Thursday, April 23, 2009

Reader Feedback Fridays

We get a gang of e-comments/criticisms/feedback here at Visceralist and like to take the time to respond to our fans from time to time. OK, so if you believe that, here's an e-letter we got recently:

"Whatup. I just wanna say that y'all really know how to put the pumps in the bumps. That's a Pittsburgh expression, so let me explain. Pardon my candor, but you really know how to make a guy feel like he's really getting obliterated at one of NYC's many fine, Aqua di Gio scented establishments. You guys are so fuckin awesome, just...goddamn! Y'all should be invited to join Skull & Bones, Bohemian Grove, Bilderbergs and all that shit. Better yet, you should be invited to join that secret shit [ed. had to censor the real name of this shit] that only the real muthafuckas get invited to cuz they're so damn gully. The shit the internet doesn't even know about. AND THEN turn them down. Just had to get that off my chest." - Quentin, PA.

Dear Q,

You used the word "candor" wrong.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


245 E. 55th St.
New York, NY 10022
(212) 355-4474

There's been a lot of muck around the netosphere lately about how Visceralist is only good at roasting bars within our comfort zone (the LES/EV/WBURG). Now watch this...

Bathroom situation
- standard fare. Two stalls + two urinals in the men's. Presumably the same in the women's. Zoom Media in the building.
Takes credit cards? - yes. And they have the touch screen register to prove it. Corporate account friendly and they're not too picky about people saying "It's on his card." Midtown, bitches. Fuck a recession.
Crowded on weekends? - no we all know, Midtown's more like a ghost town on the weekend. So they operate on a skeleton crew...with one foot in the dot on your ass like my name is The Predator. [ed. this'll be the last Midtown bar review]
Seating - roughly 15 stools around the bar in front. Handful of stools near the pool tables. Ample seating in the back room, but it's usually reserved during prime happy hour days (Wed-Fri). If you go there then (you won't any other time, trust), prepare to exercise your posture bones.
Neighborhood - residential East Midtown. Next block same as the next. Next Deli same as the next. Next A-hole same as the next. Blackstones is cool tho.
Type of crowd - known for its diversity. Everything from business casual to business formal. Fish in a barrel, I know, so Visceralist is not gonna bother ethering anyone...
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist has midwestern readers who may not know the ins and outs of NYC neighborhoods...but Visceralist also has NYC readers who hate reading that redundant let's just compromise and say that everyone is familiar with the frat-bro archetype, and leave it at that. In addition, Blackstones also attracts IT helpdesk dudes.
Cost of Stella - even the smaller, backroom bar has Stella on tap. A rarity. Told you it was cool. Btw, who else can't wait for Lebron to smash the '09 playoffs/finals?
What time people start showing up - 5:30-6:30. The epitome (pronounced ee-PIT-o-mee) of your NYC happy hour spot. However, not unique in this regard.
Bartender efficiency - well-staffed than a muthafucka. If you can't get a bartender's attention, you prolly work for a non-profit...yeah, they can tell. So can everyone else here, FYI. With your brokeass.
Official Website - here. Straight out of the 1999 HTML/Java bag o' tricks, but they have all the pertinent info so we cain't hate.
Food? How late - yes and it's just as classy as it wants to be. Steak tips on garlic bread? Check.
And. Mate.
TVs? What's on - so many TVs they show horse racing on some sometimes...even during March Madness season. Take that LES. Fuck you and your moustaches.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50...the perfect environment to do something that'll make you start emailing someone else to avoid talking to the chick at your office that you drunkenly slid your arm around cuz you thought she was into your ugly ass. Alcohol's a helluva drug.
Toys - two damn pool tables and a few touch screen multi-game units. AKA the standard Midtown package.
Age of clientele - yuppie whippersnapers - those afraid of them usurping their jobs. And, to think, you put in all those years of wearing a tie every day...ain't that a bitch?
Space for dancing - you don't wanna see anyone here dance...let's move along.
Décor - whatever company is outfitting all the pubs/taverns in Midtown is richer than Madoff's clients thought they were in 2007. The only thing that makes Blackstones stand out is that their back area has a sick moon roof.
Grimeyness - no fucking complaints.
ID check procedure - sporadic. Literally, it's a crap shoot. Plus the guy who checks it (when they do check) looks like depressed, meth'd out Geraldo Rivera in a jean jacket. [ed. that's kinda harsh.]
Music medium, style & volume
- "All up in the strip club / never get a boner / only get hard for d'oh! / I'm homer / and you're a simp, son / and I'm a pimp, son." -Lil Wayne.
Specials or most popular drink - 11am - 7pm: half priced apple martinis and cosmos. Kill't it.

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Thursday, April 9, 2009


388 Union Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 302-6464

Bathroom situation
- two multi-person shitholes near the entrance. Seriously, they're as dirty as something from a documentary about how much it sucked to live in an Eastern-Bloc country in the 70s. Goddamn!
Takes credit cards? - Probably. Though your better off bringing cash cuz of all the arcade games and dollar -> quarter machines.
Crowded on weekends? - this place has a gang of cubic footage, so though it does get crowded, it's rarely nuts-to-butts. That said, good luck getting a turn on Rampage Thur-Sat. Ain't that a bitch?
Seating - sparse than a muthafucka. FML, right?
Neighborhood - well within the womb of Williamsburg gentrification.
Type of crowd - Nerdlingers. Leroy Jenkinses. Bus Uncles. That dude who won that Kollaboration 2001 with them Frankenstein moves. Ya dig?
Pretentious/assholes - some wannabe Tyler Durdens out this bitch, but you know how that goes...
Cost of Stella - don't think they have it here, but they're one of those spots that has a rotating menu of imported/local brews. Plus! Cup holders next to every arcade cab. Bamn!
What time people start showing up - Dig Dug o'clock.
Bartender efficiency - if you're coming here to get drunk and don't give a shit about the classic gaming nostalgia on tap, then fuck you! J/k. Bartenders are your typical nitwits trying to bring back that grunge movement and that have never heard of The Foundation series. Ain't that a bitch?
Official Website - here. Surprisingly dope (the fuck?). List of what beers they're currently tap-tap revenging.
Food? How late - plenty of food available in PacMan, Rampage, GTA IV (they don't have that last one here though).
TVs? What's on - so many flickering screens and no Sports Center. Ain't that a bitch? I wanna see LeBron through some chalk in the air, goddammit!
Guy:girl ratio - you know what it is.
Toys - Visceralist thinks they have a pool table here and as far as we know, no one's fucked on it (like the one at Alligator Lounge).
Age of clientele - balding - bald.
Space for dancing - ahahahahhaahaha...seriously, ahahahhaha. Picturing these mugs trying t...hahahahaha.
Décor - surprisingly brokeass. Their arcade-purchasing budget is off the chain, but their gussying-up budget got rocked by Madoff, apparently.
Grimeyness - whooof. I will not...
ID check procedure - tall enough to reach the joystick? Hop in.
Music medium, style & volume - Lots of Radiohead when they sucked back in 2000-2002. [ed. oooooohhhhhhh, snap!]
Specials or most popular drink - whatever the opposite of dignity is.

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Friday, April 3, 2009


FYI, Visceralist has a Twitter that is the Lil Wayne of Twitters (i.e. it's vastly overrated and Eminem & Jay-Z were better). It's here.