Macri Park

462 Union Ave (btw Conselyea & Metropolitan)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 599-4999999999

Bathroom situation- they have two unisex rooms downstairs that prolly start the night out nice, but by 12:30 they're basically refugee camp status. Not sure if this is still the case, but the two rooms used to share a somewhat fancy sink...like it was built in the middle of the wall separating the two. This left a small space through which you could see into the other bathroom. It's almost as if they designed the bathrooms by starting with a glory hole and working around that...then sobered up halfway through the construction and were like "Ooooh dip! What we finna do?!" It kinda works tho. There's also a solo unisex joint near the entrance to the backyard on the left side.
Takes credit cards?- if you're still using credit cards in today's economy, your life is going way better than Visceralist's. Damn. Can we hold $20? That's the cc min here btw, so if you're using one, we know you got it. So why you holding out on us? Damn...now that's what friends are for?
Crowded on weekends? - people tend to walk by this place w/o even realizing it's there, so it doesn't get too stupid.
Seating- 10ish seats at the bar and a gang of boothsthroughout that are arranged nice and efficiently. Plus in the warmer months, the backyard is open and replete with several picnic tables and permeated with the fucking awesome scent of cigarette smoke.
Neighborhood- the part of WBurg that thinks it'd be stupid to diss Kanye, cuz even his superficial raps are super-official. "Cuz I dookie-dong any song that they threw me on!" - Kanye Omari West c. 2005
Pretentious/assholes - where you act up...that's where you get smacked up.
Cost of Stella- prolly like $6. Funny cuz we're actually gonna go here this weekend, but wanted to knock this review out now instead of waiting to actually go there and remember what stuff's like so we can be accurate in this review. But hey...if it works for the NYPress...
What time people start showing up - hard to say cuz this place is rarely packed to the gills.
Bartender efficiency- the bar's surface area takes up a relatively small percentage of the overall square footage of this place, so you'd think it'd be all "Fuck, I gotta flash a $20 bill to get someone's attention out this bitch." Kinda like it is in Soho, or Meatpacking or Grammercy or Murray Hill or any of those other super official neighborhoods in NYC that everyone loves going to cuz there are never any problems and you always (ALWAYS) have a great time even though you were unsure of going there cuz technically you weren't invited, but it was an open-invite Facebook event and that one chick said she was a 'Maybe', so fuck it, nothing to lose...
Official Website - none, and this place doesn't really even need one cuz it's so " ". Visceralist only remembered this place cuz we happened to be Facebook "invited" to a party here this weekend.
Food? How late - not really, but there's a great Peruvian restaurant around the corner. We forget what it's called tho.
TVs? What's on - yes, they got one of them thangs. So you can watch Judge Joe Brown start every sentence with "Now you mean to tell me..."
Guy:girl ratio- all the bartenders here are female and there's like 15 of them, so if you're a dude here you'll prolly be outnumbered. And they're totally really flirting with you cuz they think you're cute, btw. God, you're so interesting. Now how come you're still single? So, you're here for Mike's bday, right? Oh nice, who do you know here? Oh...well, who invited you then? Oh...(to the guy standing behind you) what can I getcha?
Toys - glory hole in the bathroom.
Age of clientele- spend enough time here and you'll be like "Ha, damn....kids really do still move to NYC and get waiter jobs while trying to be actors and writers and shit. Fuck...thought Sex and the City and Vice Magazine put an end to that shit....ah well."
Space for dancing? - the booths & tables seemed almost perfectly arranged to prevent any dancing from taking place. Bloomberg's Cabaret laws for the W.
ID Check Procedure - not sure that we've ever encountered one.
Music medium, style & volume- lots of times it's the bartender's iPod, but they also do occasionally get DJs here too. Either way, no need to listen to "Lovesong" (or any Echo & The Bunnymen, for that matter) on your iPod on the way over.
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some shit, who knows. Write your own damn bar review, shit.
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Essex Ale House

