Mehanata Bulgarian Bar

113 Ludlow St.

New York, NY 10002
(212) 625-0981

Bathroom situation - one unisex cubicle in the rear (back...and to the left) on the street level, two on the lower level. The ground-floor one is a hot mess, but the ones in the basement are damn-near romantic.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but there's a $20 min which is strictly enforced...though it may actually be $15, we don't remember. Only one way to find out!
Crowded on weekends? - whooo, child....that seems to be the calling card for this place, which gets crowded, steamy, sweaty, and grope-y most Thu-Sat nights. Apparently, this is the main attraction for most of Mehanata's clientele, so dress accordingly.
Seating - downright dearthy.
Neighborhood - the tail-end of the LES strip. Across the street from the cheapest parking garage in the LES.
Type of crowd - so this place regularly stays open well past 4:00am, and you don't even have to know somebody who knows somebody to enjoy this. Just get there before 4 and kick it like Taebo till your legs give out.
Pretentious/assholes - generally yes, but they're usually outnumbered by the weirdos and the Sergei's who consider this place homeplate.
Cost of Stella - only have it in bottles here, but it'll still run you the neighborhood-standard $6.
What time people start showing up - some at 11:30ish, some at 3:58ish.
Bartender efficiency - bartenders here are mostly female and mostly wavy. They're also almost uniformly hard-assish, but they still get it in.
Official Website - here. Flashy, but not terribly substantive. However, they have a somewhat extensive photo & video gallery, so don't think you can just creep-creep off in here with your jump-off and not risk catching some trials and tribulations from wifey/hubby.
Food? How late - not saying this place is grimey, but Visceralist has peeked in the employees-only back room and though they don't technically serve food here, in some ways even the ice cubes could probably be considered, um, fortified. [ed. j/k]
TVs? What's on - no, but Hulu has an iPhone app coming soon so just hold on.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50 and the tube-tops be poppin!
Toys - this place is so visually arresting in so many ways that you'll be plenty distracted w/o a pool table, dart board or n'er none of that shit.
Age of clientele - veers 30ish, though SVA's dorms are now right next door so this could soon change, with sexy results....
Space for dancing? - street-level floor: not really, but that doesn't stop anyone. Downstairs: plenty of room cuz the neon light overdose is apparently a turnoff, so feel free to let your leg get as stanky as it needs to be!
Décor - fake palm trees, wood-grain, disco ball, strobe lights....basically what a Bulgarian-American would think a Bulgarian bar would look like having never even visited the old country.
Grimeyness - charming enough to make you not really care about it.
ID check procedure Historical tidbit - this place used to be an S&M/goth club called SeHo.
Music medium, style & volume - music is (a) often loud as shit and (b) supplied by a real-life Oompa-Loompa band. If you're as drunk as you should be while here, it'll totally make sense.
Specials or most popular drink - $2 Recession Wine.
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The Back Room

