Burnside Brooklyn

506 Grand St. (btw Union & Lorimer Aves)

Brooklyn, NY  11211

(347) 889-7793

Bathroom situation - 2 multisex units in the front, against the left wall. Both de rigueur for dive-bars in this part of Wburg - meaning: only one has a toilet seat. Steady as she goes, ladies....
Takes credit cards? - yes and, incidentally, Eric M. has a mildly-interesting anecdote within his Yelp! review of Burnside that involves some alleged cc-tab chicanery on the part of the bar staff. Even more interestingly, the mgmt responds to his claims with a measured and “hmmm, yeah, actually that makes more sense” refutation. Gripping reading; like something out of The Kings of Cool or suchlike...
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and seems even worse than it is because of the narrow and unnecessarily cramped layout. Tsk tut.
Seating - 5 or 6 tables in the front, 8 or so stools at the bar and an all-woodgrain-everything patio in back with seating for an additional 15-20. Sitting apparently kills you faster than the Supersize Me diet though, so shoulder-width apart your feet and live your life!
Neighborhood - this part of Grand Street has been tussling with gentrification for the past few years and neither side has tapped out yet, but deep down, we all know how these things go...
Pretentious/assholes - so this place purportedly adheres to some stereotypical Midwestern ethos construct. This is fine, but there’s a reason people leave the Midwest to come to NYC. Namely, the notion that mediocrity should be elevated to an ideal. We can do better, people!
Cost of Stella - not here, so sneak some in like a “real” Midwesterner like on TV.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here on a recent Friday at 10pm and had no problem finding a seat, getting the bartender’s attention or waiting for the bathroom (well, for the one w/o the toilet seat...seriously Burnside, you can get one for like $20 at Home Depot...easy to install and everything, we’ve done it ourselves...we can do better, people!)
Bartender efficiency - a touchy subject, if Yelp! is to be believed. The bar area is designed in such a way that there’s no real way to avoid crowding if there are more people standing around than stools.
Official Website - here. One of those single-pagers with Twitter, Fbook & Yelp! links in the corner. Is this a thing now? Shit...is this the new hot shit for Bar sites? You know...this might be the new hot shit. Ok, we’ll check with our local kings of cool and update this post asap if it turns out that this is the new hot shit. Bear with us...
Food? How late - cheese curds and Juicy Lucy burgers. Neither of which is as big in the Midwest as they’d have you believe. Gooder than fuck tho.
TVs? What's on - no, which is probably the biggest oversight for an MW zoetrope like this.
Guy:girl ratio - this category feels just a little bit too prurient to be used in a bar as MW’ern as Burnside.
Toys - shufflepuck and no Golden Tee.
Age of clientele - we here at Visceralist are such “Goddammit, if your fucking frisbee lands in our lawn just one more fucking time...” old-heads now that we don’t even know at what age the young folk (see how dated our references are?) are moving to NYC anymore.
Space for dancing? - fuck no. And you shouldn’t be doing the lambada in public anyway. Shameful. We can do better, people!
Music medium, style & volume - too loud! And would it kill them to play something off the Mo’ Money soundtrack every now and then?
Specials or most popular drink - Stevens Point Ale.

169 Bar

 169 E. Broadway (btw Pike & Rutgers)

NYC, NY 10002
(646) 833-7199

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person R. Kelly sex tapes just past the bar on the left. 1 M & 1 W. Grimey as "I don't know what." Commenters, what do you think was going on in the bathrooms at the Oscars? Other than the obvious, obvs. The obvious obviously being yard stick lines of that yola and BJs.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, they got that. Oh, pro-tip: having your credit card company check your credit score somehow lowers your credit score. Kenan Thompson, what's up with that?!
Crowded on weekends? - jumpin jehosaphat, yes! This is the only halfway decent bar in like a 3-block radius (other than Clandestino, obvs), so it's known to get saucy.
Seating - 10 or so seats at the bar, some tables and 3 or 4 booths in the front room and some sofas in the back room. Still and all, you will be standing, so be sure to wear your comfortable Louboutins. Speaking of which, can we talk about how fucking pug fugly these Louboutins is? On some Lee Bowery shit. With his(?) overrated ass.
Neighborhood - like how that huge ice wall in Game of Thrones separates civilization from those blue-eyed wildebeast muthafuckas. 169 is right on the border of the LES and God-knows-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-over-there.
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, but hey, everybody's got a story.
Cost of Stella - fuck, whatever, just give me that delicious.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at like 11:30pm on a recent Saturday and the crowd was fairly robust but not snakepit in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
TVs? What's on - Btw, it's cool that Octavia Spencer got her due and Viola Davis was the real winner like everyone knows she really won, but fuck, Black people can only win when they're getting fucked over or evil? Still? We got a black man in the white house and Colin Firth's winning for reading some lip service someone else wrote for him and Sandra's winning for being condescending, and the brothers and sisters still have to dklj;afdkl;ajdkf fuck! Not that the Oscars should be the arbiter of anything, but damn.
Guy:girl ratio - Angelina's right leg.
Toys - pool table with the illegal leopard print and everything!
Age of clientele - it's a cheap LES bar.
Space for dancing? - the last time Visceralist was here, they had a chick doing some burlesque pole dance with a tip bucket in front of her.
Music medium, style & volume - being a music snob is fucking terrible. Being a comedy snob is ok.
Specials or most popular drink - yo, check out Kris E's Yelp review of this place. The owner fucking ethered him(?) for showing up late. So fucking ill. Co-sign.

