People Lounge

163 Allen St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-2668

Bathroom situation - Street level: two in the rear, one with urinals, one without. Both as plain as Jane's plain brain game. Upper level: two single-person units around the corner from the bar, but one seems to be employees-only. The other one is spacious enough for you to bring a friend, and the walls are thick enough that people outside won't be able to eavesdrop on the inevitable argument that erupts when your so-called friend gets all incensed that you asked her to do "that" in there.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but this is exactly the type of place where shit can just come up missing if you happen to accidentally leave it there overnight. Not saying that this typically happens here or that it's intentional when/if it does; really just wanted to use the phrase "come up."
Crowded on weekends? - this is People Lounge's consistent claim to fame. As advertised, there be people. All in your grill.
Seating - this is one of those places that segues from respectable-ish restaurant to loungey-club over the course of the evening so there are a fair number of tables, booths & stools at the bar on the street level. None of this, however, will be available to you if you arrive after 10pm. The upper level is more lounge-sofa oriented, and trust that any stools at the bar will be pushed to the side well before SNL begins broadcasting with their newly-instituted 3 minute delay.
Neighborhood - the stretch of Allen that desperately doesn't want you to notice that they share the block with one of the LES's better housing projects.
Pretentious/assholes - though People Lounge definitely attracts a nerdier crowd than your prototypical LES romper room, it's not without its share of moneyed-up solipsists. These folk, however, will at least wait till they get home before they brag about how they almost poured your own fucking beer all over your whole fucking UniQlo-sourced outfit cuz you were looking over at them too much.
Cost of Stella - apparently if you show up in some nice UniQlo attire and have a receding hairline (oh, btw they don't allow baseball caps in here) you get charged one price, but if you show up in some been there, done that Bloomie's bullshit you get a different, lower price. Rich get richer...
What time people start showing up - the dinner here is allegedly mad decent, so a lot of people come at 8, then mosey on upstairs after getting a box for what's left of their creme brule (that's a metaphor, they don't actually have creme brule here).
Bartender efficiency - even though Visceralist has been here a few times with folks who were friendly with the upstairs bartender, it's still basically a crap shoot. People is almost always too understaffed to adequately handle the weekend crowd, so you'll be better off sneaking in a flask of amaretto.
Official Website - here. Flash'd up like it's going out of style (it is btw, shouts out to HTML 5.0), but pleasantly concise. Plus their Upcoming Events section actually has upcoming events (as opposed to the GWB-era events you see on most LES/EV bar sites these days).
Food? How late - yeah, saw some Satay's or something on their menu.
TVs? What's on - no, so the game of pretend-voiceovers-of-what-that-couple-over-there-is-talking-about is a must.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50 ish, though you'll sometimes be hard-pressed to tell which is which. "Strong in the face" is a phrase you'll overhear more than once.
Toys - you'll have to make do with cocktail napkins and maraschino cherries.
Age of clientele - the futilely-clinging-to-their-20s set and those who encourage them. And may we add, if the majority of your waking hours during your 20s were spent in a button-up shirt, let them go. You'll fit in much bett[ed. let's just stop there and try to steer clear of the class critiques from here on out, ok?].
Space for dancing? - huzzah, People Lounge's one saving grace. They actually have a "dance floor" on the upper level and the DJ actually plays songs with +120 bpm and syncopation. Granted, it's usually so crowded that inadvertent bumping/grinding is a given, but the dopamine that (for once) is naturally released in your brain after Sean Paul's "Get Busy" fades into Keri Hilson's "Turnin Me On" will more than make up for it.
Grimeyness - mostly Swiffered away.
ID Check Procedure - bouncer out front...even in the cold, so you know he's not in a good mood, and he's checking both men's and cute women's.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ in the upper room on the weekends and at the frequent "networking events" this place hosts. The music is usually "Wait, what?!" loud, but Visceralist is rarely mad at the selection.
Specials or most popular drink - the Purple People Eater - Hypnotic & cranberry juice on the rocks (with a splash of amaretto courtesy of our little secret). J/k, this is really more of a suggestion.
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Destination Bar & Grille

