Chloe

81 Ludlow St (btw Delancey & Broome)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 667-0067

This marks Visceralist's first review of an NYC bar that we haven't been to yet. Not for lack of trying, mind. It's just that their door policy is wack than one of Denise Huxtable's Gordon Gartrelle knockoffs. SMH. Didn't matter if Visceralist went with our mans'n'em or a jumpoff, we got shut down like your office computer during Xmas break. Now, granted, it may not be fair to review a bar based mostly on assumptions, their website and Yelp reviews...but Visceralist thinks it's equally as unfair for a bar to turn people away for reasons that are specious at best and triflin at worst. That said...

Bathroom situation - apparently two solo unisex drop-spots in back. This place is wild cozy, so this probably suffices. This place somehow cultivated a rep last year of being the east side's Beatrice Inn. Now, generally, Visceralist avoids the whole "This The New" kerfuffle cuz it's stupid (case in point: everyone thought Scarlett Johansson was the business for a while...then Christina Hendricks came through on some Betty Boop shit), so we won't comment on the cool-cache aspect, but if we're to compare Chloe to Beatrice as goes their respective, shall we say (if we may put this delicately), tolerance for people doing coke in the restrooms...[ed. our counsel won't let us finish this sentence].
Takes credit cards? - Not to give Yelp too much credit, but they say this place takes credit cards, so we'll agree with that. For now.
Crowded on weekends? - the bouncers would have you believe it's Oh So Packed, but if we wanna deal with reality, then Bjork would have you believe it's Oh So Quiet.
Seating - based on their site there's exactly 5 stools at the bar an roughly 4-5 red faux-pleather booths against the opposite wall.
Neighborhood - the small of the back of the LES.
Pretentious/assholes - (drooling) DEAR GOD YES. We assume. Granted there are places on the LES that are quasi-secret and/or have a tough door policy (shouts out to The Back Room & Milk+Honey), but Chloe goes to the trouble of not only posting two bouncers right outside, but also maintaining a list policy that keeps folks just waiting around at all hours. Even regulars. This essentially functions as a "Hey, we're exclusive!" sign in neon-lights with a dude handing out flyers at the corner that read "If you're reading this, you will not get in to Chloe tonight. Kill yaself!" This doesn't necessarily mean that the people who get in are pricks, but it doesn't help their case.
Cost of Stella -if our defensiveness is at all accurate, prolly like $25-$30 a bottle.
What time people start showing up - no clue, so it's prolly worth pointing out where this place is exactly. The entrance is found down a random stairwell in the middle of the block, just south of UC Lounge (the old Lounge 87). If they're actually letting people in, there'll likely be a bouncer sticking out comme un sore thumb, ice-grillin you if you make eye-contact.
Bartender efficiency - we would say terrible, but this place is apparently rarely more than 75% full, so we'll say slightly-less-than-terrible.
Official Website - available in the intro. The photos on the main page are pretty, but the rest of the site is a big ol' stinky HTML 3.ugh fail. Stick with Yelp. Or Visceralist.
Food? How late -they have a surprisingly eclectic menu on their site, but considering the size of the place, the food is prolly prepared with matches, on top of a matchbox, on top of the chef's knee in a damn cubbyhole in the back. Shit. When was the last time you were in a cubbyhole?
TVs? What's on - prolly reruns of some President signing some historic health care legislation or some shit.
Guy:girl ratio - If any male humans actually get into this place, they prolly got that cheese, cheddar, mozzarella AND the provolone, so you know what the female humans will be doing [ed. this Choose Your Own Adventure review shit ends this week, btw]
Toys - some diamond-encrusted triflin.
Age of clientele - most people here are prolly familiar with Usher, but would have no idea why he now hangs out with that short white kid who looks like a broke Zac Efron.
Space for dancing? - oh fuck yeah...the sign up list for their weekly running-man-off is longer than Justin Beiber's androgynous hair.
Music medium, style & volume - prolly loud, prolly boring...Chloe, hit us up with an invite if you wanna prove us wrong!
Specials or most popular drink - a shot of comeuppance in the next life (fingers crossed).
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If You Ain't Doin' Time Like Gucci...

Then you ain't doin' time.

(SMH at the flatscreen playing his "Lemonade" vid)

Bonus: JoaquinFlocker (pka Waka Flocka Flame) on Twitter.

Deep Visceralue Sea

The fucking shark turned on a fucking oven. Then stood back and checked its watch. Then the pic above happened.