Shea Stadium BK

20 Meadow St. (btw Waterbury & Bogart)

Brooklyn, NY 11206
no phone

Bathroom situation - there are 2 to your left as you enter, one on either side of the soundboard area. Yep yep, that photo above is from the one closest to the door. Visceralist really does this for the people, you guys.
Takes credit cards? - so, this place isn't actually what you'd call "legit" so don't expect to bro your way up in here with your fancy BofA Visa, playboy. Note also that there aren't really any ATMs nearby, so make sure you've got some financial earnins' in the left or right pocket of your Jnco jeans before heading over.
Crowded on weekends? - not really. Strictly speaking, this is a venue and they do curate some new hot shit every now and then (peace to Laurel Halo and her overrated hogwash), but it's out in Way-the-Fuck, Brooklyn, so whatever.
Seating - a couple sofas that are upholstered in only the finest of pleathers, but everyone knows that catching hepatitis from a damn couch ain't cute, so we'd recommend avoiding. It's grimey like that.
Neighborhood - ok, fine, Shea Stadium BK isn't too far from the Grand St. L stop, but it still somehow feels like it may as well be in Belarus. Seriously, this hood is best described as hurt, burnt & crunchy.
Pretentious/assholes - every cloud though, right? The folks who actually do make it out here are generally down like gravity and we here at Visceralist have yet to have someone run up on us with some ol' bullshit and, in fact, have met some real human beings and some real heroes.
Cost of Stella - they only have cans of bud, bud light & tecate (and a couple bottles of Absolut or somesuch), but they're only like $3, so it all evens out.
What time people start showing up - 3rd opening act o'clock-ish.
Bartender efficiency - the "bar" is essentially a dilapidated fridge stocked with cans of the aforementioned that's guarded by a dude with a coffee can full of $1s. But it works.
Official Website - here. Its professional appearance completely belies the decor of the venue, but that's the world we're living in, par.
Food? How late - BYOF.
TVs? What's on - still surprised that Showtime's "Homeland" has been consistently top-notch throughout its first season and glad that it'll be coming back for another. Hasn't been a show this good on that godforsaken channel since the first season of "Dexter."
Guy:girl ratio - this guy for president (of Scotland).
Toys - they have a balcony that looks out on the street directly below the balcony.
Age of clientele - old enough to genuinely appreciate the societal commentary that the creators of "Homeland" are trying to make.
Space for dancing? - plenty, and they're presumably unencumbered by NYC's cabaret laws out here in Helena, but no one takes advantage. Shame.
Music medium, style & volume - the website features free downloads of recordings of many of the shows held here.
Specials or most popular drink - fucking hate that alcohol is such an effective diuretic.

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Midway Bar

272 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-1969

Bathroom situation - 2 unisexes in the back and to the left. Pro tip: if you get super pee-shy cuz you know someone's outside, waiting on you to finish (and prolly talking shit about you on Twitter like "God damn, this idiot better not be taking a shit in there. #ruiningitforeveryone"), it can help to idly check Facebook on your smart phone or game out a few different basketball offensive plays in your head....there we go...
Takes credit cards? - yes, and btw, shouts out to getting Visa gift cards in the mail for your bday. #momsarethebest
Crowded on weekends? - so this place opened only a couple months ago and has pretty poor signage and Hipster Runoff hasn't yet come across any photos of any 'relevant' scenesters here to make fun of, so it should be fine for a while.
Seating - they have a pool table you could prolly lean up on...and also a bunch of bar stools and seats and all that normal bar shit that everyone knows about.
Neighborhood - literally on the border between North & South Wburg. Yellow cabs roll through the area often enough that hailing one can be harder than ripping open a condom wrapper, but definitely easier than putting one on properly. #fuckthisshit
Pretentious/assholes - since Trump has had a monopoly on this characteristic in NYC over the past few weeks and he'd prolly fly into a tasmanian devil-like frenzy of pearl-clutching at the mere suggestion that he set foot in here, there shouldn't be anything to worry about for a while.
Cost of Stella - commenters, remind us to steal one of those Stella-branded glasses next time we come across one, cuz we want one that we can keep at Visceralist HQ that we can adore and fuck and brag about. #stellasaprettybitch
What time people start showing up - late, because this place is prolly catching a lot of the nearby Clem's overflow.
Bartender efficiency - one of Visceralist's buddies recently got one of the bartender's phone numbers, which seemed like quite the coup at the time, but then kinda just went nowhere. #lackadaisical
Official Website - not yet, you guys. Granted, they're pretty new, but there's still no excuse for just not having a web presence at this point.
Food? How late - uff da, those "Texas-style BBQ Ribs" they had in the cafeteria here at Visceralist HQ today have been throwing a tantrum in our digestive system all afternoon. #andthataintcute
TVs? What's on - nope. Btw, commenters, is Treme any good? Worth investing in? We already got "Game of Thrones" and "The Killing" locked in and are pretty busy otherwise, so just wondering if we should bother cutting out showering/shaving to make time for it. #behonest
Guy:girl ratio - the decor here is similar enough to the nearby Turkey's Nest, so just think about the last time you were there and extrapolate accordingly.
Toys - so, is Trumps hair just an insanely extensive comb-over or (even worse?) a piece designed to look like a terrible comb-over? God, just imagine what kind of a mess he looks like getting out of the pool. Or don't.
Age of clientele - wait, what's the new 30? Is it 50 now? So what is 30? The new 18? What's that? Why are we asking? Don't worry about our lives, that's why.
Space for dancing? - don't you even dare.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a jukebox cuz they know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they're a thing that people still like.
Specials or most popular drink - Serious, you gotta remind us about that Stella glass thing. Leave a message in the comments with your email and we'll give you our mobile details.

