Going HAM on NBA 2K11

Black Door

127 W. 26th Street (btw 6th & 7th Aves)

New York, NY 10001
(212) 645-0215

Bathroom situation - 3 unisex in the main room and 2 unisex in the backroom. As evidenced by the photo above, Visceralist was going straight HAM in one of the backroom room-room's the other night. The bathroom bouncer saw the Heineken in our hand and was like, "Ooohhhh, from the commercial, right!?" with a big Odie grin on his face.
Takes credit cards? - sheeeeiiittt, they didn't stop taking Visceralist's credit card info!
Crowded on weekends? - crowded NYC bars are crowded.
Seating - the Black Door doesn't take reservations, so it's first come, first served. Yo, save us a spot!
Neighborhood - Visceralist had to go to the Home Depot on 23rd street to get a replacement toilet seat for Visceralist.com HQ a yearish ago. That was the first time we'd been in the Flatiron district proper. The recent trip to the Black Door was the 2nd. Unless the LES somehow folds over the city like that Paris scene in Inception, there will not be a third.
Pretentious/assholes - this ain't your daddy's average Flatiron dive bar. No, ma'am (shouts out to The King's Speech). It's more like your childhood best friend's older brother's. The one who used to chuck those Nerf footballs at you at top speed [ed. fuck that foam shit, those can still hurt] when you just came over to play some Grand Theft Auto 3 in the basement...then he still expected you to hide his 12-pack of Miller under that one blanket until their mom left. Fuck, and that's why you still won't get near any Playstation. Still.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist took one look at the bartender's ironed-shirt & bow-tie combo and figured we wouldn't be able to afford it, so we stuck with the previously aforementioned Heineken. Shit was still like $7 tho...on the strempf.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hasn't showed up at a bar before 12am since Cheney was peppering his buddies' faces with buckshot like his first name was Cayenne. Just being honest and keeping it real. Cuz that's a virtue 100% of the time.
Bartender efficiency - they know the score and they're serving for the match, bitch. Vamos Rafa!
Official Website - they don't got one but Visceralist is thinking about a redesign to make this shit a bit more HTML 5-y. Thoughts, commentariot?
Food? How late - if variety is the spice of life, they have a lot of salt & pepper here. [ed. Ok, that metaphor almost just folded in over itself like that one Paris scene in Inception...and that is not a compliment.]
TVs? What's on - Visceralist thinks we can all agree now that The Big Lebowski has been wildly overrated, but we'll be cot-damned if J. Bridges didn't murk the fuck out of True Grit. The Academy loves (loves, loves!) actors who play real people though, so he really should've played John Wayne playing that sheriff if he wanted that gold eunuch. He shot a damn snake in the face tho, so fuck it.
Guy:girl ratio - prolly equivalent to that Star Trek reboot (counting extras).
Toys - and while we're talking about J.J. Abrams, can we finally all agree that the LOST finale DVD extra postscript was just straight triflin, unnecessary bullshit?
Age of clientele - things learned from the Sex and the City oeuvre: Sex and the City's success bankrolled so many quality HBO series (looking at you, The Wire & The Comeback) that if they wanna act like 40 is the new 20, just fuckin let them have their fuckin fun.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has recently been learning the Dougie (that's some crispy new hot shit, so don't worry, you'll prolly hear about it in the next 6 months or so) and had the opportunity to show it off here recently. Blown minds were blown.
Music medium, style & volume - loud and Top 40'd to the Tippecanoe and Tyler too!
Specials or most popular drink - they'll pour your stupid ass a drink, so either get your ass in or get your ass on.

