Affaire

50 Avenue B (Corner of E. 4th)

New York, NY 10009

(212) 375-0665

Bathroom situation - so the street level floor of Affaire is set up as a small restaurant. There's 1 bathroom in the back, to the side of the bar. Then downstairs there are two separate lounge rooms which each have 1 small bathroom. Each one is single-person and the tricky part with the downstairs ones is that the doors blend in seamlessly with the wall. If you're having trouble finding them, just wait for a line to form.
Takes credit cards? - yes and when you close out at the bar, they go through the whole rigamarole of putting your check in one of those black pleather folders, which is such a cyse.
Crowded on weekends? - the following is a true story that happened in real life earlier this year: The Visceralist rolled up to the door of Affaire on a Saturday night. The Bouncer (who looked like he had probably used the phrase "'Nuff said" about 5 or 6 times that week), was all, "Gotta lose the hat. Can't let you in with that hat." Fair enough, so we turned to our friend and asked her if she could please put the offending hat in her purse for the night. She was all, "Of course." Problem solved, right? Of course. But then Bouncer was all, "Nah, no hats at all inside. Gotta get rid of it." To which we responded, "It'll just stay in her bag, man, it's all good." Bouncer: "No hats." V: "Really? So even though I could've put the hat in her bag in the cab before we got here, you won't let us in?" Bouncer (after cinching up his jean cargo shorts): "Yeah. I mean if you wanna come in now, you could throw it out in the trash can on the corner." Tell you what, how 'bout you throw out your unreasonable attitude, guy?!
Seating - 7 or 8 dinner tables upstairs and a few lounge-style sofas in both downstairs rooms. Most seats on the sofas were occupied by coats - including Visceralist's beloved Spiewak, which typically causes us a healthy dose of undue anxiety. Fortunately though, the crowd kept their grubbies off, so no complaints there.
Neighborhood -what's that saying about Alphabet City in NYC's bad old days? Ah yes: If you're on Avenue A you're alright, Avenue B you're brave, Avenue C you're Crazy, Avenue D you're Dead. That hasn't really been applicable for a while, so Visceralist proposes a revision: If you're on Avenue A you're an NYU student, Avenue B you're boring cuz all the bars on this avenue are mediocre, Avenue C you'll get flooded once a year but it'll get blogged about, Avenue D you'll get flooded once a year but you're on your own for a couple weeks after.
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that you will see a guy or few that does that move where he puts his arm up against the wall behind the girl he's talking to and then leans in with a grin.
Cost of Stella - $7 and bottles only. Pay cash.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 11:30ish on a recent Saturday night and both downstairs rooms were jammed up like the EQ on a Waka Flocka track.
Bartender efficiency - surprisingly adept, considering the crowds. We'd like to take this time to send an unreserved, non-sarcastic kudos their way.
Official Website - here. Their "Delicious Playful Moments" section informs us that they present frequent burlesque shows here. So if seeing bra-covered tits vs. seeing naked tits is like eating porridge that's too cold vs. eating porridge that's too hot, then this is your spot. With your freaky ass ;)
Food? How late -full brunch and dinner menus. Buffalo style frog legs!
TVs? What's on - no, Affaire aspires to a level of pretension that would see it more at home on a Mad TV parody of Girls. So you're gonna have to catch that Nets game down the block at Croxleys, bruh.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50ish.
Toys - not really, so try to make some new friends in the bathroom or coatcheck lines.
Age of clientele - folks in their mid-20s who think they know what folks in their mid-30s act like and attempt to imitate that.
Space for dancing? - so this is where they actually get shit completely right. Perhaps the bouncer actually knows his business because, though the dance floors in both lounge rooms could be crowded enough to be a hassle to walk through, it was fuckin' party time out that bitch and it was official.
Music medium, style & volume - stretched-out dance remixes of Khia's "My Neck, My Back" & "Gangnam Style" were heard and remembered.


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The Cabin Down Below

110 Avenue A (entrance on 7th btw A & B)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 614-9798

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person units right next to the bar. There is a constant, unyielding line at all times, so as much as you may want to listen to a little bit of "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" while you're peeing, do not do because people are waiting and looking awkward.
Takes credit cards? - yeah and for some reason this place reminds Visceralist of the scene in "Dig!" where the singer from The Dandy Warhols was talking about his band's recoupment status with their label and says "We were so in the black it's not even funny." As if. Cunt. *dead*
Crowded on weekends? - fuck yeah, man.
Seating - the set up is like a restaurant, and they have these booths that are mad claustrophobic like on some "Or else it gets the hose again" shit.
Neighborhood - belly of the beast, muhfucka.
Pretentious/assholes - fuck yeah, man. Tons of singers from The Dandy Warhols here.
Cost of Stella - they're mostly about cocktails here, so don't get gas-faced asking for a beer here like some simpin'-ass hook.
What time people start showing up - as befits this spot's speakeasy facade, the cool kids wouldn't be caught dead here before 3am.
Bartender efficiency - The Cabin Down Below has an unfortunate bottle-neck problem near the bar because it's so small, but the 'tenders here are gasp! surprisingly adept at pourin' that poison.
Official Website - Visceralist is of the opinion that every place, even "speakeasies", should have some type of web-presence. But a lot of managements seem to think it helps their allure to avoid this altogether. They're wrong.
Food? How late - apparently the entrance to this place used to be through some random backdoor in a pizza place around the corner. Thank God they peace'd that pretentious bullshit.
TVs? What's on - best show of '10? Welp, Visceralist loved Boardwalk Empire, but mostly for the gangsta shit that Jimmy got into...Mad Men had their best season, true, but nothing was fucking with the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul for President.
Guy:girl ratio - it's a gang of foxxy mommas here.
Toys - they have candles here, so you can do that game that everyone knows about where you take turns pouring hot wax on your hand and see who flinches first.
Age of clientele - Visceralist will (hopefully) be 40 someday, so we really shouldn't talk shit, but...c'mon son.
Space for dancing? - This.
Music medium, style & volume - if Visceralist ever comes here not wasted up the fuck, we'll let you know.
Specials or most popular drink - $12 cocktails...I know, right?

