Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Epstein's Bar

82 Stanton St. (NE corner of Allen)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2232

Bathroom situation
- two in the back, men's to the left, women's to the right. The men's features a urinal and a stall with swinging Old West saloon doors like they have in Back to the Future Part III. Visceralist has heard that the women's is single-person, but feel free to correct that in the comments if need be.
Takes credit cards? - no, and Visceralist is starting to get sick of this BS (we're looking at you too, Pink Pony). Third-party ATM fees are straight bozack.
Crowded on weekends? - this is a deceptively small bar, and it's in the heart of the LES, so you subtract 9 from both sides and do the rest of the math.
Seating - they do manage to squeeze a grip of tables into their lack of square-footage, and during the warmer seasons they have an extra 4 or 5 tables on the patio, so if you happen to come here when most other people have a parade or beach to go to, you should be able to rest your glutes, rectum & anus.
Neighborhood - right close to the newly-opened Thompson Hotel (Antoine Merriweather voice: Hated it.). Don't expect much spillover though.
Pretentious/assholes - this place tends to attract genuine LES locals (no charge, Neilsen...bust out the clipboards) and because it's so small, most other NYCers won't bother squeezing in.
Cost of Stella - again, they only take cash here, so who knows if they have a set price for Stella? The IRS certainly doesn't. Most likely though, it's $6.
What time people start showing up - the problem with young people today: not enough jobs to keep them from showing up at Epstein's around 8ish most nights.
Bartender efficiency - yikes. Best to look at this through a European filter. Visceralist has never been to Europe (nor does Epstein's really profess to be inspired by European bars), but presumably the service at outdoor bars/cafe's there is really slow too.
Official Website - here. Took a visit here to realize that this establishment actually is named after a certain Sweathog's mother (like any of its clientele would get that). Can't hate on it too hard though cuz it's succinct and has their daily specials menu on every page. Eat a dick up till you hiccup, Hi-Fi's website.
Food? How late - yes, basic bar food menu, but the place is so small that one wonders where the hell they actually cook all this shit up. One assumes the kitchen that's actually perfectly visible from anywhere in the bar.
TVs? What's on - yes and sports. If you're like Visceralist and realize that baseball is boring (shouts out to football, basketball & tennis), you'd do well to avoid this place during the months Sept-Oct.
Guy:girl ratio - leaning towards the penis (no homo).
Toys - flat-screen tvs and yelling.
Age of clientele - as Epstein's is close to the border of the LES, you'll find a good mix of problematic young people today that don't know they're not welcome and the 30 year olds who'll make sure they figure that out asap.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has seen a number of people bus' a hot Stanky Leg when the trumped-up check arrives at the end of the night. With they broke ass.
Grimeyness - hate to pull a Red Carpet Rivers move, but the cracked and uneven tiles throughout the bar are a dead giveaway.
ID Check Procedure - no bouncer, and the bartender's usually a chick who won't bother carding cuz she's got those "student loans" to pay off and, hey, you do have a $20 in your hand, so...
Music medium, style & volume
- jukebox here, but the only thing you'll hear is something that's been synched with the bartender's iSomething. So don't come here acting all bougie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks & dinners till 11pm on Tuesdays. This seems to be the most popular reason for people to be here, but Thursday is guest bartender night, which seems way more potentially fraught with peril and, thus, interesting.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think commenter #1 just verified everything Visceralist said in his review.