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Lit Lounge

93 2nd Ave (btw 5th & 6th)

New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7987

Bathroom situation - hold it in or go to Dempsey's down the street. Seriously, just..ugh. Fuck.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but do you really want your card sitting in the muck and the mire that accumulates on the counter-top here. Do you? Someone told us that that's how rubella got started back in the day [ed. damn, when was the last time you heard about some rubella?]
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and this is likely the main reason why this place reeks of sweat (among other similarly malodorous funks) 100% of the time. This place seriously must be fuckin' allergic to Glade Plug-ins.
Seating - the usual complement of chairs at the bar, a few tables in back and an egregiously out-of-place plush sofa downstairs. When Visceralist was here the other night there were 2 random dudes layin' out on the sofa like they were some damn maharishis and giving us the most laid-back mean mug we've seen this side of of a G-Dep video.
Neighborhood - smack-dab in the middle of what is likely the noisiest stretch of the East Village [ed. 'smack-dab?' really? is Heathcliff Huxtable ghostwriting this shit now?]
Pretentious/assholes - you know that thing where someone in a group of people a few feet away from you looks over at you, then looks back to their friends, rolls their eyes and laughs?
Cost of Stella - if you think for one single solitary minute that they clean their draft-to-keg tubes as regularly as they should, then I've got a 6 ft. tall invisible rabbit buddy to introduce you to [ed. OK, you've really gotta step up these references. The next category's entry had better reference something that's at least as current as the Obama administration.]
What time people start showing up - Beer o'clock! Now beer me that Smirnoff Ice so I can go Ice my brah.
Bartender efficiency - actually, not terrible. Just don't make hand-contact...and hold your glass/bottle with a napkin separating your dermis from anything his hand may have touched. The more you know!
Official Website - here. They have a list of "Bands Hoove Played" there. Yes, "hoove." Give to your local Parent-Teacher Association, people.
Food? How late - remember when they used to call puking "hurling" in the 90s...and then that sort of got sublimated into "erlin'" in the early '00s.
TVs? What's on - if they don't have the budget for toilet paper in the bathrooms or even a damn bottle of Pine Sol, why in the fuck would they have a TV going.
Guy:girl ratio - generally 50:50 and probably the only reason people still come here is that it does tend to attract a fair share of better-than-your-average looking young folk...talkin' 'bout their young stuff.
Toys - there's a stripper pole downstairs. Oh, also, they allegedly let people smoke whatever they please til whenever in the morning.
Age of clientele - too young to give a shit and/or know any better. Just remember kids, lust is fleeting, but those bumps'll come back every fall like the NBA.
Space for dancing? - jeah jeah jeah jeah. This is actually mostly what this place is known for. Kids stay gettin' it crackin' on the dance floor...downstairs and upstairs.
Music medium, style & volume - they have loud-as-omg bands downstairs every so often, but usually the music emanates from both the upstairs and downstairs DJ booths. Apparently, Telly from Kids and Johnny from the Wire spin on Saturday nights.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, it smells like foot funk mixed with skunk farts in here most of the time. Grimey as all hell. They should change their name from Lit Lounge to Grimey as A Bucket of Ballsack Lounge. SMH.

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Savalas

285 Bedford Ave (btw S 1st St. & Grand St.)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-5965

Bathroom situation - 3 or 4 unisex single-person units in the back with a communal sink. So, question-time commenters, when you see a guy & girl come out of one of the b-rooms together, do you think it's more likely they're doing coke or doing the pants-on-the-ground lambada (that's the forbidden dance)? Cuz they damn sure ain't doin both. Food for thought, but Visceralist gets annoyed either way.
Takes credit cards? - (Teddy Riley voice) Yep Yep.
Crowded on weekends?- yeah, the weekend is when this spot gets sweaty. The bouncers do a good job of keeping it from getting downright unruly, but "accidental" ass grabs will def be a must, trust.
Seating - this place prolly has one of the highest booth : square-foot ratios of any bar of its kind in the wburg diaspora. That said, you'll still have almost no chance of getting a seat at one unless your clique got there sometime that's not up in the between 11pm and 2am [ed. the grammar police just called in the grammar SWAT team after reading that sentence...smh].
Neighborhood - On the border between the tan-with-your-top-off part of Williamsburg and the clutch-your-pearls part of Williamsburg. That's a metaphor. No, but really...
Pretentious/assholes - the dance floor is usually pretty audacious (more on that later), so it seems like most folks here check their middle school insecurity at the door.
Cost of Stella -fuck, Visceralist got here at like 2am on a Saturday night recently (got a booth), but we're blanking. Prolly cuz we got here at like 2am on a Saturday night.
What time people start showing up- the Yelp reviews of this place are just *mwwwahh* in their would-be precociousness. Check out Vinci from the BX's review in particular. Reviews like this are why Visceralist started Visceralist.com.
Bartender efficiency - you'll def be waiting for a bit (even when the dance floor is jumpin) but just a bit.
Official Website - here. It asks you to visit their Facebook, but doesn't provide a link or re-direct. Might as well link to their fuckin Orkut page...
Food? How late - does water count? [ed. No, and you know it doesn't.] Cuz they have that at the sinks.
TVs? What's on- nope, so no bootleg Inception viewin' for you. Visceralist's mind was the scene of an orgasm, btw.
Guy:girl ratio - girls tend to get harassed on the dance floor here, but still come in droves, so what does that tell you...
Toys- you can smoke in the "porch" area out front.
Age of clientele - how old is too old, really? Kobe's 31 and Lord of the Fuckin Rings, so what does that tell you...
Space for dancing? - yeah, so this is really the only reason to come to this place. Best dance spot in the Burg-burg. Gully. Juice.
Music medium, style & volume- DJ'd and hip hop to the break of dawn, like come on now. That they're in Wburg and play hip-hop all night makes Savalas an oasis in a desert of bland garage-rock...like that shit's gonna come back. Fuck the fuck outta here with all that bougie...
Specials or most popular drink - Killa said he's heroin (pronounced "hair-ron") and sex in one...dope as fuck!