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Bedlam

40 Avenue C (btw E. 3rd & E. 4th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-1049

Bathroom situation - 4 single-person unisex walk-in closets right to the left of the dance floor. This is an unfortunate design flaw cuz who wants to have to have to account for 1 or 2 4-person queues in the middle of the dance floor when you're prepping your Dougie, Jerk, 2-step or what-have you? Nadie, that's who.
Takes credit cards? - this place is still fairly new, so prolly not, but they do appear to have those touch-screens that have the drinks pre-loaded, so they just press a button and all of a sudden you're out that $8 cash that you were hoping would last til the end of Thursday night, or at least til 1:30 am Thursday night when your direct deposit finally hits your account.
Crowded on weekends? - so this place had a wild opening night which attracted international superstars like Matthew Broderick and Anderson Cooper's bf. Things seem to have cooled down since then, but don't be surprised if the place is nuts-to-butts on account of a Ted Danson sighting that's got Twitter going crazy. #SamMaloneInTheBuilding
Seating - Bedlam features a slightly longer-than-your-average bar, so it's a grip of stools at the bar. 4 or 5 loungey booths opposite the bar. Then there's a backroom that's completely swagged out with couches, sofas AND davenports. Get it how you live!
Neighborhood - the part of alphabet city that's still probably fine, but has become a little "ehhh, iffy" since the recession hit.
Pretentious/assholes - the cunt clique doesn't generally venture out to Avenue C too often, and when they do it's usually to "check out" Zum Schneider, NuBlu or Sunburnt Cow. Doesn't appear that they've re-upholstered Bedlam's pussy yet.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was here for the Fader new issue release party the other night and the open bar was only on bottles of Bud (no shots), so we didn't get to check its Stemperature. Next time.
What time people start showing up - so the decor here is extremely taxidermy-heavy. Reminiscent in some ways of Freeman's but like that but on coke for a few hours and can't stop talking about how much taxidermy is unfairly maligned "these days" and how they're gonna "bring it back." Eh.
Bartender efficiency - way more efficient at serving drinks than Salem is at figuring out when a song should fucking end. Like by a fucking order of magnitude.
Official Website - not yet, but we know they have it in them.
Food? How late - they have food here like Home Depot has food there. Like, you could probably eat some of the stuff in there, but...
TVs? What's on - nah, so you'll have to stick to Hulu and Netflix streaming [ed. shouts out to them getting the full LOST catalog again soon].
Guy:girl ratio - remember that Black Rob song "Whoa?" Well, it's goin' down like whoa here at Bedlam.
Toys - the backroom apparently transforms into a quasi-VIP section on the weekends, so the marachino-cherry dart game can definitely be in effect mode.
Age of clientele - young enough to be confused as to why there's a huge [ed. like way too huge] moose head jutting 5 feet out of the wall, overlooking the proceedings and going like "SMH."
Space for dancing? - yes! A dedicated dance floor just past the bar. It's pretty comfy-cozy, but if that new David Guetta is really releasing the right endorphins in your brain-box, then just go for it.
Music medium, style & volume - what Visceralist has been told is "progressive house" coming from the DJ boof.
Specials or most popular drink - RIP NYC 4Loko (2010). Pour out a sip of Sparks.

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Lit Lounge

93 2nd Ave (btw 5th & 6th)

New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7987

Bathroom situation - hold it in or go to Dempsey's down the street. Seriously, just..ugh. Fuck.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but do you really want your card sitting in the muck and the mire that accumulates on the counter-top here. Do you? Someone told us that that's how rubella got started back in the day [ed. damn, when was the last time you heard about some rubella?]
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and this is likely the main reason why this place reeks of sweat (among other similarly malodorous funks) 100% of the time. This place seriously must be fuckin' allergic to Glade Plug-ins.
Seating - the usual complement of chairs at the bar, a few tables in back and an egregiously out-of-place plush sofa downstairs. When Visceralist was here the other night there were 2 random dudes layin' out on the sofa like they were some damn maharishis and giving us the most laid-back mean mug we've seen this side of of a G-Dep video.
Neighborhood - smack-dab in the middle of what is likely the noisiest stretch of the East Village [ed. 'smack-dab?' really? is Heathcliff Huxtable ghostwriting this shit now?]
Pretentious/assholes - you know that thing where someone in a group of people a few feet away from you looks over at you, then looks back to their friends, rolls their eyes and laughs?
Cost of Stella - if you think for one single solitary minute that they clean their draft-to-keg tubes as regularly as they should, then I've got a 6 ft. tall invisible rabbit buddy to introduce you to [ed. OK, you've really gotta step up these references. The next category's entry had better reference something that's at least as current as the Obama administration.]
What time people start showing up - Beer o'clock! Now beer me that Smirnoff Ice so I can go Ice my brah.
Bartender efficiency - actually, not terrible. Just don't make hand-contact...and hold your glass/bottle with a napkin separating your dermis from anything his hand may have touched. The more you know!
Official Website - here. They have a list of "Bands Hoove Played" there. Yes, "hoove." Give to your local Parent-Teacher Association, people.
Food? How late - remember when they used to call puking "hurling" in the 90s...and then that sort of got sublimated into "erlin'" in the early '00s.
TVs? What's on - if they don't have the budget for toilet paper in the bathrooms or even a damn bottle of Pine Sol, why in the fuck would they have a TV going.
Guy:girl ratio - generally 50:50 and probably the only reason people still come here is that it does tend to attract a fair share of better-than-your-average looking young folk...talkin' 'bout their young stuff.
Toys - there's a stripper pole downstairs. Oh, also, they allegedly let people smoke whatever they please til whenever in the morning.
Age of clientele - too young to give a shit and/or know any better. Just remember kids, lust is fleeting, but those bumps'll come back every fall like the NBA.
Space for dancing? - jeah jeah jeah jeah. This is actually mostly what this place is known for. Kids stay gettin' it crackin' on the dance floor...downstairs and upstairs.
Music medium, style & volume - they have loud-as-omg bands downstairs every so often, but usually the music emanates from both the upstairs and downstairs DJ booths. Apparently, Telly from Kids and Johnny from the Wire spin on Saturday nights.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, it smells like foot funk mixed with skunk farts in here most of the time. Grimey as all hell. They should change their name from Lit Lounge to Grimey as A Bucket of Ballsack Lounge. SMH.

