Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hotel Chantelle

92 Ludlow St. (btw Delancey & Broome)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9100

Bathroom situation
- Visceralist seems to recall that there are a M & W just to the right of the bar, but there are definitely 2 unisex units immediately to your left when you enter. Fuckin strong drinks, on some Four Loko shit [ed. see, we got references for yo' ass!]. They're all perfectly reasonable, but seem a tad flimsy for a place that's so clearly trying so hard to project that certain je ne fuckin sais quois.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but the bartender's eye-roll the other night told us loudly and clearly that they do not like having to do that thing where you put $15 on one card and the rest on another cuz you're close to your limit on the first one. Fuckers all uppity like they haven't ever used a Coinstar.
Crowded on weekends? - so, Hotel Chantelle is apparently still in the midst of a soft-opening. This, coupled with the fact that the entrance is one of those where you're like "Wait, is this a place...? I see lights, but I'm not sure if people are in there" means that it's still primarily frequented by folks who like to think that they're in-the-know. This will all change drastically once the button-down-clique catches a whiff of it, trust. So, to answer the question at hand, nope.
Seating - apparently the restaurant area of Chantelle seats upwards of 300, but that portion either isn't open to the public yet or just wasn't open to Visceralist the other night. Either way, if you have a problem finding a seat here, you. are. a. loser!
Neighborhood - if the LES has an area that's comparable to that part of Greenpoint that's just warehouses and regret, this is it. That said, it is still the fucking LES, so you know: no problem finding a cab, jakes in uniforms and out of uniforms & dried puke on the sidewalk.
Pretentious/assholes - we really shouldn't say "hell yes" based solely on the fact that this place will inevitably be a douchecunt-magnet in like a month or so...but hell yes.

Cost of Stella - no Stella here, but we'd like to take this opportunity to let y'all know that this post is officially brought to you by Four Loko, Lemonade Flavor. The first sip was a muhfuh, but it's no worse than like a strong Sparks/Smirnoff better either.
What time people start showing up - during the week...they don't. Weekends, prolly like 10-11pm. Again, this place is really easy to miss, so Visceralist's advice is to just walk south on Ludlow and once you cross Delancey, stay on the East side of the street and just keep your head turned to your left, and when you get to a set of double-doors with mock-crystal doorhandles, you're there. Don't be shy.
Bartender efficiency - not so sure about the efficiency, but dude was genuinely nice & helpful last time we were there (he'll prolly get fired when his boss reads this, though).
Official Website - nah, per the aforementioned je ne sais quois. Fuck a Twitter feed anyway [ed. that's the Loko talking.]
Food? How late - they don't have any yet, but a 5-star review on Yelp! (that's clearly written by someone connected to the "Hotel") claims "The food featured (when the kitchen opens) will be a mixture from all of the colonies France once called their own."
TVs? What's on - no, but the Hulu Plus app is only $7.99 a month now (*cough* triflin *cough), so feel free to bust that out on a date and then just sit back and let the blowjobs roll in.
Guy:girl ratio - this place isn't quite to the point yet where you have to come with at least one lady friend to get in (we said "yet!"), but despite this, it's still not a total dick facocktory.
Toys -'s dark enough and the booths provide enough cover to play with your significant other's privates under the table. People still do that, right? [ed. yeah, people who jerk off to Hoda & Kathie Lee]
Age of clientele - people old enough to be able to be able to pay for two cocktails with one credit card. So, like 40+ [ed. damn, we pay you enough now that you can come up off of WIC and still complaining...smh].
Space for dancing? - um, maybe if you know how to do the watoozie or the inka-dink. [ed. what did we tell you about those references?!]
Music medium, style & volume - if you haven't listened to Kanye's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" at least 5 times by now, then you haven't listened to music. And fuck you.
Specials or most popular drink - so, this is like a real cocktail lounge like Death & Co. or the Delmano or suchlike. Extrapolate from that what you will.

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