Thursday, June 24, 2010

200 Orchard

200 Orchard St. (btw Houston & Stanton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7000

Bathroom situation
- two unisex minty-fresh WCs in the way back. They're actually kinda waka flocka you might look around and feel uncomfortable cuz you're not used to having that much room to stretch and yaw back and forth. Welcome to the new NoLES, playboy!
Takes credit cards? - yes, but only plastic ones with embossed numbers on the front...and you gotta have your signature on the back. Of it. The credit card, that is. [ed. Visceralist's editor will be out of the office with limited access to email til later. If you have any complaints about Visceralist's trife-blogging in the interim, kill yoself.]
Crowded on weekends? - nah, right? This spot has slightly more space than it knows what to do with, so there's lots of room to walk around without getting fondled on the low-low by someone whose mom really did teach them better.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, a big ol' booth in the front room and 3 tables in the back part. Most of the stools at the bar are usually occupied, so if you're in the habit of going to bars not by yourself (what? like you never...), your best bet is the tables in the back. They're the kind that have high-chairs.
Neighborhood - across the street from racist-ass American Apparel, but don't hold that against 200. Pomades is a must.
Pretentious/assholes - A bunch of folk who look like they might, but you know they won't. 'evs. 'ver it.
Cost of Stella -$6 and served in a proper Stella glass like in those commercials they only show in the US during the World Cup (how bout that team USA, btw, eh? Eh?).
What time people start showing up - like Nevuary. Nobody rilly comes here. Like if they did a pie-chart of this place's crowd it would be a circle that's 100% filled in with one color, let's say red, and in the Legend for the pie chart it would tell you that red represents Nobody.
Bartender efficiency - two dudes working the bar last time Visceralist was here and we didn't have any complaints. Meh'vs.
Official Website - here. Web 2.0 compatible, but otherwise pretty basic. Which Visceralist excitedly and lucidly approves of, FWIWorth.
Food? How late - if this place has any gimmick, it's their $8 paninis. Visceralist didn't try one cuz the "kitchen" consists of a shelf with a cutting board and a panini grill right next to the bar (like right where everyone walks by it like). No shots, but Visceralist likes a little mystery in our food-prep, to be honest.
TVs? What's on - yeah, one big projector'd up screen right above the booth in the front and two smaller flatscreens above the bar. MLB was on last time Visceralist was there, which....eghk. All we're saying (other than the obvious shit like Baseball's boring like waiting on herpes test results....cuz, trust, you got it) is that any sport where you can play two full games in a row (this double-header business) is not the kind of sport that Visceralist can co-sign. You know what other sports do double and triple headers? Frisbee golf, pool at a bar, Tic-Tac-Toe, jerkin off last night...psshaw.
Guy:girl ratio - 60/40...Visceralist actually counted last time he was here, so take that.
Toys - you could prolly dance up on the tables in the back, like they do in the movie Coyote Ugly, which is a lot like they do at the actual Coyote Ugly (ugh, shiver just went down Visceralist's spinal regions).
Age of clientele - old enough to remember when The Simpsons was good (shots definitely fired).
Space for dancing? - fuckin hell, yeah. Plenty of room to jerk, juke, Dougie, do the wop, etc, etc.
Music medium, style & volume - yeah, bartender's iPhone (risky, playboy) was playing Motown's Greatest Hits for a while. Btw, Gucci just said he makes love to his money like Ray J & Kim K on some song on his new mixtape Mr. Zone 6. FTFW.
Specials or most popular drink - nathan to speak of, but they do serve food til 3:30 which is something of a rarity 'round these here parts.

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