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Visceralist Podcast - Happy New Year!

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Visceralist Podcast - Continues to Be a Valid Concern!

Visceralist Podcast - Still a Thing!

36 Episodes of That!

Visceralist Podcast - Episode 6

No politics in this one! We cover! Chappelle on SNL, Dr. Strange and the movie spoiler industry, College Football, The Existence of Bigfoot, inside jokes we have with our friends including on that's been running since 2007!

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Visceralist Podcast - Episode 5

New shit! We really get into the muck and the mire on this one, folks! Listen it up!

Here.

Visceralist Podcast - Episode 4

New podcast! We cover Ohio State Football, NBA, Westworld, Is Your Smartphone Listening to You?, 7/11s & Street Fighter 2!

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Visceralist Podcast - Episode 3

Good audio quality!

Here.

New Podcast

2 Episodes already in the can! Apologies for the audio weirdness. I promise that the next one will get better! Thanks!

Soundcloud

The Johnson's

Bathroom situation - fuckin' hell it's been a while since we've gotten into this nonsense. Let's see if we still have the touch...we're all set up: 3 for $6 tall-boys of Bud Light, dance music blaring through the earbuds into my tinnitus (Jack U's "Where Are You Now" at the moment), and a brain full of shit-talkin' that's gots to gets out our head and onto the net. They have 2 bathrooms here. Both single-person. [ed. Oof]

Crowded on weekends? - yeah, yo. It's a lot bigger than it's LES counterpart, so it doesn't seem to get ugly, itchy, dirty crowded, which is nice, yo. Lots of over-the-shoulder looking around, then rejoining the conversation to be had here. 

Seating - plenty, and they have some weird hammock-like shit in the front. Hopefully misogyny isn't dripping over this next point, but: chicks be sitting in that for attention. There, we said it!

Neighborhood - to say this part of Bushwick is steady gentrifying is as boring as saying that Trump is gonna actually win the '16 thing. He fucking is actually gonna win! Fuck! I don't want that cut to win, but yo!

Pretentious/assholes - our boy that's a doctor spent like 45 mins talking to this crew of chicks on his own while we were surveilling from the distance cuz we be bitch made. They all had boyfriends or something.

Cost of Stella -as it was in 2013, it's still $6 in 2015, thank god. But like, it seems like it should be less here. They do have some random beer that's like $2 on Fridays, which is pretty dope, but it feels like there's still some kind of edge when it comes to that here.

What time people start showing up - ok, so we can accurately attest to this cuz our boy BoBo has starting doing this thing where he wants to go to hellafied spots early on the weekend. Having done it a few times, it is actually kinda dope cuz you can surveill the spot and bounce if it looks like it's gonna be a bunch of interlopin' nerdlingers all night. So give it a try.

Bartender efficiency -no complaints here. They had 2 of them running full steam during rush hour. Funny, we were with our boy born/raised in QNS, and he had no problem being a complete dick to the bartender. We here at Visceralist Inc. don't truck that tho, so. He wasn't with us.

Official Website - you can find it [ed. maybe we should X this line?]

The rest of the criteria -will be back next time. We just wanna celebrate that we fucking back, yo!

Happy New Year!

Beverly's

21 Essex Street (btw Division & Rutgers)

New York, NY 10002

no phono

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person honey bucks in the back on the right. There’s one in the way-back that has a quasi-hidden sliding door. Charming pink decor in both, which we can only assume is an homage to Pink Panther-era King Killa. Suck it or not!

Crowded on weekends? - this spot is still deliciously new and, though it’s firmly ensconced in the LES, is still on some “you gotta know someone in the know to even know about this shit” shit. This’ll likely change come this summer, but fuck, it’ll be Summer in NYC - the time of year when frowns and grumpys run off to some corner of Queens to hibernate. Exposed dentals is a must.

Seating - a big ol’ booth in the front, 10ish stools along the bar and a Spades setup in the back.

Neighborhood - the only part of the LES left to develop, really. May have to walk uptown a bit to catch a late-night cab...unless you’re, you know...entitled. Or, even better, entittied. And white.

