Visceralist Review: The Weeknd - "House of Balloons"

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Terminal 5

610 W. 56th Street (btw 11th & 12th Aves)

New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-6600

Bathroom situation - T5 is a fucking cavernous architectural abomination and, when we deign tip a toe inside, we here at Visceralist tend to spend our time on the 3rd floor balcony area. As such, most of this review will be told from that perspective. We could probably devote an entry each to each of the 3 levels, but that much flattery would make T5 think we actually like it when, really, we just put up with it cuz it likes some of the same bands we like and is the only game in town some nights. Anyway, the bathroom set up on the top level is actually pretty fucking perfect. There are roughly 10 single-person units in a row against the stage-side wall and there's an attendant there to keep things nice and orderly, thus preventing all those line-jumping fucks from taking advantage of you cuz they "really gotta go." Downside is that they only let one person in at a time...unless you show that tip basket some love after your first trip. [ed. Christ, this prose is already an editorial WMD...did you learn nothing at all from the "The Wire" season 5 marathon we did this weekend?]. Plus each bathroom is lit in Blue Valentine "Future Room" neon blue.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, each bar has those touchscreens with the green squares that each correspond to a different drink (right?). So, if you feel like yelling your complicated last name into the bartender's ear over the din of distorted bass reverberating around the airspace of this converted Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Annex (true story), then you go right ahead and leave that Discover card open for the night.
Crowded on weekends? - depends...did they move the show your going to see to T5 from Webster Hall or from Radio City (yep, shots fired at you CWK! Congratulations...you will always be forgotten).
Seating - a few booths and tables against the walls on the 2nd and 3rd floors, but you best believe that once Blonde Redhead or Miike Snow hits the stage, they'll be emptier than the seats at a Miami Heat home game 10 mins into the first quarter.
Neighborhood - in the frozen hinterlands of Hell's Kitchen and, quite frankly, a little too close to the Hudson for comfort. However, savvy cabbies generally know when there are shows and when they let out (12ish due to union rules, apparently), so if you don't mind waiting, you'll be able to get one. But still...muthafuck the west side!
Pretentious/assholes - shouts out to Bowery Presents, cuz they do do a good bit of business most times, but T5 is still the west side, so...
Cost of Stella - $6, plus the standard plastic cup service charges...so, $8 plus tip.
What time people start showing up - well, Visceralist showed up to the recent Girl Talk show at like 10:18ish, and it was already going down like nitro, so...
Bartender efficiency - terrible, but, to be fair, they do get a lot of Palins in there who are like "I want a cosmo....and Jeff wants two Heinekens...Jeff! Heinekens, right?! How many? Oh wait, ok, so Jeff wanted two, but Marcus wanted one too...so 3 Heinekens...and 2 cosmos."
Official Website - here. It's part of the Bowery Presents family of sites, which are intuitively laid-out, efficient and perfunctory.
Food? How late - Visceralist found out the hard way today that there is a distinct difference between Boar's Head's Gruyere and their French Gruyere. First commenter who can guess which we prefer gets 50 Visceralist bucks!
TVs? What's on - how is it that Rockwood is like the only NYC venue that has flatscreens that actually broadcast what's happening on stage to other parts of the venue?
Guy:girl ratio - probably depends on the show. The recent Downtown Records showcase was predictably dick-heavy, but the Girl Talk show was more favorably babe-heavy.
Toys - if Yelp comments are to be believed, the bouncers here ain't known for their guff-tolerance, so toying with their emotions is a do not do.
Age of clientele - again, will depend on which side of the career-trajectory bell curve the headliner is currently enjoying.
Space for dancing? - commenters, any guesses on what will supplant the Dougie as the new hot dance shit now that the LA Times has run a drive-by on it?
Music medium, style & volume - T5's acoustics catch a lot of flack from a lot of would-be audiophiles, but really, most people can't tell the difference between 128k and 320k bitrates, so fuck them and their Super Audio CDs.
Specials or most popular drink - "Oh, you're out of Heineken? Then why is that plastic cup turned over on the Heineken tap? Oh, that means you're out? Huh...Jeff! They're out of Heineken! Ok, well what do you have that's like Heineken?"

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The Crowd at Girl Talk at T5 2/24/11

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Woods

48 S. 4th St. (btw Kent & Wythe Aves)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-4955

Bathroom situation - 4 single-person utility closets secluded just around the corner the middle of the bar. Usually a line, but it usually moves faster than that line when you're running late and the thought of that McDonald's steak & egg bagel is hitting all the right buttons. Fuck!
Takes credit cards? - yes, if you don't mind your card being lost so hard that it's primary concern becomes "Why the fuck is there a polar bear on this island!?"
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, and this is why The Woods catches so much flackjackets. Fridays & Saturdays are a fucking ancient Mesopotamian market place on Black Friday, but still. So there's that. Ok. So we know this. Um. How bout there are other days in the week tho? God.
Seating - stools at the bar and booths against the wall, but this place has never really been about that. If you really can't stomach standing up the entire time you spend here, thinking up reasons not to talk to that cute chick/dude over there, then you deserve all the grumpies that come in the box you just bought.
Neighborhood - yeah, so this place abutts the East River like it's trying to make rent, but still. It ain't thaaaat far from the Bedford L. Still, no cabs 'round here, so make sure you didn't come to that party here with those "sort of" friends who might leave your desperate ass.
Pretentious/assholes - if you're at a spot on a damn Saturday night and there isn't anyone there who sounds like a walking/talking Hipster Runoff...then you ain't anywhere.
Cost of Stella - unfortunately, Visceralist was too aggy to really get into this last time we were here, but it's prolly like $5-6. [ed. that's technically not libelous because he's an idiot]
What time people start showing up - "Called up the homeys and I'm asking y'all / Which court, are y'all playin basketball?" - O'shea Jackson c' 1996.
Bartender efficiency - the interior of this place is more spacious than those UFOs that helped build the pyramids (both Egyptian and Mayan), so the bartenders (usually 2 at a time) are facing significant challenges every night, but they still keep shit moving like a lactose-intolerant Packers fan's lower intestine after 2/6/11.
Official Website - they ain't got that...you can check Google to double-check Visceralist cuz you don't trust us, but please double back when you realize that we're right. We love being right.
Food? How late - you can get some tacos out back when it's nice and warm. None of that was a euphemism.
TVs? What's on - unless TV is some new kind of STD that only the cool kids are getting....
Guy:girl ratio - if you're worried about this, you're most likely reading this from a place where it won't matter cuz you won't go to The Woods and you'll never know The Woods...so stay the fuck out of The Woods (shouts out to Treach & Co.)
Toys - presumably, if they were ever to hold a wedding reception here, they could do that thing where the awkward lanky dude dances ironically to "Come On Eileen" and then everyone else could make fun of how happy he seems. But that's a big if.
Age of clientele - well, the guy's are old enough to where they're used to saying "...so is that a 'no'?"
Space for dancing? - oh yes they did do it.
Music medium, style & volume - you've heard of Muse, right?
Specials or most popular drink - you can upgrade the traditional $5 beer+shot to top-shelf for an additional dollar. Eh?

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