d.b.a.

41 1st Avenue (btw 2nd & 3rd)
New York, NY 10003
(212) 677-0437‎

Bathroom situation - 2 in the back. Both gutter as all hell, which is surprising cuz the rest of the bar is wild acceptable. Do NOT come here if your Bs have to M.
Takes credit cards? - Joyfully.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but in the warmer months the outdoor backyard area mitigates this considerably.
Seating - 10ish seats at the bar, 3 small tables in the front, 1 booth in the back. In the summer, however, this is one of the best outdoor bars in NYC cuz their back yardie-yard is the truth. Ample seating and acceptable wait service.
Neighborhood - A short jog away from both a Hells Angels lodge and an NYPD precinct.
Type of crowd - comprised of those who can afford beers that (a) are from continents without the word "America" in them and (b) don't advertise in magazines. [ed. that's supposed to be funny?]
Pretentious/assholes - attracts its fair share of bald(ing) men, so if they are jerks they at least have a reason. With their bald ass. Which reminds us, Kevin Hart has claimed that Jamie Foxx "draws his hair." Is this a thing? He also claims that if movie studio execs figured out where Jamie Foxx's hairline really starts, he would stop getting movie roles. Killt it.
Cost of Stella - for all the fucking beers they have here (and they do have a gang of them), they don't have Stella. Baffling. They usually recommend Jever as a substitute, but really...
What time people start showing up - somehow this place is always well attended.
Bartender efficiency - the chick bartenders here are unreasonably hot, so you know how that goes...
Official Website - here. Quite adept. Plus it features a live webcam that's pointed at the front of the bar. Watch dudes get rejected in stop-motion!
Food? How late - no, likely cuz their drink menu is so big that it takes up all the room they might use to store chicken fingers.
TVs? What's on - won't be able to see LeBron chalking it up here, doc.
Guy/girl ratio - judging from the webcams current viewpoint, 70/30.
Toys - the backyard seems suitable for some horseplay or rough-housing or mischief or cavorting, but otherwise nope.
Age of clientele - late 20s plus old-heads.
Space for dancing - no, this is more like the kind of place where you come after you've been dancing to relax and roast that one desperate guy who was trying to grind on a bunch of different girls. Even the fugly girls wanted nothing to do with his lonely ass. Kill yourself, doc.
Décor - most of the effort has clearly been thrust into the chalkboard drink-list, but it's still fairly upstanding.
Grimeyness - decent...the bathrooms are an outlier.
ID check procedure - Conducted competently on the weekends. Otherwise negligible.
Hood specificity - The part of the EV that thinks its gully...needs to take a trip over to Pitt St.
Music medium, style & volume - Ignorable.
Specials or most popular drink - too lazy to check the website, but presumably your standard nonsense.
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The Magician

