Thursday, December 18, 2008

Welcome to the Johnsons

123 Rivington St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 420-9911

Bathroom situation
- 2 unisex bathrooms which are sooo brokeass...seriously, the grime on the walls will card you on your way in regardless of how old you look.
Takes credit cards? - they had one of those old school click-clack credit card devices, but it broke down in 2002.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, this place is insufferably ironically popular. And yet...
Seating - 10ish seats at the bar, 10ish plastic-covered old school 70's chaises, and two benches against the wall near the billiards table in the back. The seat cushions on the seats in the front are so low to the ground, you'll feel like you're bout to bust a drive-by in South Central in the 90s.
Neighborhood - the wrong side of the tracks of the LES.
Type of crowd - Folks who are OK and folks who are downright scum. Full disclosure: Visceralist almost got his favorite winter coat jacked here on some douchebag shit...and the bartender was complicit. Email for the full story.
Pretentious/assholes - some fuckers, yeah (that winter coat story got us heated).
Cost of Stella - don't have it here, so BYOS.
What time people start showing up - 10ish, average.
Bartender efficiency - usually two bartenders on the heavy nights, which is almost sufficient. The drinks are about as cheap as your mom, so best bet is to stock up on a few at a time so you have to deal with these coat-stealing mugs as little as possible.
Official Website - MySpace page. Last comment is from back when the Democratic presidential primary race was still interesting.
Food? How late - no, but the air is thick enough with bar-musk to make you feel like you never want to eat again.
TVs? What's on - 1 brokeass 70's TV which usually plays brokeass 80's movies on VHS.
Guy/girl ratio - 80/20
Toys - Pool table and a Ms. Pacman/Galaga table. The pool table has no sign up list so you really gotta be on Braveheart mode if you wanna actually get to poolin'.
Age of clientele - everyone dresses like they're in their 20s, so you know what that means...16-42.
Space for dancing - Visceralist saw some clown dancin around after he thought he'd gotten clean away with gankin someone's winter coat (little did he know, he hadn't). Not sure if it was to any particular bpm tho.
D├ęcor - If this place needs to be summed up in one sentence, it looks like the kind of puke you'd find coming out of your mouth after you personally witnessed your uncle making your grandparents re-enact 2 girls, 1 cup.
Grimeyness - Holy...
ID check procedure - Perfunctory bouncer.
Hood specificity - Right on the border of deceny.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a perennially brokedown jukebox, so you're at the mercy of the iPod belonging to the bartender or the Eastern-European actress/model/spokesperson/intern he's fucking.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour:
Profile - Google first page results: reviews by Citysearch, New York Mag, Yelp, Schecky's, Clup Planet, UrbanSpoon and BlackBook Mag. *crickets*

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