King Quentin - "Django Unchained" trailer

The "D" is silent

GMT

142 Bleecker St. (Btw Laguardia Pl & Thompson St)

NYC, NY 10012

(646) 863-3776

Bathroom situation - 2 in the back corner (helpfully illuminated with an old-timey “WC” globe light). They’re both clean as a whistle and have those “one faucet for hot and a separate one for cold” sinks that never annoy anyone and aren’t at all pointless and everyone loves and speaks of highly.
Takes credit cards? - (Tommy from Martin voice) Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh, daaaawwwwggggg...God, what a fuckin’ great show. Gonna go watch a few episodes on YouTube now, brb.
Crowded on weekends? - haha, Martin told someone to “Get to steppin’!” Classic.
Seating - long-ass bar like that one in the Saloon in Back to the Future III: Fuck Any Semblance of Time-Travelling Logic, We Gettin’ Money! Plus a smattering of tables in the “restauranty” section and an outdoor patio area with 10 or so tables along Laguardia Pl.
Neighborhood - it’s become a cliche to point out that it’s a cliche to talk shit about the part of Greenwich Village that’s firmly tucked under NYU’s taint. The Visceralist can do better, watch.
Pretentious/assholes - dear lord, yes. Also, Visceralist has seen more than one baby in this bar on more than one occasion. I’ve referenced David Cross’ excellent “There’s a baby...in the bar” bit numerous times before, but it’s just as true today as it was whenever he recorded Let America Laugh. I’d elaborate here, but it’s considered gauche in the comedy world to completely rehash another comedian’s bit, so just go buy the DVD.
Cost of Stella - $6 by the bottle, which is surprising because GMT regularly catches flack for over-charging for beer. They have roughly 30 different types on tap, most of which are imported and they’ll generally only run $1 more than market rate - and that’s if you can even find them anywhere else (which you can, but still).
What time people start showing up - they don’t typically attract a huge happy-hour crowd, but the dinner crowd can segue seamlessly into a large “Ok, let’s see...who’s hot in here? Hmmm, ok...who’s cute in here? Hmmm, ok...” crowd before you know it.
Bartender efficiency - they have to dress up here, which sucks, so I feel like I should cut them some slack, but last time Visceralist was here the bartender didn’t get my “So, do you have beer here?” joke, so do with that info what you will.
Official Website - here. It has a large photo of the bar at night and a “website coming soon” notice (this place has been open for over a year) and then a link to itself at the bottom. In retrospect, no wonder they didn’t get my awesome “Hey, uh...so y’all got any beer up in here?” joke.
Food? How late - yeah, big ass British pub-type menu with Scotch Eggs and everything.  
TVs? What's on - none immediately visible, but they do have a dropdown screen in the front window onto which they’ll project the occasional EPL football match or MLS soccer game.
Guy:girl ratio - because of the dim lighting they deploy here, it has the veneer of a “Hey, let’s just grab a drink, I know this new British pub-type spot in the Village. The bartenders have great senses of humor.” type date-spot.
Toys - last time Visceralist was here, the head bartender dude had the look of someone who’d probably yell out “Oy!” at me if I tried to “get cute” in his “establishment.” So I left the PUA magic tricks firmly tucked up under my cape that night. Swag.
Age of clientele - early 30s - early 40s if we had to guess.
Space for dancing? - a thousand times no. Don’t you even so much as.
Music medium, style & volume - dulcet and low-key. Unobtrusive and benign. Be easy and let’s chill. Sit down over here, girl, let me say my peace. You don’t like what I have to say or how I say it then I got the tab, your cab and I ain’t even mad. However. You do like they way I use my talk...then let’s get out of here, it’s too loud, and you’re too beautiful. Swag.
Specials or most popular drink - they have that expensive Macallan scotch by the shot.