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The Cove

106 N 6th Street (btw Wythe & Berry)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(212) 599-5959

Bathroom situation - there're 4 unisex units downstairs with a shared sink. The area around the sink is grimey like a Perkins parking lot (what up, Ti-Ti!), but the bathrooms somehow manage to be worse. Reminiscent of the early days of that old One D at a Time blog by that chick who parlayed that into a gig at Jezebel. She still alive?
Takes credit cards? - yeah, with a $15 minimum.
Crowded on weekends? - they have a little alcove in front of the entrance which tends to draw a congregation, but it never gets too frothy indoors.
Seating - tons and tons. If you can't get a seat here, you are a grade-A, Cross Colours-wearing L to the O-SER. Visceralist, meanwhile, is one of the original playas from the himalayas. Write that down!
Neighborhood - you can see the East River from here, which is nice cuz that means the scenery is like mwah! wanna-hump-up-on-it gorgeous. Downside: hard to catch a cab here.
Pretentious/assholes - you'll find lots of folks here that have to wiggle to get into their jeans, but despite that, The Cove does seem to do a good bit of business with some fine young individuals.
Cost of Stella -5 dollars, muthafucka! They managed to crack the $6 Stella floor that for so long seemed so damned impregnable. That alone should warrant a trip.
What time people start showing up - this seems like the kind of place where people lurk around the corner, surveilling like the Jakes, just waitin for other people to show up before they walk in. That said, Visceralist showed up at around 2:30am recently and the place was whatever 2 notches down from "jumpin" would be.
Bartender efficiency - gotta give it up here. These mugs came through than a muh. Lot of good stuff going on here.
Official Website - Visceralist toyed around with the iPad today and thought it was slicker than your average...but still not sold. How we gonna get the new Gucci or Nicki mixtape on that shit? Oh, we gotta download it on our main computer and transfer? Oh word? On to the next one...
Food? How late -'the fuck outta here...
TVs? What's on - no, but they did have one of those laser-light discoball shits. The lights were green the other night so Visceralist felt like we were Neo in the Matrix after he realized he was The One. Then we start poppin shit with the tall, bald black dude and we got snapped back to reality (oh! there goes gravity).
Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist's favorite Mitch Hedberg joke: "I don't have a girlfriend...I just know someone who'd be really pissed if she heard me say that."
Toys - they do have like a pinball or some skee-ball shit off in the corner, but with the vibe here it's like they just have that so they know who to kick out.
Age of clientele - people nearing their early-to-mid 30s, but who still know who Waka Flocka Flame is.
Space for dancing? - yep yep. This spot is actually one of the best places to catch a dance move what Visceralist has dubbed the Hipster Git-Bizzy...which is basically a more peptic version of the Charlie Brown dance.
Music medium, style & volume - fuck yeah, you had to ask? They got DJs on the reg-ro with names like Dario Speedwagon and DJ Tikka Masala. Comewidditnow!
Specials or most popular drink - fuck, playboy...is LOST dropping the ball this season, or what?
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Turkey's Nest Tavern

94 Bedford Ave (btw N. 11 & 12)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 384-9774

Bathroom situation - 2 honeybuckets in the back, ostensibly 1 M and 1 F, but if we're being 1000%, then just pick one and get it how you get it, you undersmell? Yay AAAARREEEEAAAAAAAA!.
Takes credit cards? - no, but it almost feels like they're only doing this as some kind of long-term performance art project. Reality will kick in eventually, once they realize that Deitch only gives a what if you got that Yale MFA, sleepyhead. [ed. shouts out to Kehinde Wiley and his Puma-commissioned World Cup project, btw]
Crowded on weekends? - during the colder months, yes, but during the warmer months, no cuz cats mostly sneak in here, get a styrofoam cup of that good-good and keep it moving. McCarren park is right across the street, so...
Seating - a few flimsy tables in the front and the usual complement of stools at the bar...the tables are flimsy like the jackets people wear in LA in the winter. Like "Burrrrrrr....WTF is this, 50?!! OMFG....Thank god North Face makes windbreakers, phew!"
Neighborhood - near the Greenpoint/Williamsburg borderline, so residential-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - this place goes into sports-bar mode during college football/bball season, so if there are any midwesterners/southerners in WBurg during that time of year (shouts out to the Big Ten), don't be surprised if you bump into someone who will take a little spilled beer on their shirt as an actionable offense.
Cost of Stella - $6 and the clear plastic cup they serve it in comes gratis.
What time people start showing up - 'round 'bout when there's 1 or 2 fingers between the sun and the horizon, depending on the season.
Bartender efficiency - they have a couple goofballs working here (like seriously, something out of Duck Tales), but they got it where it counts. And they're plucky.
Official Website - nathan.
Food? How late -crushed ice prolly doesn't count as food, but it should be noted that they have a ton of this here.
TVs? What's on - usually something NCAA-related with some competitive 18-22 yr olds who get money under the table. Cash money, that is.
Guy:girl ratio - If you're like us here at Visceralist, you love it [ed. love it!] when people throw out stuff like "but my boyfriend was like..." in a conversation. Or like when you're reading a review of the newest Lost episode on The AV Club and all of a sudden in the middle of a paragraph you're reading stuff like "...but my wife's theory is that Jack is really the Smoke Monster, but also kind of Ben in a way, so you never know..." SMDH.
Toys - that new Buck Hunter shit that's like a Safari or some shit.
Age of clientele - can we talk about how Nicki Minaj is like 19 yrs old, but killin the rap game? Best female MC since Eve? Missy? Only thing is, her flow is like....seems like Wayne might be ghost-writing for her. Just a thought. Or...oh snap...vice versa?!
Space for dancing? - nah, but really...there's only so many ironic performances of David Brent's "duh-du-du-dunna-dunna" dance one can stand in one's Earthly lifetime.
Music medium, style & volume - fuck, not sure....prollly Phoenix or suchlike.
Specials or most popular drink - "You know what's in my styro-foam / What? / S-Y-R-UP! / That's my car, yup. / Vrooommm..." Young Tunechi c. 2007
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Macri Park

