Thursday, June 23, 2011

Room 18

18 Spring St. (btw Elizabeth & Mott)
New York, NY 10012
(212) 219-0942

Bathroom situation
- oof. One single, solitary unit in the back that caters to both Adam & Eve (which, btw, if they had two sons, how did the whole rest of the human race come from just them? Commenters, help us out here). For a space as large as this, in a neighborhood that gets as crowded as that and attracts a clientele as drunk as the third, this is an egregious oversight. Our advice: if you happen to find yourself here and you start feeling that familiar tingling sensation, just go somewhere else.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernible minimum, which is a pleasant throwback nostalgia good ol' days why isn't the Captain America movie coming out on July 4th?
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist's first/last Room 18 experience was on a recent Friday evening. It was well after happy hour (happier hour?) and, hand to heart, hand on the Bible, all I have in this world is my word & my balls: it was pretty crowded. Enough has been said!
Seating - considering how many people they pack in here, the seating options are cantankerously limited. Flibbity-jibbet!
Neighborhood - if it can be said that SoHo has an edgy part, then Visceralist is gonna go ahead and say that Room 18 in the edgy part of SoHo. Not edgy to the point where you'd want to "tool-up" with the "biscuit" and be ready for some potential "ratchet-time" just in case it "goes down," but you might want to just double check that your wallet's actually still in your back pocket every now and then.
Pretentious/assholes - though Room 18 is the kind of nondescript SoHo hangout spot that typically does attract its fair share of Sean Parker wannabes, Visceralist didn't find anything worth fretting over.
Cost of Stella - now! Now we'll tell you why we've so far been so salty about Room 18. There's really no other way to put it other than to just come right out and blurt it right on out: cans of Tecate are 6 "Samuel L. Jackson" dollars! Each! So the first thing Visceralist did upon hearing that the two cans we just asked for would run us $12 - that is, after the smelling salts took effect and we freshened up in the restroom (after waiting in line for 10 minutes) - was to launch into a lecture that began "Where do you get off?!" And that's exactly what we did. Wait, no, that's not what we did. We paid for it with a credit card and a smiled while doing it. Fuck Our Lives.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got there 12ish the other night and it was already gilled to the packs. Ugh, $6 for a fucking Tecate! 6! And we ain't talking Blossom's friend! Even Blossom's friend Six would know better than to charge that much for a can of that particular brand of micturition. And she was dumb enough to have a crush on Joey Whoa! And he was dumb enough to put out that terrible single that helped his album go quadruple platinum! The fuck??!
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist has never worked as a bartender, but we imagine that when it gets crowded at a place like this, from their point of view it must look like E. Honda's "100-hands" special move, with each hand annoyingly clutching a $20. Commenters, is this accurate?
Official Website - Google & Yelp say that they have, but they either forgot to renew their domain recently, or forgot to not be idiots, cuz their site is currently one big piece of spamshit.
Food? How late - they apparently have some nibbles earlier in the evening, but the Yelpster community says that they're nothing to resign from US Congress over.
TVs? What's on - no NBA for like the next 4 months, so no need to have a TV, we suppose.
Guy:girl ratio - airtight.
Toys - 6 fucking dollars...ssmh (the first "s" is for "still").
Age of clientele - well, it's SoHo, so you know it's all about 30 year-olds and the 50 year-olds that tolerate them.
Space for dancing? - if they persist in charging $6 for cans of Tecate, then the only dancing that Visceralist is interested in is the "Ottoman hump" dance that we'll be doing on Room 18's grave when they finally go under.
Music medium, style & volume - why isn't there a foursquare for music?
Specials or most popular drink - if they even have Stella here, it's probably like $22 a bottle or something. Fuck's sake...

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