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Turkey's Nest Tavern

94 Bedford Ave (btw N. 11 & 12)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 384-9774

Bathroom situation - 2 honeybuckets in the back, ostensibly 1 M and 1 F, but if we're being 1000%, then just pick one and get it how you get it, you undersmell? Yay AAAARREEEEAAAAAAAA!.
Takes credit cards? - no, but it almost feels like they're only doing this as some kind of long-term performance art project. Reality will kick in eventually, once they realize that Deitch only gives a what if you got that Yale MFA, sleepyhead. [ed. shouts out to Kehinde Wiley and his Puma-commissioned World Cup project, btw]
Crowded on weekends? - during the colder months, yes, but during the warmer months, no cuz cats mostly sneak in here, get a styrofoam cup of that good-good and keep it moving. McCarren park is right across the street, so...
Seating - a few flimsy tables in the front and the usual complement of stools at the bar...the tables are flimsy like the jackets people wear in LA in the winter. Like "Burrrrrrr....WTF is this, 50?!! OMFG....Thank god North Face makes windbreakers, phew!"
Neighborhood - near the Greenpoint/Williamsburg borderline, so residential-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - this place goes into sports-bar mode during college football/bball season, so if there are any midwesterners/southerners in WBurg during that time of year (shouts out to the Big Ten), don't be surprised if you bump into someone who will take a little spilled beer on their shirt as an actionable offense.
Cost of Stella - $6 and the clear plastic cup they serve it in comes gratis.
What time people start showing up - 'round 'bout when there's 1 or 2 fingers between the sun and the horizon, depending on the season.
Bartender efficiency - they have a couple goofballs working here (like seriously, something out of Duck Tales), but they got it where it counts. And they're plucky.
Official Website - nathan.
Food? How late -crushed ice prolly doesn't count as food, but it should be noted that they have a ton of this here.
TVs? What's on - usually something NCAA-related with some competitive 18-22 yr olds who get money under the table. Cash money, that is.
Guy:girl ratio - If you're like us here at Visceralist, you love it [ed. love it!] when people throw out stuff like "but my boyfriend was like..." in a conversation. Or like when you're reading a review of the newest Lost episode on The AV Club and all of a sudden in the middle of a paragraph you're reading stuff like "...but my wife's theory is that Jack is really the Smoke Monster, but also kind of Ben in a way, so you never know..." SMDH.
Toys - that new Buck Hunter shit that's like a Safari or some shit.
Age of clientele - can we talk about how Nicki Minaj is like 19 yrs old, but killin the rap game? Best female MC since Eve? Missy? Only thing is, her flow is like....seems like Wayne might be ghost-writing for her. Just a thought. Or...oh snap...vice versa?!
Space for dancing? - nah, but really...there's only so many ironic performances of David Brent's "duh-du-du-dunna-dunna" dance one can stand in one's Earthly lifetime.
Music medium, style & volume - fuck, not sure....prollly Phoenix or suchlike.
Specials or most popular drink - "You know what's in my styro-foam / What? / S-Y-R-UP! / That's my car, yup. / Vrooommm..." Young Tunechi c. 2007
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Waka Flocka Flame

Don't you dare call him lyrical. He's too busy.

K&M Bar

225 N. 8th St. (btw Roebling & Driggs)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 388-3088080808080808

Bathroom situation - two of them in the middle of the spot: one with a urinal, one without. They're a bit grimier than the rest of the bar (which is going for some kind of Boho meets SoHo slickness), but they're fully functional and non-deplorable. Don't try to sneak in for some quick anal with your gf/bf tho cuz there's usually a line for both BRs and they will chatroulette that if you make them wait [ed. shit, that better not be a fad...]
Takes credit cards? - no...you can buy men's socks at Duane Reade with a credit card tho.
Crowded on weekends? - Gucci mane has a song called "Stupid Wild" that goes "Stupid wild, super stupid wild, homie check my style." Now, Pitchfork hasn't reported that he wrote it about K&M on the weekend...but they also didn't report that he didn't write it about K&M on the weekends. Just asking questions.
Seating - a couple tables & bar stools in the front room and that's about it, Elizabeth. This place is designed for mingling and bumping into your next gf/bf that it won't work out with.
Neighborhood - the part of Williamsburg that doesn't give a shit if a Cavs/Nuggets game is on, or who wins (fuggin 'Melo).
Pretentious/assholes - (Sawyer voice) Hell yes. Eh, if you've even heard of this place, you're prolly a bit of an asshole anyway, so no worries. No one's gonna clown on the frames you got cuz Kid Cudi wore them in the "Pursuit of Happiness" video...to your face. Your fugly face, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist hasn't been here in a while, but we seem to remember that they only had Stella by the bottle. Matta fact...they may not have had any taps. Fuck. Commenters, wanna sponsor a fact-finding mission? Visceralist has a PayPal account. [ed. Quit lyin.] Visceralist can probably get a PayPal account.
What time people start showing up - bout an hour after their friend said they were showing up....so, sometime tomorrow (shouts out to Conan's Tonight Show potentially starting at 12:05am).
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist wanted to fill this space with an animated gif of a panda falling off a slide and landing on its head. No such gif exists, so you'll have to look at this and imagine the rest:


