18 is the kind of nondescript SoHo hangout spot that typically does attract its fair share of Sean Parker wannabes, Visceralist didn't find anything worth fretting over.
Cost of Stella - now! Now we'll tell you why we've so far been so salty about Room 18. There's really no other way to put it other than to just come right out and blurt it right on out: cans of Tecate are 6 "Samuel L. Jackson" dollars! Each! So the first thing Visceralist did upon hearing that the two cans we just asked for would run us $12 - that is, after the smelling salts took effect and we freshened up in the restroom (after waiting in line for 10 minutes) - was to launch into a lecture that began "Where do you get off?!" And that's exactly what we did. Wait, no, that's not what we did. We paid for it with a credit card and a smiled while doing it. Fuck Our Lives.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got there 12ish the other night and it was already gilled to the packs. Ugh, $6 for a fucking Tecate! 6! And we ain't talking Blossom's friend! Even Blossom's friend Six would know better than to charge that much for a can of that particular brand of micturition. And she was dumb enough to have a crush on Joey Whoa! And he was dumb enough to put out that terrible single that helped his album go quadruple platinum! The fuck??!
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist has never worked as a bartender, but we imagine that when it gets crowded at a place like this, from their point of view it must look like E. Honda's "100-hands" special move, with each hand annoyingly clutching a $20. Commenters, is this accurate?
Official Website - Google & Yelp say that they have room18ny.com, but they either forgot to renew their domain recently, or forgot to not be idiots, cuz their site is currently one big piece of spamshit.
Food? How late - they apparently have some nibbles earlier in the evening, but the Yelpster community says that they're nothing to resign from US Congress over.
TVs? What's on - no NBA for like the next 4 months, so no need to have a TV, we suppose.
Guy:girl ratio - airtight.
Toys - 6 fucking dollars...ssmh (the first "s" is for "still").
Age of clientele - well, it's SoHo, so you know it's all about 30 year-olds and the 50 year-olds that tolerate them.
Space for dancing? - if they persist in charging $6 for cans of Tecate, then the only dancing that Visceralist is interested in is the "Ottoman hump" dance that we'll be doing on Room 18's grave when they finally go under.
Music medium, style & volume - why isn't there a foursquare for music?
Specials or most popular drink - if they even have Stella here, it's probably like $22 a bottle or something. Fuck's sake...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Larry Lawrence

295 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 218-7866

Bathroom situation
- 2 single-person stalls (aren't they the best?!) in the back. Visceralist makes a concerted effort to take a bathroom photo for each review, and we likely did at Larry Lawrence the last time we were here. However! Our iPhone is so loaded up with bathroom shots at this point that it's sometimes hard to remember which is which. Commenters, help us out with this one.
Takes credit cards? - you know that thing where you start a tab (oh, yeah they do take credit cards here, btw) and then you get another drink and the bartender is like "What's your name?" But it's really loud and you have a weird name? Pro tip! Pull out your iPhone and write your last name out in all caps in Notes then just show it to them. We had great success with this recently, you guys!
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but there's so much damn surface area that it's never really a thing, like.
Seating - 10 or 11 stools at the bar and a few booths that look like they were hewn from some hellafied slabs of oak.
Neighborhood - the part of Wburg that no one really talks about, but has some of the most hellafied restaurants and bars. How is Bushwick getting more love than LoMidBurg, you guys?
Pretentious/assholes - hmmmm...hard to say, you guys. Someone did roll up on us and say "You'd be cuter with more bangs" but we weren't totally sure if that really counted as a neg, so we didn't bother fucking.
Cost of Stella - 6 foot, 7 foot. Anyone watching Wayne's unplugged tomorrow, btw? We don't have cable here at Visceralist HQ, so commenters, help us out again.
What time people start showing up - 11 in the post.
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist was at a bar recently where we started a tab and when we finally went to Hancock that bitch there was an 18% gratuity already included. Now, this wasn't in NYC, but still. And then! there was a line for yet another tip. Wildly inappropriate. So we signed it "Visceralist don't go for the okey doke."
Official Website - here. The "Events" section lets us know that they're open on Thanksgiving at 10pm, but hey...
Food? How late - Walter and Rye are both within a block of LL, so go there for fud.
TVs? What's on - apparently Oprah's highest-rated episode was one from 1993 that was about guys who date older women. But that was before the net-based stratification of entertainment ooptions, so what the hell else were people supposed to do?
Guy:girl ratio - gentlemen, it's summer in NYC! You know what that's about. You know...#prurience
Toys - there's an outdoor area that you have to walk up some damn stairs to get to. It's where people go to smoke light cigarettes and drink diet Coke and listen to Vampire Weekend as part of a healthier lifestyle.
Age of clientele - dirty thirties.
Space for dancing? - how does one dance to LCD Soundsystem, exactly? Not being facetious, like really, how does it work? We're sort of being facetious.
Music medium, style & volume - lots of Vampire Weekend and LCD Soundsystem.
Specials or most popular drink - remember this? "Um, excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema."