211 Avenue A (NW corner of 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 388-9844

Bathroom situation - one M's and one W's in the back to the right...both single-person and both cute as a button on a tiny blazer on a pomeranian puppy (as the above iPhone photo totally attests).
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernable minimum (tho keep in mind this spot is newish yet, so that could all change once they realize how much their APR goes up when they start accepting a bunch of Rush Cards [ed. damn, inside baseball much?]).
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but for some reason this place seems to attract the tastefully, non-descript cool. The sort who take for a given that Wet Hot American Summer is the funniest movie of the past 10 years.
Seating - two tables by the windows in front, 10 stools at the bar, and a long row of booths on the left which could conceivably accommodate 8 people each.
Neighborhood - Right near the border between Stuyvesant Town and reality.
Pretentious/assholes - the reviews of this place on Yelp are so uniformly positive as to suggest evidence of malfeasance (which Yelp is no stranger to, btw), but try as we might, we here at Visceralist genuinely can't really find too much to shit on here. So this place is actually getting one of our better compliments: the absence of vicious insults [ed. big shouts out to Plan B].
Cost of Stella - yes, $6, but only by the bottle. When asked if they had anything on tap that was like Stella, the bartender answered "Um....I'll have to check..." then quickly ran away and forgot this interaction. To be fair tho, she was really hot and skinny, so that question was fairly sadistic. The bartender who took over her shift later, however, responded that no, they didn't have anything on tap even remotely close to Stella.
What time people start showing up - by 10:30ish it'll be crowded to the point where, if you're sitting at a table or in a booth, you'll likely have to remind your waitress about your orders.
Bartender efficiency - they're about as good at making eye-contact with patrons as you are when you cross paths in the street with that ex you still kinda like and think "damn, what kind of effort would it take to get him/her back? Eehhh, not worth it."
Official Website - here. And web 2.0'd up (174 Twitter followers ftw!). Clean and easy to navigate with all the info you'd need from a bar's website (contact, menu, hours). More of this, please, EV bars.
Food? How late - fuck yeah. This is where the drooling really comes in for this Visceralist. The menu's bacon'd up the fuck plus they have something called Buffalo Chicken Lollipops. What's a diabetes?
TVs? What's on - nah, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - God, Moby's "Play" may be horribly front-loaded and dude may be a one-trick Seabiscuit, but fuck, it's still got that badonk.
Toys - the amenities in the bathrooms are gonna have to make do...that or anything/one you may bring with you into the bathroom [ed. subtle].
Age of clientele - young-looking 30's [ed. hysterical. Like that exists...]
Space for dancing? - this place attracts the kind of crowd that takes dancing lessons after they hit the age of 22....so, no.
Grimeyness - still got that new-bar smell. Shouts out to diesel Audis.
ID Check Procedure - they're still too brand new to be turning away folks, so...
Music medium, style & volume - if they do play music here, it's negligible. The low-rent-swanky-ambiance is deafening however.
Specials or most popular drink - jello shots are on the menu, come in 4 different flavors and are only $3 each. Now...rap about that!
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Hi-Fi

169 Ave. A (btw 10th & 11th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 420-8392

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person rooms in the back that suffice extremely adequately. Kinda. The one on the far right is cozy-cramped up and has a red light (this is what's hot in the streets, Hi-Fi?), but is otherwise passable.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, so yes.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is exceptional in that, compared to its pilsner-pushing neighbors, it's quite large. Because of this, it rarely gets uncomfortably packt like sardines in a crushed tin box [ed. that song sucks, btw]
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a gang of booths & tables on the left and in the back. They generally get occupied early tho, so if you're a short man you'll def want to wear those shoes with the heels (like RDJ here), cuz odds are you will be standing.
Neighborhood - right in the navel of the only section of the EV that actually has decent bars. That would be Avenue A and its tributaries.
Pretentious/assholes - most folks here are about as blase as this review is turning out. [ed. well pep it up then, dammit!]. A flash mob here would probably get ignored like a certain blog editor. [ed. ain't that a bitch]
Cost of Stella - half as much as your mom charges for some head in the Benz, bitch (so, $6 +tip). [ed. there it is! Now we're goin hard on these hoes!]
What time people start showing up - like with most aspects of this bar, a very average 10pm.
Bartender efficiency - fuck what the reviewers on Yelp are going through, Visceralist has never had any problems with having to wait too long for drinks here (and Visceralist is wild impatient in general). Which, btw, why is it that most Yelp reviewers are female?
Official Website - here. Wiggity wack like something from Geocities' hey-day back in the late 90's. BUT! They do have the whole list of albums available on their mp3 jukebox (more on that in a bit).
Food? How late - nope, nope, nope (shakes head no).
TVs? What's on - a couple over the bar, but nothing to fucking twitter @home about [ed. ooh, timely].
Guy:girl ratio - sorry to couch nearly everything in terms of Yelp reviews, but apparently a lot of people think that only hipsters hang out here. In reality, you're only getting your Kmart-Burger King-The Roots bumpin-health insurance-having hipsters here. The real hipsters who really go hard on these hoes only hang out in Carroll Gardens and Bushwick anymore, so fuck it.
Toys - pool table, pinball, buck hunter & a multi-game unit. Quarters and dollar bills is a must.
Age of clientele - let's just say late 20s and move on to the next one (Swizzy!).
Space for dancing? - probably but this is the kind of place where you really don't wanna be the first person to start dancing. The booths have eyes! And twitter accounts: #lamepeopledancinglamelylikereally?
Grimeyness - the lighting is too dim to really get a good sense, but it's not as shady as some of the Pentagon's deals with KBR [ed. ooooohhh dip, you didn't know Visceralist came political, did you?!]
ID Check Procedure - bouncer with the weight of the world written all over his face [ed. oooooh snap, poetical too, bitch!]
Music medium, style & volume - now this is where Hi-Fi really brings the lasagna to the table. They allegedly were the first bar in NYC to have the type of digital jukebox that's now commonplace in most Broham bars in Murrary Hill. We'll give them that, but the problem is that if you pay to play a song at 9pm, you'll likely have to wait til you're leaving by yourself at 12am after getting kicked out for drunkenly putting your arm around the wrong chick's waist and playing the song on your iPhone as you walk home before you hear it. But its library is quite deep. Lots of Ryan Adams and David Bowie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks from 4pm - 8pm, but that's no good for most people, so fuck it.
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Mug Lounge

