Friday, February 27, 2009

Video: Jamie Foxx - Blame It

No embedding ain't killt it.

Look here.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


151 Rivington St. (btw Suffold & Clinton St.)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-4139

Bathroom situation
- two unisex single-person jawns behind a classy bead curtain.
Takes credit cards? - If you walk in here and actually have a credit card in your left, right, back or front pocket, the locals will sniff it out and you will likely be mugged and/or set up before you leave this lovely basement. So, no...
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but no, but...
Seating - a few ramshackle tables in front and a handful of seats in the bar. They have an erstwhile-VIP room in the back, but it's right next to the bathroom situation, so it's prolly stanky.
Neighborhood - slightly off-the-grid LES...make sure someone knows where you are.
Type of crowd - An ok mix of garbage and sentients. Visceralist's good story about this place: was chilling, talking to some chick one on one at a table and some whiteboy in a black hoody and un-trendy jeans walks up to us like "Hey, you want to buy some cocaine?"...Clearly he was a Narco, but damn, do you think cats that come here are that ign'ant...or coke-deficient? NYPD FAIL.
Pretentious/assholes - the cream of the crowd here are all "in a band." If you're the type who doesn't care to ask any follow-up questions, you'll fit right on in.
Cost of Stella - not sure if they even have Heineken here. If you're the kind of cunt who needs a Stella, just order a PBR and fake it until you can convince whomever you're with to go somewhere else.
What time people start showing up - this place is so dark at all times that all sense of time falls into a quantum wormhole...that falls into a bottle of tequila...that's sold for $4/shot. Cheap shit.
Bartender efficiency - usually two at the bar, one male, one female. Both probably lucid?
Official Website - n/a. Gully...gangsta...pimpin...lazy...
Food? How late - um, you can get some food for thought if you bring an "unconvential" looking girl here.
TVs? What's on - tv = the devil.
Guy:girl ratio - leans towards being dude-heavy, but chicks can be easily convinced to come here if they're ign'ant and you can sell it as a "hip" LES "hangout."
Toys - um, the bead-curtains near the bathroom are pretty cheeky, but otherwise,'re on your own.
Age of clientele - regardless the age, no one here knows any better.
Space for dancing - no, this is more of a pre-dancing place. Like you can test out some drop-it-like-it's-hot moves here to some White Stripes before you bust them out at Pianos, where it really counts.
Décor - wisely, they made this place too dark to really know what the hell you're looking at, stepping on, talking to. Hopefully, by the time you get here you're drunk enough to be past all that type of bourgeois paraphernalia.
Grimeyness - the front door has SPRAY PAINTED "tags" on it...I mean, c' that what we're doing now? Is that the movement?
ID check procedure - Breathing? Get in.
Hood specificity - the ELES. Where everyone who's over the main LES, but isn't invited to the really cool parties goes...
Music medium, style & volume - the only reason Visceralist really wrote this warn ppl that this place is LOUD AS fuck. You will only be able to hear the person sitting right across from you if he/she has both an 808 and an auto-tune console underneath the left and right side of the tongue in his/her mouth.
Specials or most popular drink - they prolly have some kind of BS, but it usually feels like they think that you're lucky to even get in here, so...take that, take that. Bad Boy, baby. Can't stop...