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Royale

157 Avenue C

New York, NY 10009
(212) 254-6600

Bathroom situation - SMGDH. There's 1 M & 1 W single-person safe-deposit boxes just past the bar. Last time Visceralist was here (on a Friday nite), the line for the M was longer than the W's, and was even moving slower (no, like seriously). Several times, Visceralist said "Eff this ess" and went to the bar across the street, which turned out to be substantially quicker. And, the one time we decided to actually wait in line for the M, we wound up waiting for a solid 10 mins, knocking on the door several times to no avail. Gentlemen, just for your own reference, there is no reason you should ever in your whole worthless life spend more than 1.5 mins in a bar bathroom (unless you're smooshin' [ed. that term better stand the test of time]). Come to find that the culprit was a barback who actually spent that whole time trying unsuccessfully to fix the fucking terlit, which was now busted, thank you very much (and can you wait another minute?). Now, presumably this doesn't happen every single night of the week, but when it comes to bathrooms, once is way, way, way too many times.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, their site says no, and Visceralist doesn't really remember. In any event, they do have a fine assortment of $3 & $4 beers, so a card may not really be necessary, depending on how liquid your portfolio is.
Crowded on weekends?- the back-porch region is gullyrific (to be specific), so yeah, expect to do some shoulder-first walkin'.
Seating - Royale is a tiddly bit more restauranty than most bars in the area, so the seating (if you include the outdoor area in the back) is ample like Madea's bosom.
Neighborhood - the part of the EV that seems to be degentrifying of late, but is still mostly fine until like 1am-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was choppin' it up with a few dudes in the line for the restroom on a recent visit and, though they were most definitely some ol' "I like a wide variety of music...except for country & rap" type muhs, they seemed mostly harmless.
Cost of Stella - same price as what Visceralist paid for the new Interpol album (which is that new hot shit, btw)...plus $6.
What time people start showing up - when Visceralist arrived here at 11pm on the aforementioned Friday, it was already heaving like Martin Lawrence's bosom in those Big Momma's House movies.
Bartender efficiency - we spent most of our time in the wayyy back part of the porch area, and thus were restricted to wait-service. The waitress did a perfectly acceptable job of handling our relatively large group though, so we'll refrain from our usual bickering.
Official Website - here. The flash interface could use some bug-testing and the wholly unnecessary Links section has been "coming soon" for a while, but otherwise it's mad adequate.
Food? How late - so, Royale sometimes shows up in those "Best Burgers in NYC" lists, and we can see why (put any ol' bullshit on a brioche bun these days and you're a fucking contender). But honestly, you'd be better off just sticking with the liquid burgers (i.e. beer) [ed. ok, that joke doesn't work on any level...but hey, Lebron doesn't make every shot]
TVs? What's on - from their Yelp page: "We now have a 55" flat screen tv in the heated backyard showing all major sporting events daily. Come catch up with your favorite team!" So, that's a thing.
Guy:girl ratio - probably close to the male:female ratio in the infamous dinner scene in the Eddie Murphy version of "The Nutty Professor."
Toys - nothing to update your Facebook status about.
Age of clientele - remember that scene in Coming to America where Hakeem and Semi go out to a nightclub in Queens and they meet a bunch of different chicks and one of them is Arsenio in drag who says "I wanna tear you apart...and your friend too." Most of the folks here are roughly as old as those characters.
Space for dancing? - don't bother.
Music medium, style & volume - negligible.
Specials or most popular drink - in a perfect bar, Stellas would be $3/pint until 10pm and $5 thereafter. Also, there'd never be any bathroom lines (still can't believe that bullshit...). Royale is pleasant enough, but far from a perfect bar.