102 Norfolk St.

New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-5098

Bathroom situation - two back around the corner from the bar and two more in the upstairsy, loungey area. All are surprisingly pedestrian given that this spot's chandelier-game is at an all-time high.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but the minimum is just downright unfortunate. It's like $30 or something. This place gets a lot of mileage out of that damn chandelier.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, be prepared for standing-room only. And ladies, don't think a gent will offer you his seat just cuz of the speakeasy vibe and the fuckin chandelier. Wear only your most comfortable high-heel Uggs.
Seating - only about 10 stools at the bar, but they gots a gang of Agatha Christie-style chaises and davenports in the lounge. And a fucking wooden globe. And yes they did do a sliding bat-cave style bookcase. Colonel Mustard, watch your back and your candlestick!
Neighborhood - the justifyably-overlooked part of the SW LES. Really, it's just this place, Nurse Bettie & The Delancey.
Type of crowd - this seems like a good point to address the supposedly-secret nature of this place. Basically, its door isn't on the street. There's a short gate two buildings south of Nurse Bettie that usually has a doorman standing outside of it (it'll look awkard, so you'll see it). He'll let you in if (a) you got a few you-know-the-type chicks with you, (b) you look either LES-cool or UES-rich or (c) on rare occasions if you can get your friends who are already there to come out and vouch for you. You then go through the gate, down some stairs, through an alley, up some more stairs and knock at the door which has a sly peephole. Honestly, it's only marginally worth the hassle. And really only once.
Pretentious/assholes - Hard to say. The Back Room is years past its on-the-low, cool-kids prime so the clientele is (presumably) a lot more diverse than it used to be. Still, you know how Johnny-Come-Latelys be [ed. I don't know how all these hyphens be].
Cost of Stella - no recuerdo. While we're on the topic tho, they serve cocktails in tea-cups here which is good and quaint, but prolly also a certified screwjob.
What time people start showing up - 11ish. How hot is The Kickdrums "Just a Game" btw?
Bartender efficiency - the seats in the lounge are usually reserved latenight, but the cocktail waitresses [ed. that term is so Mad Men] that handle that area are especially on point which is a breath of that fresh. The actual bar-tenders, however, are fairly excellent. This place is usually well-staffed too. Overcompensating for the overprices? Maybe, but fuck it...
Official Website - nathan.
Food? How late - no. Even checked the tea set...no Willy Wonka.
TVs? What's on - this is really more of an ambiance place and they do it really well, so a TV here would be be blasphemous even if you were a non-practicing Cthuluan.
Guy:girl ratio - considering this place caters mainly to young ladies and those who tolerate them in order to be with them, if you are a single dude and do manage to sneak your little poop-butt up in here, you'll immediately be shown the door.
Toys - if you haven't brought any stimulating conversation with you in your fanny pack, you're out of luck. Unless you brought coke.
Age of clientele - think we've been over this. Oddly, this place strikes Visceralist as the last place you'd feel obligated to wear a sports-coat or blazer to, but apparently we're wrong. Dead wrong.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist was considering deleting this category out of concern for those who might be embarrassed by us highlighting the fact that this crowd is the least-dancingest, most-standingest...seriously, the electric slide or even a jumping jack would bring out the inner wallflower in this joint's entire history of clientele. SMFH.
Décor - classy. Like, even past Trump-classy.
Grimeyness - the bathrooms are somewhat in keeping with the neighborhood's ethos, but the rest of this place is relatively immaculate.
ID check procedure - booty-check procedure, more like.
Music medium, style & volume - yikes, you've officially caught Visceralist with our pants firmly down at our ankles and our wallet peeking partially out of the back pocket. Dang. There's no juke here, it's likely PA/iPod, but we honestly can't remember what type of ish they play.
Specials or most popular drink - specials/happy hours seriously unlikely. Visceralist is reminded of those unbearable statements like "If you have to ask, you can't afford it." Cunts.
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Bron Bron

Firefly

54 Spring St.
New York, NY 10012
212-966-8716

Bathroom situation - two in the middle of the damn joint, right next to where they punch in orders on those big busy-restaurant touchscreens (do they use these at like Aquavit too? Visceralist would NOT know). The men's has a stall and two urinals but it looked like the women's was single-person. Comments section, is that accurate?
Takes credit cards? - yes, but watch your damn bill lest they ring up some extra Amstels on the low-low and hope you don't notice. Really, Firefly? Is the recession that bad? Ain't that a bitch.
Crowded on weekends? - for realsies...this is maybe the only sports bar in SoHo and you know who actually hangs out in SoHo...so you know what it is. [ed. the hell does this mean?]
Seating - the typical bar-stool setup in front, but their backroom has seats like a muthafucka. It's actually set up like a regular ol' bullshit thai restaurant, but they have...whoops, lemme save that for later...
Neighborhood - cowboyin' the SoHo-Little Italy border, but still easily accesible by the 6 train, so go nuts.
Type of crowd - apparently, the type of cunts who either don't notice or don't care about the waiters adding a few so-and-so's to the bill at the end of the evening.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist feels that this category should be expanded to potentially include the wait-staff if need-be, but the Irish-accented host at this place was actually fairly reasonable, so we won't let a few bad apples...
Cost of Stella - according to my waitress, like $6...but who knows, really. That bill was denser than Cambodian algebra.
What time people start showing up - depends on what conference is playing...but like 8.
Bartender efficiency - given that it's likely you'll be in the back, which is wait-service, expect restaurant-type wait-service. Which is to say, you'll get impatient. Bring a flask.
Official Website - here. They describe themselves as a "Soho nightspot" and the site automatically plays house music. BUT. It does provide very solid directions. Also, its "Links" section (for what?) solely consists of the bar across the street's website.
Food? How late - full bar-food style menu with a surprisingly solid salad menu. Presumably goes all night. But, again, check to make sure your bill consists of stuff that you actually ordered.
TVs? What's on - OK, so this is actually one of the better sports-bars in the sub-Houston area. They feature a gang of huge-screens showing whatever the fuck they want. Like, they really have cable. That they pay for. Legally. And word is that they take requests. So you (sorta) get what you pay for. So chillax, brah.
Guy:girl ratio - this place isn't really feng shui enough to engender intermingling...BUT, if you happen to meet someone while waiting to use the restroom, there's maybe a 30% chance it'll be someone of the other gender (if you're a dude).
Toys - Los televisores. I televisi. Les televisiones. Plus romance.
Age of clientele - mid to upper-mid 20s. And yes, 24-year-olds...you're officially mid-20s. Life's over. Suck it up.
Space for dancing? - word around citysearch is that the backroom becomes a juke-joint later on at night, but Visceralist has yet to see any evidence of this. Leave the zoot suits and poodle-skirts at home till further notice.
Décor - leaning towards television-centric. Book-learners need not...
Grimeyness - for some reason this place is actually going for an upscale SoHo sports-bar trifecta that can never really work in practice. But still, du-rags get frowned upon.
ID check procedure - n/a. Plus, it's close to NYU. Too bad NYU's only varsity sport is triflin'.
Music medium, style & volume - the sound of MVP James doin' work isn't technically music, but it will ring out 'round these parts.
Specials or most popular drink - their website says their "happy hour is Mon-Fri"...which is so pathetic that Visceralist will leave it at that.
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Gallery Bar