Pretentious/assholes - we’ve had a few bolos roll up on us and start it up with us with that “Dude, i’m just trying to talk to you...” shit. Drunken bolo’s of NYC, here’s a thing: no one actually has to listen to you. You can’t get incensed when someone says to you, “Ok, we’re done here.” and turns back to the conversation they were having before you tsunami’d your way over here like it was all good. Go die somewhere.

Cost of Stella - not yet, but that’s not a “forever no” like the possibility of an Arrested Development feature film is (trust us, it’s really not a good idea anyway).

What time people start showing up - Cheers was always like the perfect amount of full at all times, right? Not sayin’. Just sayin’.

Bartender efficiency - fully decent. Because of the narrow nature of Beverly’s floorplan, there’s not much room around the bar, which cleverly, naturally reduces any crowding, eye-rolling, bumping or “Hey, why’d that singer-from-Korn-lookin’ suckfuck get his drink before me?” type of bullshit.

Official Website - here. A lot of it is still “coming soon” (GROAN!!!), but we still see what they did there...

Food? How late - they have art exhibits and shit here from time to time, which is something to “oh, nice” about.

TVs? What's on - this season of Mad Men’s focus on infidelity is a welcome change of pace and all, but can they at least for a second acknowledge that the triflin’-ass dirtbags of the 60’s knew of and engaged in positions other than missionary? Would it kill them to have a salad tossed or a tower Eiffeled?

Guy:girl ratio - real talk: how do the hot-ass tall chicks of NYC hear about all these swaggy new joints as soon as they open? Marketing is the easy answer, but there’s gotta be something more, right?

Toys - the ATM outside, which you’ll be headed to if you didn’t adequately prepare for the bartender’s 1-sentence speech that goes “Oh, sorry, we don’t take credit cards.” And that’s how you feed your joke a sentence, bitch! No charge.

Age of clientele - turning 30 is nothing. It’s 31 that’ll make you feel like you chose the wrong cup from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Space for dancing? - there is a little spot just past the end of the bar where you can go to show the chicks that you know more couplets from 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” than just “All I want for my birthday is a big-bootie ho.” Sing/Rap along! Awwwwww...

Music medium, style & volume - all types of ill shit.

Specials or most popular drink - not sure - hopefully the “Coming Soon” part of the Menu section on their site will tranform into “Free booze for trill-ass muthafuckas” at some point...keep checking back. 

Tender Trap

245 S. 1st St (btw Roebling & Havemeyer)

Brooklyn, NY 11211

(347) 763-1825

Bathroom situation - there may be others, but we’ve only ever seen the one in the back corner on the left. Shit is bombed-out & depleted, but never seems to be much of a line, despite its proximity to the dance floor. And that’s even when it’s thick with booty-meat up in here, which is always and forevermore.
Takes credit cards? - yes, with a $20 min.
Crowded on weekends? - fuck a muckabuck, yes. Visceralist rolled by here on a recent Friday night and it was like packed like a live-action Keith Haring mural. And though we still wanted to bum rush up in there and get our shit all the way off cuz the spot is that serious, the other brodies in our crew at the time were all like, “Waah...don’t wunna...” Hs were S’d.
Seating - a couple booths up front and an exquisite dearth of stools near the bar. So if you’ve managed to get one, don’t turn your head too far to the left, cuz the next man’s gonna swerve right, yoink your seat and you’ll find your Fatty Arbuckle on the ground, wondering why you ever moved to NYC in the first damn place.
Neighborhood - don’t let the “S” in their address fool you, this is firmly in the “Yo! The Mouse Trap board game I ordered off eBay just came in! Can’t wait to get this up on the bookshelf!” part of Williamsburg.
Pretentious/assholes - we’ve only been actually approached by (a) some chick in neon blue snowpants (w/ suspenders) & (b) some bolo who was all like, “Yo, you want some coke?” (possibly on some 21 Jump Street ish), but neither really annoyed us, so think we’re good.
Cost of Stella - they don’t have it on tap here, which is really the only drawback of this otherwise magical spot.
What time people start showing up - we recently showed up here after a late Saturday dinner at the nearby (and tasty d-liteful) Rye and it was dead for about the time it took us to take our seats and turn our heads to the left. Soon as they got back centered, it was fuckin' party time and it was official.
Bartender efficiency - the area around the bar is pretty narrow, which leads to some not so insignificant traffic jammin, but the bartenders know their business and go about it with some considerable aplomb. So tip them early and often, you...
Official Website - here. Phone number, email, address & hours. And that’s it. Just the way poppa likes it. Now come ‘ere...
Food? How late - booty meat. Served all night lawng.
TVs? What's on - if you don’t get the fuck with that bull...boy, if you came in here hoping to catch some episodes of the Larry Sanders Show on some ironic shit, then you need to just get all the way out of our fuckin’ sight by yesterday, fuck-o’clock. And fuck you too. And your breath stinks.
Guy:girl ratio - and this is why you come to the new set of cool bars in BK. Honestly, if your late-night plans include going to places where you can even see the Manhattan skyline, then you lost before you got started, B.
Toys - if one of you commenters could PayPal us here at Visceralist one of those new 4K TVs so we can finally play some goddamn Halo 4, that’d be great, just real great. Kthxbb.
Age of clientele - that part of your 20s when you can say “Eh, I’ll start focusing on my career next month...” and actually get away with it. Which hopefully extends into your 30s.
Space for dancing? - shit, where to start with this one? On the weekends they have the twerk team up on the bar, gettin’ it crackin’ like if the “Rumpshaker” video had a fuckin’ baby with 2 Chainz’ “Birthday” video.
Music medium, style & volume - any song that’s ever had the word “Booty” in the title and any of the songs that would come up if you put any of those first batch of songs as the seed song in your Pandora.
Specials or most popular drink - psh...dutty wine, prolly. Shit, just get your booty here.

