Thursday, January 14, 2010

Home Sweet Home

131 Chrystie Street (btw Broome & Grand)
New York, NY
(212) 226-5708

Bathroom situation
- people come up to us all the time [ed. like all the damn time] like "Hey, Vissy...h-how come you start every review talking about the bathroom, huh? Ewww for days." Well, mostly cuz of places like Home Sweet Home. Spoiler alert, but we really like this place, but unfortunately the restrictive bathroom setup can put a damper on even the most orgy'd-up night. There's 2 here, a ladies & gents. The men's has a stall and 2 urinals. The women's may have more than one stall, but cot damn the chicks here stay in the queued-up stance. Who wants to wait in the stinky part of a bar all night while their friends are back there having fun, hitting on their significant others? Huh? Exactly.
Takes credit cards?- don't let the basement location or the scent of mold creep-creepin up from the other side of the couch cushions fool you....they do take credit cards here (shout out to those old-school click-clackers).
Crowded on weekends?- dear Lord yes. More crowded than the Lost Meetup group's get-together for the premiere on 2/2/10 (which is apparently capped at 97, goddammit).
Seating- so apparently this place smells of some kind of musk which most people attribute to the old-school (like some shit that was around back when Darwin was busy being right) couches that, incidentally, feel great after you've been standing up all night. Visceralist is gettin old. Get off our lawn and put Leno back on, carn-sarnnit!
Neighborhood- the tippy-toe of the LES, but still firmly the LES. Yes, even despite all the Chinese lettering dotting the scaffolding of its neighbors.
Pretentious/assholes- some folks seem to think that by virtue of the fact that they're inside this place, they've successfully navigated the lower east side's "secret handshake" and are thereby immunized from your prototypical hipster's scorn (Is hipster still a meme in '10?). Visceralist is above all this, however, cuz we're perpetually on that next shit.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was comped here last time we went, so we didn't bother with this swill.
What time people start showing up- (Seth Meyers voice) Really? Julian Casablancas is playing Terminal 5 solo? Really? The Living Room upstairs was booked that night? Really?
Bartender efficiency - you won't get jerked around as much as you'd expect.
Official Website - here. How does that joke go in Funny People? Fuck MySpace in the space? Yeah, that's how it goes.
Food? How late - they have some taxidermy on the walls but it's always undercooked.
TVs? What's on - raspberry noise.
Guy:girl ratio - close to 50/50, but sometimes this place leans goth-y [ed. that's still a thing?]. Nothing worth a second look though.
Toys- last time Visceralist was here, we saw some chick writing perfectly legibly on a napkin in backwards English. Yes, backwards...mirror shit. Asked if her name was Alice, but she was like "There's an embargo on reviews till February." [ed. uugggghhh.... that's a joke? (Amy Poehler voice) Really?]
Age of clientele - no one here has ever even heard of Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
Space for dancing? - fuck yes, and this is where this spot really shines. The dance floor is small as shit, near the shitters, and gets packed as fuckin constipated shit, but somehow it still manages to be fun. Don't even bother with the Right Guard Xtreme Dry, cuz it will hobo out on your ass like its name was "Don Draper."
ID Check Procedure- the bouncers here don't go for the okey-doke, so don't come 'round here perpetratin'....unless you like gettin' tossed in the air like some damn pizza dough.
Music medium, style & volume
- overrated DJs.
Specials or most popular drink - How dare you? You know how lucky you are you even got in here?

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