Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Best of 2010

Album: Kanye West - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"
Song: Sleigh Bells "Crown On The Ground"
Movie: Inception
TV: Breaking Bad
Book: Savages
New NYC Bar: Hotel Chantelle
Visceralist's Bathroom Experience: Cooper Square Hotel
Sports Event: The Decision
Book Review: NYTimes on Mark Twain's "Autobiography of Mark Twain: Volume 1"
Mobile App: Netflix
Art: Kehinde Wiley x 2010 World Cup
Gizmo: iPhone 4
Clothing: Reason

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Cabin Down Below

110 Avenue A (entrance on 7th btw A & B)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 614-9798

Bathroom situation
- 2 single-person units right next to the bar. There is a constant, unyielding line at all times, so as much as you may want to listen to a little bit of "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" while you're peeing, do not do because people are waiting and looking awkward.
Takes credit cards? - yeah and for some reason this place reminds Visceralist of the scene in "Dig!" where the singer from The Dandy Warhols was talking about his band's recoupment status with their label and says "We were so in the black it's not even funny." As if. Cunt. *dead*
Crowded on weekends? - fuck yeah, man.
Seating - the set up is like a restaurant, and they have these booths that are mad claustrophobic like on some "Or else it gets the hose again" shit.
Neighborhood - belly of the beast, muhfucka.
Pretentious/assholes - fuck yeah, man. Tons of singers from The Dandy Warhols here.
Cost of Stella - they're mostly about cocktails here, so don't get gas-faced asking for a beer here like some simpin'-ass hook.
What time people start showing up - as befits this spot's speakeasy facade, the cool kids wouldn't be caught dead here before 3am.
Bartender efficiency - The Cabin Down Below has an unfortunate bottle-neck problem near the bar because it's so small, but the 'tenders here are gasp! surprisingly adept at pourin' that poison.
Official Website - Visceralist is of the opinion that every place, even "speakeasies", should have some type of web-presence. But a lot of managements seem to think it helps their allure to avoid this altogether. They're wrong.
Food? How late - apparently the entrance to this place used to be through some random backdoor in a pizza place around the corner. Thank God they peace'd that pretentious bullshit.
TVs? What's on - best show of '10? Welp, Visceralist loved Boardwalk Empire, but mostly for the gangsta shit that Jimmy got into...Mad Men had their best season, true, but nothing was fucking with the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul for President.
Guy:girl ratio - it's a gang of foxxy mommas here.
Toys - they have candles here, so you can do that game that everyone knows about where you take turns pouring hot wax on your hand and see who flinches first.
Age of clientele - Visceralist will (hopefully) be 40 someday, so we really shouldn't talk shit, but...c'mon son.
Space for dancing? - This.
Music medium, style & volume - if Visceralist ever comes here not wasted up the fuck, we'll let you know.
Specials or most popular drink - $12 cocktails...I know, right?