118 Rivington St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 673-7881

Bathroom situation - a paltry 2 in the back which are regularly insufficient. The men's has a urinal and a stall with old west saloon swinging doors (the fuck?) and the women's is a one-person. If you have ovaries and you plan on spending a significant portion of your nite here, I suggest bringing a ziploc bag or catheter or something here cuz the line can get really unfortunate.
Takes credit cards? - Nah, brah.
Crowded on weekends? - the joint's main weak-spot. Your drink will be introduced to your shirt and it will be awkward.
Seating - Inexplicably, this place has a gang of tables, chairs and bar stools but you can never find one when you need one on the weekends. Any other time, you'll have no trouble finding a place to rest your wide American ass 2 feet off the floor.
Neighborhood - Part of the LES that wishes it was off the radar, but so isn't.
Type of crowd - allegedly this is known as THE "blogger bar" where the elite of the can't-have-real-relationships crowd meet to chop it up about how "dope" it is to sit on their wide American asses and clown on poor people.
Pretentious/assholes - lots of wool pea coats here in the winter...draw your own conclusions.
Cost of Stella - not sure...Visceralist is leaning towards Heineken more these days anyway.
What time people start showing up - relatively early at 9ish.
Bartender efficiency - tend to be real anal here about ignoring you if you dare try to wave them over. Visceralist can sorta sympathize, but still...
Official Website - no official site, but a goodly amount of reviews by the usual suspects. We have to interject tho: NYC bars, you are playing yourself by not having your own website. It'll usually show up as the #1 Google item and it's your biggest chance to convince out-of-towners that you still have some cred. And you know you can charge them whatever you want and they'll chalk it up to "damn, shit is wild expensive in NYC...had a great time tho..."
Food? How late - nah, and even if they did it'd prolly be some brokeass pita bread they'd charge you bruschetta prices for.
TVs? What's on - no, but most people here have iPhones so just ask them to pull up the "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" video up on YouTube if you get bored.
Guy/girl ratio - sleazeballs, creeps, stalkers and douches take note: this may be the one place in the LES that's regularly 50/50. Visceralist leaves it up to y'all to fix this.
Toys - nathan but the bizzooze.
Age of clientele - solidly 20s-early 30s. Your coming-from-a-broken-home anecdotes will not go unappreciated here.
Space for dancing - unless your dancing your hand into someone's back pocket to grab their wallet and do-see-do their dough, then no. It gets too crowded.
Décor - wannabe classy-chic. Really tho it's just that the lights are too dim to see how depressingly bleak it is in here.
Grimeyness - sufficiently-impress-a-first-date-able.
ID check procedure - Sometimes conducted by someone who looks like his side-project band's bout to play their first gig a block away.
Hood specificity - ELES(?)
Music medium, style & volume - comes from the ether, but is usually mildly annoying.
Specials or most popular drink - pshaw
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Cherry Tavern

441 E. 6th St. (btw 1st Ave & Ave A)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 777-1448

Given that this blog has now got some serious burn vis a vis its Twitter feed claiming the #1 spot when one Googles "Visceralist" (here), we hereby present Visceralist's official review of its favorite bar. Expect all-time level quality and eat a dick, bitch.

Bathroom situation - 2 in the back, men's has a urinal and a seaty-pooper and women's has a toillette (sans bidet). The mens generally gets doubled up and will feature an unsurprising half-inch layer of piss on the floor. Only the womens has a lock.
Takes credit cards? - I mean, they'll take it...literally.
Crowded on weekends? - uff da, yes! It can get a little crizzampo'd but rarely gets ridicko.
Seating - 10ish stools around the bar, 2 tables in the front, 1 booth just past the juke, and 2 tables in the back. Expect to practice good posture.
Neighborhood - The poorman's East Village. Not to be confused with the layman's East Village.
Type of crowd - fairly gully at most times but with a nice, even conglomeration of both fuckups and losers.
Pretentious/assholes - yes, on the weekends. These are the ones who make it not worth visiting on the weekends.
Cost of Stella - no esta aqui, pero...your basic selection of low-rent beer.
What time people start showing up - ha, specifically between 10:30pm - 11:30pm...if no one's there betwixt these hours, it's one of their (many) off nights.
Bartender efficiency - friggin freakin acceptable.
Official Website - n/a, which is very much in keeping with its adorable off-kilter atmosphere.
Food? How late - nope, and don't bring any.
TVs? What's on - one TV in the corner above the pool table, usually tuned to Cartoon Network or Public Access. And sometimes this.
Guy/girl ratio - nice and comfortable for both genders.
Toys - a pool table with an erstwhile sign-up sheet that gets happily disregarded. The jukebox is the real heartbeat of the joint tho.
Age of clientele - ages 8 - 108 (like MadLibs).
Space for dancing - Don't think so...plus they don't have "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" on the juke anyway, so who gives a fuck?
Décor - puts the "jive" in "dive bar"
Grimeyness - pic next to dictionary entry.
ID check procedure - Competent.
Hood specificity - The cool part of the EV you still can't afford to live in.
Music medium, style & volume - Generally comes via the juke, but beware of this: you'll put your money in and won't hear your songs for a good 30-45 mins. So select "Say Hello to the Angels" BEFORE you order your booze.
Specials or most popular drink - Can of Tecate beer + shot of house tequila for $5 daily. Will totally ruin/augment your night.
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Dark Room