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Kevin Hart is "Chocolate Drop"

NYC Happy New Year Dance

Best of 2010

Album: Kanye West - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"
Song: Sleigh Bells "Crown On The Ground"
Movie: Inception
TV: Breaking Bad
Book: Savages
New NYC Bar: Hotel Chantelle
Visceralist's Bathroom Experience: Cooper Square Hotel
Sports Event: The Decision
Book Review: NYTimes on Mark Twain's "Autobiography of Mark Twain: Volume 1"
Mobile App: Netflix
Art: Kehinde Wiley x 2010 World Cup
Gizmo: iPhone 4
Clothing: Reason

The Cabin Down Below

110 Avenue A (entrance on 7th btw A & B)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 614-9798

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person units right next to the bar. There is a constant, unyielding line at all times, so as much as you may want to listen to a little bit of "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" while you're peeing, do not do because people are waiting and looking awkward.
Takes credit cards? - yeah and for some reason this place reminds Visceralist of the scene in "Dig!" where the singer from The Dandy Warhols was talking about his band's recoupment status with their label and says "We were so in the black it's not even funny." As if. Cunt. *dead*
Crowded on weekends? - fuck yeah, man.
Seating - the set up is like a restaurant, and they have these booths that are mad claustrophobic like on some "Or else it gets the hose again" shit.
Neighborhood - belly of the beast, muhfucka.
Pretentious/assholes - fuck yeah, man. Tons of singers from The Dandy Warhols here.
Cost of Stella - they're mostly about cocktails here, so don't get gas-faced asking for a beer here like some simpin'-ass hook.
What time people start showing up - as befits this spot's speakeasy facade, the cool kids wouldn't be caught dead here before 3am.
Bartender efficiency - The Cabin Down Below has an unfortunate bottle-neck problem near the bar because it's so small, but the 'tenders here are gasp! surprisingly adept at pourin' that poison.
Official Website - Visceralist is of the opinion that every place, even "speakeasies", should have some type of web-presence. But a lot of managements seem to think it helps their allure to avoid this altogether. They're wrong.
Food? How late - apparently the entrance to this place used to be through some random backdoor in a pizza place around the corner. Thank God they peace'd that pretentious bullshit.
TVs? What's on - best show of '10? Welp, Visceralist loved Boardwalk Empire, but mostly for the gangsta shit that Jimmy got into...Mad Men had their best season, true, but nothing was fucking with the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul for President.
Guy:girl ratio - it's a gang of foxxy mommas here.
Toys - they have candles here, so you can do that game that everyone knows about where you take turns pouring hot wax on your hand and see who flinches first.
Age of clientele - Visceralist will (hopefully) be 40 someday, so we really shouldn't talk shit, but...c'mon son.
Space for dancing? - This.
Music medium, style & volume - if Visceralist ever comes here not wasted up the fuck, we'll let you know.
Specials or most popular drink - $12 cocktails...I know, right?

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Bedlam

40 Avenue C (btw E. 3rd & E. 4th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-1049

Bathroom situation - 4 single-person unisex walk-in closets right to the left of the dance floor. This is an unfortunate design flaw cuz who wants to have to have to account for 1 or 2 4-person queues in the middle of the dance floor when you're prepping your Dougie, Jerk, 2-step or what-have you? Nadie, that's who.
Takes credit cards? - this place is still fairly new, so prolly not, but they do appear to have those touch-screens that have the drinks pre-loaded, so they just press a button and all of a sudden you're out that $8 cash that you were hoping would last til the end of Thursday night, or at least til 1:30 am Thursday night when your direct deposit finally hits your account.
Crowded on weekends? - so this place had a wild opening night which attracted international superstars like Matthew Broderick and Anderson Cooper's bf. Things seem to have cooled down since then, but don't be surprised if the place is nuts-to-butts on account of a Ted Danson sighting that's got Twitter going crazy. #SamMaloneInTheBuilding
Seating - Bedlam features a slightly longer-than-your-average bar, so it's a grip of stools at the bar. 4 or 5 loungey booths opposite the bar. Then there's a backroom that's completely swagged out with couches, sofas AND davenports. Get it how you live!
Neighborhood - the part of alphabet city that's still probably fine, but has become a little "ehhh, iffy" since the recession hit.
Pretentious/assholes - the cunt clique doesn't generally venture out to Avenue C too often, and when they do it's usually to "check out" Zum Schneider, NuBlu or Sunburnt Cow. Doesn't appear that they've re-upholstered Bedlam's pussy yet.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was here for the Fader new issue release party the other night and the open bar was only on bottles of Bud (no shots), so we didn't get to check its Stemperature. Next time.
What time people start showing up - so the decor here is extremely taxidermy-heavy. Reminiscent in some ways of Freeman's but like that but on coke for a few hours and can't stop talking about how much taxidermy is unfairly maligned "these days" and how they're gonna "bring it back." Eh.
Bartender efficiency - way more efficient at serving drinks than Salem is at figuring out when a song should fucking end. Like by a fucking order of magnitude.
Official Website - not yet, but we know they have it in them.
Food? How late - they have food here like Home Depot has food there. Like, you could probably eat some of the stuff in there, but...
TVs? What's on - nah, so you'll have to stick to Hulu and Netflix streaming [ed. shouts out to them getting the full LOST catalog again soon].
Guy:girl ratio - remember that Black Rob song "Whoa?" Well, it's goin' down like whoa here at Bedlam.
Toys - the backroom apparently transforms into a quasi-VIP section on the weekends, so the marachino-cherry dart game can definitely be in effect mode.
Age of clientele - young enough to be confused as to why there's a huge [ed. like way too huge] moose head jutting 5 feet out of the wall, overlooking the proceedings and going like "SMH."
Space for dancing? - yes! A dedicated dance floor just past the bar. It's pretty comfy-cozy, but if that new David Guetta is really releasing the right endorphins in your brain-box, then just go for it.
Music medium, style & volume - what Visceralist has been told is "progressive house" coming from the DJ boof.
Specials or most popular drink - RIP NYC 4Loko (2010). Pour out a sip of Sparks.

