Midway Bar

272 Grand St. (btw Roebling & Havemayer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-1969

Bathroom situation - 2 unisexes in the back and to the left. Pro tip: if you get super pee-shy cuz you know someone's outside, waiting on you to finish (and prolly talking shit about you on Twitter like "God damn, this idiot better not be taking a shit in there. #ruiningitforeveryone"), it can help to idly check Facebook on your smart phone or game out a few different basketball offensive plays in your head....there we go...
Takes credit cards? - yes, and btw, shouts out to getting Visa gift cards in the mail for your bday. #momsarethebest
Crowded on weekends? - so this place opened only a couple months ago and has pretty poor signage and Hipster Runoff hasn't yet come across any photos of any 'relevant' scenesters here to make fun of, so it should be fine for a while.
Seating - they have a pool table you could prolly lean up on...and also a bunch of bar stools and seats and all that normal bar shit that everyone knows about.
Neighborhood - literally on the border between North & South Wburg. Yellow cabs roll through the area often enough that hailing one can be harder than ripping open a condom wrapper, but definitely easier than putting one on properly. #fuckthisshit
Pretentious/assholes - since Trump has had a monopoly on this characteristic in NYC over the past few weeks and he'd prolly fly into a tasmanian devil-like frenzy of pearl-clutching at the mere suggestion that he set foot in here, there shouldn't be anything to worry about for a while.
Cost of Stella - commenters, remind us to steal one of those Stella-branded glasses next time we come across one, cuz we want one that we can keep at Visceralist HQ that we can adore and fuck and brag about. #stellasaprettybitch
What time people start showing up - late, because this place is prolly catching a lot of the nearby Clem's overflow.
Bartender efficiency - one of Visceralist's buddies recently got one of the bartender's phone numbers, which seemed like quite the coup at the time, but then kinda just went nowhere. #lackadaisical
Official Website - not yet, you guys. Granted, they're pretty new, but there's still no excuse for just not having a web presence at this point.
Food? How late - uff da, those "Texas-style BBQ Ribs" they had in the cafeteria here at Visceralist HQ today have been throwing a tantrum in our digestive system all afternoon. #andthataintcute
TVs? What's on - nope. Btw, commenters, is Treme any good? Worth investing in? We already got "Game of Thrones" and "The Killing" locked in and are pretty busy otherwise, so just wondering if we should bother cutting out showering/shaving to make time for it. #behonest
Guy:girl ratio - the decor here is similar enough to the nearby Turkey's Nest, so just think about the last time you were there and extrapolate accordingly.
Toys - so, is Trumps hair just an insanely extensive comb-over or (even worse?) a piece designed to look like a terrible comb-over? God, just imagine what kind of a mess he looks like getting out of the pool. Or don't.
Age of clientele - wait, what's the new 30? Is it 50 now? So what is 30? The new 18? What's that? Why are we asking? Don't worry about our lives, that's why.
Space for dancing? - don't you even dare.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a jukebox cuz they know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they're a thing that people still like.
Specials or most popular drink - Serious, you gotta remind us about that Stella glass thing. Leave a message in the comments with your email and we'll give you our mobile details.

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Donnybrook

35 Clinton St. (corner of Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-7733

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person units in the downstairs and they are wet! "Wet" meaning the DMV slang that was a '07-'09 a stand-in for "tight", "ill", "swag", etc...so, not like the floors are covered in piss & snot or anything (what up, Cherry Tavern!).
Takes credit cards? - this is the kind of place where you should really know your credit score before throwing down a credit card, trying to look like a pre-'08 Madoff (or a post-Gwen Gavin) in order to impress a young such and such. Shit will catch up with you like a muh....but yeah, they take cards.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist was here at like 3am on a recent Friday night and it was kinda dead, but there was still the usual contingent of drunk high-heels dancing with each other and drunker townies [ed. not sure if that term works in NYC] trying to meet people outside if they were discouraged from grinding on said ladies. Tracie Egan, care to chime in here? [ed. in the comments would be great.]
Seating - 8 stools at the bar, 2 of those high tables you have to use stools at against the East window, and 3 or 4 long tables against the other windows. No joke here, so will just use this space to give some dap to The Weeknd. Fucking amazing debut mixtape. Industry bidding war is a given. Not giving any interviews (swag). Mark this date, Visceralist is officially calling this one.
Neighborhood - Clinton street is just as swanky as its (presumed) namesake, one William J. It has WD-50 and that one Bakery place that no one can ever get into.
Pretentious/assholes - yikes, this one's a tough call. Sure there's a fair number of folk who'll spend the night talking your ear off about that one bitch in their improv class that's just, really, no really, delusional. Ugh.
Cost of Stella - the standard $VI.
What time people start showing up - this place has flat-screens that show sports (Bulls FTW '11, write that down!), so like 8ish.
Bartender efficiency - so, Donnybrook is run by the same awesome folk that run Lucky Jacks.
Official Website - here. Flashin' like a muhfuh, but still totally effective.
Food? How late - fairly spartan, and loaded up with Irish stereotypes, but haven't seen any gas-faces here, so...
TVs? What's on - yes, hopefully showing D-Rose and the Rosetta Stones winning the Championship this year.
Guy:girl ratio - what's up with that one scene in "The 40-Year Old Virgin" where the crew of guys goes to a club and all of them score? Who is that helping? Tracie, chime in here again, please.
Toys - a surprisingly ample dance floor. Whatever happened to people using "The Watoosie" as a joke punchline, btw? So much comedic potential, kids, let's bring this one back. Tracie...
Age of clientele - people just a bit too old to have heard of The Weeknd (at least, as of today), but not too old to appreciate him if it comes on over the speakers.
Space for dancing? - minimal dance area near the bar on the weeknds.
Music medium, style & volume - Fuck, The Weeknd has seriously just sneaked in the best thing out of anything since Kanye's "MBDTF"..."Blue Valentine" notwithstanding.
Specials or most popular drink - they have a $12 cocktail menu that includes Caipirinhas...which is, like, the proverbial.