448 E. 13th St (btw 1st & A)
New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357

Bathroom situation - two bisexual closets in between the bar and the "lounge" area. Both are fairly clean, but they have Bounty paper towel rolls there, not like a dispenser. So now you're thinking about how brokeass that is, but they also have candles and framed paintings all up in there too, so now you're like "this must be what the good apartments in the Bronx are like."
Takes credit cards? - yes, but with a savvy $15 min. Savvy when most of the happy hour drinks are $6 each (you do the math).
Crowded on weekends? - hysterical. I was ready to devour this section like the end of the Col. Landa / von Hammersmark scene in Inglorious Basterds...but...it seems kinda un-gentlemanly. This place is so frequently empty as to inspire remiscences of the good ol' days of money-laundering fronts back in late 80's NYC. [ed. that's a bingo!]
Seating - like Mike Vick right after a 2 year bid and at an afterparty at a club in the ATL that notoriously caters to insecure chicks...you'll have your fuckin pick.
Neighborhood - across the street from 13th street's only sick apartment building. You'll be much better off if you somehow find a friend who lives there and go chill on their sectional.
Type of crowd - n/a
Pretentious/assholes - no comment....cuz there's never anyone here, it's sorta like dividing any number by zero. You'll just wind up annoyed and kinda sad.
Cost of Stella - this place's one saving grace is that they have it at the market rate of $6/pint.
What time people start showing up - if people ever show up at this place it'll be because Channel 5 News is covering someone who got noodle-knocked across the street and the camera man and sound guy need a taste in between takes lest they kill themselves.
Bartender efficiency - not sure if Visceralist had a bad experience here once or if it's endemic, but the bitch bartender said they don't make mojitos then put a menu on the bar that listed mojitos. That's just poor.
Official Website - here. They confidently advertise that they have an "event space" where any other respectable bar would call the large section of their continuously-empty square-footage a "tax write-off." That's simple economics, bitches.
Food? How late - they have orange and lemon slices to put in the drinks, but given how crowded this place never gets, they're prolly expired.
TVs? What's on - stop trying to make them feel bad.
Guy:girl ratio - unclear...the bartenders here aren't that cute, so presumably no dude would come here alone. Will have to get back to you.
Toys - most of the couches in the "lounge" area have cushions. That's about all you're getting.
Age of clientele - folks too old to realize that just hanging out near Alphabet City dosn't make you subversive in the least. Plus, all the kids who would bother making fun of you are in the bar a few doors down: Key Bar.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist hates discouraging weaklings from dancing, but seriously if you even try here you are a prime candidate for YouTube or AFV or I don't know what...
Grimeyness - if Bloomberg's maid has a housekeeper...prolly like her house.
ID Check Procedure - "Get your ass in here."
Music medium, style & volume - house music. And yeah, all the bad (puke) connotations.
Specials or most popular drink - on Friday 2 for 1 drinks, but tons of exceptions, so just go to Key Bar.
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This Exists

Plan B

339 East 10th Street (Btw Ave. A & B) New York, NY 10079
(212) 353-2303

In a kinder world, the Yelp reviews of this shithole would be enough of a drubbing. They're seriously ridic to the point where some dude actually complained in his review about being roofied. But, like the guy who's towards the end of the line in a train-runnin and says to himself, "eh, might as well...I mean, this is what I came here for, right?" Visceralist just had to go in...