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Friday, May 27, 2011

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Midway Bar

272 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-1969

Bathroom situation
- 2 unisexes in the back and to the left. Pro tip: if you get super pee-shy cuz you know someone's outside, waiting on you to finish (and prolly talking shit about you on Twitter like "God damn, this idiot better not be taking a shit in there. #ruiningitforeveryone"), it can help to idly check Facebook on your smart phone or game out a few different basketball offensive plays in your head....there we go...
Takes credit cards? - yes, and btw, shouts out to getting Visa gift cards in the mail for your bday. #momsarethebest
Crowded on weekends? - so this place opened only a couple months ago and has pretty poor signage and Hipster Runoff hasn't yet come across any photos of any 'relevant' scenesters here to make fun of, so it should be fine for a while.
Seating - they have a pool table you could prolly lean up on...and also a bunch of bar stools and seats and all that normal bar shit that everyone knows about.
Neighborhood - literally on the border between North & South Wburg. Yellow cabs roll through the area often enough that hailing one can be harder than ripping open a condom wrapper, but definitely easier than putting one on properly. #fuckthisshit
Pretentious/assholes - since Trump has had a monopoly on this characteristic in NYC over the past few weeks and he'd prolly fly into a tasmanian devil-like frenzy of pearl-clutching at the mere suggestion that he set foot in here, there shouldn't be anything to worry about for a while.
Cost of Stella - commenters, remind us to steal one of those Stella-branded glasses next time we come across one, cuz we want one that we can keep at Visceralist HQ that we can adore and fuck and brag about. #stellasaprettybitch
What time people start showing up - late, because this place is prolly catching a lot of the nearby Clem's overflow.
Bartender efficiency - one of Visceralist's buddies recently got one of the bartender's phone numbers, which seemed like quite the coup at the time, but then kinda just went nowhere. #lackadaisical
Official Website - not yet, you guys. Granted, they're pretty new, but there's still no excuse for just not having a web presence at this point.
Food? How late - uff da, those "Texas-style BBQ Ribs" they had in the cafeteria here at Visceralist HQ today have been throwing a tantrum in our digestive system all afternoon. #andthataintcute
TVs? What's on - nope. Btw, commenters, is Treme any good? Worth investing in? We already got "Game of Thrones" and "The Killing" locked in and are pretty busy otherwise, so just wondering if we should bother cutting out showering/shaving to make time for it. #behonest
Guy:girl ratio - the decor here is similar enough to the nearby Turkey's Nest, so just think about the last time you were there and extrapolate accordingly.
Toys - so, is Trumps hair just an insanely extensive comb-over or (even worse?) a piece designed to look like a terrible comb-over? God, just imagine what kind of a mess he looks like getting out of the pool. Or don't.
Age of clientele - wait, what's the new 30? Is it 50 now? So what is 30? The new 18? What's that? Why are we asking? Don't worry about our lives, that's why.
Space for dancing? - don't you even dare.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a jukebox cuz they know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they're a thing that people still like.
Specials or most popular drink - Serious, you gotta remind us about that Stella glass thing. Leave a message in the comments with your email and we'll give you our mobile details.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011