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Lolita Bar

266 Broome St. (btw Allen & Orchard)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 966-7223

Bathroom situation
- here's the thing...generally Visceralist will totally take a stinky shizznit on a joint that only has one unisex bathroom in the back. And that sort of holds true here (we'll get to that below). Thing is, they have 2 more bathrooms downstairs, but the downstairs is only open on the weekend and for private parties. The one saving grace here, is that there's somehow never really a long line for the main bathroom. It's one of those things Visceralist will never understand, but is consistently amazed Andre 3000's dance at the 2:13 mark in this vid, or why an 808 kick is so fuckin rad.
Takes credit cards? - Naw (front much?).
Crowded on weekends? - oooh child...downright inhospitable fri + sat unfortunately.
Seating - 8ish stools at the bar, 3 tables in front and a non-dearth of cushiony booths & tables in the back. Like most places in this excreable neighborhood, you'll be 'k during the week and standing on the weekend. Bam.
Neighborhood - the lower intestine of the LES, but still chill.
Type of crowd - Jamie Foxx sometimes uses the expression "she got a gang of dumps" to describe women who are well endowed below the hip-line. There's generally a gang of chicks here, but he would not use the above term to describe n'air one of them.
Pretentious/assholes - boy howdy.
Cost of Stella - $6...Visceralist wonders what it costs in the Midwest these days. Red-staters, chime in.
What time people start showing up - 808'o'clock.
Bartender efficiency - here's where Visceralist really has to come with the tsk-tsk language. These mugs have one small bar space with 2 'tenders doing the best they can. Not suggesting you sneak in YOB, but one will notice.
Official Website - here. Perhaps a wee bit too streamlined. Where's the personality, Lolita?
Food? How late - remember that Far Side "Cat Fud" cartoon? That was funnier than this whole blog. [ed. the fuck?]
TVs? What's on - "no, no, no" - Amy Winehouse.
Guy/girl ratio - 50/50.
Toys - the downstairs area has a real suburban rec center vibe to it, but sadly no red dodgeball balls.
Age of clientele - if there's a joke here, Visceralist is gonna ignore it cuz we're better than that. Spread the word.
Space for dancing - um, this is really more of a "hey, remember that time sophomore year..." type place.
Décor - suprisingly classy, yet still retains some LES cool. Good place to take a chick when you're trying to subtley convince her you're into types of music that you're really not into. Like Justice (blyeah!).
Grimeyness - if this place ever had the lights all the way up, they'd prolly never pass a health inspection...but they don't.
ID check procedure - Frustratingly thorough.
Hood specificity - Visceralist should really fold this category into the "Neighborhood" one...
Music medium, style & volume - DJ on the weekends usually spinning 90s brit-rock. No complaints here.
Specials or most popular drink - their signature drink "The Lolita" contains Raspberry vodka, triple sec, lime juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, cherry, and lime wedge. Visceralist has tried this while completely oblivious to the idea it might be considered effeminate (word to Frost/Nixon).

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Boss Tweed's

115 Essex St (btw Delancey & Rivington)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 475-9997

Bathroom situation
- 2 in the back, fyi, this place is set up in a similar fashion to d.b.a. except with much more dumbass ephemera. The restrooms are mostly inoffensive tho.
Takes credit cards? - Hell yeah. Shit yeah.
Crowded on weekends? - hoo boy. There will be dry-humping.
Seating - a gang of stools here, but good luck with all that. Between the laid-off truckers and the down-low dry-humpers here, you'll be lucky to get standing-upright room. Errrah!
Neighborhood - Next door to a municipal parking lot. Reasonable rates. Plus a 24-hour McDonald's fast-food style eating establishment restaurant calories. Warning, after 2am, the service there (McDs) gets mad brokeass.
Type of crowd - pssh, cunts and the women they surprisingly successfully attract.
Pretentious/assholes - this place has beer pong. Regularly. Visceralist frowns (cuz we're jealous).
Cost of Stella - presumably $6, but they're often "out of it."
What time people start showing up - scum o'clock, usually.
Bartender efficiency - possibly the one highlight. These mugs know how to get a muhfuh muthafuckin drunk.
Official Website - here. Barebones, straightforward and easy to navigate. Finished it!
Food? How late - maraschino cherries don't count. FYI, they don't have these here.
TVs? What's on - sports. Which brings us to a good point, if you say you don't like any sports, you are the worst. Study human history, you motherfucker. Everyone's always loved some kind of sport. You are NOT an outlier.
Guy/girl ratio - 80/20 and the women who do come here are likely just humoring some dude for some reason.
Toys - here's where Tweed's really excels. Multiple beer pong tables (FTW?), touch screen cabinet (he said cabinet?), Red Bull fridge, pool table, dice games going on in the back (Snot Boogie, what up!), betting on the games on the 5 flat screens, and general shit-talkin. Bam.
Age of clientele - if we're being honest, 30+. But at least they know what they want from a relationship at that age.
Space for dancing - not really the kind of place for pelvis gesticulation and suchlike.
Décor - you know that show Frasier? This is like the kind of place their gimped-up dad would like if he were in his lucid 30s.
Grimeyness - tolerable for all sets.
ID check procedure - Hysterical.
Hood specificity - The forgotten part of the LES. And next door to a porno video rental place that's somehow still in business.
Music medium, style & volume - Wild lame. They have an mp3 juke here, but it's generally ignored, so the songs come from, presumably, the neighbor upstairs. The neighbor upstairs is disgruntled that Kings of Leon never made it in the US.
Specials or most popular drink - everyday specials (all day): $3 Bud & Bud Lite pints, $4 Natural Lite double-cans (um?), $10 Bud and Bud Lite pitchers, $5 shot (unspecified) and a beer.

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