Dixon Place

161 Chrystie (btw Delancey & Rivington)

NYC, NY 10002

(212) 219-0736

Bathroom situation - just past the lounge area which itself is just past the bar in front (on your right). There’s a communal unisex area with a shared basin that is abutted on its left and its right with 2 single-person closets each. So 4 total. Ladies, bear in mind that the far one on the left only contains a urinal, so unless you’re the kind of nasty girl who celebrates when the guy fingering you in the bathroom stops to pull his now blood-soaked fingers up to your face (like from epsiode 2 of Girls), then I suggest waiting for one of the other 3. Cuz that’s nasty.
Takes credit cards? - not at the bar, no. The area is replete with standalone ATMs, but Visceralist doesn’t fuck with them cuz of all those local news reports about card-skimmers which probably exaggerate the problem, but why risk it, just go to a bank. There’s a BofA and two Chase branches 3 blocks East on Delancey St.
Crowded on weekends? - so Dixon Place does double duty as a bar & theatre space. The performance space downstairs holds a gang of people, and as we all know, after the show it’s the after-party, and since there’s a bar right upstairs from the show, that’s where the after-party be at.
Seating - 10 or so stools around the bar and a large, mock-persian-carpeted area on the street-level. Seating for about 90 in the performance area.
Neighborhood - right on the LES/SoHo border so expect to get bypassed by yellow cabs and gouged by gypsy cabs. So fuck it, just move down here. 

Read the rest at NYPress.com.

Sons of Essex

133 Essex Street (btw Rivington & Stanton)

NYC, NY 10002

(212) 674-7100

Bathroom situation - Visceralist recently used the adjective “swanky” in a conversation with two art school seniors. They had no clue wtf I meant (and yeah, they actually spelled out “W-T-F”). Commenters, is Visceralist just getting old & flabby or was it just them being willfully ignorant? It was them, right? See, that’s what I thought. Anyway, the bathrooms at SoE are swanky as all get out.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernible minimum. The drinks here are fairly costly though, so perhaps it’s just never an issue cuz you hit it as soon as you even look at the drink menu (more on that later).
Crowded on weekends? - yes if consider the weekend to be Wed-Sun. If you’re getting dinner, then reservations is a must.
Seating - 10 or so stools at the bar, two long communal tables just opposite the bar, a restaurant-style setup w/ 10 or so tables in back. Fun fact! This spot used to be a shithole travesty called Mason-Dixon that featured a mechanical bull in the back. The “bullpen” area now features a sunken lounge with a DJ booth adjacent.
Neighborhood - the part of the LES that you take friends from out of town to in order to show off your big-city bonafides, you swanky scenester, you.
Pretentious/assholes - so SoE has chosen to employ this new faux-storefront gimmick that they most likely sharked from their across-the-street neighbor Beauty and Essex. Your out-of-town friends will likely find this to be pretty swanky, but I think we can all agree that, really, it’s kinda triflin’. 

Read the rest at NYPress.com

St. Jerome's

155 Rivington St. (btw Clinton & Suffolk)

NYC, NY 10002

(212) 533-1810

Bathroom situation - 2 in the way back part, both unisex. The one on the left is huge and tatted up. The one on the right has a missing doorknob, but it’s ok cuz the knob-hole has been filled in with duct tape and you can hold the door closed from the toilet if you have to sit down (so that’s a big “Phew!” for the ladies, I’d imagine).
Takes credit cards? - Yeah they do, but don’t do that. Speaking of don’t...how many folks out here thought it was “Downtown Abbey” for the longest?
Crowded on weekends? - oh hell yeah, fuckin’ right. Exhausting those max capacity signs is a must.
Seating - 4ish booths on the left wall, 8-10ish stools at the bar, and room for a small bachelor party in the bathroom on the left side. Oh yeah, as mentioned above, the one on the left is big. Plus it has a functional lock.
Neighborhood - so close to the heart of the LES that you may as well be suckin its tits on the subway (right, Blossom?).

Read the rest at NYPress.com.

Visceralist Review: King Ricky - "Derek"

Look at this fucking brilliant piece of surprisingly affecting shit.

The Weeknd Live!

Fucking finally. 4/25/12 at Music Hall of Williamsburg. 4/28/12 at Bowery Ballroom. Tickets on sale 4/12/12 at noon. Details here. Look at all that money!

Visceralist Review: The Kickdrums ' "Follow the Leaders"

Look at this fucking new piece of hot shit.

Download here.