Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Lolita Bar

266 Broome St. (btw Allen & Orchard)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 966-7223

Bathroom situation
- here's the thing...generally Visceralist will totally take a stinky shizznit on a joint that only has one unisex bathroom in the back. And that sort of holds true here (we'll get to that below). Thing is, they have 2 more bathrooms downstairs, but the downstairs is only open on the weekend and for private parties. The one saving grace here, is that there's somehow never really a long line for the main bathroom. It's one of those things Visceralist will never understand, but is consistently amazed Andre 3000's dance at the 2:13 mark in this vid, or why an 808 kick is so fuckin rad.
Takes credit cards? - Naw (front much?).
Crowded on weekends? - oooh child...downright inhospitable fri + sat unfortunately.
Seating - 8ish stools at the bar, 3 tables in front and a non-dearth of cushiony booths & tables in the back. Like most places in this excreable neighborhood, you'll be 'k during the week and standing on the weekend. Bam.
Neighborhood - the lower intestine of the LES, but still chill.
Type of crowd - Jamie Foxx sometimes uses the expression "she got a gang of dumps" to describe women who are well endowed below the hip-line. There's generally a gang of chicks here, but he would not use the above term to describe n'air one of them.
Pretentious/assholes - boy howdy.
Cost of Stella - $6...Visceralist wonders what it costs in the Midwest these days. Red-staters, chime in.
What time people start showing up - 808'o'clock.
Bartender efficiency - here's where Visceralist really has to come with the tsk-tsk language. These mugs have one small bar space with 2 'tenders doing the best they can. Not suggesting you sneak in YOB, but one will notice.
Official Website - here. Perhaps a wee bit too streamlined. Where's the personality, Lolita?
Food? How late - remember that Far Side "Cat Fud" cartoon? That was funnier than this whole blog. [ed. the fuck?]
TVs? What's on - "no, no, no" - Amy Winehouse.
Guy/girl ratio - 50/50.
Toys - the downstairs area has a real suburban rec center vibe to it, but sadly no red dodgeball balls.
Age of clientele - if there's a joke here, Visceralist is gonna ignore it cuz we're better than that. Spread the word.
Space for dancing - um, this is really more of a "hey, remember that time sophomore year..." type place.
D├ęcor - suprisingly classy, yet still retains some LES cool. Good place to take a chick when you're trying to subtley convince her you're into types of music that you're really not into. Like Justice (blyeah!).
Grimeyness - if this place ever had the lights all the way up, they'd prolly never pass a health inspection...but they don't.
ID check procedure - Frustratingly thorough.
Hood specificity - Visceralist should really fold this category into the "Neighborhood" one...
Music medium, style & volume - DJ on the weekends usually spinning 90s brit-rock. No complaints here.
Specials or most popular drink - their signature drink "The Lolita" contains Raspberry vodka, triple sec, lime juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, cherry, and lime wedge. Visceralist has tried this while completely oblivious to the idea it might be considered effeminate (word to Frost/Nixon).

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