462 Union Ave (btw Conselyea & Metropolitan)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-4999999999

Bathroom situation- they have two unisex rooms downstairs that prolly start the night out nice, but by 12:30 they're basically refugee camp status. Not sure if this is still the case, but the two rooms used to share a somewhat fancy sink...like it was built in the middle of the wall separating the two. This left a small space through which you could see into the other bathroom. It's almost as if they designed the bathrooms by starting with a glory hole and working around that...then sobered up halfway through the construction and were like "Ooooh dip! What we finna do?!" It kinda works tho. There's also a solo unisex joint near the entrance to the backyard on the left side.
Takes credit cards?- if you're still using credit cards in today's economy, your life is going way better than Visceralist's. Damn. Can we hold $20? That's the cc min here btw, so if you're using one, we know you got it. So why you holding out on us? Damn...now that's what friends are for?
Crowded on weekends? - people tend to walk by this place w/o even realizing it's there, so it doesn't get too stupid.
Seating- 10ish seats at the bar and a gang of boothsthroughout that are arranged nice and efficiently. Plus in the warmer months, the backyard is open and replete with several picnic tables and permeated with the fucking awesome scent of cigarette smoke.
Neighborhood- the part of WBurg that thinks it'd be stupid to diss Kanye, cuz even his superficial raps are super-official. "Cuz I dookie-dong any song that they threw me on!" - Kanye Omari West c. 2005
Pretentious/assholes - where you act up...that's where you get smacked up.
Cost of Stella- prolly like $6. Funny cuz we're actually gonna go here this weekend, but wanted to knock this review out now instead of waiting to actually go there and remember what stuff's like so we can be accurate in this review. But hey...if it works for the NYPress...
What time people start showing up - hard to say cuz this place is rarely packed to the gills.
Bartender efficiency- the bar's surface area takes up a relatively small percentage of the overall square footage of this place, so you'd think it'd be all "Fuck, I gotta flash a $20 bill to get someone's attention out this bitch." Kinda like it is in Soho, or Meatpacking or Grammercy or Murray Hill or any of those other super official neighborhoods in NYC that everyone loves going to cuz there are never any problems and you always (ALWAYS) have a great time even though you were unsure of going there cuz technically you weren't invited, but it was an open-invite Facebook event and that one chick said she was a 'Maybe', so fuck it, nothing to lose...
Official Website - none, and this place doesn't really even need one cuz it's so " ". Visceralist only remembered this place cuz we happened to be Facebook "invited" to a party here this weekend.
Food? How late - not really, but there's a great Peruvian restaurant around the corner. We forget what it's called tho.
TVs? What's on - yes, they got one of them thangs. So you can watch Judge Joe Brown start every sentence with "Now you mean to tell me..."
Guy:girl ratio- all the bartenders here are female and there's like 15 of them, so if you're a dude here you'll prolly be outnumbered. And they're totally really flirting with you cuz they think you're cute, btw. God, you're so interesting. Now how come you're still single? So, you're here for Mike's bday, right? Oh nice, who do you know here? Oh...well, who invited you then? Oh...(to the guy standing behind you) what can I getcha?
Toys - glory hole in the bathroom.
Age of clientele- spend enough time here and you'll be like "Ha, damn....kids really do still move to NYC and get waiter jobs while trying to be actors and writers and shit. Fuck...thought Sex and the City and Vice Magazine put an end to that shit....ah well."
Space for dancing? - the booths & tables seemed almost perfectly arranged to prevent any dancing from taking place. Bloomberg's Cabaret laws for the W.
ID Check Procedure - not sure that we've ever encountered one.
Music medium, style & volume- lots of times it's the bartender's iPod, but they also do occasionally get DJs here too. Either way, no need to listen to "Lovesong" (or any Echo & The Bunnymen, for that matter) on your iPod on the way over.
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some shit, who knows. Write your own damn bar review, shit.
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Essex Ale House

179 Essex Street (btw Houston & Stanton)

New York, NY
(212) 505-6027

Bathroom situation - read the photo above and weep. And that's the only one. Smh.
Takes credit cards? - allegedly.
Crowded on weekends?- this place is so tiny that if it's just the bartender in here (which is usually the case) then it's fuckin packed like the Times Square Red Lobster on a Saturday night (RIP Ultimate Fondue btw).
Seating- like 8 or 9 stools at the bar and that about it. Before the relatively recent renovation, they had a few more tables in the middle, but they replaced them with a billiards table. As far as Visceralist knows, no one's had sex on this pool table (big, throbbing, wet shouts out to Alligator Lounge).
Neighborhood - Damn, Wayne just said "Took the brains out the whip / now it don't make no sense." Pulitzer much!?
Pretentious/assholes- it'll sometimes catch some spillover from the nearby Element nightclub (which, you know...), but the stuntin is usually kept to a minimum.
Cost of Stella - $6 and bottle only. FML.
What time people start showing up - *crickets*
Bartender efficiency - decent.
Official Website - none, so here's the Yelp site. It (a) still says the bar is closed and (b) features one of the most pretentious Yelp reviews Visceralist has ever seen (which is saying something). Commenters, guess which one it is.
Food? How late - if you're saying that Red Lobster's Ultimate Fondue wasn't the shit, then the truth ain't in ya.
TVs? What's on - yes, they have an old-school joint that still gets the Ed Sullivan show somehow. Rilly big shoe.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll have better luck at Element...it's right around the corner.
Toys - pool table that's prolly broke (witchya broke ass).
Age of clientele - skews older. Like the age-range where you have a favorite Good Times episode.
Space for dancing? - it's so drab here that you may fall asleep and have visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, but other than that, no.
ID Check Procedure - do you have hands? Do you have a face? Then it wasn't me! Then you're in.
Music medium, style & volume- we here at Visceralist have never in our whole cotton-pickin lives ever been to a bar in (Old El Paso commercial voice) New York City that hasn't had some kind of music playin in the background, but dagnabbit...
Specials or most popular drink- though this place pitches itself as one of those bars that's known for it's large beer selection, it ain't (as noted in a certain incredibly pretentious Yelp review).
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Home Sweet Home