179 Essex Street (btw Houston & Stanton)

New York, NY
(212) 505-6027

Bathroom situation - read the photo above and weep. And that's the only one. Smh.
Takes credit cards? - allegedly.
Crowded on weekends?- this place is so tiny that if it's just the bartender in here (which is usually the case) then it's fuckin packed like the Times Square Red Lobster on a Saturday night (RIP Ultimate Fondue btw).
Seating- like 8 or 9 stools at the bar and that about it. Before the relatively recent renovation, they had a few more tables in the middle, but they replaced them with a billiards table. As far as Visceralist knows, no one's had sex on this pool table (big, throbbing, wet shouts out to Alligator Lounge).
Neighborhood - Damn, Wayne just said "Took the brains out the whip / now it don't make no sense." Pulitzer much!?
Pretentious/assholes- it'll sometimes catch some spillover from the nearby Element nightclub (which, you know...), but the stuntin is usually kept to a minimum.
Cost of Stella - $6 and bottle only. FML.
What time people start showing up - *crickets*
Bartender efficiency - decent.
Official Website - none, so here's the Yelp site. It (a) still says the bar is closed and (b) features one of the most pretentious Yelp reviews Visceralist has ever seen (which is saying something). Commenters, guess which one it is.
Food? How late - if you're saying that Red Lobster's Ultimate Fondue wasn't the shit, then the truth ain't in ya.
TVs? What's on - yes, they have an old-school joint that still gets the Ed Sullivan show somehow. Rilly big shoe.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll have better luck at Element...it's right around the corner.
Toys - pool table that's prolly broke (witchya broke ass).
Age of clientele - skews older. Like the age-range where you have a favorite Good Times episode.
Space for dancing? - it's so drab here that you may fall asleep and have visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, but other than that, no.
ID Check Procedure - do you have hands? Do you have a face? Then it wasn't me! Then you're in.
Music medium, style & volume- we here at Visceralist have never in our whole cotton-pickin lives ever been to a bar in (Old El Paso commercial voice) New York City that hasn't had some kind of music playin in the background, but dagnabbit...
Specials or most popular drink- though this place pitches itself as one of those bars that's known for it's large beer selection, it ain't (as noted in a certain incredibly pretentious Yelp review).
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Home Sweet Home

