Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Boss Tweed's

115 Essex St (btw Delancey & Rivington)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 475-9997

Bathroom situation
- 2 in the back, fyi, this place is set up in a similar fashion to d.b.a. except with much more dumbass ephemera. The restrooms are mostly inoffensive tho.
Takes credit cards? - Hell yeah. Shit yeah.
Crowded on weekends? - hoo boy. There will be dry-humping.
Seating - a gang of stools here, but good luck with all that. Between the laid-off truckers and the down-low dry-humpers here, you'll be lucky to get standing-upright room. Errrah!
Neighborhood - Next door to a municipal parking lot. Reasonable rates. Plus a 24-hour McDonald's fast-food style eating establishment restaurant calories. Warning, after 2am, the service there (McDs) gets mad brokeass.
Type of crowd - pssh, cunts and the women they surprisingly successfully attract.
Pretentious/assholes - this place has beer pong. Regularly. Visceralist frowns (cuz we're jealous).
Cost of Stella - presumably $6, but they're often "out of it."
What time people start showing up - scum o'clock, usually.
Bartender efficiency - possibly the one highlight. These mugs know how to get a muhfuh muthafuckin drunk.
Official Website - here. Barebones, straightforward and easy to navigate. Finished it!
Food? How late - maraschino cherries don't count. FYI, they don't have these here.
TVs? What's on - sports. Which brings us to a good point, if you say you don't like any sports, you are the worst. Study human history, you motherfucker. Everyone's always loved some kind of sport. You are NOT an outlier.
Guy/girl ratio - 80/20 and the women who do come here are likely just humoring some dude for some reason.
Toys - here's where Tweed's really excels. Multiple beer pong tables (FTW?), touch screen cabinet (he said cabinet?), Red Bull fridge, pool table, dice games going on in the back (Snot Boogie, what up!), betting on the games on the 5 flat screens, and general shit-talkin. Bam.
Age of clientele - if we're being honest, 30+. But at least they know what they want from a relationship at that age.
Space for dancing - not really the kind of place for pelvis gesticulation and suchlike.
D├ęcor - you know that show Frasier? This is like the kind of place their gimped-up dad would like if he were in his lucid 30s.
Grimeyness - tolerable for all sets.
ID check procedure - Hysterical.
Hood specificity - The forgotten part of the LES. And next door to a porno video rental place that's somehow still in business.
Music medium, style & volume - Wild lame. They have an mp3 juke here, but it's generally ignored, so the songs come from, presumably, the neighbor upstairs. The neighbor upstairs is disgruntled that Kings of Leon never made it in the US.
Specials or most popular drink - everyday specials (all day): $3 Bud & Bud Lite pints, $4 Natural Lite double-cans (um?), $10 Bud and Bud Lite pitchers, $5 shot (unspecified) and a beer.

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