Tandem

236 Troutman (btw Wilson & Knickerbocker Aves)

Brooklyn, NY 11237

(718) 386-2369

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person WCs in the hallway between the main front space and the back fun space. Much like the terrible Schillers, they have a shared sink in the bathroom area. And yeah, it probably seems random that we’d just reach out there like Mr. Fantastic to slap Schiller’s in their triflin’ mouth for no apparent reason, but trust us, there’s a reason. Email us for details. 
Takes credit cards? - oh yes they did do it. Speaking of which, a friend of Visceralist’s who is really a friend that exists and has a girlfriend on twitter and a Nigerian trust fund and all those normal things that people have when they’re real and you’ve had brunch with them and stuff. So, anyway, this friend was wondering how one would go about checking their credit report score cuz they never have before and apparently (according to their real words that they spoke in person) they want to apply for a new job and they heard that employers be checkin’ on that shit now. Commenters, help us out?
Crowded on weekends? - so even tho this place has been around for over a year, it’s just recently cropped up on Visceralist’s radar, which means that the cool kids are finishing up with it, which means that the bolo hordes will be here ad nauseum come summer 2013.
Seating - so this spot is a restaurant during those useless, boring hours before party time, so they have a bunch of tables and chairs in front. There’s a random side room just past the bathrooms as well for private parties and suchlike.
Neighborhood - the part of Bushwick that thinks it’s on that new hot shit, but apparently forgot to think about the fact that Bed-Stuy is where the new hot shit really been occurring at lately.
Pretentious/assholes - not at first blush, but we’ve already heard reports of people’s coats getting jacked the fuck out the backroom. Granted, it’s foolish to just toss your coat up against the wall and expect the honor system to have its foot on the night’s neck, but if you’re still stealing coats in Obama’s America, you are officially an asshole, yes.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was buying for the crew for some reason last time we were here, so we were on all-PBR-everything status in a very real way.
What time people start showing up - STOP EVERYTHING: someone(s) on the internet is stupid: the Illuminati fixation? If they exist and they’re as powerful as y’all straw-men say, then what is your JPG-zoomin’ YouTube clip gonna do about it? Raise awareness? Awareness has had its feet up on the coffee table for the past forever, man. Real orgs that exist like City Harvest could really use your time & energy too, man.
Bartender efficiency - top-notch, no qualifiers.
Official Website - here. We had to update Adobe Reader on the Visceralist HQ Hal 2000 in order to check out their menu, which was decidedly unworth it. That’s a check-minus, Tandem.  
Food? How late - if a quick perusal of Tandem’s Yelp reviews are to be believed, the brunch here is on point like calming, late-night hugs from momma. Visceralist hasn’t woken up in time for brunch since we were getting calming, late-night hugs from momma, so we can’t really offer up an opinion on this one.
TVs? What's on - it is kinda interesting how having even a single flat-screen in a bar can change the vibe from easy, late-80s r&b cool into a head-slapping, late-80s, Zach Morris Cuntachella. Anyway, this place doesn’t have any.
Guy:girl ratio - pretty even. Which, btw, commenters, what’s up with that revelation in Ep 8 of House of Cards? The way they downplayed it, hmmm....
Toys - as mentioned above, the bathroom has a communal sink which, if you’re charismatic enough, could be turned into a funny, meet-cute splash party scene from like an early ‘00s Bollywood movie. Just sayin’!
Age of clientele - mostly those that are just sipping gingerly on their 30s.
Space for dancing? - fuck, yo. So this is where Tandem really comes out to play. The backroom dance party is what makes the considerable trip out to this spot worthwhile. 2 Chainz’ “Birthday Song” has never sounded so ill. Plus they have laser lights like that MJ “Rock With You” vid.
Music medium, style & volume - see above.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, this place is gonna blow up this summer, just remember where you heard it first.