131 Chrystie Street (btw Broome & Grand)

New York, NY
(212) 226-5708

Bathroom situation - people come up to us all the time [ed. like all the damn time] like "Hey, Vissy...h-how come you start every review talking about the bathroom, huh? Ewww for days." Well, mostly cuz of places like Home Sweet Home. Spoiler alert, but we really like this place, but unfortunately the restrictive bathroom setup can put a damper on even the most orgy'd-up night. There's 2 here, a ladies & gents. The men's has a stall and 2 urinals. The women's may have more than one stall, but cot damn the chicks here stay in the queued-up stance. Who wants to wait in the stinky part of a bar all night while their friends are back there having fun, hitting on their significant others? Huh? Exactly.
Takes credit cards?- don't let the basement location or the scent of mold creep-creepin up from the other side of the couch cushions fool you....they do take credit cards here (shout out to those old-school click-clackers).
Crowded on weekends?- dear Lord yes. More crowded than the Lost Meetup group's get-together for the premiere on 2/2/10 (which is apparently capped at 97, goddammit).
Seating- so apparently this place smells of some kind of musk which most people attribute to the old-school (like some shit that was around back when Darwin was busy being right) couches that, incidentally, feel great after you've been standing up all night. Visceralist is gettin old. Get off our lawn and put Leno back on, carn-sarnnit!
Neighborhood- the tippy-toe of the LES, but still firmly the LES. Yes, even despite all the Chinese lettering dotting the scaffolding of its neighbors.
Pretentious/assholes- some folks seem to think that by virtue of the fact that they're inside this place, they've successfully navigated the lower east side's "secret handshake" and are thereby immunized from your prototypical hipster's scorn (Is hipster still a meme in '10?). Visceralist is above all this, however, cuz we're perpetually on that next shit.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist was comped here last time we went, so we didn't bother with this swill.
What time people start showing up- (Seth Meyers voice) Really? Julian Casablancas is playing Terminal 5 solo? Really? The Living Room upstairs was booked that night? Really?
Bartender efficiency - you won't get jerked around as much as you'd expect.
Official Website - here. How does that joke go in Funny People? Fuck MySpace in the space? Yeah, that's how it goes.
Food? How late - they have some taxidermy on the walls but it's always undercooked.
TVs? What's on - raspberry noise.
Guy:girl ratio - close to 50/50, but sometimes this place leans goth-y [ed. that's still a thing?]. Nothing worth a second look though.
Toys- last time Visceralist was here, we saw some chick writing perfectly legibly on a napkin in backwards English. Yes, backwards...mirror shit. Asked if her name was Alice, but she was like "There's an embargo on reviews till February." [ed. uugggghhh.... that's a joke? (Amy Poehler voice) Really?]
Age of clientele - no one here has ever even heard of Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
Space for dancing? - fuck yes, and this is where this spot really shines. The dance floor is small as shit, near the shitters, and gets packed as fuckin constipated shit, but somehow it still manages to be fun. Don't even bother with the Right Guard Xtreme Dry, cuz it will hobo out on your ass like its name was "Don Draper."
ID Check Procedure- the bouncers here don't go for the okey-doke, so don't come 'round here perpetratin'....unless you like gettin' tossed in the air like some damn pizza dough.
Music medium, style & volume - overrated DJs.
Specials or most popular drink - How dare you? You know how lucky you are you even got in here?
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Best of 2009

Since apparently doing belated Best-Of 2009 lists is the new shit, Visceralist is gettin it how we get it. Commenters, this is for y'all. Normal reviews are back next week.

Bathroom situation- in a fuckin landslide: Spitzer's.
Takes credit cards? - cuz they never been did Visceralist wrong: Lucky Jack's.
Crowded on weekends?- even though it sucks, it's never crowded: Mug Lounge.
Seating- cuz most of the jerks here will be standing in front of a cabinet, trying to disremember that time they actually got caught up in some bully/nerd shit you usually only see on TV...damn. Barcade FTW.
Neighborhood- Some people seem to think Williamsburg is on the come up, but really it's just a diversion from what everyone knows. If Santogold lived here, it'd be "Ludlow, we go hard, we go hard..."
Pretentious/assholes- this may be a blaspheme unto the Lord, but The Blue Seats really seems to attract cats who come to a bar with a fuckin purpose. Now...rap about that, Santigold.
Cost of Stella - there's no losers here, cuz it's $6 across the board. Btw, say what you will, but Ne-Yo's "Year of the Gentleman" should've been in prettymuch everyone's Best Albums of 2008 list. Just sayin.
What time people start showing up - Epstein's. People seem to be here all the damn time.
Bartender efficiency- Lucky Jack's FTW. Always reminds Visceralist of the quote by Cam'Ron..."Golly, I'm gully."
Official Website - www.visceralist.com.
Food? How late - No hesitations: Destination.
TVs? What's on- giving this to Lucky Jack's, just cuz they're really effin accomodating.
Guy:girl ratio - Sweet Paradise. Get it how you live.
Age of clientele- Visceralist thinks you'll get the best variety at Marshall Stack.
Space for dancing? - People Lounge. They know how to get it in.
ID Check Procedure- 87 Lounge. This place just reopened after being shut for a 'renovation' (looks exactly the same)...in any event, they need that guap like whoa...
Music medium, style & volume - this is kinda a meh category cuz no one really drops that 808 like Visceralist would have it...Piano's is the closest tho. Upstairs.
Specials or most popular drink - Local 138 has $3 Stellas till like 9pm every night, so...