Bathroom situation - two in the back, but don't worry about their condition cuz you won't be able to to reach either of them thanks to the impenetrability of the vacuum-compression that takes place in the "dance-floor" which separates you from the bathrooms at all times. Colostomies & catheters is a must.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but don't expect the poor bartenders here to be able to hear you indicate which card is yours over the din of folks screaming along to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (which Visceralist likes, incidentally).
Crowded on weekends? - (Desmond voice) You must be joking brotha. (/Desmond voice) If we may be so bold as to be genuine for a moment, this is really where Plan B just totally loses the plot. From the second you step inside to the second you leave (hopefully within the same minute), you'll involuntarily be nuts to butts (or, for the ladies, cunts to butts) with the sweaty scum of New York City. They have a bouncer, so they could conceivably manage this a bit better, but it was even like this well before The Great Recession, so the management is definitely to blame.
Seating - you will not.
Neighborhood - you know that scene in "KIDS" where the protagonists beat the shit out of that kid in Tompkins Sq. park? Well that took place right across the street from this place back in the 90s and in some ways Visceralist wishes the "crusties" who live there now would somehow recreate that inside of Plan B instead of toasting to GG Allin with box-wine all night long [ed. crusties? You're watching KIDS too much, grandad.].
Type of crowd - New Yorkers who are usually too young (and in some cases, too smart & savvy) to actually be up in here like it's all good.
Pretentious/assholes - you know that young German soldier in Inglorious Basterds who comes off all "aww-shucks" and charming in the beginning, but gets all date-rapey towards the end? Oh spoiler alert, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist will be damned if we ever sully Stella's beautiful reputation by associating them with this glorified frat hazing.
What time people start showing up - oh, people leave this place?
Bartender efficiency - in some ways Visceralist can't blame the bartenders here for their slowness...a lot of people here just have to get really drunk before they'll deign fuck someone who lists their favorite kind of music as "all different kinds." But on the other hand, most of the bartenders here are really good looking, so we're just instinctively jealous. :p
Official Website - here. They have a flyer up advertising a party from 8/6/09 and most of the candid photos are from 2004/2005. Visceralist can't blame bars for being so lazy when most of the other websites for bars in the neighborhood exhibit the same kind of complacence. But still...really?
Food? How late - no, but if they did have it, it would take so long for it to get to you that you'd already be in bed, awake the next morning and asking yourself exactly which Duane Reade to go to to avoid bumping into people you might know while you wait in line for the real Plan B. [ed. FYI, it costs $50]
TVs? What's on - don't think so.
Guy:girl ratio - possibly the only reason this place is still popular...the ratio is fairly even because of the same principle that let GWB get elected twice. Other people have said they're into it, so it must be decent, right?
Toys - for some guys here, grabbing the oblivious ass or tit that passes by in the hustle & bustle to get to the bathroom.
Age of clientele - old enough to know better, really now.
Space for dancing? - Not at all, but that stops no one. This is the secondary flaw with this place. The dance floor on most nights consumes the entirety of the square-footage to the point where it's just blech, blech, ugh, god, ugh, puke puke. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit [ed. you degenerate].
Grimeyness - Eh, not that bad.
ID Check Procedure - it's not so much an ID check at the door as much as it's a "who you wit?" check. It seems like 90% of this place's clientele is here for Emma or Erik's bday party anyway, so if you're actually coming here just to chill, then you're not coming in here.
Music medium, style & volume - the quintessential Top 40 playlist...not a bad thing as long as Timbaland's done something interesting lately.
Specials or most popular drink - despite what Yelp says, they apparently are 50% everything from 5-10pm.
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The Whiskey Ward