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The Porch

115 Ave. C (btw E. 7th & E. 8th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-1515

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex salons on the street level. Both with surprisingly and inappropriately fancy sinks. Kinda like a chick wearing "fuck-me" boots [ed. we here at Visceralist do not condone this term...cuz it's dumb played out...it's basically the Eat Pray Love of the footwear lexicon] to a bar in the meatpacking district and who also happens to have a great sense of humor (like, as in they appreciate the finest in British and American comedy) and an upbeat, nigh-on midwestern attitude. And does coke.
Takes credit cards? - nah, playboy. And Visceralist found out the hard way when we bought a drink for ourselves and a buddy and flashed the Buffalo Wild Wings MasterCard like "Can we start a tab?", and the bartender was like, "Whoa, whoa whoa..." More on this later.
Crowded on weekends?- Visceralist has only been here during the workaday live-long week, so not sure. Commenters?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a few cushioned table setups in the back. Porch's other claim to fame is having a large outdoor area with only the finest in wooden seating. Seriously, they have like a gazebo and suchlike. Plus there's an upstairs area with a fireplace and its own patio...or "porch" if you will. The upstairs area is open as erratically as the Yankee Doodle was in its depressing last year tho...shame.
Neighborhood - unfortunately, NYC seems to be gettin a little bit more brolic lately...as in, yeah, you might get accosted by someone swinging a bike chain, eye-fucking you and telling you to "Say something....Say something!". Eghk. The scary-alphabet-city thing has been done, dude. What's next? Fannypacks and slap-bracelets? The fuck outta here with all that there...
Pretentious/assholes - surprisingly, not much of an issue.
Cost of Stella -$6.
What time people start showing up- mostly on the weekends, but even that seems iffy. Come on by and pull up a seat, dammit.
Bartender efficiency - ok, so as mentioned above, Visceralist is told by the bartender that they don't take credit cards. Fine. Bartender says there's an atm right behind Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist turns around and gets fucked by out-of-network ATM fees. Fine. Visceralist turns back around and hands bartender a Jackson to pay for drinks. Fine. Bartender gives someone else change and blanks on Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist points out that bartender owes him some paypa. Fine. Bartender says "You didn't give me a $20." Ain't this about a bitch. Muthafucka, you just told me to go to the ATM, ATMs only give out $20s, I just paid for this drink. The fuck you think we paid with?! Visceralist insists he did pay with a $20. Bartender relents, but eye-rolls Visceralist back into the 1800s. Sheesh. NYC Bartenders...YOU ARE NOT SACROSANCT!
Official Website - here. Their menu is a 7MB pdf. SMMFH.
Food? How late - apparently something, but Visceralist was waiting for their 7Mb pdf menu to download...and then the Sun swallowed the Earth 5 billion years later and it was still downloading, so...
TVs? What's on- well, they have karaoke on Thurs nights, so, mostly white text against a blue background.
Guy:girl ratio - can you believe Don slept with his assistant and then a week or so later she's (apparently) all good with it? Fuck. The '60s were a muhfuh.
Toys- you could prolly bounce a basketball once or twice against the wood-grain in the back without getting kicked out.
Age of clientele - Jay-Z's like 45 years old now, but he's still the coolest muhfuh in NYC, so what does that tell you?
Space for dancing? - yeah, in the back.
Music medium, style & volume- Visceralist came here on a Karaoke night recently and there was way too much Bruce & "Come On Eileen" and really, we should start a start that's just about songs that should not be done via karaoke. Or maybe a twitter...commenters?
Specials or most popular drink - if you actually get accurate change back without having to make a scene, you're way ahead of Visceralist, so....what does that tell you?

Also, we looked up the word "Profligate" on dictionary.com before writing this, but never found a good spot to squeeze it in. Whatever, we still want credit. Maybe it's a good adjective to describe the triflin' bartender...we don't know. Commenters?

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Destination Bar & Grille

211 Avenue A (NW corner of 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 388-9844

Bathroom situation - one M's and one W's in the back to the right...both single-person and both cute as a button on a tiny blazer on a pomeranian puppy (as the above iPhone photo totally attests).
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernable minimum (tho keep in mind this spot is newish yet, so that could all change once they realize how much their APR goes up when they start accepting a bunch of Rush Cards [ed. damn, inside baseball much?]).
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but for some reason this place seems to attract the tastefully, non-descript cool. The sort who take for a given that Wet Hot American Summer is the funniest movie of the past 10 years.
Seating - two tables by the windows in front, 10 stools at the bar, and a long row of booths on the left which could conceivably accommodate 8 people each.
Neighborhood - Right near the border between Stuyvesant Town and reality.
Pretentious/assholes - the reviews of this place on Yelp are so uniformly positive as to suggest evidence of malfeasance (which Yelp is no stranger to, btw), but try as we might, we here at Visceralist genuinely can't really find too much to shit on here. So this place is actually getting one of our better compliments: the absence of vicious insults [ed. big shouts out to Plan B].
Cost of Stella - yes, $6, but only by the bottle. When asked if they had anything on tap that was like Stella, the bartender answered "Um....I'll have to check..." then quickly ran away and forgot this interaction. To be fair tho, she was really hot and skinny, so that question was fairly sadistic. The bartender who took over her shift later, however, responded that no, they didn't have anything on tap even remotely close to Stella.
What time people start showing up - by 10:30ish it'll be crowded to the point where, if you're sitting at a table or in a booth, you'll likely have to remind your waitress about your orders.
Bartender efficiency - they're about as good at making eye-contact with patrons as you are when you cross paths in the street with that ex you still kinda like and think "damn, what kind of effort would it take to get him/her back? Eehhh, not worth it."
Official Website - here. And web 2.0'd up (174 Twitter followers ftw!). Clean and easy to navigate with all the info you'd need from a bar's website (contact, menu, hours). More of this, please, EV bars.
Food? How late - fuck yeah. This is where the drooling really comes in for this Visceralist. The menu's bacon'd up the fuck plus they have something called Buffalo Chicken Lollipops. What's a diabetes?
TVs? What's on - nah, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - God, Moby's "Play" may be horribly front-loaded and dude may be a one-trick Seabiscuit, but fuck, it's still got that badonk.
Toys - the amenities in the bathrooms are gonna have to make do...that or anything/one you may bring with you into the bathroom [ed. subtle].
Age of clientele - young-looking 30's [ed. hysterical. Like that exists...]
Space for dancing? - this place attracts the kind of crowd that takes dancing lessons after they hit the age of 22....so, no.
Grimeyness - still got that new-bar smell. Shouts out to diesel Audis.
ID Check Procedure - they're still too brand new to be turning away folks, so...
Music medium, style & volume - if they do play music here, it's negligible. The low-rent-swanky-ambiance is deafening however.
Specials or most popular drink - jello shots are on the menu, come in 4 different flavors and are only $3 each. Now...rap about that!
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Hi-Fi