This

For sale here, playboy.

Happy Holidays!

Viscurrralist

Moe's

80 Lafayette Ave (corner of S. Portland)
Brooklyn, NY 11217
(718) 797-9536

Bathroom situation- are people still saying "crunktified?" I know the term has never really been defined (urbandictionary.com notwithstanding), but somehow it feels like it's an apt description of the bathrooms here. There's a M & W single-person set up in the middle of the bar and another unisex single-person's in the rear and around the corner. None are what you would call resplendent, but they're fully functional. Plus you could prolly get away with fucking in the back one. Visceralist is a Hugh Grant-style romantic like that. Get at me.
Takes credit cards? - naw, playboy, so be ready to pull some of your financial earnins out your left or right pocket.
Crowded on weekends?- "Two rats fuckin in a wool sock" is a regional expression (from the Fresno region) and is usually preceded by "It's as hot as..." but somehow it feels appropriate to describe how dense this shack gets in the days preceding the Sabbath. [ed. shouts out to Chanukah, btw]
Seating- despite the crowds, Moe's somehow really shines in this dept. It's a gang of tables and stools in the front section and a few couches and suchlike in the back. Watch your step getting to the back. There you go.
Neighborhood- Fort Greene! Brooklyn stand up! Brooklyn, we go hard, we go ha-ard! Where Brooklyn at! Let me clear my throat! Currently in the running for BK's coolest nabe (take that, Canarsie!). It's eclectic, but warm and fuzzy on some level. Also, marginally dangerous! Clipse were recently househunting in the hood (they took a look at Spike Lee's old Brownstone), and complained that they were likely to get mugged when they step outside. Given that they're from Virginia and presumably not totally familiar with NYC yet, they can be excused for this generalization. In any event, Fort Greene is a blessing.
Pretentious/assholes- naw, playboy. And this is another area where Moe's really shines. The asshole set is apparently too lazy to figure out how to get to this place, so most folks here are wild amiable.
Cost of Stella - $6 and it's simple as that for your simple ass.
What time people start showing up - folks tend to meander in and out throughout most of the day, but in a colloquial sense, like 10ish. [ed. you have no clue what colloquial means do you? AND you're too busy to look it up...smh]
Bartender efficiency- the tenderonies are pretty casual here, which can lead to a fair bit of eye-rolling, but they're also good-natured enough that you just, unnnnhhh, can't get mad at them.
Official Website - here. They kinda pulled a boner with this one. There's way too many flashy intro screens (more than 0 is too many) and their "Events" section is weaksauce (are people still using that...Visceralist still rocks Cross Colours so we're not really the best judge of hot slang like that).
Food? How late - naw, playboy. Get your grub on before you get the party started up in here, up in here. Slap bracelets.
TVs? What's on- nope. Oh and this is obviously moot at this point, but Jude Law was amazing in Hamlet. No wonder he's got baby-moms for days. Sucks that there isn't a Broadway bootleg dvd market like there is for the movie industry.
Guy:girl ratio - tough, but fair. That's a metaphor (shouts out to the 30 Rock pilot).
Toys- they sometimes show movies on a projector screen in the back. The last time Visceralist saw something here though it was some borderline tentacle-porn anime shit, so proceed with caution...
Age of clientele- though it kinda feels like a place that the "grown & sexy" mid-to-late-30s set would frequent, it's mostly late 20s like that.
Space for dancing? - no, and if we may digress, this clip is the business.
ID Check Procedure- it's all good, playboy. They do sometimes have a bouncer here, but if you're underage and can somehow make yourself up to look like you've been through some shit, they'll prolly be cool.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a juke here, but more often than not it's curated by a DJ or Pandora or something.
Specials or most popular drink - Happy Hour til 7:30, 2 for 1 drinks. That'll do, pig...that'll do.
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