165 Ludlow St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 353-0536

Bathroom situation - the bar's divided up into two rooms, right & left. The left has 2 unisex bathrooms in the back. The right has two larger multi-person bathrooms in the back. Now, this is an obvious joke, but the lines involved with these bathrooms have nothing to do with queues.
Takes credit cards? - yes, though you may want to hang on to at least one card for its powder-organizing capabilities.
Crowded on weekends? - even though this place has fallen in and out of being cool and been closed by the cops and re-opened more times than Visceralist dares think about, it still apparently retains some charm...for those seeking permissive bars.
Seating - several nice pleather-padded booths in both rooms. Scant chairs at the bar.
Neighborhood - the bosom of the LES.
Type of crowd - let's just say that if Young Jeezy is actually anything like the persona he portrays in his 2005 masterpiece album "Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101" he could prolly make more money here on a Saturday night than he's making through music.
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, but who isn't when they're this wasted. Seriously, they have a "Must be this fucked-up out of your mind to enter" sign on the front.
Cost of Stella - not sure if they have this here actually...tho they prolly do.
What time people start showing up - this place is either totes dead or dumb crowded depending on the day, but you'll usually be able to tell which type of nite it's gonna be by 11pm.
Bartender efficiency - on the crowded nites, 2-3 bartenders at both bars. It can get a little tricky, but people generally focus on dancing, bullshitting or bathrooming so it's not too bad.
Official Website - n/a, but for some reason Zagat saw fit to review this blight.
Food? How late - no, but if you're here you're most likely on SOME kind of appetite-suppressant, so...
TVs? What's on - no TVs, but you wouldn't be able to pay attention to them anyway, so fuck it.
Guy/girl ratio - 50/50 we think.
Toys - most people bring their own.
Age of clientele - there's a reason this place stays getting shut down...actually multiple reasons.
Space for dancing - Yeah, there's actually some decent jiggy-gettin on the weekend. This is Visceralist's favorite dance, btw.
Décor - Not as dark as the name suggests.
Grimeyness - you know what it is.
ID check procedure - Actually fairly strict here and sometimes have one of those ID card swiper joints. Meh.
Hood specificity - This IS your granddad's LES.
Music medium, style & volume - Usually a DJ and usually 80s, but still extra decent.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour: no one comes here during happy hour.
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The Skinny

174 Orchard St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-3668

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex bathrooms in the back, both of which are moderately tore down but still BJ-able.
Takes credit cards? - yes, though keep in mind if you forget it there, they don't open up til 5pm the next day...so keep some PowerBars at your place just in case you have to hustle out quickly in order to impress someone, but still wind up going home alone and don't have any money the next day [ed. TMFI].
Crowded on weekends? - psshaw....yes.
Seating - fyi, this is a very narrow bar with 8 or so seats in the front, followed by a long bar with 10-12 seats and a lounge area in the back (near the stinky bathroom, pew) which seats roughly another 10. There is an upstairs area that has a few more seats but they're usually taken cuz the billiards-playing table is up there.
Neighborhood - it's on one of the two blocks in the LES that's still in mid-gentrification mode.
Type of crowd - the quintessentially non-descript.
Pretentious/assholes - nothing to worry about here. Except near the bathroom which can get dicey if there's a line and you see two girls come out together after being in one of the bathrooms for 10 damn minutes, fuckin heffas.
Cost of Stella - wanna say $6ish...
What time people start showing up - 11ish, only on the weekend tho.
Bartender efficiency - they usually have two working the spigots, but because the bar is so narrow near the bar, it gets uncomfortably and frustratingly tight easily. Best bet is to try to stick near one of the ends. But don't wave at the bartenders, stick with the eye contact and that smile your mom loves to see.
Official Website - here. Fairly streamlined, info on weekly "parties" & drink special prices. Plus a gallery that takes forever to load and isn't worth it.
Food? How late - no, but don't think they'd hate on you if you brought in a couple slices from Rosario's across the street (best pizza in the LES, btw).
TVs? What's on - no TVs, but they sometimes project old cult movies or their friends' video art projects on the wall.
Guy/girl ratio - 55/45.
Toys - Pool table in the little loft upstairs. But the real payday is the multi-game tables in the front which have this 4x4 tic-tac-toe shit and other good shit to keep you from actually connecting with your friends.
Age of clientele - 19 year olds looking for sugar-daddies and the 40-somethings who rent toupees for the weekend that are willing to oblige.
Space for dancing - Oh hell no. Crazy too what with all the "parties" they "throw."
Décor - Deep, dark red. Yet oddly inviting.
Grimeyness - you know how lazy 20-something guys only brush their teeth like 3 times a week or when they have something important to go to? Think of that as an analogy here.
ID check procedure - Ever-present bouncer. Visceralist DOES NOT suggest bribing him with delicious Rosario's pizza if you're underage.
Hood specificity - If you're familiar with the Short North in Columbus, it's sorta like that.
Music medium, style & volume - god damn, how Visceralist wishes they would play some music with an 808 in it every now and then. But they don't. They do play a lot of 70s-80s indie/brit rock tho.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour: $3 well drinks - $3 bud, bud light - $4 Red stripe, Stella and all other bottle beers. $1 off all other drinks (5-9p).
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Welcome to the Johnsons