169 Ave. A (btw 10th & 11th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 420-8392

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person rooms in the back that suffice extremely adequately. Kinda. The one on the far right is cozy-cramped up and has a red light (this is what's hot in the streets, Hi-Fi?), but is otherwise passable.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, so yes.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is exceptional in that, compared to its pilsner-pushing neighbors, it's quite large. Because of this, it rarely gets uncomfortably packt like sardines in a crushed tin box [ed. that song sucks, btw]
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a gang of booths & tables on the left and in the back. They generally get occupied early tho, so if you're a short man you'll def want to wear those shoes with the heels (like RDJ here), cuz odds are you will be standing.
Neighborhood - right in the navel of the only section of the EV that actually has decent bars. That would be Avenue A and its tributaries.
Pretentious/assholes - most folks here are about as blase as this review is turning out. [ed. well pep it up then, dammit!]. A flash mob here would probably get ignored like a certain blog editor. [ed. ain't that a bitch]
Cost of Stella - half as much as your mom charges for some head in the Benz, bitch (so, $6 +tip). [ed. there it is! Now we're goin hard on these hoes!]
What time people start showing up - like with most aspects of this bar, a very average 10pm.
Bartender efficiency - fuck what the reviewers on Yelp are going through, Visceralist has never had any problems with having to wait too long for drinks here (and Visceralist is wild impatient in general). Which, btw, why is it that most Yelp reviewers are female?
Official Website - here. Wiggity wack like something from Geocities' hey-day back in the late 90's. BUT! They do have the whole list of albums available on their mp3 jukebox (more on that in a bit).
Food? How late - nope, nope, nope (shakes head no).
TVs? What's on - a couple over the bar, but nothing to fucking twitter @home about [ed. ooh, timely].
Guy:girl ratio - sorry to couch nearly everything in terms of Yelp reviews, but apparently a lot of people think that only hipsters hang out here. In reality, you're only getting your Kmart-Burger King-The Roots bumpin-health insurance-having hipsters here. The real hipsters who really go hard on these hoes only hang out in Carroll Gardens and Bushwick anymore, so fuck it.
Toys - pool table, pinball, buck hunter & a multi-game unit. Quarters and dollar bills is a must.
Age of clientele - let's just say late 20s and move on to the next one (Swizzy!).
Space for dancing? - probably but this is the kind of place where you really don't wanna be the first person to start dancing. The booths have eyes! And twitter accounts: #lamepeopledancinglamelylikereally?
Grimeyness - the lighting is too dim to really get a good sense, but it's not as shady as some of the Pentagon's deals with KBR [ed. ooooohhh dip, you didn't know Visceralist came political, did you?!]
ID Check Procedure - bouncer with the weight of the world written all over his face [ed. oooooh snap, poetical too, bitch!]
Music medium, style & volume - now this is where Hi-Fi really brings the lasagna to the table. They allegedly were the first bar in NYC to have the type of digital jukebox that's now commonplace in most Broham bars in Murrary Hill. We'll give them that, but the problem is that if you pay to play a song at 9pm, you'll likely have to wait til you're leaving by yourself at 12am after getting kicked out for drunkenly putting your arm around the wrong chick's waist and playing the song on your iPhone as you walk home before you hear it. But its library is quite deep. Lots of Ryan Adams and David Bowie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks from 4pm - 8pm, but that's no good for most people, so fuck it.
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Mug Lounge

448 E. 13th St (btw 1st & A)
New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357

Bathroom situation - two bisexual closets in between the bar and the "lounge" area. Both are fairly clean, but they have Bounty paper towel rolls there, not like a dispenser. So now you're thinking about how brokeass that is, but they also have candles and framed paintings all up in there too, so now you're like "this must be what the good apartments in the Bronx are like."
Takes credit cards? - yes, but with a savvy $15 min. Savvy when most of the happy hour drinks are $6 each (you do the math).
Crowded on weekends? - hysterical. I was ready to devour this section like the end of the Col. Landa / von Hammersmark scene in Inglorious Basterds...but...it seems kinda un-gentlemanly. This place is so frequently empty as to inspire remiscences of the good ol' days of money-laundering fronts back in late 80's NYC. [ed. that's a bingo!]
Seating - like Mike Vick right after a 2 year bid and at an afterparty at a club in the ATL that notoriously caters to insecure chicks...you'll have your fuckin pick.
Neighborhood - across the street from 13th street's only sick apartment building. You'll be much better off if you somehow find a friend who lives there and go chill on their sectional.
Type of crowd - n/a
Pretentious/assholes - no comment....cuz there's never anyone here, it's sorta like dividing any number by zero. You'll just wind up annoyed and kinda sad.
Cost of Stella - this place's one saving grace is that they have it at the market rate of $6/pint.
What time people start showing up - if people ever show up at this place it'll be because Channel 5 News is covering someone who got noodle-knocked across the street and the camera man and sound guy need a taste in between takes lest they kill themselves.
Bartender efficiency - not sure if Visceralist had a bad experience here once or if it's endemic, but the bitch bartender said they don't make mojitos then put a menu on the bar that listed mojitos. That's just poor.
Official Website - here. They confidently advertise that they have an "event space" where any other respectable bar would call the large section of their continuously-empty square-footage a "tax write-off." That's simple economics, bitches.
Food? How late - they have orange and lemon slices to put in the drinks, but given how crowded this place never gets, they're prolly expired.
TVs? What's on - stop trying to make them feel bad.
Guy:girl ratio - unclear...the bartenders here aren't that cute, so presumably no dude would come here alone. Will have to get back to you.
Toys - most of the couches in the "lounge" area have cushions. That's about all you're getting.
Age of clientele - folks too old to realize that just hanging out near Alphabet City dosn't make you subversive in the least. Plus, all the kids who would bother making fun of you are in the bar a few doors down: Key Bar.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist hates discouraging weaklings from dancing, but seriously if you even try here you are a prime candidate for YouTube or AFV or I don't know what...
Grimeyness - if Bloomberg's maid has a housekeeper...prolly like her house.
ID Check Procedure - "Get your ass in here."
Music medium, style & volume - house music. And yeah, all the bad (puke) connotations.
Specials or most popular drink - on Friday 2 for 1 drinks, but tons of exceptions, so just go to Key Bar.
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Plan B