121 Essex St (btw Rivington & Delancey St.)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2998

Bathroom situation - two in the back, both unisex. The one in the back is much roomier, but Visceralist has heard rumors that the mirror in there is two-way. Again, these are just rumors. So that's not actually libel.
Takes credit cards? - yes, for like a $22 min. Something we overheard the bartender say to some button-ups some night who clearly weren't gonna protest that.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but with folks who don't know any better, so they'll actually say "Excuse me" instead of "I will fuckin slap the color out your damn face if you dont..." if you bump into them.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, plus two or three tables to the left, but really there's so much open-air here, you'll want to stand around and quorum.
Neighborhood - literally the armpit of the LES...in every fucking possible fucking way.
Type of crowd - If you have more than one button in your whole outfit, kill yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - the crowd here isn't cool enough to be pretentious. So don't worry Midwest, no one's gonna call you out your name about your damn Gap shit.
Cost of Stella -no esta aqui.
What time people start showing up - on the earlier side, like 8-9ish. The folks here have double chins that they accidentally dip in the weak sauce.
Bartender efficiency - if a fuck ignores a cunt in an uncool part of the LES, does it make a fuckin noise?
Official Website - here. Pedestrian. BTW, William F. Buckley is a boring cunt whose philosophy was mostly wrong.
Food? How late - no kitchen here. You're better off encouraging the pre-60's feminine instincts your gf might be feeling if she watches a lot of Mad Men.
TVs? What's on - Da Bears....
Guy:girl ratio - not that great. The decor here acts as a colander for any hot chicks who are actually aware that they're hot. But what's left...a lot of exes.
Toys - pool table which people with necks will mostly try to not make eye contact with as they walk by it to the bathrooms.
Age of clientele - they'll never admit it, but mostly folks whose first experience with Lil' Wayne was the outro to "Back Dat Azz Up."
Space for dancing? - If you're reading this, you don't want none of this.
Grimeyness - you'll get over it.
ID Check Procedure - laughable (laudable?).
Music medium, style & volume - If you've ever complained about Justin Timberlake, welcome home.
Specials or most popular drink - "Whyskey Flights"...you're either in good company or on your own, B.
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Key Bar

432 E. 13th St. (btw 1st & Ave A)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 4783021

Specials or most popular drink - had to move this category to the top cuz this is where Key Bar shines like the barrel of a biscuit. 2 for 1 on all drinks from 5-10pm. No other decent bar in the vicinity keeps their happyhour this fuckin gully. Most of the mixed drinks are in the $10-$12 range, but they're essentially half-off til 10, so...also, they're known for their Lychee Martini, which will fuck you up worse than you'd be if your given name was Dick (not Richard).
Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex drops in the back to the right of the bar. They keep the plungers in them for a reason, which is downright unfortunate, but otherwise they're fairly innocuous. If you have the option, grab the first one (with the sliding door) cuz it's about twice the size of the other one, with a bigger, cleaner mirror. In fact, it's prolly big enough to fit more than one person at a time.
Takes credit cards? - yes, $20 min. With the happy hour in effect, could take a while to reach this.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, that brings us to the "thing" about this place...it's about the size of the interior of a Camry. If the HR dept of any moderately-sized company books a going-away-party here, forget about it. Won't be worth it unless you genuinely want to wish Carol good luck with her future as a NYC Teaching Fellow (won't help). Or if you're trying to get with her cuter friend Nancy.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, 5 lounge couches w/ tables. Moot point, cuz you'll be standing. Cuz there's no seats.
Neighborhood - across the street from one of the freshest non-NYU apt buildings in the East Village. This bar is the only thing open on the whole block after 10pm tho, so if you brought a trenchcoat, pop that collar [ed. (slaps forehead)...really? That's the punchline? You better knock it out the damn park with the next one or you're done here.]
Type of crowd - whiff... [ed. ok...now watch this]
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that most of the crowd prefer's Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" to the clearly superior "Ecstacy" by jj.
Cost of Stella -$6, but comes with an additional free Stella til 10:00pm.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 7:15pm one time for a party that was listed as starting at 7:00pm. Needless to say, Visceralist was disgustingly, wrist-slittingly early for this party, but the place was still reasonably fullish...
Bartender efficiency - two bartenders, but they get it the fuck in. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Official Website - here. The intro page had a listing of browser requirements (like seriously, more than one), so Visceralist made it no further.
Food? How late - they have peach cider here, which tastes like a shit sandwich, so that might count.
TVs? What's on - nope, so better bring your iPhones with the YouTube clips from "In the Loop" pre-loaded.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll manage.
Toys - there's a DJ booth in the back, so most people here entertain themselves with a round or two of the ol' "Hey, could you play..." To be fair though, the DJ always loses...
Age of clientele - mostly folks on their 4th or 5th 30th bday.
Space for dancing? - Oddly, yes. The center of the room tends to get to moshin' at the slightest hint of "Come on Eileen."
Grimeyness - the happy hour will keep you hazy enough to where this is a non-issue. Like how idiots obfuscate the healthcare debate with hysterical hyberbole.
ID Check Procedure - please, homey. If you've even heard of the movie "New Jack City" you'll get in.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ's choice. Not too loud that you'll have to repeat the lie that you're actually still technically employed as a consultant.
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