Thursday, March 4, 2010

Turkey's Nest Tavern

94 Bedford Ave (btw N. 11 & 12)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 384-9774

Bathroom situation
- 2 honeybuckets in the back, ostensibly 1 M and 1 F, but if we're being 1000%, then just pick one and get it how you get it, you undersmell? Yay AAAARREEEEAAAAAAAA!.
Takes credit cards? - no, but it almost feels like they're only doing this as some kind of long-term performance art project. Reality will kick in eventually, once they realize that Deitch only gives a what if you got that Yale MFA, sleepyhead. [ed. shouts out to Kehinde Wiley and his Puma-commissioned World Cup project, btw]
Crowded on weekends? - during the colder months, yes, but during the warmer months, no cuz cats mostly sneak in here, get a styrofoam cup of that good-good and keep it moving. McCarren park is right across the street, so...
Seating - a few flimsy tables in the front and the usual complement of stools at the bar...the tables are flimsy like the jackets people wear in LA in the winter. Like "Burrrrrrr....WTF is this, 50?!! OMFG....Thank god North Face makes windbreakers, phew!"
Neighborhood - near the Greenpoint/Williamsburg borderline, so residential-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - this place goes into sports-bar mode during college football/bball season, so if there are any midwesterners/southerners in WBurg during that time of year (shouts out to the Big Ten), don't be surprised if you bump into someone who will take a little spilled beer on their shirt as an actionable offense.
Cost of Stella - $6 and the clear plastic cup they serve it in comes gratis.
What time people start showing up - 'round 'bout when there's 1 or 2 fingers between the sun and the horizon, depending on the season.
Bartender efficiency - they have a couple goofballs working here (like seriously, something out of Duck Tales), but they got it where it counts. And they're plucky.
Official Website - nathan.
Food? How late -crushed ice prolly doesn't count as food, but it should be noted that they have a ton of this here.
TVs? What's on - usually something NCAA-related with some competitive 18-22 yr olds who get money under the table. Cash money, that is.
Guy:girl ratio - If you're like us here at Visceralist, you love it [ed. love it!] when people throw out stuff like "but my boyfriend was like..." in a conversation. Or like when you're reading a review of the newest Lost episode on The AV Club and all of a sudden in the middle of a paragraph you're reading stuff like "...but my wife's theory is that Jack is really the Smoke Monster, but also kind of Ben in a way, so you never know..." SMDH.
Toys - that new Buck Hunter shit that's like a Safari or some shit.
Age of clientele - can we talk about how Nicki Minaj is like 19 yrs old, but killin the rap game? Best female MC since Eve? Missy? Only thing is, her flow is like....seems like Wayne might be ghost-writing for her. Just a thought. Or...oh snap...vice versa?!
Space for dancing? - nah, but really...there's only so many ironic performances of David Brent's "duh-du-du-dunna-dunna" dance one can stand in one's Earthly lifetime.
Music medium, style & volume
- fuck, not sure....prollly Phoenix or suchlike.
Specials or most popular drink - "You know what's in my styro-foam / What? / S-Y-R-UP! / That's my car, yup. / Vrooommm..." Young Tunechi c. 2007

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