Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chloe Redux

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-0067
Now that Visceralist has actually been to Chloe, we thought it only fair that we write a slightly more accurate review than this one. Enjoy this!

Bathroom situation
- two unisex units just past the bar (1 M, 1 F). They're about as tiny as David Geffen's hopes of getting Lebron to play for the Clippers, but certainly serviceable. Fancy faucets plus the paper towels are laying in stacks on the counter next to the sink...which, if this spot and Death & Company are to be believed, is "classy." No real complaints here, honestly.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $30 min. So, if you plan on having more than 2 drinks, you'll likely make it.
Crowded on weekends? - damn, playboy. Fuck what you heard, they keep this place sparse and downright dearthy. When Visceralist came here with a friend for said friend's bday party, we were stopped by the bouncer at the door and told to wait to the left after we gave the right name. Said bouncer then patched into his earpiece Matrix-style and spake thusly (ver batim), "Yeah, two guys here for xyz's party. Both wearing t-shirts and jeans. Yeah, they look arright. Two minutes? Ok..." Then, to us, "OK, guys, just a minute...and you'll have to take off the baseball cap, Visceralist." Roughly 2 minutes later, Visceralist and co. were eye-rolling our way up in that ho.
Seating - 4 or 5 stools at the bar, but a gang of booth area. This place is actually compact than a muh, but as we've discussed, the door policy is mad triflin', so there's usually no problem finding a cushioned something-or-other somewhere.
Neighborhood - the SoDe section of Ludlow has allegedly been on the come-up for a while now, but Visceralist still doesn't see anything but a few patches of blue water in a sea of BP. [ed. lucky for you, that reference will probably age well.]
Pretentious/assholes - granted, the bday girl throwing the party here the other night moved to NYC from the Mountain Time Zone but a few months ago, and so probably didn't know any better when choosing this place...but still and all, Visceralist managed to have some half-decent conversations and didn't encounter anyone in the line for the men's room talking about "Texas Rules." So, urrm...shit, this review is already emotionally draining...
Cost of Stella -Stella is actually one of the 2 or 3 beers on tap here. Still, they managed to trife it up. She was served in an 8 oz glass for $8...FSMFH.
What time people start showing up - this is the thing about this joint. The bouncers keep the place at only 50-ish% capacity all night. For what tho? Granted, Visceralist wasn't complaining about the relative lack of bathroom lines, but still. You have a rep for being exclusive, but then your revered chosen few walk in and are confronted with a half-empty closet the size of Schiller's restroom and thinking to themselves (Michael Bluth voice) "I've made a huge mistake..."
Bartender efficiency - owing to the aforementioned lack of capacity, you'll rarely have to wait more than a "New York Minute" for a drink. Kinda doesn't mean much tho if there's no struggle, ya know...?
Official Website - here. SMH-worthy.
Food? How late - they do have a full dinner menu on their site, but for what?
TVs? What's on - do not come here if you plan on making obvious, played-out jokes about the Shake Weight when the ad for it randomly pops up. [ed. Damn, calling out people for Shake Weight jokes? Have you read some of your stuff lately?]
Guy:girl ratio - The bouncers work very hard to keep this 50:50. The bouncers do an OK job of this.
Toys - conversation about how hard it is to get into this place will only last so long, so you'd better stock up on some Shake Weight jokes or something before you head in, cuz conversating is all they got here.
Age of clientele - the lighting in here was pretty dim and thus forgiving of folks' wrinkles and receding hairlines [ed. And you didn't love this place?!] , so it's hard to say.
Space for dancing? - yeah, one of the few benefits of a continual 50% capacity status.
Music medium, style & volume - do you love early-90's hits such as "I Love it When You Call Me Big Poppa" & "I Got a Man, I'm Not Trying to Hear That, See?" and suchlike?AND, do you hate all other kinds of music from any other era? Yeah? Ok then, you're all set. In fact, why are you not here right now?
Specials or most popular drink - beers served in 8oz glasses. Possibly other stuff, but if you're still here after finding out about the 8oz glass beer situation...AND you're the one paying (Visceralist dodged that bullet, ftw), then we need to talk about the huge mistakes you've made in life. Get at Visceralist in the comments.

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