123 Rivington St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 420-9911

Bathroom situation - 2 unisex bathrooms which are sooo brokeass...seriously, the grime on the walls will card you on your way in regardless of how old you look.
Takes credit cards? - they had one of those old school click-clack credit card devices, but it broke down in 2002.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, this place is insufferably ironically popular. And yet...
Seating - 10ish seats at the bar, 10ish plastic-covered old school 70's chaises, and two benches against the wall near the billiards table in the back. The seat cushions on the seats in the front are so low to the ground, you'll feel like you're bout to bust a drive-by in South Central in the 90s.
Neighborhood - the wrong side of the tracks of the LES.
Type of crowd - Folks who are OK and folks who are downright scum. Full disclosure: Visceralist almost got his favorite winter coat jacked here on some douchebag shit...and the bartender was complicit. Email for the full story.
Pretentious/assholes - some fuckers, yeah (that winter coat story got us heated).
Cost of Stella - don't have it here, so BYOS.
What time people start showing up - 10ish, average.
Bartender efficiency - usually two bartenders on the heavy nights, which is almost sufficient. The drinks are about as cheap as your mom, so best bet is to stock up on a few at a time so you have to deal with these coat-stealing mugs as little as possible.
Official Website - MySpace page. Last comment is from back when the Democratic presidential primary race was still interesting.
Food? How late - no, but the air is thick enough with bar-musk to make you feel like you never want to eat again.
TVs? What's on - 1 brokeass 70's TV which usually plays brokeass 80's movies on VHS.
Guy/girl ratio - 80/20
Toys - Pool table and a Ms. Pacman/Galaga table. The pool table has no sign up list so you really gotta be on Braveheart mode if you wanna actually get to poolin'.
Age of clientele - everyone dresses like they're in their 20s, so you know what that means...16-42.
Space for dancing - Visceralist saw some clown dancin around after he thought he'd gotten clean away with gankin someone's winter coat (little did he know, he hadn't). Not sure if it was to any particular bpm tho.
Décor - If this place needs to be summed up in one sentence, it looks like the kind of puke you'd find coming out of your mouth after you personally witnessed your uncle making your grandparents re-enact 2 girls, 1 cup.
Grimeyness - Holy...
ID check procedure - Perfunctory bouncer.
Hood specificity - Right on the border of deceny.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a perennially brokedown jukebox, so you're at the mercy of the iPod belonging to the bartender or the Eastern-European actress/model/spokesperson/intern he's fucking.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour:
Profile - Google first page results: reviews by Citysearch, New York Mag, Yelp, Schecky's, Clup Planet, UrbanSpoon and BlackBook Mag. *crickets*
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Iggy's