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Thursday, December 9, 2010


40 Avenue C (btw E. 3rd & E. 4th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-1049

Bathroom situation
- 4 single-person unisex walk-in closets right to the left of the dance floor. This is an unfortunate design flaw cuz who wants to have to have to account for 1 or 2 4-person queues in the middle of the dance floor when you're prepping your Dougie, Jerk, 2-step or what-have you? Nadie, that's who.
Takes credit cards? - this place is still fairly new, so prolly not, but they do appear to have those touch-screens that have the drinks pre-loaded, so they just press a button and all of a sudden you're out that $8 cash that you were hoping would last til the end of Thursday night, or at least til 1:30 am Thursday night when your direct deposit finally hits your account.
Crowded on weekends? - so this place had a wild opening night which attracted international superstars like Matthew Broderick and Anderson Cooper's bf. Things seem to have cooled down since then, but don't be surprised if the place is nuts-to-butts on account of a Ted Danson sighting that's got Twitter going crazy. #SamMaloneInTheBuilding
Seating - Bedlam features a slightly longer-than-your-average bar, so it's a grip of stools at the bar. 4 or 5 loungey booths opposite the bar. Then there's a backroom that's completely swagged out with couches, sofas AND davenports. Get it how you live!
Neighborhood - the part of alphabet city that's still probably fine, but has become a little "ehhh, iffy" since the recession hit.
Pretentious/assholes - the cunt clique doesn't generally venture out to Avenue C too often, and when they do it's usually to "check out" Zum Schneider, NuBlu or Sunburnt Cow. Doesn't appear that they've re-upholstered Bedlam's pussy yet.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was here for the Fader new issue release party the other night and the open bar was only on bottles of Bud (no shots), so we didn't get to check its Stemperature. Next time.
What time people start showing up - so the decor here is extremely taxidermy-heavy. Reminiscent in some ways of Freeman's but like that but on coke for a few hours and can't stop talking about how much taxidermy is unfairly maligned "these days" and how they're gonna "bring it back." Eh.
Bartender efficiency - way more efficient at serving drinks than Salem is at figuring out when a song should fucking end. Like by a fucking order of magnitude.
Official Website - not yet, but we know they have it in them.
Food? How late - they have food here like Home Depot has food there. Like, you could probably eat some of the stuff in there, but...
TVs? What's on - nah, so you'll have to stick to Hulu and Netflix streaming [ed. shouts out to them getting the full LOST catalog again soon].
Guy:girl ratio - remember that Black Rob song "Whoa?" Well, it's goin' down like whoa here at Bedlam.
Toys - the backroom apparently transforms into a quasi-VIP section on the weekends, so the marachino-cherry dart game can definitely be in effect mode.
Age of clientele - young enough to be confused as to why there's a huge [ed. like way too huge] moose head jutting 5 feet out of the wall, overlooking the proceedings and going like "SMH."
Space for dancing? - yes! A dedicated dance floor just past the bar. It's pretty comfy-cozy, but if that new David Guetta is really releasing the right endorphins in your brain-box, then just go for it.
Music medium, style & volume - what Visceralist has been told is "progressive house" coming from the DJ boof.
Specials or most popular drink - RIP NYC 4Loko (2010). Pour out a sip of Sparks.

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Friday, December 3, 2010

The Narrows

1037 Flushing Ave (btw Morgan & Wilson)
Brooklyn, NY 11237

Bathroom situation
- two single-person unisex joints in arrears.
Takes credit cards? - the fuck outta here with that ol' bullshit. This. Right here. Is Bushwick.
Crowded on weekends? - The Narrows [ed. presumably] takes its name from its letter I-shaped floor plan, so there's barely enough space to do a convincing Dougie dance, so there's barely enough room for it to get too crowded.
Seating - 8 or 9 bolted-to-the-flo' stools at the bar and a small booth in the front. Plus some kind of backyard that wasn't open the last time Visceralist was there.
Neighborhood - as alluded to above, this is what could be considered the swagged-out section of only a few scary warehouses. No yellow cabs, but you already knew that.
Pretentious/assholes - certainly not as many as were in the stands last night when Lebron was roasting the Cavs so tough.
Cost of Stella - The Narrows prides itself on serving "craft beers" so asking for a Stella will get you one of them looks. You know the look. The "well why don't you call the wahmbulance" look. It's all gucci, though.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hates the phrase "drips and drabs" cuz it's not even a real phrase [ed. says the person who's still trying to coin "There it is, Elizabeth...there it is."], but it seems appropriate here.
Bartender efficiency - the specialty cocktails they serve here are somewhat involved as far as prep, but the gents here are adept enough, so it's not like the sun will explode before you get your drink, unlike at Delmano [ed. damn, shots fired].
Official Website - here. Sparse than a muhfugga.
Food? How late - Visceralist came here based on the recommendation of a bartender at the nearby Roberta's. Fun fact! Roberta's was inspired by best-pizza-in-the-US-supplier Pepe's.
TVs? What's on - Boardwalk Empire has its issues, sure, but you know you can't front on how goddamn gangsta it gets some times. You know this.
Guy:girl ratio - seemed fairly even the other night. Btw, this is some hot shit.
Toys - well, the bartender's hair looked like it was cut with some Legos, so they may have some of those in the back.
Age of clientele - the usual.
Space for dancing? - he may be is a fucking cunt, but Chris Brown does a mean Dougie [ed. FF to 2:57]
Music medium, style & volume - how the fuck did Fergie make it onto "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"? Does she really have juice like that? Cuz you know Kanye wasn't like, "Yo, you know what this fucking amazingly awesome track needs? That one chick that the label forced the Black Eyed Peas to add in order to seem more mainstream."
Specials or most popular drink - a Bud + Jameson shot or a Sol + Jalapeno Tequila shot for $6.

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