Friday, December 11, 2009


80 Lafayette Ave (corner of S. Portland)
Brooklyn, NY 11217

(718) 797-9536

Bathroom situation
- are people still saying "crunktified?" I know the term has never really been defined ( notwithstanding), but somehow it feels like it's an apt description of the bathrooms here. There's a M & W single-person set up in the middle of the bar and another unisex single-person's in the rear and around the corner. None are what you would call resplendent, but they're fully functional. Plus you could prolly get away with fucking in the back one. Visceralist is a Hugh Grant-style romantic like that. Get at me.
Takes credit cards? - naw, playboy, so be ready to pull some of your financial earnins out your left or right pocket.
Crowded on weekends?- "Two rats fuckin in a wool sock" is a regional expression (from the Fresno region) and is usually preceded by "It's as hot as..." but somehow it feels appropriate to describe how dense this shack gets in the days preceding the Sabbath. [ed. shouts out to Chanukah, btw]
Seating- despite the crowds, Moe's somehow really shines in this dept. It's a gang of tables and stools in the front section and a few couches and suchlike in the back. Watch your step getting to the back. There you go.
Neighborhood- Fort Greene! Brooklyn stand up! Brooklyn, we go hard, we go ha-ard! Where Brooklyn at! Let me clear my throat! Currently in the running for BK's coolest nabe (take that, Canarsie!). It's eclectic, but warm and fuzzy on some level. Also, marginally dangerous! Clipse were recently househunting in the hood (they took a look at Spike Lee's old Brownstone), and complained that they were likely to get mugged when they step outside. Given that they're from Virginia and presumably not totally familiar with NYC yet, they can be excused for this generalization. In any event, Fort Greene is a blessing.
Pretentious/assholes- naw, playboy. And this is another area where Moe's really shines. The asshole set is apparently too lazy to figure out how to get to this place, so most folks here are wild amiable.
Cost of Stella - $6 and it's simple as that for your simple ass.
What time people start showing up - folks tend to meander in and out throughout most of the day, but in a colloquial sense, like 10ish. [ed. you have no clue what colloquial means do you? AND you're too busy to look it up...smh]
Bartender efficiency- the tenderonies are pretty casual here, which can lead to a fair bit of eye-rolling, but they're also good-natured enough that you just, unnnnhhh, can't get mad at them.
Official Website - here. They kinda pulled a boner with this one. There's way too many flashy intro screens (more than 0 is too many) and their "Events" section is weaksauce (are people still using that...Visceralist still rocks Cross Colours so we're not really the best judge of hot slang like that).
Food? How late - naw, playboy. Get your grub on before you get the party started up in here, up in here. Slap bracelets.
TVs? What's on- nope. Oh and this is obviously moot at this point, but Jude Law was amazing in Hamlet. No wonder he's got baby-moms for days. Sucks that there isn't a Broadway bootleg dvd market like there is for the movie industry.
Guy:girl ratio - tough, but fair. That's a metaphor (shouts out to the 30 Rock pilot).
Toys- they sometimes show movies on a projector screen in the back. The last time Visceralist saw something here though it was some borderline tentacle-porn anime shit, so proceed with caution...
Age of clientele- though it kinda feels like a place that the "grown & sexy" mid-to-late-30s set would frequent, it's mostly late 20s like that.
Space for dancing? - no, and if we may digress, this clip is the business.
ID Check Procedure- it's all good, playboy. They do sometimes have a bouncer here, but if you're underage and can somehow make yourself up to look like you've been through some shit, they'll prolly be cool.
Music medium, style & volume
- they have a juke here, but more often than not it's curated by a DJ or Pandora or something.
Specials or most popular drink - Happy Hour til 7:30, 2 for 1 drinks. That'll do, pig...that'll do.

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