Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Plan B

339 East 10th Street (Btw Ave. A & B) New York, NY 10079
(212) 353-2303

In a kinder world, the Yelp reviews of this shithole would be enough of a drubbing. They're seriously ridic to the point where some dude actually complained in his review about being roofied. But, like the guy who's towards the end of the line in a train-runnin and says to himself, "eh, might as well...I mean, this is what I came here for, right?" Visceralist just had to go in...

Bathroom situation
- two in the back, but don't worry about their condition cuz you won't be able to to reach either of them thanks to the impenetrability of the vacuum-compression that takes place in the "dance-floor" which separates you from the bathrooms at all times. Colostomies & catheters is a must.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but don't expect the poor bartenders here to be able to hear you indicate which card is yours over the din of folks screaming along to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (which Visceralist likes, incidentally).
Crowded on weekends? - (Desmond voice) You must be joking brotha. (/Desmond voice) If we may be so bold as to be genuine for a moment, this is really where Plan B just totally loses the plot. From the second you step inside to the second you leave (hopefully within the same minute), you'll involuntarily be nuts to butts (or, for the ladies, cunts to butts) with the sweaty scum of New York City. They have a bouncer, so they could conceivably manage this a bit better, but it was even like this well before The Great Recession, so the management is definitely to blame.
Seating - you will not.
Neighborhood - you know that scene in "KIDS" where the protagonists beat the shit out of that kid in Tompkins Sq. park? Well that took place right across the street from this place back in the 90s and in some ways Visceralist wishes the "crusties" who live there now would somehow recreate that inside of Plan B instead of toasting to GG Allin with box-wine all night long [ed. crusties? You're watching KIDS too much, grandad.].
Type of crowd - New Yorkers who are usually too young (and in some cases, too smart & savvy) to actually be up in here like it's all good.
Pretentious/assholes - you know that young German soldier in Inglorious Basterds who comes off all "aww-shucks" and charming in the beginning, but gets all date-rapey towards the end? Oh spoiler alert, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist will be damned if we ever sully Stella's beautiful reputation by associating them with this glorified frat hazing.
What time people start showing up - oh, people leave this place?
Bartender efficiency - in some ways Visceralist can't blame the bartenders here for their slowness...a lot of people here just have to get really drunk before they'll deign fuck someone who lists their favorite kind of music as "all different kinds." But on the other hand, most of the bartenders here are really good looking, so we're just instinctively jealous. :p
Official Website - here. They have a flyer up advertising a party from 8/6/09 and most of the candid photos are from 2004/2005. Visceralist can't blame bars for being so lazy when most of the other websites for bars in the neighborhood exhibit the same kind of complacence. But still...really?
Food? How late - no, but if they did have it, it would take so long for it to get to you that you'd already be in bed, awake the next morning and asking yourself exactly which Duane Reade to go to to avoid bumping into people you might know while you wait in line for the real Plan B. [ed. FYI, it costs $50]
TVs? What's on - don't think so.
Guy:girl ratio - possibly the only reason this place is still popular...the ratio is fairly even because of the same principle that let GWB get elected twice. Other people have said they're into it, so it must be decent, right?
Toys - for some guys here, grabbing the oblivious ass or tit that passes by in the hustle & bustle to get to the bathroom.
Age of clientele - old enough to know better, really now.
Space for dancing? - Not at all, but that stops no one. This is the secondary flaw with this place. The dance floor on most nights consumes the entirety of the square-footage to the point where it's just blech, blech, ugh, god, ugh, puke puke. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit [ed. you degenerate].
Grimeyness - Eh, not that bad.
ID Check Procedure - it's not so much an ID check at the door as much as it's a "who you wit?" check. It seems like 90% of this place's clientele is here for Emma or Erik's bday party anyway, so if you're actually coming here just to chill, then you're not coming in here.
Music medium, style & volume
- the quintessential Top 40 playlist...not a bad thing as long as Timbaland's done something interesting lately.
Specials or most popular drink - despite what Yelp says, they apparently are 50% everything from 5-10pm.

View Larger Map

No comments: