Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sweet Paradise

14 Orchard Street (btw Hester & Canal)
New York, NY 10002

Bathroom situation - used to have 3 in the back, but they recently turned one into an employees-only or some shit (the fuck?). The two remaining ones are ok if this was a straight-up dive bar...wild ghetto if this was a nouveaux LES gastropub (we're looking at you Allen & Delancey...with your triflin ass). Unfortunately, not much room to get with your bus' it baby.
Takes credit cards? - one of the few places that actually prides itself on not taking credit cards. Like seriously...expect to get smirked at if you ask.
Crowded on weekends? - hit or miss...alternates night to night from Cavs home-game capacity crowd to Rick Ross CD-signing.
Seating - 10ish stools at the bizzozero...5 booths in the back that seat about 5-6-7 each. Space for about 6 in each bathroom line (no seats tho).
Neighborhood - Visceralist wants to say LES, but really this is firmly within the confines of Chinatown. Plenty of new condos sprouting up in this part of Orchard St. tho so, you know...bus' it baby.
Type of crowd - the midly interesting mixed with the occasional hipster bachelorette party.
Pretentious/assholes - luckily, thanks to the spacially-enforced convivialty, not much of an issue. Plus, folks have been known to meet their next bus' it baby in the bathroom line.
Cost of Stella - don't have it here so Visceralist usually sneaks it in. Winter isn't an issue cuz our baller-ass coat with the fur trim on the hood has deep pockets. Summer, we use 3 flasks that we tie to our belt with rubberbands and hide under our shorts.
What time people start showing up - late than a mug...12ish? Again, it's hit or miss here so if you turn your back for a sec you might turn back around and have some sweaty slob's chest pressing into your shoulders trying to ask if he can use a credit card here. Or not.
Bartender efficiency - usually have 2-3 mad trife bartenders here who are actually good at their jobs. And they're assholes. As long as you don't make any special requests (like "can y'all stock some damn Stella out this bitch?"), you'll be fine.
Official Website - here. Far and away Visceralist's favorite NYC bar website. We love us some minimalism. Plus they have a list of all the albums on their jukebox (who the hell does that?).
Food? How late - yes, bizzarely, an assortment of movie candies. Not just for display.
TVs? What's on - nope. Focus on actually paying attention to your bus' it baby instead.
Guy:girl ratio - roughly 50:50. Guys take note, however, that any chicks here will likely be in a group of 4+. Meaning they WILL be talking about your receding hairline and how it likely means that your dick is the size/shape of a damn Tylenol gelcap. It's all good tho.
Toys - Jukebox kinda counts.
Age of clientele - those who think Justin Timberlake is the best SNL host - those who think Christopher Walken is. (fyi, the real answer is it's a tie between Jamie Foxx, Ray Romano & Steve Buscemi)
Space for dancing? - they actually have DJs here sometimes, but fuck no.
D├ęcor - everything's black, but not goth-y black.
Grimeyness - as long as your bus' it baby doesn't mind, who gives a what what.
ID check procedure - surprisingly rigid. Don't roll up in here like it's that bullshit gas station where you had to slide the money under the thing and they didn't card (shout out to Duke's on High St. in Columbus).
Music medium, style & volume
- jukebox, but Visceralist has a sneaking suspicion that they really pump the bartenders' ipods more often than not. Btw, we checked, they don't have Plies' "Bus' it Baby Part 2 feat. Ne-yo"
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour daily til 10pm, but it's the bullshit. Cream Ale? Really? That's what's hot?

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