339 East 10th Street (Btw Ave. A & B) New York, NY 10079
(212) 353-2303

In a kinder world, the Yelp reviews of this shithole would be enough of a drubbing. They're seriously ridic to the point where some dude actually complained in his review about being roofied. But, like the guy who's towards the end of the line in a train-runnin and says to himself, "eh, might as well...I mean, this is what I came here for, right?" Visceralist just had to go in...

Bathroom situation - two in the back, but don't worry about their condition cuz you won't be able to to reach either of them thanks to the impenetrability of the vacuum-compression that takes place in the "dance-floor" which separates you from the bathrooms at all times. Colostomies & catheters is a must.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but don't expect the poor bartenders here to be able to hear you indicate which card is yours over the din of folks screaming along to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (which Visceralist likes, incidentally).
Crowded on weekends? - (Desmond voice) You must be joking brotha. (/Desmond voice) If we may be so bold as to be genuine for a moment, this is really where Plan B just totally loses the plot. From the second you step inside to the second you leave (hopefully within the same minute), you'll involuntarily be nuts to butts (or, for the ladies, cunts to butts) with the sweaty scum of New York City. They have a bouncer, so they could conceivably manage this a bit better, but it was even like this well before The Great Recession, so the management is definitely to blame.
Seating - you will not.
Neighborhood - you know that scene in "KIDS" where the protagonists beat the shit out of that kid in Tompkins Sq. park? Well that took place right across the street from this place back in the 90s and in some ways Visceralist wishes the "crusties" who live there now would somehow recreate that inside of Plan B instead of toasting to GG Allin with box-wine all night long [ed. crusties? You're watching KIDS too much, grandad.].
Type of crowd - New Yorkers who are usually too young (and in some cases, too smart & savvy) to actually be up in here like it's all good.
Pretentious/assholes - you know that young German soldier in Inglorious Basterds who comes off all "aww-shucks" and charming in the beginning, but gets all date-rapey towards the end? Oh spoiler alert, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist will be damned if we ever sully Stella's beautiful reputation by associating them with this glorified frat hazing.
What time people start showing up - oh, people leave this place?
Bartender efficiency - in some ways Visceralist can't blame the bartenders here for their slowness...a lot of people here just have to get really drunk before they'll deign fuck someone who lists their favorite kind of music as "all different kinds." But on the other hand, most of the bartenders here are really good looking, so we're just instinctively jealous. :p
Official Website - here. They have a flyer up advertising a party from 8/6/09 and most of the candid photos are from 2004/2005. Visceralist can't blame bars for being so lazy when most of the other websites for bars in the neighborhood exhibit the same kind of complacence. But still...really?
Food? How late - no, but if they did have it, it would take so long for it to get to you that you'd already be in bed, awake the next morning and asking yourself exactly which Duane Reade to go to to avoid bumping into people you might know while you wait in line for the real Plan B. [ed. FYI, it costs $50]
TVs? What's on - don't think so.
Guy:girl ratio - possibly the only reason this place is still popular...the ratio is fairly even because of the same principle that let GWB get elected twice. Other people have said they're into it, so it must be decent, right?
Toys - for some guys here, grabbing the oblivious ass or tit that passes by in the hustle & bustle to get to the bathroom.
Age of clientele - old enough to know better, really now.
Space for dancing? - Not at all, but that stops no one. This is the secondary flaw with this place. The dance floor on most nights consumes the entirety of the square-footage to the point where it's just blech, blech, ugh, god, ugh, puke puke. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit [ed. you degenerate].
Grimeyness - Eh, not that bad.
ID Check Procedure - it's not so much an ID check at the door as much as it's a "who you wit?" check. It seems like 90% of this place's clientele is here for Emma or Erik's bday party anyway, so if you're actually coming here just to chill, then you're not coming in here.
Music medium, style & volume - the quintessential Top 40 playlist...not a bad thing as long as Timbaland's done something interesting lately.
Specials or most popular drink - despite what Yelp says, they apparently are 50% everything from 5-10pm.
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Key Bar