Official Website - here. It's a MySpace page, so make sure you've installed Microsoft Security Essentials before clicking the link (or just go right ahead if you're using a Mac).
Food? How late - Visceralist tried to sneak a cheeseburger in here under a winter coat once and the bouncer smelled it right away and smooshed it up against our chest before telling us that no food was allowed. Sucks too, cuz we were wearing our one cool shirt that night. [ed. Don't try to buy that shirt online, btw...Reason's customer service is the bullshit.]
TVs? What's on - they have a big screen onto which they project arthouse shit like "Fargo" and "Red vs. Blue" and suchlike.
Guy:girl ratio - Allegedly, "It ain't trickin if you got it." But really...even if you're paid...if you gotta buy every drink and every dinner and (even worse) your love-interest expects you to do as such all the time...is that really a life you wanna be living? Commenters, please...showlite!
Toys - um, bragging to people who haven't been here yet prolly counts, so...
Age of clientele - Visceralist has one 21 yr old friend who somehow has not only heard of, but already gotten bored of places we haven't even gotten let into yet. Even when we went there with a cute chick on a Wednesday night. Fuck...never get old.
Space for dancing? - (Dead Prez voice) Hell yeah. It's funny that this place gets so much love for having a great dancing area and mediocre - decent DJs when Supreme Trading is half a block away. Anyway, K&M's backroom is basically that scene from Saturday Night Fever (via Madonna's "Ray of Light" vid).
ID Check Procedure - [ed. rolls eyes]
Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist doesn't really remember, but according to Yelp, they play a lot of "hipster music" so we imagine it's mostly Bukowski poems set to Yoko Ono songs (her new shit).
Specials or most popular drink - if you have to ask, you've prolly never been cheated on.
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Brooklyn Public House

247 Dekalb Ave (btw Clermont & Vanderbilt Aves)
Brooklyn, NY 11205
(347) 227-8976

Bathroom situation - two single-person rooms, one M, one F. Both are a fuckin notch or two too clean and nice for a Pub, which makes Visceralist a little nervous (which, in turn, makes it difficult for Visceralist to urinate...so it's like "concentrate, concentrate...think of that one Calvin & Hobbes strip where Hobbes tries to make Calvin have to pee in the middle of the night to get him back for some earlier diss"). You know how that go.
Takes credit cards? - it's easy as dick to run up a $100 tab for a party of 4, so they damn sure better take a Discover Card or two. There may be a minimum, but we here at Visceralist like to keep our evenings out nice and wasted (Gucci!), so we don't really recall.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but not so bad that you'll "accidentally" get pressed up against that friend of a friend you have a crush on on your way to the bathroom [ed. you're still sayin "crush"?! Goddamn...witchyo Power Ranger ass.]
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, 4 or 5 tables in the front part, and a bunch of booths & one big table running up the middle in the back. It's ample like Megan Mullaly (shouts out to Party Down season 2).
Neighborhood - Ft. Greene is still Visceralist's favorite BK hood, so you won't hear too much nonsense spilling out of our keyboard here. You will in the rest of the categories though.
Pretentious/assholes - Christine Z. wrote the following in her 1-star Yelp review of this place:

Thank you for trying to make my birthday not fun. Seriously, the waitresses here kept trying to make everyone sit down the whole night and kept regulating on everything we were doing. We brought 15 people there for some serious drinking and they just made everything so difficult.
Ever here of giving someone a shot on their birthday? No cause that would too difficult at this place.

This is the type of place where you would run into the cast of The Real World Brooklyn.

So clearly, most of the cunts(this word is not gender-specific, btw) that do wander in here don't come back.
Cost of Stella - that's $6 you'll never see again, but won't regret.
What time people start showing up - god, why do you people keep asking us all these damn questions?! God, can't we just do our own thing at home for a week or so? Is that so bad? Why you all up under us?!
Bartender efficiency - this is gonna sound like Visceralist is on the take (we wish) or that we know the owner, but the service here has never been a problem or an issue or a complaint or a "blerg" or a :-/ or anything like that there.
Official Website - here. It ain't the best thing since breath and it does have its food menus in .pdf format (which is idiotic, btw...just HTML that shit up), but it's cute enough and reasonably serviceable (just like the waitresses!).
Food? How late - basic pub food served past 12. Bangers and fish and mash and chips (not in that order...unless you order it like that. Now that's an order!).
TVs? What's on - nah, playboy...so don't roll up in here expecting to see Peep Show, or Little Britain or The InBetweeners or Mighty Boosh or Extras or any of that other sub-The Office (UK) bullshite.
Guy:girl ratio - this isn't really the kind of place where you meet someone new and hit it off and hit it raw. Most people here already knew the people that they came and left with. If you have any theories as to why this is (looking at you, Christine Z.), leave them in the comments.
Age of clientele - some people like to say that 40 is the new 30, but really 30 isn't even the new 30, so if you're in your 20s, you might feel a little in over your head. That's life!
Space for dancing? - getchyo crip-walkin ass outta here!
ID Check Procedure - if you actually get carded here, getchyo Pratt-studyin ass back down the block!
Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist is late on this, sure, but how hot is Snoop's "I Wanna Rock" beat? Gets us in the mood to get back to our science-droppin days and mark up that track like Kurt Cobain's inner-elbows (too soon?).
Specials or most popular drink - they got a gang of beers on tap, so even the most prudish, conservative imbiber can find something here to get drunk on and then hit on that chick that he knows his friend is kinda dating when said friend goes to the bathroom. The Robbery has been committed!
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Visceralost

"Now how you like me now?"