Shitty Video Reconsidered: Limp Bizkit - "Nookie"

As aggravating as it is to everyone involved, sometimes you're right to be preemptively defensive about your personal tastes. Some unpopular things are fucking worth it. Limp Bizkit isn't one of these things, but I'll be goddamned if they don't make for a decent bloggy cudgel in this regard. And yeah, we all know, dude throws the same "and I'm the only one..." cadence in every song, but damn, this North-Florida bolo found a way to make millions off that shit. And you mad. So here's why you're wrong, as evidenced by a fantastic analysis of the video for their best song, "Nookie."

0:00 - Ok, so yeah they only got signed to a major (Universal) on the strength of a cover - which is trifling, but shit, YOLO, so get it how you get it. Anyway, "Nookie" is a cheapy video by major label standards. The camera filter probably cost more than all of the extras combined.

0:31 - Durst "directed" this shit with his ego-maniacal ass, and it shows. He is all in the video. He did do a solid job of synching his diddy-boppin-through-the-streets scenes with the beat tho.

0:33 - First shot of Wes Borland, who's also pop-lockin to the beat. So, ok, I'll just come out and say it, Wes-dawg and his costumes and his variable guitar tunings were the only thing giving this band any kind of legitimacy. Apologies in advance for using this lazy trope, but he was the Andre 3000 to Durst-dawg's Big Boi. But only sorta. Borland's solo and side project stuff is an offense to both the bass and treble clef and it's clear that Durst-dawg was an indefatigable fixer, sculpting WB's indulgences into something one could happily diddy-bop to. And it worked!

Read the rest at Put That Shit on the List.