120 Orchard St. (btw Delancey & Rivington)

New York, NY 10002
212-5292266

Bathroom situation - 3 single-human units upstairs, 2 downstairs. Downstairs isn't always open tho. These restrooms feature red lights so be prepared for things to look a lot cooler than they actually are. Presumably this is what it's like for Neo when he pisses.
Takes credit cards? - yes and with little-to-no malfeasance.
Crowded on weekends? - shit, yeah. They've even started in with the velvet rope shit and the Faizon Love-lookin bouncers. The fact that SVA's new dorms are around the corner isn't helping either.
Seating - few bar-stools, but a gang of space on the couches opposite the bar. Almost everyone stands here tho.
Neighborhood - the Disney-fied LES. There's an ATM outside next door. Like out on the street. Shows you how non-terrible this recession is so far...
Type of crowd - as Visceralist is a wannabe artist, you'd think we'd love it here cuz we're also wannabe-pretentious. But, no. The only difference between Gallery Bar and any other address in the meatpacking district is that it has apartments on top of it. So keep your damn voices down.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist is sure that no one's naive enough to think there aren't assholes in every cohort, no matter how high-falutin'...ipso facto...
Cost of Stella - fuck...they have the katana-shaped tap for Kirin beer here, so we'll have to get back to you on this...check our Twitter.
What time people start showing up - during the weekend, normal time. During the week, never.
Bartender efficiency - no wheels being re-invented here. Usually two at the upstairs bar which is wildly inefficient but somehow works out decently cuz most people who come here are too skinny to fuck with calories of any kind.
Official Website - here. A flash intro? Really? Is it 2004 out this bitch?! The site is actually wild decent, but they gets no love cuz of that shit.
Food? How late - the obvious joke here has something to do with aesthetic nourishment. Visceralist is so above that.
TVs? What's on - the downstairs portion of this place is set up like the kind of dive bar you'd expect a tv to be hanging up in the corner of, but no. Sadly, no.
Guy:girl ratio - 50 Cent had a mixtape song before he broke big called "I Smell Pussy." This was back in 2002, so clearly he's precognizant.
Toys - One of those old school photobooths that photographs of you and your pimples being tolerated by someone you bought a drink for. I Heart NY!
Age of clientele - young than a muthafucka. You know how you used to pay homeless dudes to buy you liqour and gave him a little premium? Cuz you were underage? So, yeah...
Space for dancing? - yeah and Visceralist actually has to raise the roof for this one. The DJs use Serato and the all those bs DJ tools on their macbooks, but the one good thing about the young artsy class is that they know from jams. Party in Miami!
Décor - so, a revolving cadre of artists' work on the walls. This joint's one redeeming quality is that they actually attract redeeming quality art. Mostly oil on canvas so far, but baby steps...
Grimeyness - despite the velvet rope, this place has a nice, frothy LES grimeyness that will not disappoint those who actually are too cool for this triflin' scene.
ID check procedure - given the 19-20 yr olds that stay gainin admittance to this shithole, you'd think they got that DL voucher from the NYPD that you only hear rumors about (shout out to Max Fish).
Music medium, style & volume - usually DJs spinnin something produced by Bangladesh, DanjaHandz or Heatmakerz. J/k, Visceralist's wishlist is not in the building. Expect MGMT and their ilk here.
Specials or most popular drink - according to their website, they have bottle service here. Told you my Meatpacking comparison was prescient.
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Fridge Nukin'