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Visceralist Review: The Weeknd - "House of Balloons"

Look at this fucking dope piece of hot shit. Free download here.

Terminal 5

610 W. 56th Street (btw 11th & 12th Aves)

New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-6600

Bathroom situation - T5 is a fucking cavernous architectural abomination and, when we deign tip a toe inside, we here at Visceralist tend to spend our time on the 3rd floor balcony area. As such, most of this review will be told from that perspective. We could probably devote an entry each to each of the 3 levels, but that much flattery would make T5 think we actually like it when, really, we just put up with it cuz it likes some of the same bands we like and is the only game in town some nights. Anyway, the bathroom set up on the top level is actually pretty fucking perfect. There are roughly 10 single-person units in a row against the stage-side wall and there's an attendant there to keep things nice and orderly, thus preventing all those line-jumping fucks from taking advantage of you cuz they "really gotta go." Downside is that they only let one person in at a time...unless you show that tip basket some love after your first trip. [ed. Christ, this prose is already an editorial WMD...did you learn nothing at all from the "The Wire" season 5 marathon we did this weekend?]. Plus each bathroom is lit in Blue Valentine "Future Room" neon blue.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, each bar has those touchscreens with the green squares that each correspond to a different drink (right?). So, if you feel like yelling your complicated last name into the bartender's ear over the din of distorted bass reverberating around the airspace of this converted Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Annex (true story), then you go right ahead and leave that Discover card open for the night.
Crowded on weekends? - depends...did they move the show your going to see to T5 from Webster Hall or from Radio City (yep, shots fired at you CWK! Congratulations...you will always be forgotten).
Seating - a few booths and tables against the walls on the 2nd and 3rd floors, but you best believe that once Blonde Redhead or Miike Snow hits the stage, they'll be emptier than the seats at a Miami Heat home game 10 mins into the first quarter.
Neighborhood - in the frozen hinterlands of Hell's Kitchen and, quite frankly, a little too close to the Hudson for comfort. However, savvy cabbies generally know when there are shows and when they let out (12ish due to union rules, apparently), so if you don't mind waiting, you'll be able to get one. But still...muthafuck the west side!
Pretentious/assholes - shouts out to Bowery Presents, cuz they do do a good bit of business most times, but T5 is still the west side, so...
Cost of Stella - $6, plus the standard plastic cup service charges...so, $8 plus tip.
What time people start showing up - well, Visceralist showed up to the recent Girl Talk show at like 10:18ish, and it was already going down like nitro, so...
Bartender efficiency - terrible, but, to be fair, they do get a lot of Palins in there who are like "I want a cosmo....and Jeff wants two Heinekens...Jeff! Heinekens, right?! How many? Oh wait, ok, so Jeff wanted two, but Marcus wanted one too...so 3 Heinekens...and 2 cosmos."
Official Website - here. It's part of the Bowery Presents family of sites, which are intuitively laid-out, efficient and perfunctory.
Food? How late - Visceralist found out the hard way today that there is a distinct difference between Boar's Head's Gruyere and their French Gruyere. First commenter who can guess which we prefer gets 50 Visceralist bucks!
TVs? What's on - how is it that Rockwood is like the only NYC venue that has flatscreens that actually broadcast what's happening on stage to other parts of the venue?
Guy:girl ratio - probably depends on the show. The recent Downtown Records showcase was predictably dick-heavy, but the Girl Talk show was more favorably babe-heavy.
Toys - if Yelp comments are to be believed, the bouncers here ain't known for their guff-tolerance, so toying with their emotions is a do not do.
Age of clientele - again, will depend on which side of the career-trajectory bell curve the headliner is currently enjoying.
Space for dancing? - commenters, any guesses on what will supplant the Dougie as the new hot dance shit now that the LA Times has run a drive-by on it?
Music medium, style & volume - T5's acoustics catch a lot of flack from a lot of would-be audiophiles, but really, most people can't tell the difference between 128k and 320k bitrates, so fuck them and their Super Audio CDs.
Specials or most popular drink - "Oh, you're out of Heineken? Then why is that plastic cup turned over on the Heineken tap? Oh, that means you're out? Huh...Jeff! They're out of Heineken! Ok, well what do you have that's like Heineken?"

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You Gotta Know What a Crumpet Is to Play Cricket

GDP - Neural Circuitry

The Crowd at Girl Talk at T5 2/24/11

Happy Valentine's Day!