Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Delancey

168 Delancey St. (btw Attorney & Clinton)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-9920

Bathroom situation
- two multi-person water closets on the ground floor in the back near the coat-check (ain't that a bitch for the coat-checker?). Possibly some downstairs, but we have to focus on the main men's room because it contains a disturbingly unique setup for their urinal. In an apparent homage to truckstops, they've decided to employ the trough model of urine-collection. But they class that bitch up by lining the bottom of it with polished stones and having a zen waterfall pour down to provide rinseaway. You'll be so distracted by the owner's cot damn audacity in putting this motherfucker (yes, "er" and "er") in their bar that any pee-shyness you might normally encounter will melt away like a Nazi's face when the Ark of the Covenant is nearby.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and they even have one of those easily hackable ATMs that doesn't even ask you if you want to see your balance before flashing on screen how much money you don't have in your account. Just be sure no one's peek-peeking over your brokeass shoulder before withdrawing.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot has a straight ballerific roof deck with Lost-style palm fronds and everything. You'll think you've done up'n landed on Gilligan's Island. On some Prisoner shit. Shout out to Dr. Moreau. So, yeah, it's crowded when it's nice out.
Seating - Considering how much square footage this place encompasses, there's a startling dearth of seating on the ground and basement levels. This, however, is very nearly rectified by the wooden benches and suchlike on the roof deck. Most folks still stand though.
Neighborhood - confidently walking the tightrope between the Disneyfied and the fucktified sections of the LES. Lots of places nearby to get your weave right, tho (shouts out to Michael C. Hall).
Type of crowd - picture the crowd that showed up at Gatsby's parties...then halve their bank accounts...then update their frame of reference to, hmmm, the mid-to-late 90's. Then go to The Delancey if this sort of scene butters your biscuit.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist gets called out on this category constantly, but we stubbornly and pretentiously stand by it. The Delancey crowd is usually not too pick-a-fight-y tho, so...
Cost of Stella - $6 or $7 depending on how much of a mark-ass busta you look like to the bartender.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist came to a concert here once at 9pm and there weren't many people...also came to a Bday party (on the roof deck!) at like 12:30am and it was damn-near infestated with (Daniel Plainview voice) people. So, fucked if we know.
Bartender efficiency - there're bars on all 3 levels, so you're a damn jive turkey sucka if you wait more than 2 mins for a drink.
Official Website - here. The front page has a black-and-red photoshop of a Les Paul next to a martini glass, and an HTML title reading "index." That was all Visceralist needed to see.
Food? How late - don't think so, but there's a Burger King a block away in case you need to sneak-sneak anything on the low-low (witchyo fat ass).
TVs? What's on - nope, so you'll have to have to bring Drake's "Best I Ever Had" video on your ipod/iphone or watch it 5 times in a row right before leaving so it stays in your memory banks for the night.
Guy:girl ratio - the roofdeck is a fuckin genetalia magnet, period. Does not discriminate one way or the other. So, 50:50.
Toys - the flora on the roofdeck counts, no? If not, you can get your fingerbang-bang on in one of The Delancey's many dark nooks (shout out to crannies).
Age of clientele - very unsurprising.
Space for dancing? - yes, a small yet dedicated dance space just past the bar on the main floor.
Grimeyness - the roofdeck is resplendent. The men's urinal is as well. The rest, not so much. The basement is downright reminiscent of Lit's.
ID Check Procedure - present most nights w/ one of those gizmos. Meh.
Music medium, style & volume
- DJ most nights, spinning all types of ill shit...ill meaning good and ill meaning bad (and meaning mediocre...does anyone get hype when that new Jay-Z comes on anymore?).
Specials or most popular drink - well drinks are 2 for 1 all Monday night long. Shout out to unemployment...but a bigger shout out to funemployment.

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