Damn, Pitchfork...a 5.7 for "Crime Pays" ?!?! I been should've known y'all fell off with that 6.0 for "Our Love to Admire." SMFH.

Sweet Paradise

14 Orchard Street (btw Hester & Canal)
New York, NY 10002
212-226-3612

Bathroom situation - used to have 3 in the back, but they recently turned one into an employees-only or some shit (the fuck?). The two remaining ones are ok if this was a straight-up dive bar...wild ghetto if this was a nouveaux LES gastropub (we're looking at you Allen & Delancey...with your triflin ass). Unfortunately, not much room to get with your bus' it baby.
Takes credit cards? - one of the few places that actually prides itself on not taking credit cards. Like seriously...expect to get smirked at if you ask.
Crowded on weekends? - hit or miss...alternates night to night from Cavs home-game capacity crowd to Rick Ross CD-signing.
Seating - 10ish stools at the bizzozero...5 booths in the back that seat about 5-6-7 each. Space for about 6 in each bathroom line (no seats tho).
Neighborhood - Visceralist wants to say LES, but really this is firmly within the confines of Chinatown. Plenty of new condos sprouting up in this part of Orchard St. tho so, you know...bus' it baby.
Type of crowd - the midly interesting mixed with the occasional hipster bachelorette party.
Pretentious/assholes - luckily, thanks to the spacially-enforced convivialty, not much of an issue. Plus, folks have been known to meet their next bus' it baby in the bathroom line.
Cost of Stella - don't have it here so Visceralist usually sneaks it in. Winter isn't an issue cuz our baller-ass coat with the fur trim on the hood has deep pockets. Summer, we use 3 flasks that we tie to our belt with rubberbands and hide under our shorts.
What time people start showing up - late than a mug...12ish? Again, it's hit or miss here so if you turn your back for a sec you might turn back around and have some sweaty slob's chest pressing into your shoulders trying to ask if he can use a credit card here. Or not.
Bartender efficiency - usually have 2-3 mad trife bartenders here who are actually good at their jobs. And they're assholes. As long as you don't make any special requests (like "can y'all stock some damn Stella out this bitch?"), you'll be fine.
Official Website - here. Far and away Visceralist's favorite NYC bar website. We love us some minimalism. Plus they have a list of all the albums on their jukebox (who the hell does that?).
Food? How late - yes, bizzarely, an assortment of movie candies. Not just for display.
TVs? What's on - nope. Focus on actually paying attention to your bus' it baby instead.
Guy:girl ratio - roughly 50:50. Guys take note, however, that any chicks here will likely be in a group of 4+. Meaning they WILL be talking about your receding hairline and how it likely means that your dick is the size/shape of a damn Tylenol gelcap. It's all good tho.
Toys - Jukebox kinda counts.
Age of clientele - those who think Justin Timberlake is the best SNL host - those who think Christopher Walken is. (fyi, the real answer is it's a tie between Jamie Foxx, Ray Romano & Steve Buscemi)
Space for dancing? - they actually have DJs here sometimes, but fuck no.
Décor - everything's black, but not goth-y black.
Grimeyness - as long as your bus' it baby doesn't mind, who gives a what what.
ID check procedure - surprisingly rigid. Don't roll up in here like it's that bullshit gas station where you had to slide the money under the thing and they didn't card (shout out to Duke's on High St. in Columbus).
Music medium, style & volume - jukebox, but Visceralist has a sneaking suspicion that they really pump the bartenders' ipods more often than not. Btw, we checked, they don't have Plies' "Bus' it Baby Part 2 feat. Ne-yo"
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour daily til 10pm, but it's the bullshit. Cream Ale? Really? That's what's hot?
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Crime Pays

"You're a passer...me, I got a scorish aura." - Cameron Giles