432 E. 13th St. (btw 1st & Ave A)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 4783021

Specials or most popular drink - had to move this category to the top cuz this is where Key Bar shines like the barrel of a biscuit. 2 for 1 on all drinks from 5-10pm. No other decent bar in the vicinity keeps their happyhour this fuckin gully. Most of the mixed drinks are in the $10-$12 range, but they're essentially half-off til 10, so...also, they're known for their Lychee Martini, which will fuck you up worse than you'd be if your given name was Dick (not Richard).
Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex drops in the back to the right of the bar. They keep the plungers in them for a reason, which is downright unfortunate, but otherwise they're fairly innocuous. If you have the option, grab the first one (with the sliding door) cuz it's about twice the size of the other one, with a bigger, cleaner mirror. In fact, it's prolly big enough to fit more than one person at a time.
Takes credit cards? - yes, $20 min. With the happy hour in effect, could take a while to reach this.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, that brings us to the "thing" about this place...it's about the size of the interior of a Camry. If the HR dept of any moderately-sized company books a going-away-party here, forget about it. Won't be worth it unless you genuinely want to wish Carol good luck with her future as a NYC Teaching Fellow (won't help). Or if you're trying to get with her cuter friend Nancy.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, 5 lounge couches w/ tables. Moot point, cuz you'll be standing. Cuz there's no seats.
Neighborhood - across the street from one of the freshest non-NYU apt buildings in the East Village. This bar is the only thing open on the whole block after 10pm tho, so if you brought a trenchcoat, pop that collar [ed. (slaps forehead)...really? That's the punchline? You better knock it out the damn park with the next one or you're done here.]
Type of crowd - whiff... [ed. ok...now watch this]
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that most of the crowd prefer's Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" to the clearly superior "Ecstacy" by jj.
Cost of Stella -$6, but comes with an additional free Stella til 10:00pm.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 7:15pm one time for a party that was listed as starting at 7:00pm. Needless to say, Visceralist was disgustingly, wrist-slittingly early for this party, but the place was still reasonably fullish...
Bartender efficiency - two bartenders, but they get it the fuck in. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Official Website - here. The intro page had a listing of browser requirements (like seriously, more than one), so Visceralist made it no further.
Food? How late - they have peach cider here, which tastes like a shit sandwich, so that might count.
TVs? What's on - nope, so better bring your iPhones with the YouTube clips from "In the Loop" pre-loaded.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll manage.
Toys - there's a DJ booth in the back, so most people here entertain themselves with a round or two of the ol' "Hey, could you play..." To be fair though, the DJ always loses...
Age of clientele - mostly folks on their 4th or 5th 30th bday.
Space for dancing? - Oddly, yes. The center of the room tends to get to moshin' at the slightest hint of "Come on Eileen."
Grimeyness - the happy hour will keep you hazy enough to where this is a non-issue. Like how idiots obfuscate the healthcare debate with hysterical hyberbole.
ID Check Procedure - please, homey. If you've even heard of the movie "New Jack City" you'll get in.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ's choice. Not too loud that you'll have to repeat the lie that you're actually still technically employed as a consultant.
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Common Ground

206 Avenue A (btw 12th & 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-6231

In the interests of occasionally pandering to the Twittergraphic, Visceralist hereby debuts its MicroView in which each category is described in the same number of words as the category itself. Enjoy that.

Bathroom situation - annoyingly average.
Takes credit cards? - do bears shit?
Crowded on weekends? - hipsters wouldn't know.
Seating - deceiving.
Neighborhood - zzzzzz.
Type of crowd - both pleated & flat.
Pretentious/assholes - no rumblin'.
Cost of Stella - it's worth it.
What time people start showing up - on trivia night, leavin' work early.
Bartender efficiency - ku dos.
Official Website - here. Corny.
Food? How late - wannabe upscale bar (food).
TVs? What's on - yes, usually SportsCenter.
Guy:girl ratio - quantity, not quality.
Toys - trivia (Wed).
Age of clientele - just gotta Masters.
Space for dancing? - Bloomberg's cabaret laws.
Grimeyness - Pledge goes fast. [ed. the fuck? rules?]
ID Check Procedure - not even necessary.
Music medium, style & volume - similar to white noise.
Specials or most popular drink - HH $2 Yuengling, kinda weak.
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Drop Off Service

211 Avenue A. (at 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 260-2914

Bathroom situation - two converted phone-booths in the back. Both are single-person jawns that are clearly not at all designed with today's husky gentleman in mind. Plus you're damn sure gonna be waiting on at least 1 or 2 folks ahead of you to finish "using" the "facilities."
Takes credit cards? - (rolls eyes) pshh, fine...oh, AMEX only, btw. ATM's in the back.
Crowded on weekends? - you know that one scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark with the snakes? No, not that one...the one in the beginning, inside the plane. No, j/k...really, the one in the pit. Yeah, this place gets almost that crowded. So bring your torches, Dr. Joneses!
Seating - comfortably available...plenty at the bar, plenty of booths on the left, a couple couches in the (stanky) back near the bathrooms...and even some more (some more?!) yes, some more in the way-back to the right.
Neighborhood - essentially across the street from Stuyvesant Town, and in a mostly friendly/boring section of the EV. Not really any jackpots to worry about.
Type of crowd - trick-ass young men (that like to trick off all their little trick money) and the triflin-ass chicks and dudes that are happy to take advantage of them.
Pretentious/assholes - the crew from IvyGate Blog apparently has get-togethers here, so you know how that goes...
Cost of Stella - not really sure...next time you see a trick, ask him.
What time people start showing up - 9 o'clock on. This place never gets pointless-crowded like Plan B tho, so no worries.
Bartender efficiency - by now you know that Visceralist will take any (and every) opportunity to do some hatin', but really this is one area where Drop Off Service is mostly untouchable.
Official Website - none. This is the type of no-pretense place that really doesn't need one though. A Drop Off Service flickr page might be fun, but also not necessary.
Food? How late - does eye-candy count? No? Ok, then no. [ed. No even if it does count, imo.] Actually, they do apparently have "meat pies" here, but once you get a good look at this place you'll prolly stick with the eye-candy.
TVs? What's on - no, so let's grow up, people, shall we?
Guy:girl ratio - the girls here tend to be pretty next-door-y. And in the minority.
Toys - this place is more dog friendly than all of TriBeCa, so let it be known that Marmaduke will be off the leash every now and then.
Age of clientele - mostly people who remember a time when Pabst was shit.
Space for dancing? - Dancing?! If you so much as slide into your seat too fast or tap your feet while in the aforementioned line for the bathroom, you're gonna get gawked at.
Grimeyness - standard issue. Nothing to write home about. It is what it is. Comme ci, comme ca. Mos o menos. You know what it is. Pshh.
ID Check Procedure - they give you the ol' once-over.
Music medium, style & volume - played-out Jukebox. You're better off just bringing your ipod/iphone + earphones if you're here alone or with a gf/bf that you're passive-aggressively trying to get rid of.
Specials or most popular drink - all beers are $3 from 5-8. Kinda meh, but they have a larger-than-average selection, so...also special: big shouts out to Associate Justice Sotomayor!
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d.b.a.

