Thursday, January 29, 2009


41 1st Avenue (btw 2nd & 3rd)
New York, NY 10003
(212) 677-0437

Bathroom situation
- 2 in the back. Both gutter as all hell, which is surprising cuz the rest of the bar is wild acceptable. Do NOT come here if your Bs have to M.
Takes credit cards? - Joyfully.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but in the warmer months the outdoor backyard area mitigates this considerably.
Seating - 10ish seats at the bar, 3 small tables in the front, 1 booth in the back. In the summer, however, this is one of the best outdoor bars in NYC cuz their back yardie-yard is the truth. Ample seating and acceptable wait service.
Neighborhood - A short jog away from both a Hells Angels lodge and an NYPD precinct.
Type of crowd - comprised of those who can afford beers that (a) are from continents without the word "America" in them and (b) don't advertise in magazines. [ed. that's supposed to be funny?]
Pretentious/assholes - attracts its fair share of bald(ing) men, so if they are jerks they at least have a reason. With their bald ass. Which reminds us, Kevin Hart has claimed that Jamie Foxx "draws his hair." Is this a thing? He also claims that if movie studio execs figured out where Jamie Foxx's hairline really starts, he would stop getting movie roles. Killt it.
Cost of Stella - for all the fucking beers they have here (and they do have a gang of them), they don't have Stella. Baffling. They usually recommend Jever as a substitute, but really...
What time people start showing up - somehow this place is always well attended.
Bartender efficiency - the chick bartenders here are unreasonably hot, so you know how that goes...
Official Website - here. Quite adept. Plus it features a live webcam that's pointed at the front of the bar. Watch dudes get rejected in stop-motion!
Food? How late - no, likely cuz their drink menu is so big that it takes up all the room they might use to store chicken fingers.
TVs? What's on - won't be able to see LeBron chalking it up here, doc.
Guy/girl ratio - judging from the webcams current viewpoint, 70/30.
Toys - the backyard seems suitable for some horseplay or rough-housing or mischief or cavorting, but otherwise nope.
Age of clientele - late 20s plus old-heads.
Space for dancing - no, this is more like the kind of place where you come after you've been dancing to relax and roast that one desperate guy who was trying to grind on a bunch of different girls. Even the fugly girls wanted nothing to do with his lonely ass. Kill yourself, doc.
Décor - most of the effort has clearly been thrust into the chalkboard drink-list, but it's still fairly upstanding.
Grimeyness - decent...the bathrooms are an outlier.
ID check procedure - Conducted competently on the weekends. Otherwise negligible.
Hood specificity - The part of the EV that thinks its gully...needs to take a trip over to Pitt St.
Music medium, style & volume - Ignorable.
Specials or most popular drink - too lazy to check the website, but presumably your standard nonsense.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Magician

118 Rivington St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 673-7881

Bathroom situation
- a paltry 2 in the back which are regularly insufficient. The men's has a urinal and a stall with old west saloon swinging doors (the fuck?) and the women's is a one-person. If you have ovaries and you plan on spending a significant portion of your nite here, I suggest bringing a ziploc bag or catheter or something here cuz the line can get really unfortunate.
Takes credit cards? - Nah, brah.
Crowded on weekends? - the joint's main weak-spot. Your drink will be introduced to your shirt and it will be awkward.
Seating - Inexplicably, this place has a gang of tables, chairs and bar stools but you can never find one when you need one on the weekends. Any other time, you'll have no trouble finding a place to rest your wide American ass 2 feet off the floor.
Neighborhood - Part of the LES that wishes it was off the radar, but so isn't.
Type of crowd - allegedly this is known as THE "blogger bar" where the elite of the can't-have-real-relationships crowd meet to chop it up about how "dope" it is to sit on their wide American asses and clown on poor people.
Pretentious/assholes - lots of wool pea coats here in the winter...draw your own conclusions.
Cost of Stella - not sure...Visceralist is leaning towards Heineken more these days anyway.
What time people start showing up - relatively early at 9ish.
Bartender efficiency - tend to be real anal here about ignoring you if you dare try to wave them over. Visceralist can sorta sympathize, but still...
Official Website - no official site, but a goodly amount of reviews by the usual suspects. We have to interject tho: NYC bars, you are playing yourself by not having your own website. It'll usually show up as the #1 Google item and it's your biggest chance to convince out-of-towners that you still have some cred. And you know you can charge them whatever you want and they'll chalk it up to "damn, shit is wild expensive in NYC...had a great time tho..."
Food? How late - nah, and even if they did it'd prolly be some brokeass pita bread they'd charge you bruschetta prices for.
TVs? What's on - no, but most people here have iPhones so just ask them to pull up the "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" video up on YouTube if you get bored.
Guy/girl ratio - sleazeballs, creeps, stalkers and douches take note: this may be the one place in the LES that's regularly 50/50. Visceralist leaves it up to y'all to fix this.
Toys - nathan but the bizzooze.
Age of clientele - solidly 20s-early 30s. Your coming-from-a-broken-home anecdotes will not go unappreciated here.
Space for dancing - unless your dancing your hand into someone's back pocket to grab their wallet and do-see-do their dough, then no. It gets too crowded.
Décor - wannabe classy-chic. Really tho it's just that the lights are too dim to see how depressingly bleak it is in here.
Grimeyness - sufficiently-impress-a-first-date-able.
ID check procedure - Sometimes conducted by someone who looks like his side-project band's bout to play their first gig a block away.
Hood specificity - ELES(?)
Music medium, style & volume - comes from the ether, but is usually mildly annoying.
Specials or most popular drink - pshaw