131 Chrystie Street (btw Broome & Grand)

New York, NY
(212) 226-5708

Bathroom situation - people come up to us all the time [ed. like all the damn time] like "Hey, Vissy...h-how come you start every review talking about the bathroom, huh? Ewww for days." Well, mostly cuz of places like Home Sweet Home. Spoiler alert, but we really like this place, but unfortunately the restrictive bathroom setup can put a damper on even the most orgy'd-up night. There's 2 here, a ladies & gents. The men's has a stall and 2 urinals. The women's may have more than one stall, but cot damn the chicks here stay in the queued-up stance. Who wants to wait in the stinky part of a bar all night while their friends are back there having fun, hitting on their significant others? Huh? Exactly.
Takes credit cards?- don't let the basement location or the scent of mold creep-creepin up from the other side of the couch cushions fool you....they do take credit cards here (shout out to those old-school click-clackers).
Crowded on weekends?- dear Lord yes. More crowded than the Lost Meetup group's get-together for the premiere on 2/2/10 (which is apparently capped at 97, goddammit).
Seating- so apparently this place smells of some kind of musk which most people attribute to the old-school (like some shit that was around back when Darwin was busy being right) couches that, incidentally, feel great after you've been standing up all night. Visceralist is gettin old. Get off our lawn and put Leno back on, carn-sarnnit!
Neighborhood- the tippy-toe of the LES, but still firmly the LES. Yes, even despite all the Chinese lettering dotting the scaffolding of its neighbors.
Pretentious/assholes- some folks seem to think that by virtue of the fact that they're inside this place, they've successfully navigated the lower east side's "secret handshake" and are thereby immunized from your prototypical hipster's scorn (Is hipster still a meme in '10?). Visceralist is above all this, however, cuz we're perpetually on that next shit.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was comped here last time we went, so we didn't bother with this swill.
What time people start showing up- (Seth Meyers voice) Really? Julian Casablancas is playing Terminal 5 solo? Really? The Living Room upstairs was booked that night? Really?
Bartender efficiency - you won't get jerked around as much as you'd expect.
Official Website - here. How does that joke go in Funny People? Fuck MySpace in the space? Yeah, that's how it goes.
Food? How late - they have some taxidermy on the walls but it's always undercooked.
TVs? What's on - raspberry noise.
Guy:girl ratio - close to 50/50, but sometimes this place leans goth-y [ed. that's still a thing?]. Nothing worth a second look though.
Toys- last time Visceralist was here, we saw some chick writing perfectly legibly on a napkin in backwards English. Yes, backwards...mirror shit. Asked if her name was Alice, but she was like "There's an embargo on reviews till February." [ed. uugggghhh.... that's a joke? (Amy Poehler voice) Really?]
Age of clientele - no one here has ever even heard of Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
Space for dancing? - fuck yes, and this is where this spot really shines. The dance floor is small as shit, near the shitters, and gets packed as fuckin constipated shit, but somehow it still manages to be fun. Don't even bother with the Right Guard Xtreme Dry, cuz it will hobo out on your ass like its name was "Don Draper."
ID Check Procedure- the bouncers here don't go for the okey-doke, so don't come 'round here perpetratin'....unless you like gettin' tossed in the air like some damn pizza dough.
Music medium, style & volume - overrated DJs.
Specials or most popular drink - How dare you? You know how lucky you are you even got in here?
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Cake Shop

152 Ludlow St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 252-0036

Bathroom situation- in a words: surprisingly paltry. They only have one single-use honey-drop on the street level, and it's bus' down like Shaq's knees [ed. and that mug's still making more than Bron Bron this year...smh]. They have a Dude's & Dudette's downstairs, but since that's where their stage is, you'll usually have to come out your pocket to use them. Smfh.
Takes credit cards?- Though Visceralist definitely recalls having left our corporate card here overnight one time and came back the next day all grateful when it turned up in their lost-n-found [ed. not grateful enough to leave a tip though, according to the expense report. smh], they appurrntly no longer take cards here. So unroll them bills, mayne...
Crowded on weekends?- yes, but the street level is usually not terribly painful given that there'll be PLENTY of room in the back area where they still try to sell some kind of physical, analog musical conveyance that doesn't have any usb interface or nothin' like that there. As for the downstairs area...you know that scene in Kubrick's "The Shining" where the elevator doors open and blood pours out like 2 feet deep? No, never seen it? Ok, well just imagine something like that, but replace the blood with sweat and Beacon's Closet receipts and that basically sums up the downstairs "venue" space.
Seating- street level has a few stools and 4 or 5 tables, plus they prolly wouldn't mind if you sat your dumps right down on the record racks in the back, cuz it's not like they're gonna be making any money off them like ever [ed. never ever]. Downstairs has a couple stools and a few couches like you'd find during "lesson time" from an old episode of Electric Company or some such.
Neighborhood- 1 hop + 1 skip away from famed LES nightspot Libation, whose velvet rope no Cake Shopper would make it past even if they gave it the bum's rush in a bodysuit made of H1N1 & Lyme's disease.
Pretentious/assholes- Visceralist had an experience here in which some trick-ass mark tried to cut in the front of the upstairs bathroom line cuz he "had to go really really bad." And then the rest of the night went really really bad for him.
Cost of Stella - a rote $6, but they only have it in those glass bottles you often see beer come in.
What time people start showing up- well, they serve food here plus they sell records [ed. pssht], so folk dawdle in and loiter out basically throughout the day.
Bartender efficiency- the downstairs bar usually has two bartenders on busy nights, but there's still a good chance you'll be struggling to make eye contact and then reaching over a person or two to exchange unrolled dollar bills for booze. Your best bet: waving your arms wildly and screaming "Hey! Heyyyy!" until the needle on the (unpurchased) record skips and the whole place goes silent and everyone turns to glare at you.
Official Website - here. Visceralist can't even stunt on this cuz it's actually quite well organized, colorful and extremely band-friendly (clear contact info for booking + a list of equipment available...a rarity).
Food? How late- Visceralist is a carnivore to the nth, repeating ("Yes, we'll have the Scotch Egg with the bacon au jus.") so something about the vegan-delightful vibe of the cafe here just plain rubs us sideways. Plus, um, hello...there's a recession going, so how often are we really throwing out our day-old pastries, people? Think on it.
TVs? What's on - closest you might get is some kind of TV on the Radio side-project.
Guy:girl ratio- one of the Real Housewives of NYC came here one time cuz she heard The Bravery were gonna do a secret MySpace show that was sponsored by Sparks & American Apparel. With photos by The Cobra Snake. Didn't pan out...
Toys - whipping old records at Chuck Klosterman's stupid glasses.
Age of clientele - let's just say that most folks here will totes understand why Bronson Pinchot's recent AV Club interview was so damn brolic.
Space for dancing? - well, this isn't really that type of place. But on the plus side, it's also not the type of place where you're likely to get your ass gaffled in a sweaty mosh pit.
ID Check Procedure- kissy faces, blush & eye-lash batting ain't a gonna work here. On the other hand, it might...Visceralist has never really been here.
Music medium, style & volume - j/k...Visceralist caught MGMT here back in early '08 before they blew up the fuck. And, get this, they didn't even do "Kids"...or as the meathead in the audience called it, "Play Control Yourself!"
Specials or most popular drink - PG Tips.
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Hi-Fi