35 Clinton St. (corner of Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-7733

Bathroom situation
- 3 single-person units in the downstairs and they are wet! "Wet" meaning the DMV slang that was a '07-'09 a stand-in for "tight", "ill", "swag", etc...so, not like the floors are covered in piss & snot or anything (what up, Cherry Tavern!).
Takes credit cards? - this is the kind of place where you should really know your credit score before throwing down a credit card, trying to look like a pre-'08 Madoff (or a post-Gwen Gavin) in order to impress a young such and such. Shit will catch up with you like a muh....but yeah, they take cards.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist was here at like 3am on a recent Friday night and it was kinda dead, but there was still the usual contingent of drunk high-heels dancing with each other and drunker townies [ed. not sure if that term works in NYC] trying to meet people outside if they were discouraged from grinding on said ladies. Tracie Egan, care to chime in here? [ed. in the comments would be great.]
Seating - 8 stools at the bar, 2 of those high tables you have to use stools at against the East window, and 3 or 4 long tables against the other windows. No joke here, so will just use this space to give some dap to The Weeknd. Fucking amazing debut mixtape. Industry bidding war is a given. Not giving any interviews (swag). Mark this date, Visceralist is officially calling this one.
Neighborhood - Clinton street is just as swanky as its (presumed) namesake, one William J. It has WD-50 and that one Bakery place that no one can ever get into.
Pretentious/assholes - yikes, this one's a tough call. Sure there's a fair number of folk who'll spend the night talking your ear off about that one bitch in their improv class that's just, really, no really, delusional. Ugh.
Cost of Stella - the standard $VI.
What time people start showing up - this place has flat-screens that show sports (Bulls FTW '11, write that down!), so like 8ish.
Bartender efficiency - so, Donnybrook is run by the same awesome folk that run Lucky Jacks.
Official Website - here. Flashin' like a muhfuh, but still totally effective.
Food? How late - fairly spartan, and loaded up with Irish stereotypes, but haven't seen any gas-faces here, so...
TVs? What's on - yes, hopefully showing D-Rose and the Rosetta Stones winning the Championship this year.
Guy:girl ratio - what's up with that one scene in "The 40-Year Old Virgin" where the crew of guys goes to a club and all of them score? Who is that helping? Tracie, chime in here again, please.
Toys - a surprisingly ample dance floor. Whatever happened to people using "The Watoosie" as a joke punchline, btw? So much comedic potential, kids, let's bring this one back. Tracie...
Age of clientele - people just a bit too old to have heard of The Weeknd (at least, as of today), but not too old to appreciate him if it comes on over the speakers.
Space for dancing? - minimal dance area near the bar on the weeknds.
Music medium, style & volume - Fuck, The Weeknd has seriously just sneaked in the best thing out of anything since Kanye's "MBDTF"..."Blue Valentine" notwithstanding.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a $12 cocktail menu that includes Caipirinhas...which is, like, the proverbial.

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Visceralist Review: The Weeknd - "House of Balloons"

Look at this fucking dope piece of hot shit. Free download here.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Terminal 5