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Cherry Tavern

441 E. 6th St. (btw 1st Ave & Ave A)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 777-1448

Given that this blog has now got some serious burn vis a vis its Twitter feed claiming the #1 spot when one Googles "Visceralist" (here), we hereby present Visceralist's official review of its favorite bar. Expect all-time level quality and eat a dick, bitch.

Bathroom situation
- 2 in the back, men's has a urinal and a seaty-pooper and women's has a toillette (sans bidet). The mens generally gets doubled up and will feature an unsurprising half-inch layer of piss on the floor. Only the womens has a lock.
Takes credit cards? - I mean, they'll take it...literally.
Crowded on weekends? - uff da, yes! It can get a little crizzampo'd but rarely gets ridicko.
Seating - 10ish stools around the bar, 2 tables in the front, 1 booth just past the juke, and 2 tables in the back. Expect to practice good posture.
Neighborhood - The poorman's East Village. Not to be confused with the layman's East Village.
Type of crowd - fairly gully at most times but with a nice, even conglomeration of both fuckups and losers.
Pretentious/assholes - yes, on the weekends. These are the ones who make it not worth visiting on the weekends.
Cost of Stella - no esta aqui, pero...your basic selection of low-rent beer.
What time people start showing up - ha, specifically between 10:30pm - 11:30pm...if no one's there betwixt these hours, it's one of their (many) off nights.
Bartender efficiency - friggin freakin acceptable.
Official Website - n/a, which is very much in keeping with its adorable off-kilter atmosphere.
Food? How late - nope, and don't bring any.
TVs? What's on - one TV in the corner above the pool table, usually tuned to Cartoon Network or Public Access. And sometimes this.
Guy/girl ratio - nice and comfortable for both genders.
Toys - a pool table with an erstwhile sign-up sheet that gets happily disregarded. The jukebox is the real heartbeat of the joint tho.
Age of clientele - ages 8 - 108 (like MadLibs).
Space for dancing - Don't think they don't have "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" on the juke anyway, so who gives a fuck?
Décor - puts the "jive" in "dive bar"
Grimeyness - pic next to dictionary entry.
ID check procedure - Competent.
Hood specificity - The cool part of the EV you still can't afford to live in.
Music medium, style & volume - Generally comes via the juke, but beware of this: you'll put your money in and won't hear your songs for a good 30-45 mins. So select "Say Hello to the Angels" BEFORE you order your booze.
Specials or most popular drink - Can of Tecate beer + shot of house tequila for $5 daily. Will totally ruin/augment your night.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dark Room