169 Ave. A (btw 10th & 11th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 420-8392

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person rooms in the back that suffice extremely adequately. Kinda. The one on the far right is cozy-cramped up and has a red light (this is what's hot in the streets, Hi-Fi?), but is otherwise passable.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, so yes.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is exceptional in that, compared to its pilsner-pushing neighbors, it's quite large. Because of this, it rarely gets uncomfortably packt like sardines in a crushed tin box [ed. that song sucks, btw]
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a gang of booths & tables on the left and in the back. They generally get occupied early tho, so if you're a short man you'll def want to wear those shoes with the heels (like RDJ here), cuz odds are you will be standing.
Neighborhood - right in the navel of the only section of the EV that actually has decent bars. That would be Avenue A and its tributaries.
Pretentious/assholes - most folks here are about as blase as this review is turning out. [ed. well pep it up then, dammit!]. A flash mob here would probably get ignored like a certain blog editor. [ed. ain't that a bitch]
Cost of Stella - half as much as your mom charges for some head in the Benz, bitch (so, $6 +tip). [ed. there it is! Now we're goin hard on these hoes!]
What time people start showing up - like with most aspects of this bar, a very average 10pm.
Bartender efficiency - fuck what the reviewers on Yelp are going through, Visceralist has never had any problems with having to wait too long for drinks here (and Visceralist is wild impatient in general). Which, btw, why is it that most Yelp reviewers are female?
Official Website - here. Wiggity wack like something from Geocities' hey-day back in the late 90's. BUT! They do have the whole list of albums available on their mp3 jukebox (more on that in a bit).
Food? How late - nope, nope, nope (shakes head no).
TVs? What's on - a couple over the bar, but nothing to fucking twitter @home about [ed. ooh, timely].
Guy:girl ratio - sorry to couch nearly everything in terms of Yelp reviews, but apparently a lot of people think that only hipsters hang out here. In reality, you're only getting your Kmart-Burger King-The Roots bumpin-health insurance-having hipsters here. The real hipsters who really go hard on these hoes only hang out in Carroll Gardens and Bushwick anymore, so fuck it.
Toys - pool table, pinball, buck hunter & a multi-game unit. Quarters and dollar bills is a must.
Age of clientele - let's just say late 20s and move on to the next one (Swizzy!).
Space for dancing? - probably but this is the kind of place where you really don't wanna be the first person to start dancing. The booths have eyes! And twitter accounts: #lamepeopledancinglamelylikereally?
Grimeyness - the lighting is too dim to really get a good sense, but it's not as shady as some of the Pentagon's deals with KBR [ed. ooooohhh dip, you didn't know Visceralist came political, did you?!]
ID Check Procedure - bouncer with the weight of the world written all over his face [ed. oooooh snap, poetical too, bitch!]
Music medium, style & volume - now this is where Hi-Fi really brings the lasagna to the table. They allegedly were the first bar in NYC to have the type of digital jukebox that's now commonplace in most Broham bars in Murrary Hill. We'll give them that, but the problem is that if you pay to play a song at 9pm, you'll likely have to wait til you're leaving by yourself at 12am after getting kicked out for drunkenly putting your arm around the wrong chick's waist and playing the song on your iPhone as you walk home before you hear it. But its library is quite deep. Lots of Ryan Adams and David Bowie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks from 4pm - 8pm, but that's no good for most people, so fuck it.
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Mug Lounge

448 E. 13th St (btw 1st & A)
New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357

Bathroom situation - two bisexual closets in between the bar and the "lounge" area. Both are fairly clean, but they have Bounty paper towel rolls there, not like a dispenser. So now you're thinking about how brokeass that is, but they also have candles and framed paintings all up in there too, so now you're like "this must be what the good apartments in the Bronx are like."
Takes credit cards? - yes, but with a savvy $15 min. Savvy when most of the happy hour drinks are $6 each (you do the math).
Crowded on weekends? - hysterical. I was ready to devour this section like the end of the Col. Landa / von Hammersmark scene in Inglorious Basterds...but...it seems kinda un-gentlemanly. This place is so frequently empty as to inspire remiscences of the good ol' days of money-laundering fronts back in late 80's NYC. [ed. that's a bingo!]
Seating - like Mike Vick right after a 2 year bid and at an afterparty at a club in the ATL that notoriously caters to insecure chicks...you'll have your fuckin pick.
Neighborhood - across the street from 13th street's only sick apartment building. You'll be much better off if you somehow find a friend who lives there and go chill on their sectional.
Type of crowd - n/a
Pretentious/assholes - no comment....cuz there's never anyone here, it's sorta like dividing any number by zero. You'll just wind up annoyed and kinda sad.
Cost of Stella - this place's one saving grace is that they have it at the market rate of $6/pint.
What time people start showing up - if people ever show up at this place it'll be because Channel 5 News is covering someone who got noodle-knocked across the street and the camera man and sound guy need a taste in between takes lest they kill themselves.
Bartender efficiency - not sure if Visceralist had a bad experience here once or if it's endemic, but the bitch bartender said they don't make mojitos then put a menu on the bar that listed mojitos. That's just poor.
Official Website - here. They confidently advertise that they have an "event space" where any other respectable bar would call the large section of their continuously-empty square-footage a "tax write-off." That's simple economics, bitches.
Food? How late - they have orange and lemon slices to put in the drinks, but given how crowded this place never gets, they're prolly expired.
TVs? What's on - stop trying to make them feel bad.
Guy:girl ratio - unclear...the bartenders here aren't that cute, so presumably no dude would come here alone. Will have to get back to you.
Toys - most of the couches in the "lounge" area have cushions. That's about all you're getting.
Age of clientele - folks too old to realize that just hanging out near Alphabet City dosn't make you subversive in the least. Plus, all the kids who would bother making fun of you are in the bar a few doors down: Key Bar.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist hates discouraging weaklings from dancing, but seriously if you even try here you are a prime candidate for YouTube or AFV or I don't know what...
Grimeyness - if Bloomberg's maid has a housekeeper...prolly like her house.
ID Check Procedure - "Get your ass in here."
Music medium, style & volume - house music. And yeah, all the bad (puke) connotations.
Specials or most popular drink - on Friday 2 for 1 drinks, but tons of exceptions, so just go to Key Bar.
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The Whiskey Ward

