Thursday, August 19, 2010

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane ft. Swizz Beatz "Gucci Time"

Beat is vaguely reminiscent of Swizz' "It's Me Bitches", but they still killt's got dumb 808s and the taste of maple syrup baked right in. Gully juice.

Youtube link.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Porch

115 Ave. C (btw E. 7th & E. 8th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-1515

Bathroom situation
- 2 unisex salons on the street level. Both with surprisingly and inappropriately fancy sinks. Kinda like a chick wearing "fuck-me" boots [ed. we here at Visceralist do not condone this term...cuz it's dumb played's basically the Eat Pray Love of the footwear lexicon] to a bar in the meatpacking district and who also happens to have a great sense of humor (like, as in they appreciate the finest in British and American comedy) and an upbeat, nigh-on midwestern attitude. And does coke.
Takes credit cards? - nah, playboy. And Visceralist found out the hard way when we bought a drink for ourselves and a buddy and flashed the Buffalo Wild Wings MasterCard like "Can we start a tab?", and the bartender was like, "Whoa, whoa whoa..." More on this later.
Crowded on weekends?- Visceralist has only been here during the workaday live-long week, so not sure. Commenters?
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a few cushioned table setups in the back. Porch's other claim to fame is having a large outdoor area with only the finest in wooden seating. Seriously, they have like a gazebo and suchlike. Plus there's an upstairs area with a fireplace and its own patio...or "porch" if you will. The upstairs area is open as erratically as the Yankee Doodle was in its depressing last year tho...shame.
Neighborhood - unfortunately, NYC seems to be gettin a little bit more brolic in, yeah, you might get accosted by someone swinging a bike chain, eye-fucking you and telling you to "Say something....Say something!". Eghk. The scary-alphabet-city thing has been done, dude. What's next? Fannypacks and slap-bracelets? The fuck outta here with all that there...
Pretentious/assholes - surprisingly, not much of an issue.
Cost of Stella -$6.
What time people start showing up- mostly on the weekends, but even that seems iffy. Come on by and pull up a seat, dammit.
Bartender efficiency - ok, so as mentioned above, Visceralist is told by the bartender that they don't take credit cards. Fine. Bartender says there's an atm right behind Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist turns around and gets fucked by out-of-network ATM fees. Fine. Visceralist turns back around and hands bartender a Jackson to pay for drinks. Fine. Bartender gives someone else change and blanks on Visceralist. Fine. Visceralist points out that bartender owes him some paypa. Fine. Bartender says "You didn't give me a $20." Ain't this about a bitch. Muthafucka, you just told me to go to the ATM, ATMs only give out $20s, I just paid for this drink. The fuck you think we paid with?! Visceralist insists he did pay with a $20. Bartender relents, but eye-rolls Visceralist back into the 1800s. Sheesh. NYC Bartenders...YOU ARE NOT SACROSANCT!
Official Website - here. Their menu is a 7MB pdf. SMMFH.
Food? How late - apparently something, but Visceralist was waiting for their 7Mb pdf menu to download...and then the Sun swallowed the Earth 5 billion years later and it was still downloading, so...
TVs? What's on- well, they have karaoke on Thurs nights, so, mostly white text against a blue background.
Guy:girl ratio - can you believe Don slept with his assistant and then a week or so later she's (apparently) all good with it? Fuck. The '60s were a muhfuh.
Toys- you could prolly bounce a basketball once or twice against the wood-grain in the back without getting kicked out.
Age of clientele - Jay-Z's like 45 years old now, but he's still the coolest muhfuh in NYC, so what does that tell you?
Space for dancing? - yeah, in the back.
Music medium, style & volume- Visceralist came here on a Karaoke night recently and there was way too much Bruce & "Come On Eileen" and really, we should start a start that's just about songs that should not be done via karaoke. Or maybe a twitter...commenters?
Specials or most popular drink - if you actually get accurate change back without having to make a scene, you're way ahead of Visceralist, so....what does that tell you?

Also, we looked up the word "Profligate" on before writing this, but never found a good spot to squeeze it in. Whatever, we still want credit. Maybe it's a good adjective to describe the triflin' bartender...we don't know. Commenters?

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Review: The Game - "Brake Lights"

Since there's only 3 worthwhile songs on this mixtape, it's roughly 85% LATFWPOS. "You Are the Blood" is officially that new hot shit though, so...2 piece and the biscuit.

Get it here.