Two Bit's Retro Arcade

153 Essex St (between Stanton & Rivington)

New York, NY 10002

(212) 477-8161

Bathroom situation - just one in the back around the corner. It’s spacious and secluded enough to fuck your fuck on up in there, but some of the graf on the walls could prove to be a little distracting (see above). So, we’re saying all that to say this: make sure you get yourself molly’d up beforehand just in case.
Takes credit cards? - nope! Not yet, anyway - this place is still that new shit, so they only have one of those gougey ATMs for the time being. Helpfully, given that this is an arcade, they do have one of those change machines for quarters. Unhelpfully, as of this writing, it’s broken. Helpfully, however, the register at the bar is prepared and replete. Unhelpfully, it won't matter how many quarters you have, Visceralist will still eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner and that ill-advised Hot Pocket you had 30 minutes before bed on any one of these games. Bet.
Crowded on weekends? - not yet, but soon. The selection of games here, though more modest, is better than at their presumptive rival Barcade. See, cuz Barcade’s  like “Oh, arcade games made after 1989 are sellouts...psh, don’t even...” Whereas, Two Bit’s all, “Yo, fuck all that. Do the people wanna play Street Fighter? Do the people wanna play classic beat-em-ups like Final Fight? Yes? Do the people wanna shoot at the screen with fake plastic guns? Yes? Then get that shit!”
Seating - a few stools at the bar and a couple tables in the back. No stools in front of the games tho which, while likely a practical necessity, is kind of a drag. Some of us have sore lower backs from getting molly’d up and fucking while standing up all week long. Just a thought that we want in your head.
Neighborhood - right next door to the recently shuttered LES comedy club The Laugh Lounge (RIP 2012). This part of Essex St. (in addition to the block between Stanton and Houston) oddly doesn’t get much attention, but perhaps now the siren call of Blanka’s victory howl will change all that.
Pretentious/assholes - both times we’ve been here, we’ve sorta wanted to get into a Street Fighter II tournament where dudes are putting quarters up against the screen to call next and all that shit. Hasn’t happened yet, but soon.
Cost of Stella - not raising its hand when its name is called, unfortunately.
What time people start showing up - so, that’s not in fact a misplaced apostrophe you’re seeing in the title of this post. This retro arcade apparently belongs to some fella named Two Bit. Perhaps we’re being overly nitpicky, but something about that just seems off.  
Bartender efficiency - only 1 bartender working, but never got to to the point where, sorry, but they really do have to ignore you because it’s just too hectic. We here at Visceralist sympathize, reality.
Official Website - here. Currently just a typical “Coming Soon” placeholder with a .jpg of their logo (which doesn’t feature the infamous apostrophe...hmmm...)
Food? How late - pizza slices of dubious origin. Like Gatsby!
TVs? What's on - 1 flatscreen behind the bar and 1 large projector screen against the rear wall - onto which they project shit the likes of which probably inspired Django Unchained.
Guy:girl ratio - we here at Visceralist HQ just recently got into this old reality show Geek Love, episodes which are available on YouTube. Its framing is a bit meaner than we usually tolerate, but it’s still a treat that can’t be beat.
Toys - oh, in addition to the stools, it would be great if they had a hand-sanitzer-dispenser somewhere off in this bitch. Cuz, especially considering the age of these cabinets, more sweaty hands been on them joysticks than...
Age of clientele - old enough to remember a time when you could actually get something for a quarter. Which, btw, if we can be as didactic as possible: this place is good because every game only costs a quarter.
Space for dancing? - probably enough room to do a little victory shimmy after you’ve roasted that dude who picked Dhalsim like it was good.
Music medium, style & volume - ok, let’s just get this out of the way, the Django Unchained soundtrack is the fucking best since Drive.
Specials or most popular drink - Visceralist is known to serve up a tall glass of that #beatemdown to all comers on them Street Fighter sticks. Pop a molly and put your quarters up, beeeeiiitch!

Video: Trinidad James x Romey Rome "All Gold Everything"