610 W. 56th Street (btw 11th & 12th Aves)
New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-6600

Bathroom situation
- T5 is a fucking cavernous architectural abomination and, when we deign tip a toe inside, we here at Visceralist tend to spend our time on the 3rd floor balcony area. As such, most of this review will be told from that perspective. We could probably devote an entry each to each of the 3 levels, but that much flattery would make T5 think we actually like it when, really, we just put up with it cuz it likes some of the same bands we like and is the only game in town some nights. Anyway, the bathroom set up on the top level is actually pretty fucking perfect. There are roughly 10 single-person units in a row against the stage-side wall and there's an attendant there to keep things nice and orderly, thus preventing all those line-jumping fucks from taking advantage of you cuz they "really gotta go." Downside is that they only let one person in at a time...unless you show that tip basket some love after your first trip. [ed. Christ, this prose is already an editorial WMD...did you learn nothing at all from the "The Wire" season 5 marathon we did this weekend?]. Plus each bathroom is lit in Blue Valentine "Future Room" neon blue.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, each bar has those touchscreens with the green squares that each correspond to a different drink (right?). So, if you feel like yelling your complicated last name into the bartender's ear over the din of distorted bass reverberating around the airspace of this converted Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Annex (true story), then you go right ahead and leave that Discover card open for the night.
Crowded on weekends? - depends...did they move the show your going to see to T5 from Webster Hall or from Radio City (yep, shots fired at you CWK! Congratulations...you will always be forgotten).
Seating - a few booths and tables against the walls on the 2nd and 3rd floors, but you best believe that once Blonde Redhead or Miike Snow hits the stage, they'll be emptier than the seats at a Miami Heat home game 10 mins into the first quarter.
Neighborhood - in the frozen hinterlands of Hell's Kitchen and, quite frankly, a little too close to the Hudson for comfort. However, savvy cabbies generally know when there are shows and when they let out (12ish due to union rules, apparently), so if you don't mind waiting, you'll be able to get one. But still...muthafuck the west side!
Pretentious/assholes - shouts out to Bowery Presents, cuz they do do a good bit of business most times, but T5 is still the west side, so...
Cost of Stella - $6, plus the standard plastic cup service charges...so, $8 plus tip.
What time people start showing up - well, Visceralist showed up to the recent Girl Talk show at like 10:18ish, and it was already going down like nitro, so...
Bartender efficiency - terrible, but, to be fair, they do get a lot of Palins in there who are like "I want a cosmo....and Jeff wants two Heinekens...Jeff! Heinekens, right?! How many? Oh wait, ok, so Jeff wanted two, but Marcus wanted one too...so 3 Heinekens...and 2 cosmos."
Official Website - here. It's part of the Bowery Presents family of sites, which are intuitively laid-out, efficient and perfunctory.
Food? How late - Visceralist found out the hard way today that there is a distinct difference between Boar's Head's Gruyere and their French Gruyere. First commenter who can guess which we prefer gets 50 Visceralist bucks!
TVs? What's on - how is it that Rockwood is like the only NYC venue that has flatscreens that actually broadcast what's happening on stage to other parts of the venue?
Guy:girl ratio - probably depends on the show. The recent Downtown Records showcase was predictably dick-heavy, but the Girl Talk show was more favorably babe-heavy.
Toys - if Yelp comments are to be believed, the bouncers here ain't known for their guff-tolerance, so toying with their emotions is a do not do.
Age of clientele - again, will depend on which side of the career-trajectory bell curve the headliner is currently enjoying.
Space for dancing? - commenters, any guesses on what will supplant the Dougie as the new hot dance shit now that the LA Times has run a drive-by on it?
Music medium, style & volume - T5's acoustics catch a lot of flack from a lot of would-be audiophiles, but really, most people can't tell the difference between 128k and 320k bitrates, so fuck them and their Super Audio CDs.
Specials or most popular drink - "Oh, you're out of Heineken? Then why is that plastic cup turned over on the Heineken tap? Oh, that means you're out? Huh...Jeff! They're out of Heineken! Ok, well what do you have that's like Heineken?"

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Friday, February 11, 2011

The Woods

48 S. 4th St. (btw Kent & Wythe Aves)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-4955

Bathroom situation
- 4 single-person utility closets secluded just around the corner the middle of the bar. Usually a line, but it usually moves faster than that line when you're running late and the thought of that McDonald's steak & egg bagel is hitting all the right buttons. Fuck!
Takes credit cards? - yes, if you don't mind your card being lost so hard that it's primary concern becomes "Why the fuck is there a polar bear on this island!?"
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, and this is why The Woods catches so much flackjackets. Fridays & Saturdays are a fucking ancient Mesopotamian market place on Black Friday, but still. So there's that. Ok. So we know this. Um. How bout there are other days in the week tho? God.
Seating - stools at the bar and booths against the wall, but this place has never really been about that. If you really can't stomach standing up the entire time you spend here, thinking up reasons not to talk to that cute chick/dude over there, then you deserve all the grumpies that come in the box you just bought.
Neighborhood - yeah, so this place abutts the East River like it's trying to make rent, but still. It ain't thaaaat far from the Bedford L. Still, no cabs 'round here, so make sure you didn't come to that party here with those "sort of" friends who might leave your desperate ass.
Pretentious/assholes - if you're at a spot on a damn Saturday night and there isn't anyone there who sounds like a walking/talking Hipster Runoff...then you ain't anywhere.
Cost of Stella - unfortunately, Visceralist was too aggy to really get into this last time we were here, but it's prolly like $5-6. [ed. that's technically not libelous because he's an idiot]
What time people start showing up - "Called up the homeys and I'm asking y'all / Which court, are y'all playin basketball?" - O'shea Jackson c' 1996.
Bartender efficiency - the interior of this place is more spacious than those UFOs that helped build the pyramids (both Egyptian and Mayan), so the bartenders (usually 2 at a time) are facing significant challenges every night, but they still keep shit moving like a lactose-intolerant Packers fan's lower intestine after 2/6/11.
Official Website - they ain't got that...you can check Google to double-check Visceralist cuz you don't trust us, but please double back when you realize that we're right. We love being right.
Food? How late - you can get some tacos out back when it's nice and warm. None of that was a euphemism.
TVs? What's on - unless TV is some new kind of STD that only the cool kids are getting....
Guy:girl ratio - if you're worried about this, you're most likely reading this from a place where it won't matter cuz you won't go to The Woods and you'll never know The Woods...so stay the fuck out of The Woods (shouts out to Treach & Co.)
Toys - presumably, if they were ever to hold a wedding reception here, they could do that thing where the awkward lanky dude dances ironically to "Come On Eileen" and then everyone else could make fun of how happy he seems. But that's a big if.
Age of clientele - well, the guy's are old enough to where they're used to saying "...so is that a 'no'?"
Space for dancing? - oh yes they did do it.
Music medium, style & volume - you've heard of Muse, right?
Specials or most popular drink - you can upgrade the traditional $5 beer+shot to top-shelf for an additional dollar. Eh?