41 1st Avenue (btw 2nd & 3rd)
New York, NY 10003
(212) 677-0437‎

Bathroom situation - 2 in the back. Both gutter as all hell, which is surprising cuz the rest of the bar is wild acceptable. Do NOT come here if your Bs have to M.
Takes credit cards? - Joyfully.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but in the warmer months the outdoor backyard area mitigates this considerably.
Seating - 10ish seats at the bar, 3 small tables in the front, 1 booth in the back. In the summer, however, this is one of the best outdoor bars in NYC cuz their back yardie-yard is the truth. Ample seating and acceptable wait service.
Neighborhood - A short jog away from both a Hells Angels lodge and an NYPD precinct.
Type of crowd - comprised of those who can afford beers that (a) are from continents without the word "America" in them and (b) don't advertise in magazines. [ed. that's supposed to be funny?]
Pretentious/assholes - attracts its fair share of bald(ing) men, so if they are jerks they at least have a reason. With their bald ass. Which reminds us, Kevin Hart has claimed that Jamie Foxx "draws his hair." Is this a thing? He also claims that if movie studio execs figured out where Jamie Foxx's hairline really starts, he would stop getting movie roles. Killt it.
Cost of Stella - for all the fucking beers they have here (and they do have a gang of them), they don't have Stella. Baffling. They usually recommend Jever as a substitute, but really...
What time people start showing up - somehow this place is always well attended.
Bartender efficiency - the chick bartenders here are unreasonably hot, so you know how that goes...
Official Website - here. Quite adept. Plus it features a live webcam that's pointed at the front of the bar. Watch dudes get rejected in stop-motion!
Food? How late - no, likely cuz their drink menu is so big that it takes up all the room they might use to store chicken fingers.
TVs? What's on - won't be able to see LeBron chalking it up here, doc.
Guy/girl ratio - judging from the webcams current viewpoint, 70/30.
Toys - the backyard seems suitable for some horseplay or rough-housing or mischief or cavorting, but otherwise nope.
Age of clientele - late 20s plus old-heads.
Space for dancing - no, this is more like the kind of place where you come after you've been dancing to relax and roast that one desperate guy who was trying to grind on a bunch of different girls. Even the fugly girls wanted nothing to do with his lonely ass. Kill yourself, doc.
Décor - most of the effort has clearly been thrust into the chalkboard drink-list, but it's still fairly upstanding.
Grimeyness - decent...the bathrooms are an outlier.
ID check procedure - Conducted competently on the weekends. Otherwise negligible.
Hood specificity - The part of the EV that thinks its gully...needs to take a trip over to Pitt St.
Music medium, style & volume - Ignorable.
Specials or most popular drink - too lazy to check the website, but presumably your standard nonsense.
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Cherry Tavern

441 E. 6th St. (btw 1st Ave & Ave A)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 777-1448

Given that this blog has now got some serious burn vis a vis its Twitter feed claiming the #1 spot when one Googles "Visceralist" (here), we hereby present Visceralist's official review of its favorite bar. Expect all-time level quality and eat a dick, bitch.

Bathroom situation - 2 in the back, men's has a urinal and a seaty-pooper and women's has a toillette (sans bidet). The mens generally gets doubled up and will feature an unsurprising half-inch layer of piss on the floor. Only the womens has a lock.
Takes credit cards? - I mean, they'll take it...literally.
Crowded on weekends? - uff da, yes! It can get a little crizzampo'd but rarely gets ridicko.
Seating - 10ish stools around the bar, 2 tables in the front, 1 booth just past the juke, and 2 tables in the back. Expect to practice good posture.
Neighborhood - The poorman's East Village. Not to be confused with the layman's East Village.
Type of crowd - fairly gully at most times but with a nice, even conglomeration of both fuckups and losers.
Pretentious/assholes - yes, on the weekends. These are the ones who make it not worth visiting on the weekends.
Cost of Stella - no esta aqui, pero...your basic selection of low-rent beer.
What time people start showing up - ha, specifically between 10:30pm - 11:30pm...if no one's there betwixt these hours, it's one of their (many) off nights.
Bartender efficiency - friggin freakin acceptable.
Official Website - n/a, which is very much in keeping with its adorable off-kilter atmosphere.
Food? How late - nope, and don't bring any.
TVs? What's on - one TV in the corner above the pool table, usually tuned to Cartoon Network or Public Access. And sometimes this.
Guy/girl ratio - nice and comfortable for both genders.
Toys - a pool table with an erstwhile sign-up sheet that gets happily disregarded. The jukebox is the real heartbeat of the joint tho.
Age of clientele - ages 8 - 108 (like MadLibs).
Space for dancing - Don't think so...plus they don't have "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" on the juke anyway, so who gives a fuck?
Décor - puts the "jive" in "dive bar"
Grimeyness - pic next to dictionary entry.
ID check procedure - Competent.
Hood specificity - The cool part of the EV you still can't afford to live in.
Music medium, style & volume - Generally comes via the juke, but beware of this: you'll put your money in and won't hear your songs for a good 30-45 mins. So select "Say Hello to the Angels" BEFORE you order your booze.
Specials or most popular drink - Can of Tecate beer + shot of house tequila for $5 daily. Will totally ruin/augment your night.
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