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The Narrows

1037 Flushing Ave (btw Morgan & Wilson)

Brooklyn, NY 11237
(ONO) YOU-DINT

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex joints in arrears.
Takes credit cards? - the fuck outta here with that ol' bullshit. This. Right here. Is Bushwick.
Crowded on weekends? - The Narrows [ed. presumably] takes its name from its letter I-shaped floor plan, so there's barely enough space to do a convincing Dougie dance, so there's barely enough room for it to get too crowded.
Seating - 8 or 9 bolted-to-the-flo' stools at the bar and a small booth in the front. Plus some kind of backyard that wasn't open the last time Visceralist was there.
Neighborhood - as alluded to above, this is what could be considered the swagged-out section of Bushwick....so only a few scary warehouses. No yellow cabs, but you already knew that.
Pretentious/assholes - certainly not as many as were in the stands last night when Lebron was roasting the Cavs so tough.
Cost of Stella - The Narrows prides itself on serving "craft beers" so asking for a Stella will get you one of them looks. You know the look. The "well why don't you call the wahmbulance" look. It's all gucci, though.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist hates the phrase "drips and drabs" cuz it's not even a real phrase [ed. says the person who's still trying to coin "There it is, Elizabeth...there it is."], but it seems appropriate here.
Bartender efficiency - the specialty cocktails they serve here are somewhat involved as far as prep, but the gents here are adept enough, so it's not like the sun will explode before you get your drink, unlike at Delmano [ed. damn, shots fired].
Official Website - here. Sparse than a muhfugga.
Food? How late - Visceralist came here based on the recommendation of a bartender at the nearby Roberta's. Fun fact! Roberta's was inspired by best-pizza-in-the-US-supplier Pepe's.
TVs? What's on - Boardwalk Empire has its issues, sure, but you know you can't front on how goddamn gangsta it gets some times. You know this.
Guy:girl ratio - seemed fairly even the other night. Btw, this is some hot shit.
Toys - well, the bartender's hair looked like it was cut with some Legos, so they may have some of those in the back.
Age of clientele - the usual.
Space for dancing? - he may be is a fucking cunt, but Chris Brown does a mean Dougie [ed. FF to 2:57]
Music medium, style & volume - how the fuck did Fergie make it onto "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"? Does she really have juice like that? Cuz you know Kanye wasn't like, "Yo, you know what this fucking amazingly awesome track needs? That one chick that the label forced the Black Eyed Peas to add in order to seem more mainstream."
Specials or most popular drink - a Bud + Jameson shot or a Sol + Jalapeno Tequila shot for $6.

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