121 Essex St (btw Rivington & Delancey St.)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2998

Bathroom situation - two in the back, both unisex. The one in the back is much roomier, but Visceralist has heard rumors that the mirror in there is two-way. Again, these are just rumors. So that's not actually libel.
Takes credit cards? - yes, for like a $22 min. Something we overheard the bartender say to some button-ups some night who clearly weren't gonna protest that.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but with folks who don't know any better, so they'll actually say "Excuse me" instead of "I will fuckin slap the color out your damn face if you dont..." if you bump into them.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, plus two or three tables to the left, but really there's so much open-air here, you'll want to stand around and quorum.
Neighborhood - literally the armpit of the LES...in every fucking possible fucking way.
Type of crowd - If you have more than one button in your whole outfit, kill yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - the crowd here isn't cool enough to be pretentious. So don't worry Midwest, no one's gonna call you out your name about your damn Gap shit.
Cost of Stella -no esta aqui.
What time people start showing up - on the earlier side, like 8-9ish. The folks here have double chins that they accidentally dip in the weak sauce.
Bartender efficiency - if a fuck ignores a cunt in an uncool part of the LES, does it make a fuckin noise?
Official Website - here. Pedestrian. BTW, William F. Buckley is a boring cunt whose philosophy was mostly wrong.
Food? How late - no kitchen here. You're better off encouraging the pre-60's feminine instincts your gf might be feeling if she watches a lot of Mad Men.
TVs? What's on - Da Bears....
Guy:girl ratio - not that great. The decor here acts as a colander for any hot chicks who are actually aware that they're hot. But what's left...a lot of exes.
Toys - pool table which people with necks will mostly try to not make eye contact with as they walk by it to the bathrooms.
Age of clientele - they'll never admit it, but mostly folks whose first experience with Lil' Wayne was the outro to "Back Dat Azz Up."
Space for dancing? - If you're reading this, you don't want none of this.
Grimeyness - you'll get over it.
ID Check Procedure - laughable (laudable?).
Music medium, style & volume - If you've ever complained about Justin Timberlake, welcome home.
Specials or most popular drink - "Whyskey Flights"...you're either in good company or on your own, B.
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Drop Off Service

211 Avenue A. (at 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 260-2914

Bathroom situation - two converted phone-booths in the back. Both are single-person jawns that are clearly not at all designed with today's husky gentleman in mind. Plus you're damn sure gonna be waiting on at least 1 or 2 folks ahead of you to finish "using" the "facilities."
Takes credit cards? - (rolls eyes) pshh, fine...oh, AMEX only, btw. ATM's in the back.
Crowded on weekends? - you know that one scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark with the snakes? No, not that one...the one in the beginning, inside the plane. No, j/k...really, the one in the pit. Yeah, this place gets almost that crowded. So bring your torches, Dr. Joneses!
Seating - comfortably available...plenty at the bar, plenty of booths on the left, a couple couches in the (stanky) back near the bathrooms...and even some more (some more?!) yes, some more in the way-back to the right.
Neighborhood - essentially across the street from Stuyvesant Town, and in a mostly friendly/boring section of the EV. Not really any jackpots to worry about.
Type of crowd - trick-ass young men (that like to trick off all their little trick money) and the triflin-ass chicks and dudes that are happy to take advantage of them.
Pretentious/assholes - the crew from IvyGate Blog apparently has get-togethers here, so you know how that goes...
Cost of Stella - not really sure...next time you see a trick, ask him.
What time people start showing up - 9 o'clock on. This place never gets pointless-crowded like Plan B tho, so no worries.
Bartender efficiency - by now you know that Visceralist will take any (and every) opportunity to do some hatin', but really this is one area where Drop Off Service is mostly untouchable.
Official Website - none. This is the type of no-pretense place that really doesn't need one though. A Drop Off Service flickr page might be fun, but also not necessary.
Food? How late - does eye-candy count? No? Ok, then no. [ed. No even if it does count, imo.] Actually, they do apparently have "meat pies" here, but once you get a good look at this place you'll prolly stick with the eye-candy.
TVs? What's on - no, so let's grow up, people, shall we?
Guy:girl ratio - the girls here tend to be pretty next-door-y. And in the minority.
Toys - this place is more dog friendly than all of TriBeCa, so let it be known that Marmaduke will be off the leash every now and then.
Age of clientele - mostly people who remember a time when Pabst was shit.
Space for dancing? - Dancing?! If you so much as slide into your seat too fast or tap your feet while in the aforementioned line for the bathroom, you're gonna get gawked at.
Grimeyness - standard issue. Nothing to write home about. It is what it is. Comme ci, comme ca. Mos o menos. You know what it is. Pshh.
ID Check Procedure - they give you the ol' once-over.
Music medium, style & volume - played-out Jukebox. You're better off just bringing your ipod/iphone + earphones if you're here alone or with a gf/bf that you're passive-aggressively trying to get rid of.
Specials or most popular drink - all beers are $3 from 5-8. Kinda meh, but they have a larger-than-average selection, so...also special: big shouts out to Associate Justice Sotomayor!
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