165 Ludlow St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 353-0536

Bathroom situation
- the bar's divided up into two rooms, right & left. The left has 2 unisex bathrooms in the back. The right has two larger multi-person bathrooms in the back. Now, this is an obvious joke, but the lines involved with these bathrooms have nothing to do with queues.
Takes credit cards? - yes, though you may want to hang on to at least one card for its powder-organizing capabilities.
Crowded on weekends? - even though this place has fallen in and out of being cool and been closed by the cops and re-opened more times than Visceralist dares think about, it still apparently retains some charm...for those seeking permissive bars.
Seating - several nice pleather-padded booths in both rooms. Scant chairs at the bar.
Neighborhood - the bosom of the LES.
Type of crowd - let's just say that if Young Jeezy is actually anything like the persona he portrays in his 2005 masterpiece album "Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101" he could prolly make more money here on a Saturday night than he's making through music.
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, but who isn't when they're this wasted. Seriously, they have a "Must be this fucked-up out of your mind to enter" sign on the front.
Cost of Stella - not sure if they have this here actually...tho they prolly do.
What time people start showing up - this place is either totes dead or dumb crowded depending on the day, but you'll usually be able to tell which type of nite it's gonna be by 11pm.
Bartender efficiency - on the crowded nites, 2-3 bartenders at both bars. It can get a little tricky, but people generally focus on dancing, bullshitting or bathrooming so it's not too bad.
Official Website - n/a, but for some reason Zagat saw fit to review this blight.
Food? How late - no, but if you're here you're most likely on SOME kind of appetite-suppressant, so...
TVs? What's on - no TVs, but you wouldn't be able to pay attention to them anyway, so fuck it.
Guy/girl ratio - 50/50 we think.
Toys - most people bring their own.
Age of clientele - there's a reason this place stays getting shut down...actually multiple reasons.
Space for dancing - Yeah, there's actually some decent jiggy-gettin on the weekend. This is Visceralist's favorite dance, btw.
Décor - Not as dark as the name suggests.
Grimeyness - you know what it is.
ID check procedure - Actually fairly strict here and sometimes have one of those ID card swiper joints. Meh.
Hood specificity - This IS your granddad's LES.
Music medium, style & volume - Usually a DJ and usually 80s, but still extra decent.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour: no one comes here during happy hour.

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The Skinny

174 Orchard St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-3668

Bathroom situation
- 2 unisex bathrooms in the back, both of which are moderately tore down but still BJ-able.
Takes credit cards? - yes, though keep in mind if you forget it there, they don't open up til 5pm the next keep some PowerBars at your place just in case you have to hustle out quickly in order to impress someone, but still wind up going home alone and don't have any money the next day [ed. TMFI].
Crowded on weekends? - psshaw....yes.
Seating - fyi, this is a very narrow bar with 8 or so seats in the front, followed by a long bar with 10-12 seats and a lounge area in the back (near the stinky bathroom, pew) which seats roughly another 10. There is an upstairs area that has a few more seats but they're usually taken cuz the billiards-playing table is up there.
Neighborhood - it's on one of the two blocks in the LES that's still in mid-gentrification mode.
Type of crowd - the quintessentially non-descript.
Pretentious/assholes - nothing to worry about here. Except near the bathroom which can get dicey if there's a line and you see two girls come out together after being in one of the bathrooms for 10 damn minutes, fuckin heffas.
Cost of Stella - wanna say $6ish...
What time people start showing up - 11ish, only on the weekend tho.
Bartender efficiency - they usually have two working the spigots, but because the bar is so narrow near the bar, it gets uncomfortably and frustratingly tight easily. Best bet is to try to stick near one of the ends. But don't wave at the bartenders, stick with the eye contact and that smile your mom loves to see.
Official Website - here. Fairly streamlined, info on weekly "parties" & drink special prices. Plus a gallery that takes forever to load and isn't worth it.
Food? How late - no, but don't think they'd hate on you if you brought in a couple slices from Rosario's across the street (best pizza in the LES, btw).
TVs? What's on - no TVs, but they sometimes project old cult movies or their friends' video art projects on the wall.
Guy/girl ratio - 55/45.
Toys - Pool table in the little loft upstairs. But the real payday is the multi-game tables in the front which have this 4x4 tic-tac-toe shit and other good shit to keep you from actually connecting with your friends.
Age of clientele - 19 year olds looking for sugar-daddies and the 40-somethings who rent toupees for the weekend that are willing to oblige.
Space for dancing - Oh hell no. Crazy too what with all the "parties" they "throw."
Décor - Deep, dark red. Yet oddly inviting.
Grimeyness - you know how lazy 20-something guys only brush their teeth like 3 times a week or when they have something important to go to? Think of that as an analogy here.
ID check procedure - Ever-present bouncer. Visceralist DOES NOT suggest bribing him with delicious Rosario's pizza if you're underage.
Hood specificity - If you're familiar with the Short North in Columbus, it's sorta like that.
Music medium, style & volume - god damn, how Visceralist wishes they would play some music with an 808 in it every now and then. But they don't. They do play a lot of 70s-80s indie/brit rock tho.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour: $3 well drinks - $3 bud, bud light - $4 Red stripe, Stella and all other bottle beers. $1 off all other drinks (5-9p).

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