Thursday, August 20, 2009

Key Bar

432 E. 13th St. (btw 1st & Ave A)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 4783021

Specials or most popular drink
- had to move this category to the top cuz this is where Key Bar shines like the barrel of a biscuit. 2 for 1 on all drinks from 5-10pm. No other decent bar in the vicinity keeps their happyhour this fuckin gully. Most of the mixed drinks are in the $10-$12 range, but they're essentially half-off til 10, so...also, they're known for their Lychee Martini, which will fuck you up worse than you'd be if your given name was Dick (not Richard).
Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex drops in the back to the right of the bar. They keep the plungers in them for a reason, which is downright unfortunate, but otherwise they're fairly innocuous. If you have the option, grab the first one (with the sliding door) cuz it's about twice the size of the other one, with a bigger, cleaner mirror. In fact, it's prolly big enough to fit more than one person at a time.
Takes credit cards? - yes, $20 min. With the happy hour in effect, could take a while to reach this.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, that brings us to the "thing" about this's about the size of the interior of a Camry. If the HR dept of any moderately-sized company books a going-away-party here, forget about it. Won't be worth it unless you genuinely want to wish Carol good luck with her future as a NYC Teaching Fellow (won't help). Or if you're trying to get with her cuter friend Nancy.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, 5 lounge couches w/ tables. Moot point, cuz you'll be standing. Cuz there's no seats.
Neighborhood - across the street from one of the freshest non-NYU apt buildings in the East Village. This bar is the only thing open on the whole block after 10pm tho, so if you brought a trenchcoat, pop that collar [ed. (slaps forehead)...really? That's the punchline? You better knock it out the damn park with the next one or you're done here.]
Type of crowd - whiff... [ed. watch this]
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that most of the crowd prefer's Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" to the clearly superior "Ecstacy" by jj.
Cost of Stella -$6, but comes with an additional free Stella til 10:00pm.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 7:15pm one time for a party that was listed as starting at 7:00pm. Needless to say, Visceralist was disgustingly, wrist-slittingly early for this party, but the place was still reasonably fullish...
Bartender efficiency - two bartenders, but they get it the fuck in. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Official Website - here. The intro page had a listing of browser requirements (like seriously, more than one), so Visceralist made it no further.
Food? How late - they have peach cider here, which tastes like a shit sandwich, so that might count.
TVs? What's on - nope, so better bring your iPhones with the YouTube clips from "In the Loop" pre-loaded.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll manage.
Toys - there's a DJ booth in the back, so most people here entertain themselves with a round or two of the ol' "Hey, could you play..." To be fair though, the DJ always loses...
Age of clientele - mostly folks on their 4th or 5th 30th bday.
Space for dancing? - Oddly, yes. The center of the room tends to get to moshin' at the slightest hint of "Come on Eileen."
Grimeyness - the happy hour will keep you hazy enough to where this is a non-issue. Like how idiots obfuscate the healthcare debate with hysterical hyberbole.
ID Check Procedure - please, homey. If you've even heard of the movie "New Jack City" you'll get in.
Music medium, style & volume
- DJ's choice. Not too loud that you'll have to repeat the lie that you're actually still technically employed as a consultant.

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