Affaire

50 Avenue B (Corner of E. 4th)

New York, NY 10009

(212) 375-0665

Bathroom situation - so the street level floor of Affaire is set up as a small restaurant. There's 1 bathroom in the back, to the side of the bar. Then downstairs there are two separate lounge rooms which each have 1 small bathroom. Each one is single-person and the tricky part with the downstairs ones is that the doors blend in seamlessly with the wall. If you're having trouble finding them, just wait for a line to form.
Takes credit cards? - yes and when you close out at the bar, they go through the whole rigamarole of putting your check in one of those black pleather folders, which is such a cyse.
Crowded on weekends? - the following is a true story that happened in real life earlier this year: The Visceralist rolled up to the door of Affaire on a Saturday night. The Bouncer (who looked like he had probably used the phrase "'Nuff said" about 5 or 6 times that week), was all, "Gotta lose the hat. Can't let you in with that hat." Fair enough, so we turned to our friend and asked her if she could please put the offending hat in her purse for the night. She was all, "Of course." Problem solved, right? Of course. But then Bouncer was all, "Nah, no hats at all inside. Gotta get rid of it." To which we responded, "It'll just stay in her bag, man, it's all good." Bouncer: "No hats." V: "Really? So even though I could've put the hat in her bag in the cab before we got here, you won't let us in?" Bouncer (after cinching up his jean cargo shorts): "Yeah. I mean if you wanna come in now, you could throw it out in the trash can on the corner." Tell you what, how 'bout you throw out your unreasonable attitude, guy?!
Seating - 7 or 8 dinner tables upstairs and a few lounge-style sofas in both downstairs rooms. Most seats on the sofas were occupied by coats - including Visceralist's beloved Spiewak, which typically causes us a healthy dose of undue anxiety. Fortunately though, the crowd kept their grubbies off, so no complaints there.
Neighborhood -what's that saying about Alphabet City in NYC's bad old days? Ah yes: If you're on Avenue A you're alright, Avenue B you're brave, Avenue C you're Crazy, Avenue D you're Dead. That hasn't really been applicable for a while, so Visceralist proposes a revision: If you're on Avenue A you're an NYU student, Avenue B you're boring cuz all the bars on this avenue are mediocre, Avenue C you'll get flooded once a year but it'll get blogged about, Avenue D you'll get flooded once a year but you're on your own for a couple weeks after.
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that you will see a guy or few that does that move where he puts his arm up against the wall behind the girl he's talking to and then leans in with a grin.
Cost of Stella - $7 and bottles only. Pay cash.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 11:30ish on a recent Saturday night and both downstairs rooms were jammed up like the EQ on a Waka Flocka track.
Bartender efficiency - surprisingly adept, considering the crowds. We'd like to take this time to send an unreserved, non-sarcastic kudos their way.
Official Website - here. Their "Delicious Playful Moments" section informs us that they present frequent burlesque shows here. So if seeing bra-covered tits vs. seeing naked tits is like eating porridge that's too cold vs. eating porridge that's too hot, then this is your spot. With your freaky ass ;)
Food? How late -full brunch and dinner menus. Buffalo style frog legs!
TVs? What's on - no, Affaire aspires to a level of pretension that would see it more at home on a Mad TV parody of Girls. So you're gonna have to catch that Nets game down the block at Croxleys, bruh.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50ish.
Toys - not really, so try to make some new friends in the bathroom or coatcheck lines.
Age of clientele - folks in their mid-20s who think they know what folks in their mid-30s act like and attempt to imitate that.
Space for dancing? - so this is where they actually get shit completely right. Perhaps the bouncer actually knows his business because, though the dance floors in both lounge rooms could be crowded enough to be a hassle to walk through, it was fuckin' party time out that bitch and it was official.
Music medium, style & volume - stretched-out dance remixes of Khia's "My Neck, My Back" & "Gangnam Style" were heard and remembered.


Photo

The Best Unused Moving-Ending One-Liners

Ever since Michael Corleone told his wife "Don't ever ask me about my business, Kate." screenwriters have been trying to outdo each other by trying to write the most gangsta cinematic line OF ALL TIME. And, yeah, there have been a few viable contenders since then. Phil Leotardo telling that woman who was an affiliate of Tony's on The Sopranos "Next time, there won't be a next time." after he shot at her through a phone book (but the bullet didn't go all the way through). Tony Montana talking about his balls. Heath Ledger saying "Jack Twist, I swear..." But, unfortunately, nothing has really blown minds all to heck recently (right commentariat?). Luckily for y'all though, your boy Vissy has come up with a few on spec. Feel free to disburse as y'all see fit.

Line : Your suspicions are right - that is my son. But I'm gonna let you raise him.
Context: Some drama where some underling has cuckolded the boss - which the boss only realizes at the end. Likely delivered as the underling is dying. His last words!
Line : Most people would refer to this as a wine-bottle corkscrew. Now, you...you're gonna find out why I call it...a password-extractor.
Context: Delivered by some kind of Bond villain to a tied-up Bond-type right before he leaves the room to consult with a flunky on some important business.

Line : You seem to feel like you just won the Superbowl. Nuh uh. You just finished a Pop Warner game where they don't keep score. Vicariously. Through your nephew.
Context: This would be delivered as a metaphor. Presumably in some business drama where the protagonist has pulled just a fantastic switcheroo on the antagonist. So good. 

 

Read the rest at Put That Shit on the List.

Happy Thanksgiving