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Black Door

127 W. 26th Street (btw 6th & 7th Aves)
New York, NY 10001
(212) 645-0215

Bathroom situation
- 3 unisex in the main room and 2 unisex in the backroom. As evidenced by the photo above, Visceralist was going straight HAM in one of the backroom room-room's the other night. The bathroom bouncer saw the Heineken in our hand and was like, "Ooohhhh, from the commercial, right!?" with a big Odie grin on his face.
Takes credit cards? - sheeeeiiittt, they didn't stop taking Visceralist's credit card info!
Crowded on weekends? - crowded NYC bars are crowded.
Seating - the Black Door doesn't take reservations, so it's first come, first served. Yo, save us a spot!
Neighborhood - Visceralist had to go to the Home Depot on 23rd street to get a replacement toilet seat for Visceralist.com HQ a yearish ago. That was the first time we'd been in the Flatiron district proper. The recent trip to the Black Door was the 2nd. Unless the LES somehow folds over the city like that Paris scene in Inception, there will not be a third.
Pretentious/assholes - this ain't your daddy's average Flatiron dive bar. No, ma'am (shouts out to The King's Speech). It's more like your childhood best friend's older brother's. The one who used to chuck those Nerf footballs at you at top speed [ed. fuck that foam shit, those can still hurt] when you just came over to play some Grand Theft Auto 3 in the basement...then he still expected you to hide his 12-pack of Miller under that one blanket until their mom left. Fuck, and that's why you still won't get near any Playstation. Still.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist took one look at the bartender's ironed-shirt & bow-tie combo and figured we wouldn't be able to afford it, so we stuck with the previously aforementioned Heineken. Shit was still like $7 tho...on the strempf.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hasn't showed up at a bar before 12am since Cheney was peppering his buddies' faces with buckshot like his first name was Cayenne. Just being honest and keeping it real. Cuz that's a virtue 100% of the time.
Bartender efficiency - they know the score and they're serving for the match, bitch. Vamos Rafa!
Official Website - they don't got one but Visceralist is thinking about a redesign to make this shit a bit more HTML 5-y. Thoughts, commentariot?
Food? How late - if variety is the spice of life, they have a lot of salt & pepper here. [ed. Ok, that metaphor almost just folded in over itself like that one Paris scene in Inception...and that is not a compliment.]
TVs? What's on - Visceralist thinks we can all agree now that The Big Lebowski has been wildly overrated, but we'll be cot-damned if J. Bridges didn't murk the fuck out of True Grit. The Academy loves (loves, loves!) actors who play real people though, so he really should've played John Wayne playing that sheriff if he wanted that gold eunuch. He shot a damn snake in the face tho, so fuck it.
Guy:girl ratio - prolly equivalent to that Star Trek reboot (counting extras).
Toys - and while we're talking about J.J. Abrams, can we finally all agree that the LOST finale DVD extra postscript was just straight triflin, unnecessary bullshit?
Age of clientele - things learned from the Sex and the City oeuvre: Sex and the City's success bankrolled so many quality HBO series (looking at you, The Wire & The Comeback) that if they wanna act like 40 is the new 20, just fuckin let them have their fuckin fun.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has recently been learning the Dougie (that's some crispy new hot shit, so don't worry, you'll prolly hear about it in the next 6 months or so) and had the opportunity to show it off here recently. Blown minds were blown.
Music medium, style & volume - loud and Top 40'd to the Tippecanoe and Tyler too!
Specials or most popular drink - they'll pour your stupid ass a drink, so either get your ass in or get your ass on.

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