Friday, January 22, 2010

Essex Ale House

179 Essex Street (btw Houston & Stanton)
New York, NY
(212) 505-6027

Bathroom situation
- read the photo above and weep. And that's the only one. Smh.
Takes credit cards? - allegedly.
Crowded on weekends?- this place is so tiny that if it's just the bartender in here (which is usually the case) then it's fuckin packed like the Times Square Red Lobster on a Saturday night (RIP Ultimate Fondue btw).
Seating- like 8 or 9 stools at the bar and that about it. Before the relatively recent renovation, they had a few more tables in the middle, but they replaced them with a billiards table. As far as Visceralist knows, no one's had sex on this pool table (big, throbbing, wet shouts out to Alligator Lounge).
Neighborhood - Damn, Wayne just said "Took the brains out the whip / now it don't make no sense." Pulitzer much!?
Pretentious/assholes- it'll sometimes catch some spillover from the nearby Element nightclub (which, you know...), but the stuntin is usually kept to a minimum.
Cost of Stella - $6 and bottle only. FML.
What time people start showing up - *crickets*
Bartender efficiency - decent.
Official Website - none, so here's the Yelp site. It (a) still says the bar is closed and (b) features one of the most pretentious Yelp reviews Visceralist has ever seen (which is saying something). Commenters, guess which one it is.
Food? How late - if you're saying that Red Lobster's Ultimate Fondue wasn't the shit, then the truth ain't in ya.
TVs? What's on - yes, they have an old-school joint that still gets the Ed Sullivan show somehow. Rilly big shoe.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll have better luck at's right around the corner.
Toys - pool table that's prolly broke (witchya broke ass).
Age of clientele - skews older. Like the age-range where you have a favorite Good Times episode.
Space for dancing? - it's so drab here that you may fall asleep and have visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, but other than that, no.
ID Check Procedure - do you have hands? Do you have a face? Then it wasn't me! Then you're in.
Music medium, style & volume
- we here at Visceralist have never in our whole cotton-pickin lives ever been to a bar in (Old El Paso commercial voice) New York City that hasn't had some kind of music playin in the background, but dagnabbit...
Specials or most popular drink- though this place pitches itself as one of those bars that's known for it's large beer selection, it ain't (as noted in a certain incredibly pretentious Yelp review).

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