132 Ludlow St.

New York, NY 10002
(212) 529-2731‎

Bathroom situation - 2 single-person bathrooms...ostensibly men/women but the clientele doesn't seem to distinguish too keenly.
Takes credit cards? - yeah, with a grunt.
Crowded on weekends? - people come here to wait to meet other people, but they tend to stay "for a bit" so it can get a little touchy-feely.
Wifi? - no (I really need to ditch this metric).
Seating - 15ish seats at the bar. 2 tables and 4 large booths which are perched atop a platform. The booths are all wood, but surprisingly cozy-comfy.
Neighborhood - like an insider's guide to the Lower East Side. Btw, Visceralist has a crazy story about this place that involves a dope-feenin' bike messenger from Bodymore. Email us if you've got nothing else to do, and we'll give you the details.
Type of crowd - I hate to say this, but: trashy, bottom-feeding, and lazy/lonely types.
Pretentious/assholes - need not apply.
Cost of Stella - $6/pint
What time people start showing up - All hours, this place attracts folks like the bar in Demon Knight.
Bartender efficiency - very folksy, so prepare to have your annoyance at the inefficiency drained out by some good ol' fashioned charm.
Official Website - Here. Mentions something about Karaoke, which doesn't actually exist here. Otherwise, the site's unnecessarily busy, so *crickets* to that...
Food? How late - no, punk
TVs? What's on - 3 flat screens filled with all the programing basic cable allows.
Guy/girl ratio - 60/40
Toys - A graffitti'd Big Buck Hunter.
Age of clientele - 20s-30s with most folks acting 10 years younger than their biological age.
Space for dancing - Maybe for a mini-Charleston or a condensed tootsie-roll, but not much else.
Décor - As red as The Enemy in Demon Knight.
Grimeyness - It feels like they prolly clean up the place every now and then, but want to make it look like they're too cool to clean up.
ID check procedure - Bouncer (no further comment).
Hood specificity - The oft-overlooked LES.
Music medium, style & volume - and eclectic mix alternating from the juke & bartender's iPod. Volume is at just the right level to give you the feeling that your evening is being personally soundtracked by Quentin Tarantino.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour:
Profile - Google first page results: review by NY Mag, but this place often gets confused with its UES non-union equivalent. :(

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Local 138

138 Ludlow St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-0280‎

Bathroom situation - 3 individualized, unisex bathrooms in the back. All with enough girth to take care of whatever business needeth to be taken care of.
Takes credit cards? - With enthusiasm.
Crowded on weekends? - Yes, but not terrible. Given that it's across the street from the velveteen rope'd Libation, you'd think there'd be more overflow traffic, but it's surprisingly manageable at all times.
Wifi? - nyope.
Seating - Standard sized bar with 2 window-viewed-up booths, plus 2 more tables and scattered chairs.
Neighborhood - On the crossroads of the officially-cool and the monied non-elite.
Type of crowd - Mad chill, homie. You could seriously enter this place, make a $100,000 (or below) business deal and walk out without ever catching the name of anyone.
Pretentious/assholes - If they're here, they keep to themselves.
Cost of Stella - $5/pint, homie.
What time people start showing up - 10ish.
Bartender efficiency - 2 bartenders working an unaccountably large/well-stocked bar, but not really any problem making eye contact.
Official Website - n/a. And they're prolly better off keeping it this way.
Food? How late - Nope. And Visceralist DOES NOT recommend the burger place next door.
TVs? What's on - 2 flatscreens, both showing LOST last time Visceralist was there.
Guy/girl ratio - 60/40. Do NOT expect girls to randomly waltz into this place. They're only coming because someone done brung 'em there.
Toys - por nada. So please come with (aka make up) a good story.
Age of clientele - 20s official.
Space for dancing - nah, this is the type of place to come to when your behind is downright, gosh-darn pooped from shaking all night, ya know?
Décor - looks like a set from an early 1990s straight-to-vhs movie called "Last Call (for Lust)"
Grimeyness - wannabe cleanly. That is, the lighting makes it difficult to see any dirt that may, in actual fact, be present.
ID check procedure - standard ID-checkin' bouncer.
Hood specificity - LES (but the part where you'll overhear a lot of "Psshhh, this ain't THAT cool. I know this little spot in...")
Music medium, style & volume - Bartender's choice vis a vis a strategically placed Personal Digital Media Player. Non-offensive modern arena rock shit last time Visceralist was there. It won't get in your way, player.
Specials or most popular drink - happy hour: they don't advertise it but it's half price beers till like 10pm weekdays. Sorry for being so vague, but $3 Stella pints will make you forget a lot of specifics.
Profile - Google first page results: reviews by Citysearch, NY Mag, Yelp, New York On Tap, Club Planet, Shecky's, Trip Advisor & Urban Spoon (but no page to call their own...weak sauce).
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